# Ask The BDSM Guy. **URL:** \ **Category:** Great Debates\ **Created:** [March 11, 2002, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-bdsm-guy/97703 "2002-03-11T22:19:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Keeve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f07891/32.png) [@Keeve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Keeve)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2002, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-bdsm-guy/97703/21 "2002-03-13T20:28:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by iampunha \* > **I don’t think I’d have fun having my balls nailed to a razor blade, but maybe that’s someone else’s bag. I do enjoy pain in many forms so long as it doesn’t get too extreme** I just don’t understand how such painful things can be considered “fun” by anyone. Can anyone think of an example from a non-sexual context where such extreme pain is fun? I’m not criticizing, just trying to get a handle on the mindset. ---
**Author:** ![barbitu8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/839c29/32.png) [@barbitu8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/barbitu8)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2002, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-bdsm-guy/97703/22 "2002-03-13T22:51:51Z")
A recent article in Popular Science (April 2002) states: > [@](#): > > Almost everybody gets pleasure from some kind of pain. Some people like their food so hot it makes them sweat; others get off on the “burn” that comes from a hellacious workout. Scientists, meanwhile, are hard at work figuring out why some thngs hurt so good. > > Researchers at Mass. General Hospital have discovered that the part of the brain called the nucleius accumbens, which lights up when people feel pleasure, also does so when they feel pain. This…proves that there’s a bona fide intersection between pain and pleasure. I’ll paraphrase the remainder of the article. Previous research shows that the three sensations of experiencing pain (physically, emotionally, and as a perception of threat) involve different circuitry in the brain. This new research shows that the perception of pain is present in the same area that responds to pleasurable activities. ---
**Author:** ![andros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e480ec/32.png) [@andros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andros)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2002, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-bdsm-guy/97703/23 "2002-03-13T23:23:52Z")
> [@](#): > > Can anyone think of an example from a non-sexual context where such extreme pain is fun? I’m not criticizing, just trying to get a handle on the mindset. Well, not as extreme as a razor to the scrotum, but howsabout tattooing? Nipple piercing? ---
**Author:** ![Playdeaux](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e99b99/32.png) [@Playdeaux](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Playdeaux)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2002, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-bdsm-guy/97703/24 "2002-03-14T04:29:20Z")
I’ve thought about starting a thread like this for a long time, **Hastur** , but you’ve beat me to it. _[sub]Pun intended[/sub]_ Good for you! > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Keeve \* > \*\* > I just don’t understand how such painful things can be considered “fun” by anyone. Can anyone think of an example from a non-sexual context where such extreme pain is fun? I’m not criticizing, just trying to get a handle on the mindset. \*\* A non-sexual comparison I’ve often used is amusement park rides. People love the extreme physical sensation, which they would _not_ enjoy in other situations, such as the elevator at work. They love the feeling of danger in a context where they know that they’re not in any actual danger. They also have to place their trust in others and give up control over what happens. That can be extremely liberating. Coming back to a sexual context, though, if you’ve ever had sex and later discovered a hickey, bite mark, scratch or bruise, you’ve probably experienced the transference of pain to pleasure. Even if you’ve just been sore later, your body was probably busily dumping endorphins into your system while your brain was busily processing everything as intense pleasure. ---
**Author:** ![SisterCoyote](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/958977/32.png) [@SisterCoyote](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SisterCoyote)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2002, 5:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-bdsm-guy/97703/25 "2002-03-14T05:53:15Z")
Suddenly, my intense fascination with (and enjoyment of) Roller Coasters is explained. So, BDSM Guy :D, the Trust has to go both ways, does it not? The guy (or gal) on the bottom has to trust the guy (or gal) on the top for all sorts of reasons, but the opposite is also true - the top needs to trust the bottom to let them know if something’s not working out. Or am I way off base? ---
**Author:** ![ITR\_champion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c67d28/32.png) [@ITR\_champion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ITR_champion)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2002, 9:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-bdsm-guy/97703/26 "2002-03-14T09:59:16Z")
I recall reading somewhere that 55% of women and 50% of men respond erotically to being bitten. Can you confirm this, or do you have any other statistics regarding how many people are into this sort of stuff? ---
