# Ask the cranky old malcontent **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 29, 2006, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983 "2006-12-29T14:30:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/1 "2006-12-29T14:30:08Z")
The following program is a work of fiction. Any similarities to real persons living or dead are purely coincidental. And your mother was a wildebeest. What’s wrong with you? Don’t you know who I am? My name is Cornelius P. Thornbotty, and I’m a hundred and goddamned eighteen years old! Not that I expect you to care or anything. All you lot give a damn about are your eye pods and your rap music and your Paris goddamn Hilton, whoever the holy hell she is. But you should care because I’m older than you and you filthy kids need to respect that and learn from your elders! You should, you know, and by Thor’s thunderous balls I’m gonna learn you a thing or two about a thing or two! Sit down, go on, park your pathetic behind in one of them there chairs and ask me something. Ask! Anything! I’ll tell you what life’s _really_ about, and I won’t sugar-coat it, neither. Just the way it is, the way you need to hear it, even if you won’t like it none because that’s the way things are, boy, and sometimes they suck harder’na fitty dollar whore, you hear me? You gonna ask me something or what? Eh? Yeah. Didn’t think so. Goddamn pansies. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/2 "2006-12-29T14:33:44Z")
I have a couple youngsters here that need a-teachin’. Can I pack them over to your place? ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/3 "2006-12-29T14:33:57Z")
So, how hard do those fifty dollar whores actually suck? I’ve heard long, mythical poems about them, some written by Longfellow, about their oral prowess. …What’s that smell? Did you crap yourself _again_? You know, there are more tactful ways of getting Betty, the Busty Coed Nurse over here to take care of ya. ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/4 "2006-12-29T14:35:13Z")
Also, what’s the deal with “respecting your elders”? Obviously, this saying was created by elders because it benefits them. Do you really want preferential treatment or your Denny’s Grand Slam to get to your table nice and hot? Do you deserve preferential treatment solely because you haven’t died yet? ---
**Author:** ![Chez\_Guevara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/aeb1de/32.png) [@Chez\_Guevara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chez_Guevara)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/5 "2006-12-29T14:44:49Z")
Who _really_ shot William McKinley? ---
**Author:** ![Liberal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/848f3c/32.png) [@Liberal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Liberal)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/6 "2006-12-29T14:51:03Z")
Do you have any shirtless photos of Andy Rooney? ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/7 "2006-12-29T15:01:48Z")
Do you have a cane, a walker, or are you spry enough to get along on your own? ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/8 "2006-12-29T15:03:15Z")
[QUOTE=Liberal] Do you have any shirtless photos of Andy Rooney? [/QUOTE] Photos have shirts? ---
**Author:** ![Liberal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/848f3c/32.png) [@Liberal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Liberal)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/9 "2006-12-29T15:04:44Z")
Did I misspell shitless? ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/10 "2006-12-29T15:30:48Z")
Dear cranky, I would be infamously pleased if you could assist me in a banking endeavour. You see, a close friend of mine recently died and left 10 million dollars to me. But, you see, the tax laws in Uganda would cause for me to pay more than half of those monies in taxes you see. So, to avoid excessive payment in taxes, I should endeavour to engage a trustworthy christian man in the State to simple deposit the money in US bank account, then transfer the money to me by off shore account in my name. Simple. And for your help, I will allocate the sum of $500,000, which I think is very generous for but a few hours of banking work on your part, to show my appreciation. Will you send me your bank account information so we can commence soonest as possible? Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/11 "2006-12-29T15:44:38Z")
