# Ask the 50's Dad... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 20, 2005, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546 "2005-09-20T15:51:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Jpeg\_Jones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/4bbf92/32.png) [@Jpeg\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jpeg_Jones)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/61 "2005-09-20T23:52:25Z")
Dear Fifties Dad, My three-year-old boy keeps trying to sodomize our cocker spaniel with a Toblerone while I’m puttering around in the garage workshop. My question is, what’s the best kind of wood for a spice rack for my wife? ---
**Author:** ![Ike\_Witt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ike_witt/32/283_2.png) [@Ike\_Witt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ike_Witt)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/62 "2005-09-21T02:29:13Z")
Dear 50’s Dad, I hate t break it to you but you are a communist. Or at least a communist sympathizer. Why else would you be telling teenage girls to not put out? Did you realize that as of 1950 there are over half a billion Chinese? And did you also realize that the US population in 1950 was under 160 million? The scariest thing is that if current growth continues in 2005 the US will still have under 300 million people while there could be 1.3 billion (that is billion with a **b** ) Chinese. Do you even want to contemplate that there could also be over 1 billion Indians (Like Gandhi, not Tonto)? Please do your patriotic duty and encourage all girls to do the right thing. ---
**Author:** ![Mona\_Lott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee7513/32.png) [@Mona\_Lott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mona_Lott)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/63 "2005-09-21T03:16:14Z")
Dear 50’s Dad, ``` The trashy neighbors down the street bought Hula-Hoops for their kids. I wouldn't mind if they kept their lewd behavior inside their house, but they let the kids use these vile things while they are outdoors. We are a respectable family. My question is, Should we put our girls in a convent? I await your answer--time is of the essense. ``` Signed, Moral Mom ---
**Author:** ![chappachula](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d2c977/32.png) [@chappachula](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chappachula)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/64 "2005-09-21T03:21:58Z")
The colored people are talking about boycotting the buses!!! What’s next? Will they try to eat at the lunch counter in Woolworth’s? How can we protect our daughters? ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 12:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/65 "2005-09-21T12:21:30Z")
> [@Musicat](#): > > Dear 50’s Dad, > > Thanks, Dad! You are right about Communists and Rock’nRoll music. And more, they’ve infiltrated FOLK music, too! So says the Rev. Billy James Hargis, and he has the Lord on his side (the Christian Lord, that is, we all know the other lords are false idols). > > I just bought this book, [“Rhythm, Riots and Revolution,”](http://www.conelrad.com/media/atomicmusic/sh_boom.php?platter=22) which is:You can buy this valuable book everywhere fine tomes are sold. Just Google for the title (in quotes). > > Thanks, 50’s Dad, for saving me from hell and the Communists! I’ll never listen to godless folk music again! > > But what about jazz? Is that OK for white people to enjoy? Dear **Musicat** , Well, son, it certainly makes me proud to see you doing your homework on this, and I think you’re a bright enough to figure this one out one your own. I trust you to make the right decision, champ. > [@kunilou](#): > > Dear 50s Dad > > I think your adivce to **DeVena** may be only half right. You know that all the great chefs are men, and that her husband may actually find it relaxing to cook after a hard day on Madison Avenue or Main Street. > > I think **DeVena** should get her hubby one of those big Chief Cook and Bottle Washer aprons and a tall chef hat and let him cook any time he wants. Of course, she should use her extra time those evenings to make herself extra-pretty and maybe give him a “special” dessert. > > What do you think? Dear **kunilou** , Yes, I suppose you’re right: a man’s home _is_ his castle, and if he _really_ wants to cook of course he can. And **50’s Dad** is always ready for a “special” dessert. Yessiree, I think a nice Port and a slice of pecan pie would be pretty special. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 12:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/66 "2005-09-21T12:31:11Z")
> [@leandroc76](#): > > Dear 50’s Dad, > > I was listening to Edgar Bergen & Charlie McCarthy Show on the radio. I heard a couple whose last name is Rosenberg and they were wanted. I live right next door to these people. What should I do? Dear **leandroc76** , Rosenberg? Well, now, son… we just need to have faith in our fine government that they’ll handle this whole Rosenberg trial fairly and judiciously. You can help by finding a new way to demonstrate you patriotism. I think a secon flagpole on the front lawn would do the trick. > [@swampbear](#): > > Dear 50’s Dad, > > I ask Timmy if he listens to rock ‘n roll. I don’t know if this tells you anything but he something about Big Bopper and Buddy Holly. I don’t know if that means anything but I know nobody with those names lives here in Mayfield. He also said I’d look good in “Chantilly Lace” and asked if I wanted to go to his house and play with his wienie. I told him that it’s wasteful to play with food like hot dogs. Do you think I should keep on playin’ with him 50’s Dad? > > Signed, > Still A Good Christian Boy but Keeps Thinking About Playing With Wienies Dear **Good Christian Boy** , Look, son, we all think about playing with our weinies now and then. Or our mashed potatos, or our Pot Roast. It can be tough to concentrate on a good, healthy meal when there’s Communist sympathizers about. Try spending less time thinking about playing with your food, and more time thinking about ploaying ball! Heck, why don’t you go out and see if your friends want to play some ball right now? Just not Timmy. Trust me. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/67 "2005-09-21T12:36:17Z")
