# Ask someone with BPD about BPD
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-someone-with-bpd-about-bpd/733950
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion
**Created:** [October 8, 2015, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-someone-with-bpd-about-bpd/733950 "2015-10-08T19:23:04Z")
**Posts on this page:** 10
**Page:** 2
### Author:  [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)
#### Post date: [October 8, 2015, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-someone-with-bpd-about-bpd/733950/21 "2015-10-08T23:21:55Z")
95% confidence this is about borderline personality disorder based on statements about attachment disorder and behavior.
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### Author:  [@Sunny\_Daze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunny_Daze)
#### Post date: [October 9, 2015, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-someone-with-bpd-about-bpd/733950/22 "2015-10-09T02:47:23Z")
> [@Sattua](#):
>
> To be honest, I still don’t know which one we’re talking about.
Ditto.
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### Author:  [@Merneith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merneith)
#### Post date: [October 9, 2015, 7:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-someone-with-bpd-about-bpd/733950/23 "2015-10-09T07:50:37Z")
> [@tinplythenimply](#):
>
> When I enrolled in therapy, the therapist agreed that I had BPD (although not severe - according to her, more along the “mild” or “tendencies” line) and she started psychodynamic therapy + DBT.
Can you tell us some about your experience with these therapies. I’ve gotten some benefit from CBT and have been wondering about trying DBT. (I have avoidant personality disorder, or possibly schizoid personality disorder.)
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### Author:  [@actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/actualliberalnotoneofthose)
#### Post date: [October 9, 2015, 7:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-someone-with-bpd-about-bpd/733950/24 "2015-10-09T07:55:41Z")
I think my wife has it (un-diagnosed). She is definitely unaware. She is “only” diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I have severe social anxiety and depersonalization. So I’m not one to judge. It sucks, though. I probably have so many questions that I have none at this time.
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### Author:  [@Pantastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pantastic)
#### Post date: [October 9, 2015, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-someone-with-bpd-about-bpd/733950/25 "2015-10-09T18:16:50Z")
@DDsun and Sattua, this is definitely about Borderline Personality Disorder.
> [@tinplythenimply](#):
>
> I don’t think memory problems are only specific to romantic partners, although they may get the brunt of it because of how much time we spend with them + attachment issues.
My experience and understanding from reading is that symptoms get much worse the more attachment there is’ my ex- would say things to me that were literally unbelieveable to people outside of the relationship. I asked about dealing with romantic partners because they’re the people that I would expect you to have the most intimacy (and thus difficulty) with and also the ones you choose (dealing with parents, siblings, etc is different).
> [@](#):
>
> If you gave a specific example, it might help me to answer your question better.
I was trying to avoid details because I don’t want this to come off as slamming on pwBPD. One time my ex- had a giant blowup at me, with hours of shouting and days of being in separate rooms (maybe a breakup threat too), because when I went to the grocery store to get snacks and lunch for her new job, I bought flavored water instead of fizzy water, and I bought trail mix that had lots of peanuts in it. She believed that it showed that I didn’t care about her because I didn’t get the right thing, and that remembering the bit about peanuts wasn’t important to me. This was in spite of the fact that I said I wasn’t sure about some of the stuff on the list (like the water) and offered to make another run to the store if she wanted anything different before she had even seen the stuff, plus she had never mentioned an aversion to peanuts before (except possibly in an offhand comment months before) and had no problem eating things like peanut M&Ms and peanut butter.
The short-term recovery was for me to reassure her that I cared and to apologize for pretty much everything several different times over several different days. But even after she was out of the immediate emotional fog, she insisted that she was acting reasonably and that I definitely mistreated her in the situation. She would not even acknowledge her the shouting as overreaction, and told me that I was exaggerating her reaction and minimizing my own bad actions (raising my voice after two and a half hours of her shouting at me made the shouting 50% my fault). This meant that the issue was never resolved from my perspective and never could be, and that she felt that I had been dishonest when I was calming things down because it felt to her like I said everything is OK, then went back on it.
What I’m wondering is how you deal with a situation like that from your side, even if it doesn’t follow exactly that pattern. I know DBT will give you tools to help control your response to the initial emotion and moderate reactions to that emotion, which hopefully lets you stop the situation from spiraling out of control. But what if the situation does blow up, and you go through whichever sort of emotional maelstrom tends to hit you (anger, sadness, whatever) - and then afterwards, you remember the situation completely differently than your partner, who feels that you’ve wronged him, even though you’re sure he wronged you. I don’t know how you would sort that out - it seems like you would have to either ignore all of your feelings that you were wronged, or ignore your partner’s feeling that he was wronged.
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### Author:  [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)
#### Post date: [October 9, 2015, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-someone-with-bpd-about-bpd/733950/26 "2015-10-09T18:34:48Z")
Nimply,
Thanks for your answers.
What medications have been effective and in what ways?
> [@tinplythenimply](#):
>
> After that I started seeing a psychiatrist for 7 years, once a month, **[…]** gave me life advice.
Bolded ellipsis mine.
What life advice was most useful?
1. I’d like to know more about your process of gaining insight into your own cognitions, emotions and behaviors. How do you detect distortions and correct them?
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### Author:  [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)
#### Post date: [October 9, 2015, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-someone-with-bpd-about-bpd/733950/27 "2015-10-09T22:02:06Z")
> [@tinplythenimply](#):
>
> Those of us with untreated BPD can be hypersensitive and see negative connotations to completely innocuous statements and facial expressions.
> [@Pantastic](#):
>
> I bought trail mix that had lots of peanuts in it. She believed that it showed that I didn’t care about her because I didn’t get the right thing, and that remembering the bit about peanuts wasn’t important to me. This was in spite of the fact that I said I wasn’t sure about some of the stuff on the list (like the water) and offered to make another run to the store if she wanted anything different
That quite well describes my father in the years following a bad breakup.
Wasn’t peanuts though, it was getting a fudge Oh Henry chocolate bar rather than an ordinary Oh Henry bar.
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### Author:  [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)
#### Post date: [October 9, 2015, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-someone-with-bpd-about-bpd/733950/28 "2015-10-09T22:14:27Z")
I was married to a BPD for 20 years. The biggest problem I had with her was her inability to be loyal to more than one person at a time and her weak sense of identity. It got to where I could tell something was up in her life because she would take on a new way of talking, new mannerisms, new walk etc. If she became friends with someone she would try to be just like that person. Have you experienced this?
```
We have been divorced but have remained close for the past 25 years and this same behavior continues to repeat itself.
```
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### Author:  [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)
#### Post date: [October 10, 2015, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-someone-with-bpd-about-bpd/733950/29 "2015-10-10T01:22:09Z")
> [@Wesley\_Clark](#):
>
> At first I was confused about whether BPD meant borderline personality disorder or BiPolar disorder.
And the only BPD I know (knew) is [bronchopulmonary dysplasia](https://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/health-topics/topics/bpd)
mmm
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### Author:  [@alexandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alexandra)
#### Post date: [October 10, 2015, 8:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-someone-with-bpd-about-bpd/733950/30 "2015-10-10T08:40:16Z")
Do you encounter stigma and unhelpful attitudes from professionals? What about the rest of the world?
What treatment is helpful and why?
How do you think BPD relates to trauma in your case, if at all?
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