# Ask the 35 Year Old who has for a year now (and counting) been Dating a Teenager **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 17, 2010, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-35-year-old-who-has-for-a-year-now-and-counting-been-dating-a-teenager/550547 "2010-08-17T18:13:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 10
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-35-year-old-who-has-for-a-year-now-and-counting-been-dating-a-teenager/550547/181 "2010-08-20T19:15:08Z")
> [@FriarTed](#): > > I read page one and jumped to the last one- > > Just to say that I find it hilarious that a board in which failure to salute the Rainbow Flag is a hate crime, where people can defend with a straight face bestiality or necrophilia with the question “Who does it really hurt?”, has such a big turn-out of judgment on the OP. Hey, for all you know you skipped over two pages of nothing but “_SWEET_, brah!” ---
**Author:** ![alexandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e68b1a/32.png) [@alexandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alexandra)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-35-year-old-who-has-for-a-year-now-and-counting-been-dating-a-teenager/550547/182 "2010-08-20T19:15:13Z")
> [@ToeJam](#): > > > [@bienville](#): > > > > I lived in Louisiana when I was 18 and at the time 18 was the legal drinking age, so it doesn’t seem right to apply different standards. > > Don’t really have a dog in this fight, and this is a bit old, but I had to comment on this line. Just to point out, the fact that “it doesn’t seem right to apply different standards”- well, the key thing is that information and knowledge changes over time. To apply the same rules that were applied to you, without taking into consideration the leaps in science, and understanding of how the human mind functions and develops over the last few decades is a foolish stance to take. Rules should be updated and modified, and considered in light of new information and greater understanding. So just a note, since you’re using this thread to think about things, you should give that one a thought and perhaps change this line of thinking as well. As the links/quote that \*\*FDH \*\*provided are interesting and important pieces of data. At the very least, a healthy thing for her to do is to educate her on the facts of drinking at a young age, and let her make her own decision, but to simply assume that because things were different nearly 20 years ago, that there is no basis in the scientific community for changing the way we think is rather foolish, and stubborn. Not to pick on you in particular, but I think the whole idea that someone who can vote and join the army can’t enjoy a glass of wine at home with their boyfriend is fucking foolish. ---
**Author:** ![Aw\_Hamburgers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/47e85d/32.png) [@Aw\_Hamburgers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aw_Hamburgers)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-35-year-old-who-has-for-a-year-now-and-counting-been-dating-a-teenager/550547/183 "2010-08-20T19:22:27Z")
> [@Telcontar](#): > > > [@Aw\_Hamburgers](#): > > > > Flashforward, I’m now 26 with many relationships and sexual experiences on my plate. I look back on that relationship and CRINGE and feel dread and sick to my stomach thinking about it. I think “what the hell was a 27 year old doing with a 18 year old?!” I am grossed out by it and can only remember him as my old boyfriend with a Lolita complex. If I could redo that, I would have NEVER gotten involved with him EVER and would have stayed far, far away from him. It just sickens me to think that a grown man would find a teenager attractive and emotionally interesting. He stopped trying to contact me after my freshman year of college but if he ever were to find me on facebook or some other social media site, I would ignore and delete immediately. > > > > Just my two cents ☹ > > Can you elaborate on this? Is it that, in retrospect, he seems immature, or that you just can’t see how someone the age you are now could like someone the age you were then? > > I’m just surprised by your current reaction given what you say you felt at the time. Pretty much that I can’t see how someone my age could like the person I was then (or any 18 year old, for that matter). I chalk up that relationship to the 27 year old having a major Lolita/barely-legal fantasty which grosses me out. I still had braces when we started dating, for crying out loud! ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-35-year-old-who-has-for-a-year-now-and-counting-been-dating-a-teenager/550547/184 "2010-08-20T19:30:12Z")
1. Lolita was 12, not 17. Big difference. 2. An adult man feeling sexual attraction to a 18-year-old is perfectly natural. 3. Several of my friends in their 40s wear braces. 4. You’re piling on your ex-boyfriend a lot of assumptions and feelings that seem to have nothing to do with them. 5. If the age of consent in most states is 16. One would assume that means that it’s not uncommon for 16-year-olds to have sexual relationships with people of all ages. ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-35-year-old-who-has-for-a-year-now-and-counting-been-dating-a-teenager/550547/185 "2010-08-20T19:36:49Z")
> [@Aw\_Hamburgers](#): > > Pretty much that I can’t see how someone my age could like the person I was then (or any 18 year old, for that matter). I chalk up that relationship to the 27 year old having a major Lolita/barely-legal fantasty which grosses me out. I still had braces when we started dating, for crying out loud! For whatever it’s worth… When I first met my wife, she had braces. I was in my thirties; she was six years younger than I and had two post-grad degrees. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-35-year-old-who-has-for-a-year-now-and-counting-been-dating-a-teenager/550547/186 "2010-08-20T19:43:10Z")
> [@acsenray](#): > > 1. If the age of consent in most states is 16. One would assume that means that it’s not uncommon for 16-year-olds to have sexual relationships with people of all ages. No, one would not assume. ---