[QUOTE=Nava] I have a couple youngsters here that need a-teachin’. Can I pack them over to your place? [/QUOTE] Pictures first, girl. Priorities! > [@LOUNE](#): > > So, how hard do those fifty dollar whores actually suck? I’ve heard long, mythical poems about them, some written by Longfellow, about their oral prowess. > > …What’s that smell? Did you crap yourself again? > > You know, there are more tactful ways of getting Betty, the Busty Coed Nurse over here to take care of ya. > > Also, what’s the deal with “respecting your elders”? Obviously, this saying was created by elders because it benefits them. Do you really want preferential treatment or your Denny’s Grand Slam to get to your table nice and hot? Do you deserve preferential treatment solely because you haven’t died yet? You’re a cheeky smartass, aren’t ya? Very well. - Son, if you have to ask, you can’t handle it. You know them fancy – whatchamacallem? – those vacuums, Dyson, those ones, they was based on these whores. They never lost suction, either. - Listen you, I got no time for your lip, now get me another Depends. - When you get to be my age, son, you don’t ask for Jell-O when you want to see a little wiggle, understand? - You’re damn straight I do! Do you have any idea how much willpower it takes to keep a body as old as this from turning to dust right there on the spot? Boy, if I could harness that kind of power like some superhero I’d zap the everlivin’ crap out of you like that guy in that movie, what was his name? Darth Nader. > [@Chez Guevara](#): > > Who really shot William McKinley? I did. Sick bastard kept getting the doctors to X-Ray his crotch at the expo. Someone had to put a stop to such obscenity! > [@Liberal](#): > > Do you have any shirtless photos of Andy Rooney? What the hell are you, some kind of sick pervert? Andy’s manboobs are no business of yours! But listen, I’ve got some great J. Edgar upskirts if you’re interested… > [@Winston Smith](#): > > Dear cranky, > > I would be infamously pleased if you could assist me in a banking endeavour. You see, a close friend of mine recently died and left 10 million dollars to me. But, you see, the tax laws in Uganda would cause for me to pay more than half of those monies in taxes you see. So, to avoid excessive payment in taxes, I should endeavour to engage a trustworthy christian man in the State to simple deposit the money in US bank account, then transfer the money to me by off shore account in my name. Simple. And for your help, I will allocate the sum of $500,000, which I think is very generous for but a few hours of banking work on your part, to show my appreciation. > > Will you send me your bank account information so we can commence soonest as possible? > > Thank you. What the hell do you think I am, new? Two million or no deal. I ain’t got time to deal in pocket change. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/12 "2006-12-29T15:47:44Z")
[QUOTE=Mindfield] What the hell do you think I am, new? Two million or no deal. I ain’t got time to deal in pocket change. [/QUOTE] Your counter-proposal is accept. Please forward you banking account numbers and social secure numbers to my accountannt and we will commence right away. God bless you, cranky old malcontent. I hope to put my new found wealth to the use of the Lord god, and praise you to do so to. Please send your banking account numebrs to my accountanct right away. ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/13 "2006-12-29T15:50:53Z")
If you sneeze, you do you lose control long enough for something to turn into dust? Maybe you should get an urn so you can put your continually-failing limbs in it so you can save the costs of burial. ---
**Author:** ![ElvisL1ves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5daacb/32.png) [@ElvisL1ves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElvisL1ves)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/14 "2006-12-29T15:53:28Z")
How did you feel about “Matlock” being cancelled? ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/15 "2006-12-29T15:57:10Z")
Poor old Cornelius. Y’all just need to go on out of here and leave the poor dear alone. Don’t they, sugar? Yes they do, yes they _do_! Just look at you getting all red in the face. I think it’s time you settled down and had a nice nap now, before your programs come on the _Tee_-vee. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/16 "2006-12-29T15:59:45Z")
Dear cranky old malcontent, My girlfriend says nobody buys the cow if they give the milk away for free. What the hell is she talking about? Also, can you recommend a good brand of moisturizing lotion? Thanks, Fretful teen ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/17 "2006-12-29T16:11:28Z")
Dear Cornelius, Segregation? What was that all about? Signed, Joe Bob Billy Bush III ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/18 "2006-12-29T16:20:40Z")
Dear Mr. Throneberry: I’d like to hear your views on one of the most important issues facing our aging population these days: **kids on lawns, and how to get them off.** Also: Are you now, or have you ever been, [T. Herman Zweibel](http://www.theonion.com)? Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Liberal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/848f3c/32.png) [@Liberal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Liberal)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/19 "2006-12-29T16:25:54Z")
