# Ask me your Dear Abby questions **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 10, 2005, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-me-your-dear-abby-questions/293877 "2005-03-10T18:56:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![The\_Weird\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@The\_Weird\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Weird_One)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2005, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-me-your-dear-abby-questions/293877/41 "2005-03-11T17:57:24Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > Dear Abby, > Quite by accident, I recently found that it is intensely pleasurable to press my groin against my bread-maker while it is going through the “knead” cycle. I’m a virile man and in good health, so I find myself using the bread-maker two or three times a day. More on weekends. To get to my problem, do you have any good machine-friendly bread recipes? > Regards, > I KNEAD U Dear I Knead U, I’m afraid I don’t have any good receipes; I kneed my bread by hand 😉 I recommend the bread machine mixes at your local grocery store, or [this book](http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0696218534/qid=1110564741/sr=2-3/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_3/104-1584986-5875936). I urge caution, however; studies have shown that making bread several times a day can cause vision loss. **The Weird One** ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2005, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-me-your-dear-abby-questions/293877/42 "2005-03-11T18:22:57Z")
> [@The Weird One](#): > > Dear I Knead U, > > I’m afraid I don’t have any good receipes; I kneed my bread by hand 😉 > \ > > **The Weird One** What are you, some kind of artisan or something? ---
**Author:** ![The\_Weird\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@The\_Weird\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Weird_One)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2005, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-me-your-dear-abby-questions/293877/43 "2005-03-11T18:27:37Z")
> [@Iceland\_Blue](#): > > Dear Abby > > I’ve been stalking this Doper for some time now but she doesn’t seem to be interested.I don’t know what else I can do to show my interest-I’ve found her home address,her home phone number,her mobile.I’ve made several sexual references to her and loitered around her house.And yet it doesn’t seem to be enough-all she’s done is report me to the police and put a restraining order down. > What should I do next to make her aware of my feelings? Perhaps a picture of her in her underwear blown up on a billboard?Maybe write her a letter telling her what I’d like to do to her.She’d get the hint then right? Dear Mr. **Blue** , Tsk! Is that any way for a cheerleader to act?? :dubious: Leave poor **eleanorigby** alone! I see what you’re doing over in that [other thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=306305&page=1&pp=50). However, you can certainly write me a letter telling me what you’d like to do to her. 😉 **The Weird One** ---
**Author:** ![The\_Weird\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@The\_Weird\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Weird_One)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2005, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-me-your-dear-abby-questions/293877/44 "2005-03-11T18:50:39Z")
> [@featherlou](#): > > What are you, some kind of artisan or something? Just good with my hands 😃 ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2005, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-me-your-dear-abby-questions/293877/45 "2005-03-11T19:02:32Z")
> [@The Weird One](#): > > Dear Mr. **Blue** , > > Tsk! Is that any way for a cheerleader to act?? :dubious: Leave poor **eleanorigby** alone! I see what you’re doing over in that other thread. > > However, you can certainly write me a letter telling me what you’d like to do to her. 😉 Could you print his letter? Please? Turns out my husband only wants Nancy Sinatra to trample on him while in Manitoba…I’ve been dumped for a has been elderly celeb! So, I need some, er…stimulation. **Sweetfreak** is welcome, anytime! ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2005, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-me-your-dear-abby-questions/293877/46 "2005-03-11T19:10:56Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > Could you print his letter? Please? Turns out my husband only wants Nancy Sinatra to trample on him while in Manitoba…I’ve been dumped for a has been elderly celeb! So, I need some, er…stimulation. **Sweetfreak** is welcome, anytime! Bread-makers are inexpensive at Wal-Mart. ---
**Author:** ![sweetfreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/958977/32.png) [@sweetfreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sweetfreak)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2005, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-me-your-dear-abby-questions/293877/47 "2005-03-11T20:05:43Z")
> [@The Weird One](#): > > Now, hand her over, you knave!! The lady is clearly enamoured of me! > _dazes Iceland\_Blue with a bop! to the head, throws Sweetfreak over her shoulder and runs off_ > [@Iceland\_Blue](#): > > OK,we’ll divide her…The Weird One can have the bottom half and I claim the top half. > [@eleanorigby](#): > > So, I need some, er…stimulation. Sweetfreak is welcome, anytime! Evidently, the straightdope messageboard is the place where people want to be stalked. Now, I just gotta pick which one. eenie…meenie… 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Iceland\_Blue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/4bbf92/32.png) [@Iceland\_Blue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Iceland_Blue)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2005, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-me-your-dear-abby-questions/293877/48 "2005-03-11T20:12:46Z")
None of the women I stalk ever seem to ‘want’ it ☹ ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2005, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-me-your-dear-abby-questions/293877/49 "2005-03-11T20:16:30Z")
Is that a statement of fact, **Blue** or a question for Dear Abby? ---
**Author:** ![sweetfreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/958977/32.png) [@sweetfreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sweetfreak)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2005, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-me-your-dear-abby-questions/293877/50 "2005-03-11T20:19:56Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > Could you print his letter? Please? Turns out my husband only wants Nancy Sinatra to trample on him while in Manitoba…I’ve been dumped for a has been elderly celeb! So, I need some, er…stimulation. Sweetfreak is welcome, anytime! > [@Scumpup](#): > > Bread-makers are inexpensive at Wal-Mart. HEY! I am way better than an inexpensive bread-maker at Wal-Mart. NO! Wait! I meant… _grumbles expletives under my breath_ 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Iceland\_Blue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/4bbf92/32.png) [@Iceland\_Blue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Iceland_Blue)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2005, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-me-your-dear-abby-questions/293877/51 "2005-03-11T20:22:01Z")
Hmm…the similarities are there… nice crumpet,excellent muffin,lovely baps… and then there’s the breadmaker 😛 😃😃😃 ---
**Author:** ![nitroglycerine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c5a1d2/32.png) [@nitroglycerine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nitroglycerine)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2005, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-me-your-dear-abby-questions/293877/52 "2005-03-12T01:22:21Z")
> [@The Weird One](#): > > Dear . . . since you didn’t sign your letter, I hereby dub thee Hannibal. > > [huff]Well, if you already _know_ the correct answer, what are you asking me for?[/huff] > > In the meantime, I recall learning somewhere that human flesh tastes like pork, and that the best parts are the breastmeat or the arm, depending on which account of 19th century pioneers getting stuck in snowstorms you read. > > Your family, though, is asking where it came from, not what it is. The answer to that is ridiculously easy: tell them you stop at the butcher’s on the way home from work. I’d be annoyed at you for even asking this question, if you hadn’t provided me with such a perfect opportunity to showcase my inappropriately detailed knowledge of the edibility of human flesh. > > **The Weird One** Well, that was a good answer, you can have the 10 cool points, but the correct answer is (from a Dead Kennedys song): Dear Reganomics Victim, Consult your clergyman, make sure the body’s blessed and everything should be just fine. 😃 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-me-your-dear-abby-questions/293877.md?page=2)