**Author:** ![whole\_bean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/96bed5/32.png) [@whole\_bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whole_bean)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-35-year-old-who-has-for-a-year-now-and-counting-been-dating-a-teenager/550547/187 "2010-08-20T19:46:42Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > > [@Aw\_Hamburgers](#): > > > > Pretty much that I can’t see how someone my age could like the person I was then (or any 18 year old, for that matter). I chalk up that relationship to the 27 year old having a major Lolita/barely-legal fantasty which grosses me out. I still had braces when we started dating, for crying out loud! > > For whatever it’s worth… > > When I first met my wife, she had braces. I was in my thirties; she was six years younger than I and had two post-grad degrees. sicko ---
**Author:** ![whole\_bean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/96bed5/32.png) [@whole\_bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whole_bean)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-35-year-old-who-has-for-a-year-now-and-counting-been-dating-a-teenager/550547/188 "2010-08-20T19:48:50Z")
> [@Aw\_Hamburgers](#): > > > [@Telcontar](#): > > > > Can you elaborate on this? Is it that, in retrospect, he seems immature, or that you just can’t see how someone the age you are now could like someone the age you were then? > > > > I’m just surprised by your current reaction given what you say you felt at the time. > > Pretty much that I can’t see how someone my age could like the person I was then (or any 18 year old, for that matter). I chalk up that relationship to the 27 year old having a major Lolita/barely-legal fantasty which grosses me out. I still had braces when we started dating, for crying out loud! _Lolita_ ain’t about a 19 year old. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-35-year-old-who-has-for-a-year-now-and-counting-been-dating-a-teenager/550547/189 "2010-08-20T19:54:01Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > > [@acsenray](#): > > > > 1. If the age of consent in most states is 16. One would assume that means that it’s not uncommon for 16-year-olds to have sexual relationships with people of all ages. > > No, one would not assume. It’s a perfectly valid assumption. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-35-year-old-who-has-for-a-year-now-and-counting-been-dating-a-teenager/550547/190 "2010-08-20T19:55:37Z")
How so? Why would it valid to assume it’s common 16 year olds have sex with people of all ages? Do you assume the same of everyone? ---
**Author:** ![Aw\_Hamburgers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/47e85d/32.png) [@Aw\_Hamburgers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aw_Hamburgers)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-35-year-old-who-has-for-a-year-now-and-counting-been-dating-a-teenager/550547/191 "2010-08-20T20:01:01Z")
> [@acsenray](#): > > 1. Lolita was 12, not 17. Big difference. > > 2. An adult man feeling sexual attraction to a 18-year-old is perfectly natural. > > 3. Several of my friends in their 40s wear braces. > > 4. You’re piling on your ex-boyfriend a lot of assumptions and feelings that seem to have nothing to do with them. > > 5. If the age of consent in most states is 16. One would assume that means that it’s not uncommon for 16-year-olds to have sexual relationships with people of all ages. You’re right - I am piling on my ex-boyfriend with a lot of assumptions that may or may not have to do with the “reality” of our relationship. But the point that I’m trying to make is this is how I feel now when I look back on that relationship. I don’t look at it as “wow he really helped me blossom into the mature adult I am today” but more like “wow I really wish that never happened and I don’t want to think about it anymore.” Just giving the OP my personal perspective of how I feel - I’m not saying his gf will feel the same way or anything remotely like how I feel now. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-35-year-old-who-has-for-a-year-now-and-counting-been-dating-a-teenager/550547/192 "2010-08-20T20:12:44Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > How so? Why would it valid to assume it’s common 16 year olds have sex with people of all ages? Do you assume the same of everyone? 1. First of all, I said “not uncommon,” not “common.” Granted, neither term is precise, but there is a distinction. 2. I didn’t say that _every_ 16-year-old has sexual relationships with people of all ages. I said that it was a valid assumption that it is not uncommon for 16-year-olds in general to have such relationships with people of all ages. 3. Yes, I assume that taking all adult humans as a whole, it is not uncommon for adults to have sexual relationships with people of all ages. Among the factors behind my assumptions are these – 1. The use of 16 as age of consent in many jurisdictions. 2. The universal attractiveness of youthfulness, healthiness, and fertility to sexually active people of all ages. 3. The increased urge to enter into sexual relationships caused by increased hormone levels at pubescent and post-pubescent ages. 4. The historical greater-than-zero frequency of marriages between post-pubescent women and older men. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-35-year-old-who-has-for-a-year-now-and-counting-been-dating-a-teenager/550547/193 "2010-08-20T20:23:21Z")
