# Ask the complete and total asshole! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 12, 2007, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948 "2007-09-12T18:58:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Wile\_E](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c37758/32.png) [@Wile\_E](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wile_E)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2007, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/81 "2007-09-13T22:12:49Z")
Just what we need, another asshole. :rolleyes: [QUOTE=elfkin477] Having seen your pics in the picture thread, I’m curious…do you find that many women let you get away with being an asshole because you’re cute? … [/QUOTE] Wait … he’s cute? Well, that’s different. But I might need a cite. ---
**Author:** ![SSG\_Schwartz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SSG\_Schwartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SSG_Schwartz)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2007, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/82 "2007-09-13T22:29:20Z")
How many public toilet seats did you piss on today? Did you dog crap on my lawn again today? Would you just subscribe to the damn paper instead of stealing mine? SSG Schwartz ---
**Author:** ![lobstermobster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobstermobster/32/10033_2.png) [@lobstermobster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobstermobster)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2007, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/83 "2007-09-13T22:49:30Z")
Dear Asshole: A co-worker has invited me over for dinner at her house. What do you think is an appropriate hostess present? ---
**Author:** ![betenoir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/258eb7/32.png) [@betenoir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/betenoir)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2007, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/84 "2007-09-13T22:52:58Z")
[QUOTE=OneCentStamp] Phase 1: Keep posting unsolicited asides in this thread, ya needy little dog turd. Phase 2: … Phase 3: [del]Profit![/del] Asshole! [/QUOTE] Yeah well, I’ll post all the the unsolicited asides I bloody well feel like. Hey. Maybe I don’t need your help to become a complete asshole 🙂 . ---
**Author:** ![Max\_the\_Immortal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/6de8d8/32.png) [@Max\_the\_Immortal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_the_Immortal)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/85 "2007-09-14T00:16:10Z")
[QUOTE=tdn] What is the air velocity of an unladen swallow? [/QUOTE] Zero. Asshole shot it. ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/86 "2007-09-14T00:27:40Z")
[QUOTE=lobstermobster] Dear Asshole: A co-worker has invited me over for dinner at her house. What do you think is an appropriate hostess present? [/QUOTE] Is the hostess pregnant? If so, go with a nice carton of GPCs and a fifth of Southern Comfort. Otherwise, scented candles from Wal-Mart are inexpensive and always in season. ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/87 "2007-09-14T00:29:59Z")
[QUOTE=SSG Schwartz] How many public toilet seats did you piss on today? [/quote] None. I piss on the roll of toilet paper. > [@](#): > > Did you dog crap on my lawn again today? That was me. > [@](#): > > Would you just subscribe to the damn paper instead of stealing mine? Why subscribe, when all I need is the sports page? The rest of your paper is in the gutter, ya crybaby. Have you liberated those office supplies yet? ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/88 "2007-09-14T00:33:14Z")
[QUOTE=elfkin477] Having seen your pics in the picture thread, I’m curious…do you find that many women let you get away with being an asshole because you’re cute? [/quote] Flattery will get you nowhere. And I’ll have you know that 4 out of 5 women like me _better_ as an asshole than as a nice guy. It’s a very liberating fact. > [@](#): > > Oh, and do you ever blame your sarcasm on British sitcoms? I find people don’t like “I watched a lot of British sitcoms as a child” as an answer to “Why do you have to be so fucking sarcastic?” If I grew up on BBC sitcoms, I would have a sparkling “HA” on my forehead, for “holographic asshole.” And that would just make me a laughingstock. ---
**Author:** ![SSG\_Schwartz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SSG\_Schwartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SSG_Schwartz)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/89 "2007-09-14T00:37:26Z")
[QUOTE=OneCentStamp] Have you liberated those office supplies yet? [/QUOTE] I still have two weeks to go, I am planning on taking pens, pencils, and the copier machine. There is also about 4 million sheets of printer paper that would fit into my trunk. Thanks to your post, I will not liberate the TP. SSG Schwartz ---
**Author:** ![krisolov](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/krisolov/32/3724_2.png) [@krisolov](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/krisolov)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/90 "2007-09-14T00:53:41Z")
so asshole, any job interview tips? I figure you must have lots of practice finding new jobs. ---
**Author:** ![Creaky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e68b1a/32.png) [@Creaky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Creaky)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/91 "2007-09-14T02:51:07Z")
I don’t care if you \*are \* an asshole. This is the funniest thread I’ve ever read. ---
**Author:** ![lobstermobster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobstermobster/32/10033_2.png) [@lobstermobster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobstermobster)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/92 "2007-09-14T02:53:33Z")
Dear asshole: how would you suggest I deal with really loud teenagers on the bus in the mornings? ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/93 "2007-09-14T05:23:57Z")
[QUOTE=OneCentStamp] Flattery will get you nowhere. And I’ll have you know that 4 out of 5 women like me _better_ as an asshole than as a nice guy. It’s a very liberating fact. [/QUOTE] Hey, I didn’t say they didn’t like you better that way. I was just curious if it worked the other way 'round - despite an acid tongue I’m able to charm 3/4ths of people I interact with and **all** of the ones who think I’m a bitch are women. I think a lot of the guys are too distracted by talking to my chest to realize what I’m saying anyway, though. 😉 You’re going to take all the staplers with you, right? ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 6:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/94 "2007-09-14T06:50:34Z")
[QUOTE=TokyoPlayer] Hey asshole, who taught you to part like that? Fucker. :mad: [/QUOTE] Hey asshole, why haven’t you answered the damn question? You blind? ---
**Author:** ![bbs2k](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e495f1/32.png) [@bbs2k](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bbs2k)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 6:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/95 "2007-09-14T06:58:19Z")
[QUOTE=TokyoPlayer] Hey asshole, why haven’t you answered the damn question? You blind? [/QUOTE] Is this pissing you off? ---
**Author:** ![bbs2k](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e495f1/32.png) [@bbs2k](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bbs2k)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 12:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/96 "2007-09-14T12:27:36Z")
I have a question for asshole. I really want to hang out with some new kids at school. Should I do drugs to fit in? ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 12:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/97 "2007-09-14T12:35:45Z")
[QUOTE=bigbabysweets2000] Is this pissing you off? [/QUOTE] It’s tough to tell. Should I be happy or pissed off that an asshole is ignoring me. Assholes unusally bother normal people, but if I say something about it, does that make me an asshole or a jerk? It’s a wilderness of mirrors now. ---
**Author:** ![bbs2k](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e495f1/32.png) [@bbs2k](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bbs2k)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/98 "2007-09-14T12:40:26Z")
[QUOTE=TokyoPlayer] It’s tough to tell. Should I be happy or pissed off that an asshole is ignoring me. [/QUOTE] You should probably sit down and shutup and let the asshole tell you what to think! :mad: 😉 ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/99 "2007-09-14T13:04:16Z")
Why am I talking to you? You’re only the _partial_ asshole. I want the complete and total asshole to give me advice. ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 1:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/100 "2007-09-14T13:06:36Z")
[QUOTE=bigbabysweets2000] I have a question for asshole. I really want to hang out with some new kids at school. Should I do drugs to fit in? [/QUOTE] Only if there are hot girls involved. Otherwise, you should turn them in to the school authorities. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948.md?page=6)