# Ask the complete and total asshole! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 12, 2007, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948 "2007-09-12T18:58:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2007, 7:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/61 "2007-09-13T07:24:17Z")
Hey asshole, who taught you to part like that? Fucker. :mad: ---
**Author:** ![bbs2k](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e495f1/32.png) [@bbs2k](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bbs2k)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2007, 7:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/62 "2007-09-13T07:55:17Z")
Ooh ooh! Do me next! ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2007, 8:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/63 "2007-09-13T08:44:50Z")
Ask you WHAT??? Huh? Huh? What are YOU lookin’ at? ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2007, 1:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/64 "2007-09-13T13:03:51Z")
[QUOTE=bigbabysweets2000] Ooh ooh! Do me next! [/QUOTE] Yeah, that’s what your mom said too. ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2007, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/65 "2007-09-13T13:07:45Z")
[QUOTE=LiveOnAPlane] How can you claim to be an asshole when you live in Houston? [/QUOTE] You speak as if the two are mutually exclusive. Nothing could be farther from the truth; in fact, they’re practically synonymous. Try driving here for a few days and you’ll see what I mean. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2007, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/66 "2007-09-13T13:07:55Z")
**Ron**. When did you become a Doper? Ron is a cow-orker of mine who defines the word “asshole.” ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2007, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/67 "2007-09-13T13:14:42Z")
Do you believe that you were born a complete and total asshole, or is being a complete and total asshole the result of a conscious choice you made? ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2007, 1:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/68 "2007-09-13T13:16:46Z")
[QUOTE=LiveOnAPlane] How can you claim to be an asshole when you live in Houston? [/QUOTE] I bet he commutes to downtown on the Katy Freeway. ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2007, 1:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/69 "2007-09-13T13:18:17Z")
[QUOTE=pravnik] I bet he commutes to downtown on the Katy Freeway. [/QUOTE] Worse. 290. :mad: ---
**Author:** ![Defensive\_Indifference](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/defensive_indifference/32/6502_2.png) [@Defensive\_Indifference](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Defensive_Indifference)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2007, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/70 "2007-09-13T13:21:33Z")
Dear asshole: I’m an IT guy, with plenty of opportunities to be an asshole (You think we’re really “busy” when we drag our feet on your requests? Hee hee.) But I don’t think I’m up for the whole nine asshole yards. How can I abuse my position to be more like you? Thanks in advance for your invective. -Bayard ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2007, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/71 "2007-09-13T13:22:01Z")
[QUOTE=pravnik] Do you believe that you were born a complete and total asshole, or is being a complete and total asshole the result of a conscious choice you made? [/QUOTE] I was born with the talent, but I had to cultivate it. As the great Bill Russell said, when asked if he thought blacks were better “natural athletes” than whites: _Then what was I doing practicing ten hours a day on the playgrounds of San Francisco?_ ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2007, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/72 "2007-09-13T13:25:57Z")
[QUOTE=Bayard] Dear asshole: I’m an IT guy, with plenty of opportunities to be an asshole (You think we’re really “busy” when we drag our feet on your requests? Hee hee.) But I don’t think I’m up for the whole nine asshole yards. How can I abuse my position to be more like you? Thanks in advance for your invective. -Bayard [/QUOTE] But see, IT assholes are usually assholes simply because they lack the necessary soft skills to be tactful, and lack the perspective to realize that the average cubicle jockey doesn’t know what the IT guy knows. Thus, they can be a little impatient and condescending. Anyone can be _that_ kind of asshole. Being a **complete and total** asshole requires _effort_, son. A good exercise for building that sphincter is driving exactly the speed limit in the left lane of a major highway. Do it with your windows down so that you can hear the honks and screams of cars passing you on the right. When you find that you’re involuntarily smiling to yourself, you’re on the right path. ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2007, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/73 "2007-09-13T13:27:35Z")
[QUOTE=Annie-Xmas] **Ron**. When did you become a Doper? Ron is a cow-orker of mine who defines the word “asshole.” [/QUOTE] I don’t know this Ron of whom you speak, but, Jersey or not, he can’t hold a candle to me. ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2007, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/74 "2007-09-13T13:40:42Z")
Wow, I actually have, and still do, drive in the left lane, doing the speed limit and smiling to myself when I hear bitching. Wow, I am an asshole. Sweet! ---
**Author:** ![Defensive\_Indifference](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/defensive_indifference/32/6502_2.png) [@Defensive\_Indifference](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Defensive_Indifference)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2007, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/75 "2007-09-13T13:56:04Z")
[QUOTE=Least Original User Name Ever] Wow, I actually have, and still do, drive in the left lane, doing the speed limit and smiling to myself when I hear bitching. Wow, I am an asshole. Sweet! [/QUOTE] I used to teach a defensive driving course (the kind that companies to do lower their insurance rates). Our patter went something like: “The left lane is the _passing_ lane, not the _speeding_ lane. It is not OK to exceed the speed limit in the left lane. If you have to speed to pass someone, you were probably doing close to the speed limit to begin with, which means you didn’t need to pass.” There is a certain logic to this, but I don’t think many of my pupils took me seriously. ---
**Author:** ![betenoir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/258eb7/32.png) [@betenoir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/betenoir)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2007, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/76 "2007-09-13T16:26:40Z")
Heh. This puts in mind of my ex-boss who got called an asshole by Lou Reed. He was very proud. I believe he put it on his resume. And you still haven’t told me how to become more like you. What are you, some kind of…jerk. :\> ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2007, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/77 "2007-09-13T16:37:29Z")
So what do you keep in that “man-sized safe,” anyway? ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2007, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/78 "2007-09-13T18:32:22Z")
[QUOTE=Bayard] “The left lane is the _passing_ lane, not the _speeding_ lane. It is not OK to exceed the speed limit in the left lane. If you have to speed to pass someone, you were probably doing close to the speed limit to begin with, which means you didn’t need to pass.” [/QUOTE] If you said this with a straight face, I may need to reliquish my crown to you. _May_. :mad: ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2007, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/79 "2007-09-13T18:33:31Z")
[QUOTE=betenoir] And you still haven’t told me how to become more like you. What are you, some kind of…jerk. :\> [/QUOTE] Phase 1: Keep posting unsolicited asides in this thread, ya needy little dog turd. Phase 2: … Phase 3: [del]Profit![/del] Asshole! ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2007, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/80 "2007-09-13T18:37:02Z")
[QUOTE=Vinyl Turnip] So what do you keep in that “man-sized safe,” anyway? [/QUOTE] Piss and vinegar. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948.md?page=5)