# Ask Osama Bin Landers **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 18, 2002, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-osama-bin-landers/119668 "2002-07-18T18:28:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 7\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2002, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-osama-bin-landers/119668/21 "2002-07-20T00:35:42Z")
C’mon, buddy, lighten up! If you play your cards right, I’ll introduce you to my friend “Alicia”. She’s got a thing for wild-eyed bony guys who wear billowy clothes. Plus, she’s great in the sack – she used to be a dancer and is still really flexible. ---
**Author:** ![Eutychus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Eutychus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eutychus)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2002, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-osama-bin-landers/119668/22 "2002-07-20T01:06:12Z")
> [@](#): > > **I considered putting this in the column that I graciously allowed TEEMINGS to print (I have still not gotten my royalty check Mr. Editor. I will, for the moment, assume it has been lost in the mail.)** Dear Mr. Bin “Banana-Nose” Landers, Thank you for _finally_ getting back to us. We have had extreme difficulty in delivering your royalty check as your address seems to keep changing and our mailing department just cannot keep up with your location changes. Our first check to you came back simply stamped “moved; left no forwarding address.” The second said “no such cave.” The third was stamped “address bombed back to Stone Age.” That’s when our mail room gave up. If you would be so kind as to reply to us with your current address, we would be more than happy to forward your royalty check to you using our specially designed “patriot missle” mailing technology. Thank you, Eutychus _Teemings, Editor in Chief_ ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2002, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-osama-bin-landers/119668/23 "2002-07-20T01:29:03Z")
Dear Osama Bin Landers, I drank Elijah’s wine at the Passover Seder. Should I fess up? Thanks, Seder Boy ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2002, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-osama-bin-landers/119668/24 "2002-07-20T14:42:05Z")
**Still in love in Riyadh** , Your story of true love has touched me. But I am still much too busy to respond. Thus, I will have _another_ cousin answer you. * * * N’heeyy Lady! That was a gooood story with the head-chopping and the lipstick and the chador and the goaaat! N’oooohh! It was so g0oood that it was Allahriffic, lady!!! Osama Bin Lewis ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2002, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-osama-bin-landers/119668/25 "2002-07-20T15:31:14Z")
Osma Bin Landers, Oh Friend of God, Defender Of The Faith, Instructor Of The Believers, Friend Of Sheep, May the blessing of Allah be upon you! May your family increase as the stars in the sky! May your camels multiply! May you have ten sons for every daughter! May your enemies acquire poisionous boils and smell really bad. My Grandfather, may his name be counted among the Blessed, told me that before the Taliban came, in Kabul the faithfull must wait in que to buy butter. Now, Oh Friend Of God, this unworthy one knows what a que is, but what is butter? ---
**Author:** ![WSLer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a6a055/32.png) [@WSLer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WSLer)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2002, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-osama-bin-landers/119668/26 "2002-07-22T23:09:28Z")
Dear Osama, I think my daddy’s copy of **PLAYBOY** is broken because I’ve been looking at it for 2 1/2 hours and I still don’t have a boner. Can I send it back to Playboy Inc. and ask for a replacement? Sincerely, Disappointed in Des Moines ---
**Author:** ![Dijon\_Warlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9a28c/32.png) [@Dijon\_Warlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dijon_Warlock)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2002, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-osama-bin-landers/119668/27 "2002-07-23T04:52:26Z")
Dear Osama, If Buddha was so enlightened, then why was he so FAT!? Curious in Kissimmee P.S. Just so you know, I think all religions are stupid except the tax-exempt ones and astrology. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-osama-bin-landers/119668.md?page=1)