**Author:** ![Tansu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/67e7ee/32.png) [@Tansu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tansu)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2002, 10:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-bdsm-guy/97703/27 "2002-03-14T10:58:26Z")
**Sister Coyote** : Absolutely. There’s a lot of subtle communication going on, from tiny semi-involuntary non verbal signals to the outright “Please, Mistress, could you …” to “Ooh, no, argh, more lube actually” If you know and trust your bottom (ho ho ho no pun intended) you can push the boundaries a little and take them to new physical and psychological experiences. If you don’t trust that they’ll communicate, the scene will lose all its vitality. It won’t be a two-way thing, and the top will probably have to keep things relatively tame. It’s like communication is the biggest part of the safety harness against which you can let yourself go. No safety harness, no travelling at speed. Plus, getting the bottom to explicity ask for depraved things is all part of the fun, sometimes. (Sorry for getting in first, Hastur. I’m sure you’ll have plenty to add) ITR champion: No idea as to the validity of those stats. Only ever interacted with one person who didn’t like being gnawed and nibbled. Maybe I attract willing bitees. ---
**Author:** ![istara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/e79b87/32.png) [@istara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/istara)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2002, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-bdsm-guy/97703/28 "2002-03-14T14:05:34Z")
Are there roughly even numbers of people wanting to be dominant/submissive? Or is one role generally more popular? And are there many people that do both roles? ---
**Author:** ![Kiki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/dc4da7/32.png) [@Kiki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kiki)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2002, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-bdsm-guy/97703/29 "2002-03-14T17:21:44Z")
I’ve learned a lot about BDSM from this thread (and learned that some of the things I like/do are considered part of BDSM). Is roleplaying another form of BDSM just not as extreme? ---
**Author:** ![Ike\_Witt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ike_witt/32/283_2.png) [@Ike\_Witt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ike_Witt)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2002, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-bdsm-guy/97703/30 "2002-03-14T18:36:27Z")
**Hastur** , what do you recommend for a couple that is interested in some aspects of SMBD but don’t know where to start? I assume that there is no “SMBD for Dummies” book available. ---
**Author:** ![Keeve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f07891/32.png) [@Keeve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Keeve)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2002, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-bdsm-guy/97703/31 "2002-03-14T19:46:33Z")
Thanks for the responses, all. Actually, I had thought of the roller coaster myself, but was hoping for more examples. I guess the hard workout exersizing fits the bill for me. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by andros \*\*\* > Well, not as extreme as a razor to the scrotum, but howsabout tattooing? Nipple piercing? \*\* Yowzers. I understand that people could like these for how they look afterwards, but you suggest that the act of getting it is pleasurable too? Okay, if that’s what you enjoy, I suppose… ---
**Author:** ![Kricket](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f14d63/32.png) [@Kricket](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kricket)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2002, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-bdsm-guy/97703/32 "2002-03-14T22:29:50Z")
Well, you never answered my question so I am going to play anyway. A personal answer to the can you be both sub and dom. I am mostly submissive but have been dominant before. My husband also flips back and forth between the two but he is mostly dom. As for gnawing and nibbling the harder the better. NO, those aren’t hickies! Look closer and you can see the teeth marks. Fisting can be fun! (sounds like a book title doesn’t it?) I have had one of the most earth shattering orgasms due to this practice. Tattoos and Nipple piercings (I have both) were very erotic. When I showed a friend the pictures of my piercing in process he said that by the look in my eyes he knew my husband was in trouble when we got home. The night we both got inked was a night to remember. Word of advise don’t get inked on your back if your SO is getting inked on his chest. Made positioning interesting to say the least. Now a another question from me…how would a person go about finding a dungeon in thier area? I’ve looked in swingers magazine ads up at the local toy store and haven’t seen a hint. And how would you personally go about getting someone to play a little rougher when they are worried about hurting you? ---
**Author:** ![Scylla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Scylla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scylla)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2002, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-bdsm-guy/97703/33 "2002-03-15T01:34:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Hastur \* > \*\* > Contrary to myths and fears, one does not lose bowel/sphincter control if the fisting is done in a safe manner with LOTS of lubricant. > \*\* Not to arbitrarily contradict you (and it took me two days to find this and be sure,) but according to Dr. Bruce Orkin, M.D., director of the division of rectal surgery at George Washington University Medical Center in Washington, D.C. “Repeatedly dilating the rectum can cause a loss of muscle tone.” I thought you might want to know. ---
**Author:** ![Rysdad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7cd45c/32.png) [@Rysdad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rysdad)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2002, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-bdsm-guy/97703/34 "2002-03-15T03:00:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by adam yax \* > \*\ ***Hastur** , what do you recommend for a couple that is interested in some aspects of SMBD but don’t know where to start? I assume that there is no “SMBD for Dummies” book available. \*\* Actually, there is a book called _Screw the Roses, Give Me the Thorns_ that you might find enlightening. You might also want to check out [CastleRealm](http://www.castlerealm.com/CastleRealm.shtml). ---
**Author:** ![Rysdad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7cd45c/32.png) [@Rysdad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rysdad)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2002, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-bdsm-guy/97703/35 "2002-03-15T03:07:27Z")
[http://www.castlerealm.com/](http://www.castlerealm.com/) Maybe that link to CastleRealm would work better. ---
