# Ask the complete and total asshole! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 12, 2007, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948 "2007-09-12T18:58:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 1:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/101 "2007-09-14T13:08:14Z")
[QUOTE=elfkin477] I think a lot of the guys are too distracted by talking to my chest to realize what I’m saying anyway, though. 😉 [/quote] If guys are talking to your chest, it’s because whatever’s coming out of your face isn’t interesting enough to keep their attention. 😉 > [@](#): > > You’re going to take all the staplers with you, right? Hell yes I am. ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/102 "2007-09-14T15:24:05Z")
[QUOTE=TokyoPlayer] Why am I talking to you? You’re only the _partial_ asshole. I want the complete and total asshole to give me advice. [/QUOTE] Keep going, grasshopper. You’re almost there. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/103 "2007-09-14T15:36:19Z")
[QUOTE=OneCentStamp] Keep going, grasshopper. You’re almost there. [/QUOTE] And you still haven’t answered the damn question! ::with reverent tones:: You _are_ an asshole. ---
**Author:** ![lobstermobster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobstermobster/32/10033_2.png) [@lobstermobster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobstermobster)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/104 "2007-09-14T15:39:06Z")
Dear Asshole: I have a former lover that possesses a good deal of incriminating information on me. How do I exact my rage and disgust with him (total hipster douchebag) without him retaliating by spilling the beans on me? -confused asshole-in-training ---
**Author:** ![Epimetheus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c4cdca/32.png) [@Epimetheus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Epimetheus)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/105 "2007-09-14T16:07:47Z")
Do you park over the line in a parking lot (on the side or in the front) just so the other parking spot is useless or people have to park really close? Do you then leave your cart so it rolls back into said parking spot, so if somebody wants to park there they have to get out to move it? Do you drive right to the edge of the lane dividing line so people passing you (because you are driving slow) have to worry about hitting you? Have you ever gone shopping for groceries and the lines were too long so you just left your full cart right there in the lane? Do you make noises and or faces at small children or ignore waves/smiles/nods from passing strangers, or just give them a dirty look when they do so? Have you ever motioned over one of those homeless guys at a stop light, asked him for the directions to some fancy and rich subdivision, only to give him a quarter for this time? Can you tell me of some more exciting things to do like the above that you have done for fun? ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/106 "2007-09-14T16:11:51Z")
[QUOTE=lobstermobster] Dear Asshole: I have a former lover that possesses a good deal of incriminating information on me. How do I exact my rage and disgust with him (total hipster douchebag) without him retaliating by spilling the beans on me? -confused asshole-in-training [/QUOTE] Incriminating, or merely embarrassing? That home video footage of you riding him like a reverse cowgirl is _not_ incriminating. Don’t be so dramatic. However, that’s neither here nor there. Hipster douchebags are worthy targets in any situation. I suggest you take his car keys and hide them at a local Starbucks. If the ex-lover is anything like the insufferably pretentious hipsters I know, the keys will be lost to him forever. ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/107 "2007-09-14T16:19:07Z")
[QUOTE=Epimetheus] Do you park over the line in a parking lot (on the side or in the front) just so the other parking spot is useless or people have to park really close? Do you then leave your cart so it rolls back into said parking spot, so if somebody wants to park there they have to get out to move it? [/quote] I park horizontally across three spots. I leave my shopping cart in the middle of the nearest handicapped spot, so that the driver has to get out of her car, hobble the cart out of the way, and get back into her car before she can park. > [@](#): > > Do you drive right to the edge of the lane dividing line so people passing you (because you are driving slow) have to worry about hitting you? Yes. > [@](#): > > Have you ever gone shopping for groceries and the lines were too long so you just left your full cart right there in the lane? I solve this problem by going to the “Ten Items of Less” express lane even if I have 47 items in my cart. > [@](#): > > Do you make noises and or faces at small children or ignore waves/smiles/nods from passing strangers, or just give them a dirty look when they do so? I teach little kids the [Shocker](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shocker_%28hand_gesture%29) when their parents aren’t looking. > [@](#): > > Have you ever motioned over one of those homeless guys at a stop light, asked him for the directions to some fancy and rich subdivision, only to give him a quarter for this time? I do this, only substituting “juicy bronx cheer” for “quarter.” > [@](#): > > Can you tell me of some more exciting things to do like the above that you have done for fun? I go to the personal care products aisle at Wal-Mart and spend a good half hour pouring Nair into bottles of hair conditioner. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/108 "2007-09-14T16:22:38Z")
> [@](#): > > I park horizontally across three spots. I leave my shopping cart in the middle of the nearest handicapped spot, so that the driver has to get out of her car, hobble the cart out of the way, and get back into her car before she can park. Oh sure, answer other people’s parking questions. What are you, an asshole? ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/109 "2007-09-14T16:31:23Z")
[QUOTE=TokyoPlayer] Oh sure, answer other people’s parking questions. What are you, an asshole? [/QUOTE] You haven’t _asked_ me any parking questions, dingbat. Go back and read your original post. You asked me where I learned to, and I quote, “ **part** ” like that. Part _what_? My hair? The Red Sea? :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/110 "2007-09-14T16:33:22Z")