Dear Cranky When do you think the War of Northern Aggression will end? And when will Atlanta be returned to her formy glory? (Also, who’s the greatest Confederate General aside from Omar Bradley? Signed, Granny Clampett […demurely batting her eyelids…] ---
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/20 "2006-12-29T16:40:46Z")
[QUOTE=Winston Smith] Your counter-proposal is accept. Please forward you banking account numbers and social secure numbers to my accountannt and we will commence right away. God bless you, cranky old malcontent. I hope to put my new found wealth to the use of the Lord god, and praise you to do so to. Please send your banking account numebrs to my accountanct right away. [/QUOTE] Not so fast, boy. You gots any daughters? > [@LOUNE](#): > > If you sneeze, you do you lose control long enough for something to turn into dust? Maybe you should get an urn so you can put your continually-failing limbs in it so you can save the costs of burial. I never lose control, son. _Never_. Will of wrought iron, balls of cold steel, that’s what they said about me in dubya-dubya-one. The Great War, they called it, you know. You have any idea how many Ottoman asses I kicked from one side o’ Turkey to t’other? Boy, if they had a Medal of Ass Whoopin’, I’d be so decorated I’d jingle when I walked! And I can still whoop your scrawny ass! Go ahead and try me! My boots still fit! Just let me put my cane aside… > [@ElvisL1ves](#): > > How did you feel about “Matlock” being cancelled? Matlock was a contentious fart. Now, the holy hell I raised when they cancelled _In the Heat of the Night_ went down in the annals of television history as The Day An Old Bastard Kicked Brandon Tartikoff’s Ass In. And I did, too. Left him with no glutes. Man had to use one o’ them inflatable donuts to sit down. Go ask him. Ask him, “Hey, how’s your ass, Brandon?” > [@Dung Beetle](#): > > Poor old Cornelius. Y’all just need to go on out of here and leave the poor dear alone. Don’t they, sugar? Yes they do, yes they do! Just look at you getting all red in the face. I think it’s time you settled down and had a nice nap now, before your programs come on the Tee-vee. Away wi’ ya, woman! I have no need of your ministrations! Begone! Get off my lawn! I can take care of myself perfectly well by my own self! I can kick your ass too, see if I don’t. > [@Winston Smith](#): > > Dear cranky old malcontent, > > My girlfriend says nobody buys the cow if they give the milk away for free. What the hell is she talking about? Also, can you recommend a good brand of moisturizing lotion? > > Thanks, > > Fretful teen You yongins, you know so little of the world. Billy, your little girlie friend there is a moron. Of course people still buy the cow if they get the milk for free! After a nice glass of milk you can kill and eat the cow for dinner! You know, back in dubya dubya one – the Great War, they called it – why we’d sneak right on to some Turk’s farm and steal us a cow. We’d take it back to base and cut 'er up and eat ‘er right there, raw, ‘cos that’s just the kinda men we were. And we didn’t use no girlie moisturizin’ lotions, neither! Gave you girl’s hands, that did! And we didn’t bathe for weeks on end, neither, there was just too much fightin’ to do. And damnit, we liked it that way! > [@LOUNE](#): > > Segregation? What was that all about? Separatin’ yer whites and yer colors when you do a wash. Ain’tcha never washed yer own clothes, son? Y’all are spoiled, that’s what’s wrong with the kids today! > [@Beware of Doug](#): > > I’d like to hear your views on one of the most important issues facing our aging population these days: kids on lawns, and how to get them off. > > Also: Are you now, or have you ever been, T. Herman Zweibel? 1. Rock salt. Rock salt and a double-aught. Learns 'em right quick. 2. Herman was my shoe-shine boy after the Great War. They called that dubya-dubya-one, you know. > [@Liberal](#): > > When do you think the War of Northern Aggression will end? And when will Atlanta be returned to her formy glory? (Also, who’s the greatest Confederate General aside from Omar Bradley? War of Northern Aggression? Son, them Canadians’ idea of war is cussin’ mildly at you. Ain’t no war. Dubya-dubya-one, now _that_ was a war. A Great War. Atlanta ain’t never gonna be the same. It’s been permanently sissified by them pansy northern folk. And Omar Bradley wouldn’t even be a footnote in history if it hadn’t been for my sage advice during the worst of it. I was his mentor. He looked to me for every little decision, even asked me when to piss. He knew, you see. He respected the fact that I could have kicked his ass up and down the Mason-Dixon. Smart man, he was. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983.md?page=2)