**Author:** ![Playdeaux](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e99b99/32.png) [@Playdeaux](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Playdeaux)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2002, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-bdsm-guy/97703/36 "2002-03-15T03:10:26Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by istara \* > \*\*Are there roughly even numbers of people wanting to be dominant/submissive? Or is one role generally more popular? > > And are there many people that do both roles? \*\* I’m sure **Hastur** will be along any moment. In the meantime, I’ll toss in my thoughts. Most people are more comfortable in one role or another. There’s also yet another division, which is top/bottom. A good friend of mine describes submission/dominance as being more about psychological & emotional interaction, and topping/bottoming as being more about physical and sexual sensation. There are those who identify as subs but not bottoms, tops but not doms, subs who top, etc. People who can go back & forth between sub/bottom & top/dom are called “switches.” > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Kiki \* > \*\*Is roleplaying another form of BDSM just not as extreme? \*\* Roleplaying is a form of BDSM. It runs the whole gamut from pretending you’re the Rifleman & Miss Kitty, to what some people consider edge-play, such as age-play or pre-negotiated rape scenes. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by adam yax \* > \*\ ***Hastur** , what do you recommend for a couple that is interested in some aspects of SMBD but don’t know where to start? I assume that there is no “SMBD for Dummies” book available. \*\* Actually, there are lots of introductory books out there. “SM-101” by Jay Wiseman is very good, so is “The Loving Dominant,” “The Lesbian’s S&M Safety Manual” (not just for lesbians), and “Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns,” just to name a few. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Kricket \* > \*\*Now a another question from me…how would a person go about finding a dungeon in thier area? I’ve looked in swingers magazine ads up at the local toy store and haven’t seen a hint. > \*\* The best place to start looking for a local dungeon or BDSM group is on the Internet. Most people don’t advertise (unless they’re pros), or if they do it’s done in a very subtle way. However, there’s a wealth of websites, message boards, mailing lists, etc. on the web. \*\* > [@](#): > > And how would you personally go about getting someone to play a little rougher when they are worried about hurting you? \*\* Talk to them about how you feel and what you want. The most important thing is communication. If you’re not ready for the talk, you might just try one word whispered during a passionate moment - _“harder.”_😉 ---
**Author:** ![istara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/e79b87/32.png) [@istara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/istara)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2002, 1:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-bdsm-guy/97703/37 "2002-03-15T13:53:15Z")
Sorry to be ignorant but what is the difference between sub/dom and bottom/top? Is the latter just about who likes to go on top? Or is it like giving/receiving passive/active? Could you provide examples (appropriate enough for this board so they don’t get censored I mean)? ---
**Author:** ![Kricket](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f14d63/32.png) [@Kricket](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kricket)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2002, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-bdsm-guy/97703/38 "2002-03-15T14:12:21Z")
Playdeaux I’ve tried that and he says that he wants to but he’s still worried about hurting me. Maybe we will have another little talk about it this weekend. ---
**Author:** ![Tansu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/67e7ee/32.png) [@Tansu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tansu)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2002, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-bdsm-guy/97703/39 "2002-03-15T14:24:27Z")
istara: It’s like Playdeaux said. Here’s an example. Let’s say A is doing something sexual or physical to B. B turns to A, and with eyes and voice full of contempt verging on hatred snarls “You’ll be in for some _real_ punishment if you don’t do me properly!” (or similar) A is the top in this scene, handing out the physical action, but B is the dom, handing out the psychological thrill of terror and threat of punishment. ---
**Author:** ![Mockingbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c68b51/32.png) [@Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mockingbird)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2002, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-bdsm-guy/97703/40 "2002-03-15T21:02:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SisterCoyote \* > \*\*Suddenly, my intense fascination with (and enjoyment of) Roller Coasters is explained. > > So, BDSM Guy :D, the Trust has to go both ways, does it not? The guy (or gal) on the bottom has to trust the guy (or gal) on the top for all sorts of reasons, but the opposite is also true - the top needs to trust the bottom to let them know if something’s not working out. > > Or am I way off base? \*\* No, you are right on. The top needs to trust the bottom; that they are stable and know they want what they are asking for, knowing that the bottom is psychologically stable, and most importantly: that the bottom isn’t going to have a change of heart and claim that contact was NOT consentual and get the top busted by the cops(there have been instances of this). Trust is very much a two-way street, and cler communication is paramount. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-bdsm-guy/97703.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-bdsm-guy/97703.md?page=3)