> [@bluethree](#): > > Dear 50’s Dad, > > What really happens at lodge meetings? My dad tries to keep it secret, but I know that at lodge meetings he wears the long, white robes that are hidden in his closet. > > Please fill us in on what dads do at these things. My big brother can’t wait to join! Dear **bluethree** , Now look, sweetheart, you know **50’s Dad** doesn’t like to bore you by telling you about things like lodge meetings, bills, or secondary education. Why don’t you go into the kitchen now, and see if your mother needs help fixing dinner. > [@lno](#): > > Dear 50s Dad, > > I’m sad that I wasn’t able to serve in World War Two like Uncle Johnny did. I’m also sad that you didn’t serve either. I bet you would have killed a million Communist Nazis. I want to be the first kid on my block to get a confirmed kill, too. I’m going to be 18 in 1968. Do you think that there’ll be any way for me to shoot some Communists then? I mean, real legal-like, and not like when you and Uncle Johnny got drunk and started shooting at those Communist rock n’ rollers? > > Thanks, > J.T. Davis Dear **J.T.** , Well, you know WWII _was_ the _War to End All Wars_, so I wouldn’t get my hopes up if I were you. Maybe **50’s Dad** will take you along to a lodge meeting to meet the fellas. How’s that sound, eh sport? ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/68 "2005-09-21T14:15:02Z")
Dear 50’s Dad, Sometimes after football practice when all the guys are showering I get funny feelings in my private parts. This happens especially when I see those big burly linemen without their clothes on. Should I go see a doctor about this? ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/69 "2005-09-21T15:30:14Z")
> [@YaWanna](#): > > Dear **50’s Dad** : > > I heard that a girl can get “in the family way” by swimming in a public swimming pool. I don’t want that to happen to me! Is it true? If so, I am never going to the public swimming pool again! What if it’s too late? Will I get sent away? Dear **YaWanna** , You sure can! That’s why young ladies like youself should spend their time at home with their mothers engaging in wholesome activities like baking. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/70 "2005-09-21T15:36:57Z")
> [@MacTech](#): > > Dear **50’s Dad** > i hear we will have flying cars and personal helicopters in the far, far future time of 1999, if that’s true, i’m gonna party , what would you reccomend for responsible adult refreshments for the 1999 party, and should i have my personal robot serve my guests… > > oh, and how can we prevent our pesonal robot servants from becoming communists? > > how can you tell if someone is a commie, is there a blood test or something that needs to be done, i’m suspicious of my boss at work… Dear **MacTech** , Yessiree, our fine American scientists are thinking up clever new inventions every day. Why, I’d be surprised if we had to wait _that_ long for flying cars - they’re already working on an “aquatic automobile”. And refreshments? Look, son, you can’t go wrong with scotch, as I’m sure your guests will agree. But you’ll have to watch those robotic servents closely for signs of Communist tendencies like liberalism and laziness. Keep you eye on your boss, too. But remember, son: he’s your boss, so you must show him the proper respect, up to and after you’ve turned him over to the proper authorities. Good luck, son. We’re counting on you to keep this fine country of our strong and free of the Communist menace. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/71 "2005-09-21T15:39:03Z")
> [@Jpeg Jones](#): > > Dear Fifties Dad, > > My three-year-old boy keeps trying to sodomize our cocker spaniel with a Toblerone while I’m puttering around in the garage workshop. My question is, what’s the best kind of wood for a spice rack for my wife? Dear **Mr. Jones** , Well, heh-heh. Boys will be boys, won’t they? And for the spice rack, I’d go with Dutch Elm. It’s plentiful, you know, and stronly resistent to cracking, mildew, and infection. Good luck, and attaboy! ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/72 "2005-09-21T15:44:14Z")
> [@adam yax](#): > > Dear 50’s Dad, > > I hate t break it to you but you are a communist. Or at least a communist sympathizer. Why else would you be telling teenage girls to not put out? Did you realize that as of 1950 there are over half a billion Chinese? And did you also realize that the US population in 1950 was under 160 million? The scariest thing is that if current growth continues in 2005 the US will still have under 300 million people while there could be 1.3 billion (that is billion with a **b** ) Chinese. Do you even want to contemplate that there could also be over 1 billion Indians (Like Gandhi, not Tonto)? > > Please do your patriotic duty and encourage all girls to do the right thing. Dear **Adam** , Easy now, son. It’s ok to be concerned about the Communist threat to our fine way of life, but I think you’re a bit confused here. It’s a common ploy of the agents of Communism to try to corrupt fine young men like yourself and get you thinking all kinds of irresponsible things, like it’s ok to have pre-marital sex. I’m telling you, young man: it’s not. And it’s not the Chinese we need to worry about, m’boy. It’s the Soviets. So why don’t you go play ball for a bit with your pals, and think that over. When you’re ready to listen to reason, I’ll be in the Den. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/73 "2005-09-21T15:47:48Z")
