# Ask the 50's Dad... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 20, 2005, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546 "2005-09-20T15:51:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/1 "2005-09-20T15:51:38Z")
Need some good advise about dating, Rock n Roll, or decorating the Den? Having trouble with “The Fonz”? Ask 50’s Dad! 50’s Dad is: a conservative, white-collar high-tech worker who lives in a bedroom community; 50’s spouse is a stay-at-home Mom; 50’s kids are a 3-year-old girl and a 1-year-old boy; 50’s family owns only one automobile. 50’s Dad has got a scotch on the rocks in his hand to sip thoughtfully as he contemplates your questions (it’s always after 5:00 pm in the 50’s, and 50’s Dad would _never_ drink alcohol before 5). I’ll get you started. Dear 50’s Dad, My boyfriend & I have been going steady for about 18 months now, and I’ve been thinking about going to “second base” with him. I’m not sure what that means, but I’m afraid to ask my friends or my parents. What do you think? Should I go to second? Sign me, **Stranded at First**. _Dear Stranded, I know there’s a lot of pressure on young ladies to ‘go to second’, listen to rock n roll music, and wear skirts above the knee, but you’re smart to want to wait. If this young man truely respects you, he’ll wait until he’s married you before trying to go to second base. A young lady must (above all else) uphold her reputation. **50’s Dad** _ ---
**Author:** ![Revtim](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/revtim/32/1042_2.png) [@Revtim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revtim)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/2 "2005-09-20T16:03:50Z")
My friend Ralph confided to me that he has a homosexual crush on his friend Potsie. What types of rocks should I use to throw at him? Are the ones I find in my driveway adequate? – Ritchie ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/3 "2005-09-20T16:08:18Z")
Hey Pops! What’s up with this marijuana stuff? Eddie got this stuff from Pedro his Mom’s pool boy, and he says it’s super keen, and makes the girls put out like nobodies business, but Eddie also told us wearing PF Flyers would let us bounce like kangaroos if we jumped off the garage, and I wound up breaking my leg. Signed - Cautiously Optimistic ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/4 "2005-09-20T16:17:44Z")
Dear Fifties Dad: I married my wife a year ago. She is a housewife but claims that our one bedroom apartment doesn’t provide enough work to keep her occupied. How could that be? All the other wives have challenged their husband to a ‘switcheroo’ for a day to see who really pulls in the bacon. I admit that my lunch box is packed as anyone else’s at the job. Taking her with me on one out of my three bowling nights hasn’t stopped her bordeom. The guys at the lodge haven’t been much help. Should I get her a dog or put her to the moon? Smart Dame’s Man ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/5 "2005-09-20T16:25:32Z")
> [@Revtim](#): > > My friend Ralph confided to me that he has a homosexual crush on his friend Potsie. What types of rocks should I use to throw at him? Are the ones I find in my driveway adequate? > > – Ritchie Dear **Ritchie,** Good for you for looking out for your friend. You’re a fine young man. You needn’t worry, though, about Ralph. I’m sure his folks will get him the help he needs to get through this phase. In the mean-time, try to remember that things like this are almost always caused by listening to rock n roll music, so you should and your friends should do your best to not listen to it, and try to keep Ralph from listening to it if possible. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/6 "2005-09-20T16:28:11Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Hey Pops! What’s up with this marijuana stuff? Eddie got this stuff from Pedro his Mom’s pool boy, and he says it’s super keen, and makes the girls put out like nobodies business, but Eddie also told us wearing PF Flyers would let us bounce like kangaroos if we jumped off the garage, and I wound up breaking my leg. > Signed - Cautiously Optimistic Dear **Cautiously Optimistic** , While 50’s Dad is certainly fond of smoking a good pipe, we all know people with _ethnic_ names like _Pedro_ are almost always Communist. You’re right to be cautious. And take care of that leg, son. You can’t play ball with a bum leg. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/7 "2005-09-20T16:31:44Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > Dear Fifties Dad: > > I married my wife a year ago. She is a housewife but claims that our one bedroom apartment doesn’t provide enough work to keep her occupied. How could that be? All the other wives have challenged their husband to a ‘switcheroo’ for a day to see who really pulls in the bacon. I admit that my lunch box is packed as anyone else’s at the job. Taking her with me on one out of my three bowling nights hasn’t stopped her bordeom. The guys at the lodge haven’t been much help. > > Should I get her a dog or put her to the moon? > > Smart Dame’s Man Dear **Smart Dame’s Man** , It’s obvious from your letter you haven’t started a family yet. Women need children to raise in order to satisfy their need to keep busy. It’s as natural a need for our ladies as cooking or cleaning. You know what to do, sport. ---
**Author:** ![Revtim](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/revtim/32/1042_2.png) [@Revtim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revtim)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/8 "2005-09-20T16:34:17Z")
Dear 50’s Dad, I’m a teenage girl, and my boyfriend is constantly trying to convince me to “go all the way” with him. I keep telling him no, because I don’t want to become pregnant, but he says if I douche with Pepsi afterwards I won’t get knocked up. Well, he talked me into it, but not only were we out of Pepsi, but we were out of Coca Cola too and I had to douche with Sprite. Is Sprite as effective as Pepsi, or should I start looking for coathangers? – Susie “with that great lymon taste” ---