[QUOTE=Creaky] I don’t care if you \*are \* an asshole. This is the funniest thread I’ve ever read. [/QUOTE] Watch it. I still have your pictures on my Flickr. I might just change the caption to “Look at Svetlana, my newly-purchased Ukrainian bride! I’m thinking of farming her out as a time-share. Any takers?” :mad: ---
**Author:** ![lobstermobster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobstermobster/32/10033_2.png) [@lobstermobster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobstermobster)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/111 "2007-09-14T16:53:14Z")
Dear asshole: What are some passive aggressive ways I can make sure people know that I am smarter and better than they are? On a related note, how do you feel about this “ask the straight A student” thread? Don’t think everyone on this message board would claim to be a straight A student? ---
**Author:** ![Creaky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e68b1a/32.png) [@Creaky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Creaky)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/112 "2007-09-14T16:55:54Z")
[QUOTE=OneCentStamp] Watch it. I still have your pictures on my Flickr. I might just change the caption to “Look at Svetlana, my newly-purchased Ukrainian bride! I’m thinking of farming her out as a time-share. Any takers?” :mad: [/QUOTE] Ooh, kinky! Tell ‘em I like bein’ spanked, too! ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/113 "2007-09-14T17:08:26Z")
[QUOTE=lobstermobster] Dear asshole: What are some passive aggressive ways I can make sure people know that I am smarter and better than they are? On a related note, how do you feel about this “ask the straight A student” thread? Don’t think everyone on this message board would claim to be a straight A student? [/QUOTE] Dear **lobstermobster** : Why are you asking me so many fucking questions? No, don’t answer that. I don’t care. Here’s your **Master Plan For Making Sure People Know You’re Smarter And Better Than They Are** : **1) Move out of the Bay Area.** Safety first. If the Bay acquires one more resident who thinks they’re the smartest, best person on the planet, we may reach critical mass. Remember that bridge collapse last month? It wasn’t the fuel truck, it was the combined weight of the egos in the other cars. **2) Take political stands that automatically judge, belittle and criticize people who differ with you.** Joining PETA is a good place to start. **3) Drop references to your days at Harvard into every conversation.** This is extremely effective, because if you didn’t actually _go_ to Harvard, the asshole factor is only increased. **4) I know you hate your ex**, but a healthy dose of hipsterhood can be icing on any self-important asshole’s cake. Try wearing heavy metal t-shirts (AC/DC and Guns n’ Roses are popular choices) for irony value. Nothing screams “superior” quite like wearing a KISS t-shirt to the Death Cab for Cutie show. Good luck! ---
**Author:** ![lobstermobster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobstermobster/32/10033_2.png) [@lobstermobster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobstermobster)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/114 "2007-09-14T17:49:28Z")
Dear Asshole: If you didn’t want me asking a lot of questions, why start this thread? Do you just not like me anymore? And negative on joining PETA. I started a pit thread not long ago about how much I don’t like them. ---
**Author:** ![Epimetheus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c4cdca/32.png) [@Epimetheus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Epimetheus)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/115 "2007-09-14T17:51:02Z")
[QUOTE=lobstermobster] Dear Asshole: If you didn’t want me asking a lot of questions, why start this thread? Do you just not like me anymore? And negative on joining PETA. I started a pit thread not long ago about how much I don’t like them. [/QUOTE] That is perfect then. You can lord about at PETA meetings feeling and acting superior calling them tree-hugging pansies, and then when you are out and about, look down on everybody for not being in PETA. It’s win-win. ---
**Author:** ![Wile\_E](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c37758/32.png) [@Wile\_E](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wile_E)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/116 "2007-09-14T18:02:43Z")
[QUOTE=Epimetheus] That is perfect then. You can lord about at PETA meetings feeling and acting superior calling them tree-hugging pansies, and then when you are out and about, look down on everybody for not being in PETA. It’s win-win. [/QUOTE] Ooh! And bring your special Swedish meatballs made with factory farmed pork, veal and chicken meats. You’ll really get their attention. ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/117 "2007-09-14T18:04:31Z")
[QUOTE=lobstermobster] Dear Asshole: If you didn’t want me asking a lot of questions, why start this thread? Do you just not like me anymore? And negative on joining PETA. I started a pit thread not long ago about how much I don’t like them. [/QUOTE] What makes you think I _ever_ liked you?\* You don’t have to like PETA. Just buy a t-shirt and coffee [del]smug[/del] mug. That way you can advertise your betterness without even wasting your breath. - My posts in the Asian girl thread are not admissible as evidence here. ---
**Author:** ![lobstermobster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobstermobster/32/10033_2.png) [@lobstermobster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobstermobster)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/118 "2007-09-14T19:23:42Z")
what the hell are you talking about, asshole? ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/119 "2007-09-14T19:29:13Z")
[QUOTE=lobstermobster] what the hell are you talking about, asshole? [/QUOTE] Exactly. :mad: ---
**Author:** ![lobstermobster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobstermobster/32/10033_2.png) [@lobstermobster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobstermobster)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2007, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948/120 "2007-09-14T19:31:10Z")
[QUOTE=OneCentStamp] Exactly. :mad: [/QUOTE] you just sound a little grumpy that all [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-complete-and-total-asshole/418948.md?page=7)