# Ask the adoptee who now has the info to find his bio parents **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 14, 2014, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-adoptee-who-now-has-the-info-to-find-his-bio-parents/681306 "2014-02-14T04:52:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2014, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-adoptee-who-now-has-the-info-to-find-his-bio-parents/681306/21 "2014-02-14T22:01:14Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > My therapist is worried my motivation for meeting my bio parents is to rub it in that I turned out ok, despite what they were told my life would be like. Is that so bad? ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2014, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-adoptee-who-now-has-the-info-to-find-his-bio-parents/681306/22 "2014-02-14T22:18:41Z")
It’s one thing to shown them you’ve had a good life. It’s another to say “see, you blew it. I was not as sick as you thought I’d be. Shoulda kept me, huh” ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2014, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-adoptee-who-now-has-the-info-to-find-his-bio-parents/681306/23 "2014-02-14T22:20:30Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > It’s one thing to shown them you’ve had a good life. It’s another to say “see, you blew it. I was not as sick as you thought I’d be. Shoulda kept me, huh” The latter is exactly how he fears they would take it. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2014, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-adoptee-who-now-has-the-info-to-find-his-bio-parents/681306/24 "2014-02-14T22:23:15Z")
I hope it goes well for you! I’ve always wanted to find my bio dad, but the information is very limited, so chances are slim. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2014, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-adoptee-who-now-has-the-info-to-find-his-bio-parents/681306/25 "2014-02-15T01:23:52Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > My therapist is worried my motivation for meeting my bio parents is to rub it in that I turned out ok, despite what they were told my life would be like. If the real reason they put you up for adoption was because they truly felt they couldn’t adequately care for you they _might_ be thrilled you turned out OK - I’ve known a couple people who gave up children out of a fear they couldn’t care for them then later reunited with those children, who were having decent lives, and were reassured they made the right decision. Of course, you never know how people will reat. They might not be happy. And, of course, there is YOUR motivation - I think your therapist was right to ask the question. Why do you want to meet them? Curiosity? Your situation is different than the average adoptee’s since you have a disability, and that can potentially add another layer of emotion to everything. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2014, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-adoptee-who-now-has-the-info-to-find-his-bio-parents/681306/26 "2014-02-15T02:08:31Z")
I was the found bio parent, 10 years ago. It was a tsunami of emotion, for us both. We chose to go forward slowly, ( it’s sort of our nature). Not everyone does. It’s been an exceptional, unique, stunning and rewarding adventure for us both. I wish you all the best. My advice is go forward only at a pace which both people are comfortable with, that’s important. Don’t let your enthusiasm to move forward make the other feel pushed. But more than that, be yourself, and remember to breathe!🙂 ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2014, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-adoptee-who-now-has-the-info-to-find-his-bio-parents/681306/27 "2014-02-15T02:10:13Z")
Like most adoptees who seek out their bio parents, I want to know where I came from. He’s adopted as well, so there’s that dynamic. ---
**Author:** ![tonyfop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/85f322/32.png) [@tonyfop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tonyfop)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2014, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-adoptee-who-now-has-the-info-to-find-his-bio-parents/681306/28 "2014-02-15T02:16:46Z")
What agency handled your adoption? I was adopted through a Catholic orphanage/adoption agency, and I don’t think my parents got any documents which identified my bio-parents. If they did, they haven’t told me. I would like to search, but I know that it would hurt my parents if they knew… ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2014, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-adoptee-who-now-has-the-info-to-find-his-bio-parents/681306/29 "2014-02-15T04:54:18Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > Like most adoptees who seek out their bio parents, I want to know where I came from. **He’s** adopted as well, so there’s that dynamic. I’m sorry if i missed something but who is “he”? Your father? ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2014, 1:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-adoptee-who-now-has-the-info-to-find-his-bio-parents/681306/30 "2014-02-15T13:03:38Z")
Ambi-my therapist is adopted. A protestant group handled the adoption. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2014, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-adoptee-who-now-has-the-info-to-find-his-bio-parents/681306/31 "2014-02-15T14:25:08Z")
I pray for a good outcome. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2014, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-adoptee-who-now-has-the-info-to-find-his-bio-parents/681306/32 "2014-02-15T20:16:46Z")
If you could share the memory of an event from your life w/ your bio-parents as though they were there, which would it be? Is there anything you cold learn about them that would prevent you from being upset w/ them once you see them? ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2014, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-adoptee-who-now-has-the-info-to-find-his-bio-parents/681306/33 "2014-02-15T20:44:43Z")
The memory I’d share is probably my prom that ended up being in the newspaper. I’m not upset they gave me up. Maybe I should, on some level. ---
