# Ask complete strangers for advice on your relationship thread #12,678. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 13, 2016, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-complete-strangers-for-advice-on-your-relationship-thread-12-678/759849 "2016-07-13T20:45:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Pantastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3bc359/32.png) [@Pantastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pantastic)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-complete-strangers-for-advice-on-your-relationship-thread-12-678/759849/41 "2016-07-14T23:34:58Z")
> [@Helena330](#): > > Ok, yes, I agree with you on the last point. I don’t understand her refusing to ask for help at all. I sure wish \*\*Pantastic \*\*hadn’t been right on this one. It’s OK, I wish I hadn’t had the experience that led me to be right on this one 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2016, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-complete-strangers-for-advice-on-your-relationship-thread-12-678/759849/42 "2016-07-15T02:01:58Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > So, this is a recurring problem with us. Her issue with me is that I have been a bachelor for a LONG time and have difficulty in thinking in terms of a couple. I’ll concede at times, she does have a point. For that reason, she REFUSES to ask me for help. In her mind, she feels that I should pick up on these clues and be more proactive. Again, she has a point, and I do make an effort to be more proactive in that regard. She’s not being a partner here or working toward a common goal. She’s explicitly testing you to see if you’ll change into the person she wants to be in a relationship with. To me that sounds exhausting. Wouldn’t you rather be in a relationship where you’re appreciated for who you already are? ---
**Author:** ![watchwolf49](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e9c0ed/32.png) [@watchwolf49](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/watchwolf49)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2016, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-complete-strangers-for-advice-on-your-relationship-thread-12-678/759849/43 "2016-07-15T02:28:31Z")
“[snip] … In her mind, she feels that I should pick up on these clues and be more proactive … [snip]” _ **Red Alert Red Alert Red Alert** _ … arm phasers … load photon torpedo tubes one through twelve … ready all damage control teams … This is what we call in the trade a “controlling bitch” … she arranges things where _you_ will always be wrong … it will always be _your_ fault … this will always be “you should have known” … your relationship with her will forevermore be centered on her bowel movements (or lack thereof). RUN … not tomorrow, not next Sunday … RUN right now … she’s popping Imodium behind your back just for the sympathy. ---
**Author:** ![Lowdown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@Lowdown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lowdown)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2016, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-complete-strangers-for-advice-on-your-relationship-thread-12-678/759849/44 "2016-07-15T12:46:55Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > And she has flat out said, she will NOT ask for help! She has somehow got it into her head, that this is me retaliating against her for all the times I did ask and she turned me down. Now “obviously” I’m forcing her to ask for help even when I supposedly know she needs it. Time to go! I’m sorry, man. I am. I didn’t know you were dating my ex-wife. I would have waved you off. In all seriousness, there is little more soul crushing than trying to make a relationship work with someone who is always right. I tried _for years_, always holding out hope that someday the lightbulb would go on. There were numerous times where she’d argue with me about both sides of the same issue…like if I did A, it was wrong. Then she’d do A and it was right. I remember once it was the very next day, and I thought “Ah ha! This is it! I’ll just say the same things she did yesterday and she’ll figure it out!” I used the exact same words she did, arguing the exact same issue in reverse. Didn’t even phase her. ---
**Author:** ![Pantastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3bc359/32.png) [@Pantastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pantastic)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2016, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-complete-strangers-for-advice-on-your-relationship-thread-12-678/759849/45 "2016-07-15T15:21:52Z")
> [@dracoi](#): > > It might be worth attempting some kind of couples counseling, maybe even a DIY approach using a book or something of that sort. It’s a good way to structure a non-judgmental conversation about the communication issues. I don’t advise this at all. Couples counseling works if both people are willing to look objectively at the situation and work together at understanding each other. It will not work if one partner refuses to acknowledge any error on their part, and insists that misunderstandings are the fault of malice on the other person’s part. Worse, people who are manipulative are often good at manipulating therapists, and you can end up in a situation where you’ve got two people telling you you’re bad for not being a mind reader. It’s especially bad in a case like this because there’s a strong societal narrative that men falsely accuse women of being manipulative and/or overly emotional as a defense mechanism. There are a lot of people who assume that a man pointing out anything as manipulative or unreasonable is just engaging in sexist ‘bitches be crazy’ talk, instead of pointing out real issues. You can see an example here where I pointed out that I found this specific instance to be manipulative behavior, but some people responded as though I was saying ‘all women are manipulative’. ---
**Author:** ![Pantastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3bc359/32.png) [@Pantastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pantastic)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2016, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-complete-strangers-for-advice-on-your-relationship-thread-12-678/759849/46 "2016-07-15T15:30:56Z")
> [@Lowdown](#): > > I used the exact same words she did, arguing the exact same issue in reverse. Didn’t even phase her. In my case, if I’d refer back to something she said before, she’d accuse me of ‘setting traps’ for her and would rant about how she couldn’t trust me if I was going to use her own words against her. It was something that really bothered me, because when I’m dating someone I like to get to know them and understand how they think - but the ‘how she thinks’ would change almost at random. Another good catch 22 pattern went like this. “Hey, it bothers me when you do X, would you work on not doing it?” “I don’t do X, where do you get the idea that I do X?” “Well, last Tuesday you did X at the thing” “Oh, that was just that one time, why are you making a big deal about it? You’re always blowing up single incidents into a major pattern” “There was also the time before that trip, and when Sarah was visiting, and the other weekend, I’d really just like you to not do that” “Oh, so now you’re keeping score and saving things up to ambush me with, why are you such an asshole now, you used to be so nice?” ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2016, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-complete-strangers-for-advice-on-your-relationship-thread-12-678/759849/47 "2016-07-15T16:07:57Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > The thing is, I already have tried to explain to her I’m not good at picking up hints. And I have told her I’ll try my best to do so. But the bottom line is, if you need help, you’re g > > oing to have to ask for it. > > And she has flat out said, she will NOT ask for help! She has somehow got it into her head, that this is me retaliating against her for all the times I did ask and she turned me down. Now “obviously” I’m forcing her to ask for help even when I supposedly know she needs it. > > Which is beyond ridiculous. The relationship is all over at this point. Sorry. It sounds to me like both of you are digging in your heels and refusing to budge. If your bottom line is that the has to spell it out and hers is that she’s not going to, there ain’t any way of getting past that. I’m a pretty clueless guy and it was difficult when I moved to Japan, because people are not direct there at all. Things can be learned, though. But not when both parties aren’t going to move and find each other beyond ridiculous. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2016, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-complete-strangers-for-advice-on-your-relationship-thread-12-678/759849/48 "2016-07-15T16:15:18Z")
Thank you for all the responses guys. We managed to find some middle ground last night. So I’m feeling better now. I do appreciate everyone’s input. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2016, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-complete-strangers-for-advice-on-your-relationship-thread-12-678/759849/49 "2016-07-16T21:21:56Z")
I’ll choose the classic SDMB advice response: dump her ass! Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-complete-strangers-for-advice-on-your-relationship-thread-12-678/759849.md?page=2)