> [@Mona Lott](#): > > Dear 50’s Dad, > > ``` > The trashy neighbors down the street bought Hula-Hoops for their kids. I wouldn't mind if they kept their lewd behavior inside their house, but they let the kids use these vile things while they are outdoors. We are a respectable family. My question is, Should we put our girls in a convent? I await your answer--time is of the essense. > > ``` > > Signed, > > Moral Mom Dear **Moral Mom** , Good for you for recognizing immoral (and potentially Communist) behavior in your neighborhood. It warms my heart to see an upstanding member of the community such as yourself concerned enough to and bright enough to get good advice when you need it most. I wouldn’t recommend packing the girls off to a convent, but you might consider keeping them indoors, at least until they’re married. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![MacTech](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/74 "2005-09-21T15:51:13Z")
**50’s Dad** fighting the inexorable march of Communism is futile, we are making inroads into your culture even as we speak, you are the last of a dying breed, the flag-waving American, America will become a wonderful, free, Comunist state, where all people are equal and the power will finally rest with who it belongs to, the Worker resistance is futile, you will be assimilated yours in Communism Fidel “don’t call me Giggles” Castro ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/75 "2005-09-21T15:54:42Z")
Dear 50’s Dad, I am building a bomb shelter in our back yard to protect my family from the Red Menance. My question is is no matter how I wire it, I just cannot get good TV reception on my RCA in my underground bunker. The bunny ears are useless. What do you recommend? How am I to survive the apocalypse with just the wife and 5 daughters with my sanity intact? Sincerely, Howard G. Nelson ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/76 "2005-09-21T15:57:55Z")
> [@chappachula](#): > > The colored people are talking about boycotting the buses!!! > What’s next? Will they try to eat at the lunch counter in Woolworth’s? > > How can we protect our daughters? Dear **Chap** , Colored, eh? I’d only worry if they’re _red_. And you’re right to worry about your daughters. Like I told **Moral Mom** , your best bet is to keep your girls indoors where you can protect them, and make sure they learn the important skills they’ll need later in life like cooking and sewing. Good luck son. Go make me proud. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/77 "2005-09-21T16:00:36Z")
> [@MacTech](#): > > **50’s Dad** > fighting the inexorable march of Communism is futile, we are making inroads into your culture even as we speak, you are the last of a dying breed, the flag-waving American, America will become a wonderful, free, Comunist state, where all people are equal and the power will finally rest with who it belongs to, the Worker > > resistance is futile, you will be assimilated > yours in Communism > Fidel “don’t call me Giggles” Castro Dear **Fidel** , It’s very nice to hear from you again. I was a bit concerned when I learned my Citrus Plantations on your fine island nation had been Privatizzed, but we all know that can’t last. Why don’t you get on board with us, sport? I mean, really. how long do you think this _People’s rebellion_ of yours can last? Good luck, and God Bless. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/78 "2005-09-21T16:04:07Z")
Dear 50’s Dad, We attend Our Lady of Perpetual Misery where our six sons ( Michael, Patrick, Johnny, Jimmy, Joey and Stevie) do us proud as altar boys ( They rotate on a weekly basis, a different two every Sunday) After every mass, they help out Father Shanahan for an extra hour, then both come home sullen and withdrawn. It is getting more and more difficult to get all of them to do their Righteous Duty and Serve the Lord. How to I guilt my boys properly? I fear for their souls. Signed, Mary Margeret Hoolihan-Flaherty ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/79 "2005-09-21T16:07:11Z")
Dear 50’s Dad, I understand that there is an Upstart in Senate who is one of them Catholics that has a shot at being President. What as a papist hating member of the United States can I do to stop this Irish Menance? Clearly, it is the sign of the End of Times! Concerned, Clem Kadiddlehopper ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546/80 "2005-09-21T16:41:56Z")
> [@Shirley Ujest](#): > > Dear 50’s Dad, > > We attend Our Lady of Perpetual Misery where our six sons ( Michael, Patrick, Johnny, Jimmy, Joey and Stevie) do us proud as altar boys ( They rotate on a weekly basis, a different two every Sunday) > > After every mass, they help out Father Shanahan for an extra hour, then both come home sullen and withdrawn. It is getting more and more difficult to get all of them to do their Righteous Duty and Serve the Lord. > > How to I guilt my boys properly? I fear for their souls. > Signed, > > Mary Margeret Hoolihan-Flaherty Dear **Mrs. Hoolihan-Flaherty** , I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about. Boys can be moody. Why, they’re probably just sore because they’d rather be out playing ball. If it was anything more serious, I’m sure they’d come to you for advise. In the mean-time, I think you’d be best off to just ignore the whole thing and pretend everything is fine. I’m sure 20 or 30 years from now, you’ll have forgotten all about their bad moods. Good luck, dear. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-50s-dad/322546.md?page=5)