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2014, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-adoptee-who-now-has-the-info-to-find-his-bio-parents/681306/34 "2014-02-16T18:51:09Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > I’m not upset they gave me up. Maybe I should, on some level. I would not assume that they had any sort of bad intention. I think there’s a good chance that they really want you to have a good life and they were trying to do the best they could for you with the information they had at the time. ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2014, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-adoptee-who-now-has-the-info-to-find-his-bio-parents/681306/35 "2014-02-16T20:10:19Z")
Lavender- I have always believed that was the motivation for surrendering me. I don’t anticipate anything changing that. ---
**Author:** ![usedtobe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ec9cab/32.png) [@usedtobe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/usedtobe)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2014, 11:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-adoptee-who-now-has-the-info-to-find-his-bio-parents/681306/36 "2014-02-17T11:06:55Z")
Maybe have your parents send them a letter explaining that they have given you this info and include current address (and maybe a snapshot). Give it a week - if they do not contact you, maybe you should reduce expectations. Then get their current address(es) and proceed cautiously - they may actually hostile toward a meeting/you’d be better off NOT knowing how they ended up. 36 years can do wonders to people - not all of which is good. I have exactly zero experience with adoptions from any standpoint, so that is a FWIW to you. Good luck, and may find a loving couple eager to meet you. ---
**Author:** ![bengangmo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/50afbb/32.png) [@bengangmo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bengangmo)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2014, 11:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-adoptee-who-now-has-the-info-to-find-his-bio-parents/681306/37 "2014-02-17T11:36:32Z")
> [@usedtobe](#): > > Maybe have your parents send them a letter explaining that they have given you this info and include current address (and maybe a snapshot). > > Give it a week - if they do not contact you, maybe you should reduce expectations. > Then get their current address(es) and proceed cautiously - they may actually hostile toward a meeting/you’d be better off NOT knowing how they ended up. > > 36 years can do wonders to people - not all of which is good. > > I have exactly zero experience with adoptions from any standpoint, so that is a FWIW to you. > > Good luck, and may find a loving couple eager to meet you. I’d give it way longer than a week, something like that is a huge shock, and one week is barely long enough to come to terms with it, let alone compose a response. (at least in my very humble opinion) ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2014, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-adoptee-who-now-has-the-info-to-find-his-bio-parents/681306/38 "2014-02-17T15:56:02Z")
I called the agency, yet to hear from them, so talking directly to bio parents is a ways off. With all due respect, if you’ve never been involved in a closed adoption, your opinion on how it should go is worth bupkiss. Of course, that that’s just MHO. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2014, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-adoptee-who-now-has-the-info-to-find-his-bio-parents/681306/39 "2014-02-17T16:13:51Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > Lavender- I have always believed that was the motivation for surrendering me. I don’t anticipate anything changing that. They, themselves, may question it with the time that has passed. And their own circumstances. They might feel guilt or regret…regardless of your intentions or your belief in the purity of their motivations. All the best. I saw my father reunite with his birthfather when I was a child - now his mother (his birthmother raised him, but his birthfather had moved out of state and my Dad was adopted by his stepfather) is gone, his father is gone, and his birthfather, who he barely knows, is elderly - and he’s ended up next of kin. They have a respectful relationship (his father didn’t want to burden my Dad with next of kin - my Dad convinced him that there was no one else - he has no other children, he is a widower, his siblings and in laws have all pre-deceased him - its my Dad - or the neighbor…). I’m also married to someone with a full birth sister that was placed for adoption - that reunion is more fraught with issues in that in twenty five years since the reunion, the fit hasn’t really been established. She has a good relationship with her mother (my mother in law), but my father in law (my in laws are divorced) doesn’t care to acknowledge her with more than a nod. And my husband treats her as a distant cousin (which, frankly, is about right - they have little in common but genetics). Its awkward, my mother in law would like it to be less so, but can’t force it. And I have an adopted son - who has NO interest in his birth parents. Never has. He has no interest in the less personal birth country. If his birthmother is in Korea counting the days until he is of legal age and can start a search, she will be disappointed, I don’t think he will ever look (he’s fifteen, he can look in two and a half years). ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2014, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-adoptee-who-now-has-the-info-to-find-his-bio-parents/681306/40 "2014-02-17T16:19:22Z")
Right before my brother joined the Army, he had a sudden interest in finding his birth parents. In the process of getting information, he learned some details about himself that made him feel weird for awhile. But I don’t know if he ever followed through and contacted his birth mother or father. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-adoptee-who-now-has-the-info-to-find-his-bio-parents/681306.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-adoptee-who-now-has-the-info-to-find-his-bio-parents/681306.md?page=3)