**Author:** ![FlyingRamenMonster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@FlyingRamenMonster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FlyingRamenMonster)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/9 "2005-09-20T16:49:38Z")
Dear 50’s dad, My science teacher is trying to make us use metric. What’s wrong with feet and inches? I don’t trust this guy because he also says we came from monkeys. Now what’s up with that? 😕 – Confused ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/10 "2005-09-20T16:54:48Z")
> [@Revtim](#): > > Dear 50’s Dad, > > I’m a teenage girl, and my boyfriend is constantly trying to convince me to “go all the way” with him. I keep telling him no, because I don’t want to become pregnant, but he says if I douche with Pepsi afterwards I won’t get knocked up. Well, he talked me into it, but not only were we out of Pepsi, but we were out of Coca Cola too and I had to douche with Sprite. Is Sprite as effective as Pepsi, or should I start looking for coathangers? > > – Susie “with that great lymon taste” Dear **Susie** , I think you must already know you need to marry this boy. Can you imagine your parent’s disappointment if you had a child out of wedlock? And save that coathanger for storing your wedding dress. Good luck, and remember: the second child _always_ takes 9 months, but not the first. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/11 "2005-09-20T16:58:57Z")
> [@csharpmajor](#): > > Dear 50’s dad, > > My science teacher is trying to make us use metric. What’s wrong with feet and inches? I don’t trust this guy because he also says we came from monkeys. Now what’s up with that? 😕 > > – Confused Dear **Confused** , You’re right to be suspicious. Maybe Communists descend from monkeys, but not us God fearing Americans. The so-called “Metric System” is a plot hatched by Communists to fool us into settling for less. Your science teacher is obviously an agent of this Communist conspiracy and should be reported to your local Police. Immediately. I mean it, son. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/12 "2005-09-20T17:05:39Z")
Dear 50’s Dad, When I lay in bed at night, sometimes my privates start to throb. Am I going to die? What should I do? ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/13 "2005-09-20T17:09:09Z")
Hey Daddy-O - I think you’re really hep to our jive, man. Right now, life’s a drag, and I’m getting so low I can barely speak to my old lady. How can she expect me to groove to her if she won’t groove to me? How can I keep my head from bumming out, man? Beat Nick 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/14 "2005-09-20T17:13:28Z")
> [@Shirley Ujest](#): > > Dear 50’s Dad, > > When I lay in bed at night, sometimes my privates start to throb. > > Am I going to die? > > What should I do? Dear **Unsigned** There are certainly better ways to spend your time than lying in bed thinking about your privates. Have you thought about picking up a hobby? Perhaps crocheting? And you can _always_ spend more time on housekeeping and cooking. If you’re not married, than you can help your mother with _her_ chores. It will be good practice for that day when you have a man and a home of your own to take care of. Remember, idle hands are the Devil’s workshop. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/15 "2005-09-20T17:17:22Z")
> [@Daithi Lacha](#): > > Hey Daddy-O - > I think you’re really hep to our jive, man. Right now, life’s a drag, and I’m getting so low I can barely speak to my old lady. How can she expect me to groove to her if she won’t groove to me? How can I keep my head from bumming out, man? > > Beat Nick 🆒 Dear _Nick_, Have you thought about getting a job? Women need their men to provide for them and take care of them. Without these basic needs met, women are unstable and prone to hysteria, and may be unable to fulfill many of their obligations. Listening to rock n roll music may be the reason you feel like life is a “drag”. You should avoid rock n roll music entirely, son. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/16 "2005-09-20T17:34:18Z")
Umm, Mr. Wilson doesn’t want me to come over and play anymore, but I didn’t mean to blow up hit DeSoto and Garage. What can I do to change Mr. Wilson mine? PS. I thought inflammable meant it couldn’t catch fire. Why is english so silly? ---
**Author:** ![Genghis\_Bob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/45deac/32.png) [@Genghis\_Bob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Genghis_Bob)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/17 "2005-09-20T17:39:06Z")
Dear 50’s Dad, What does \*this \* thing do? Signed, Bobby ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/18 "2005-09-20T17:50:26Z")
> [@jrfranchi](#): > > Umm, Mr. Wilson doesn’t want me to come over and play anymore, but I didn’t mean to blow up hit DeSoto and Garage. What can I do to change Mr. Wilson mine? > > PS. I thought inflammable meant it couldn’t catch fire. Why is english so silly? Dear **Dennis** , As Mr. Wilson is your elder, it is your responsibility to respect his wishes. You see, son, sometimes adults don’t _want_ their garages burned down, and you were wrong to assume otherwise. You should write a letter of apology to Mr. Wilson, and remember: Young men who play with fire always end up bed-wetters. You don’t want to be a bed-wetter, do you? I didn’t think so. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/19 "2005-09-20T17:52:09Z")
> [@Genghis Bob](#): > > Dear 50’s Dad, > > What does \*this \* thing do? > > Signed, > > Bobby Dear _Bobby_, Nothing you should be concerned with. Why don’t you go play some ball with your pals, and get your mind off it. Run along, now. ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/20 "2005-09-20T18:08:21Z")
> [@Winston Smith](#): > > Dear **Dennis** , > As Mr. Wilson is your elder, it is your responsibility to respect his wishes. You see, son, sometimes adults don’t _want_ their garages burned down, and you were wrong to assume otherwise. You should write a letter of apology to Mr. Wilson, and remember: Young men who play with fire always end up bed-wetters. You don’t want to be a bed-wetter, do you? I didn’t think so. Wow, Mr Smith you are good, that was my next question. Thank You Dennis [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546.md?page=2)