Yeah, I’m gonna have to go with no on that one. It’s fairly uncommon for teenagers to be boning old dudes. In general, people’s friends and sexual partners are in their age group. They probably meet at school or work, or hang out at the same places. I can legally bone an 80 year old, but I’m not gonna. Ewww, old people. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-35-year-old-who-has-for-a-year-now-and-counting-been-dating-a-teenager/550547/194 "2010-08-20T20:27:46Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Yeah, I’m gonna have to go with no on that one. It’s fairly uncommon for teenagers to be boning old dudes. In general, people’s friends and sexual partners are in their age group. They probably meet at school or work, or hang out at the same places. I can legally bone an 80 year old, but I’m not gonna. Ewww, old people. And yet, [it appears](http://www.questia.com/googleScholar.qst;jsessionid=MnkKlHRBTTqpNnpGRTSYzXzwsqjFyh94nHq2MV37xl5CN5yWflJn!-121403767!1856439092?docId=5000177808) the average Justin Bieber fancier may not be quite as discerning as you: > [@](#): > > 1. The large majority of all “teenage” pregnancies are caused by adults. A 1990 tabulation of 60,000 births among both married and unmarried teenage mothers in California (85% of all teen births in the state that year - the most comprehensive sample yet assembled) details the overwhelming adult role in “teen” pregnancy.(2) > > - Men older than high school age account for 77% of all births among girls of high school age (ages 16-18) and for 5 1 % of births among girls of junior high school age (15 and younger). > > - Men over age 25 father twice as many “teenage” births as do boys under age 18. > > - Men over age 20 father five times more births among junior high school age girls than do junior high school age boys and 2.5 times more births among senior high school age girls than do senior high school age boys. > > - Junior high school age boys account for just 7% of the births among junior high school age girls. Senior high school age boys father only 24% of births among all school-age girls. > > - Additionally, adult women over age 20 account for 14% of the births fathered by school-age boys. > > A less complete national tabulation of 309,819 “teen” births reported in the most recent Vital Statistics of the United States (1988) confirms the pattern found in California: only 89,509 births (29%) involved two teenage partners; 220,310 (71%) involved a teenage partner and an adult partner over age 20.3 ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-35-year-old-who-has-for-a-year-now-and-counting-been-dating-a-teenager/550547/195 "2010-08-20T20:39:12Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > In general, people’s friends and sexual partners are in their age group. They probably meet at school or work, or hang out at the same places. I can legally bone an 80 year old, but I’m not gonna. Ewww, old people. Assuming every word of this is true, it contradicts nothing I said, and certainly not my assumption. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-35-year-old-who-has-for-a-year-now-and-counting-been-dating-a-teenager/550547/196 "2010-08-20T20:51:29Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > I can legally bone an 80 year old, but I’m not gonna. Ewww, old people. Ewwwww. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-35-year-old-who-has-for-a-year-now-and-counting-been-dating-a-teenager/550547/197 "2010-08-20T21:46:55Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > And yet, [it appears](http://www.questia.com/googleScholar.qst;jsessionid=MnkKlHRBTTqpNnpGRTSYzXzwsqjFyh94nHq2MV37xl5CN5yWflJn!-121403767!1856439092?docId=5000177808) the average Justin Bieber fancier may not be quite as discerning as you: I know your two favorite hobbies are Googling furiously and quoting the MLA Style Guide, but you should read what your link actually says. ---
**Author:** ![raindog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@raindog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raindog)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-35-year-old-who-has-for-a-year-now-and-counting-been-dating-a-teenager/550547/198 "2010-08-20T21:54:54Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > > [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > > > And yet, [it appears](http://www.questia.com/googleScholar.qst;jsessionid=MnkKlHRBTTqpNnpGRTSYzXzwsqjFyh94nHq2MV37xl5CN5yWflJn!-121403767!1856439092?docId=5000177808) the average Justin Bieber fancier may not be quite as discerning as you: > > I know your two favorite hobbies are Googling furiously and quoting the MLA Style Guide, but you should read what your link actually says. You’re being unreasonable. If people were actually required to read what they google & post, board post counts would plummet. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-35-year-old-who-has-for-a-year-now-and-counting-been-dating-a-teenager/550547/199 "2010-08-20T22:44:56Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > > [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > > > And yet, [it appears](http://www.questia.com/googleScholar.qst;jsessionid=MnkKlHRBTTqpNnpGRTSYzXzwsqjFyh94nHq2MV37xl5CN5yWflJn!-121403767!1856439092?docId=5000177808) the average Justin Bieber fancier may not be quite as discerning as you: > > I know your two favorite hobbies are Googling furiously and quoting the MLA Style Guide, but you should read what your link actually says. Actually, my favorite hobby is fapping furiously to the MLA style guide. I thought you knew me better than that. Also, that “did you read your own cite” thing only works when it doesn’t support the other person’s point. Which it does. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2010, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-35-year-old-who-has-for-a-year-now-and-counting-been-dating-a-teenager/550547/200 "2010-08-21T04:12:33Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > Also, that “did you read your own cite” thing only works when it doesn’t support the other person’s point. > > Which it does. Ya rly? Something saying that among girls of high school age (16-18) who have children, most are impregnated by fathers above high school age suggests that it’s not uncommon for young girls to bang old dudes? Interesting theory. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-35-year-old-who-has-for-a-year-now-and-counting-been-dating-a-teenager/550547.md?page=9) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-35-year-old-who-has-for-a-year-now-and-counting-been-dating-a-teenager/550547.md?page=11)