# Ask the cranky old malcontent **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 29, 2006, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983 "2006-12-29T14:30:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![UntouchedTakeaway](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/d78d45/32.png) [@UntouchedTakeaway](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UntouchedTakeaway)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/21 "2006-12-29T16:41:19Z")
[QUOTE=Mindfield] The following program is a work of fiction. Any similarities to real persons living or dead are purely coincidental. And your mother was a wildebeest. What’s wrong with you? Don’t you know who I am? My name is Cornelius P. Thornbotty, and I’m a hundred and goddamned eighteen years old! Not that I expect you to care or anything. All you lot give a damn about are your eye pods and your rap music and your Paris goddamn Hilton, whoever the holy hell she is. But you should care because I’m older than you and you filthy kids need to respect that and learn from your elders! You should, you know, and by Thor’s thunderous balls I’m gonna learn you a thing or two about a thing or two! Sit down, go on, park your pathetic behind in one of them there chairs and ask me something. Ask! Anything! I’ll tell you what life’s _really_ about, and I won’t sugar-coat it, neither. Just the way it is, the way you need to hear it, even if you won’t like it none because that’s the way things are, boy, and sometimes they suck harder’na fitty dollar whore, you hear me? You gonna ask me something or what? Eh? Yeah. Didn’t think so. Goddamn pansies. [/QUOTE] As you age, does it get more difficult to keep the goddam kids off your lawn? VCNJ~ ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/22 "2006-12-29T16:47:37Z")
Dear Mr. Cranky, What really happened to Judge Crater? ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/23 "2006-12-29T17:00:10Z")
Dear Cranky, I recently brought my automobile in to have the points cleaned, and that young whippersnapper at the garage told me that my automobile didn’t have points - that it has something called _sparkplugs_, or somthin’tuther. Well, I just walked right out, I tells ya. So. My bursitus really pains me when it’s cold and humid. Any advice? ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/24 "2006-12-29T17:05:00Z")
What’s your take on Japanese cars? ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/25 "2006-12-29T17:05:06Z")
[QUOTE=Mindfield] Away wi’ ya, woman! I have no need of your ministrations! Begone! Get off my lawn! I can take care of myself perfectly well by my own self! I can kick your ass too, see if I don’t. [/QUOTE] Oh, so you’re going to be silly now. I know you don’t mean a thing you say when you’ve gotten into this state. You shouldn’t let these old Dope-fiends get you all up in a lather. Come here and let me… :eek: What have you done with your _pants_? ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/26 "2006-12-29T17:09:57Z")
Dear Cornelius, What’s with these kids nowadays, anyhow? Signed, Augustus P. Rockerfeller ---
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/27 "2006-12-29T17:30:44Z")
[QUOTE=Veuve\_ClicquotNJ] As you age, does it get more difficult to keep the goddam kids off your lawn? [/QUOTE] Nope. Gets easier, in fact. You get old, you get wise and crafty and come up with ever more persuasive ways to keep the damn kids away. I got me some old surplus land mines installed now. Just let 'em try and tromp across now! > [@EddyTeddyFreddy](#): > > What really happened to Judge Crater? I et 'im. He was tough and gamey. > [@Winston Smith](#): > > I recently brought my automobile in to have the points cleaned, and that young whippersnapper at the garage told me that my automobile didn’t have points - that it has something called sparkplugs, or somthin’tuther. Well, I just walked right out, I tells ya. So. Listen to me. You stomp right back in there and you tell him to rip those damn plugs right out and put in a condenser and a set of points like God almighty himself intended automobiles to have. Those spark plugs are tools of the devil. Gap 'em incorrectly and they start electrocuting every damn person you pass! It’s Satan’s work! > [@Winston Smith](#): > > My bursitus really pains me when it’s cold and humid. Any advice? Ovaltine, and plenty of it. That stuff will cure cancer, but the government won’t tell you that, the commie bastards. > [@LOUNE](#): > > What’s your take on Japanese cars? If they aren’t good enough to be made on this continent they aren’t good enough period! Damn foreign junk. > [@Dung Beetle](#): > > Oh, so you’re going to be silly now. I know you don’t mean a thing you say when you’ve gotten into this state. You shouldn’t let these old Dope-fiends get you all up in a lather. Come here and let me… > > :eek: What have you done with your pants? You just hush up and let Daddy work his magic, little miss. Ol’ Cornelius knows how to cure what ail’s ya. > [@Winston Smith](#): > > What’s with these kids nowadays, anyhow? Lazy good-fer-nuthin’ spoiled layabouts. Take the belt to 'em, the whole lot, learn 'em some respect! Then put 'em in the military, get 'em some discipline, have 'em to right by their country! That’s the way you handle 'em. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/28 "2006-12-29T18:43:29Z")
One of my goals in life is to become a crotchety old man, though I suppose cranky would do the trick as well. Any tips on how I should go about reaching this goal? ---
**Author:** ![bbs2k](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e495f1/32.png) [@bbs2k](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bbs2k)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/29 "2006-12-29T18:47:33Z")
So, what kind of shotgun do you own anyways? I’m talking about the one I see you gripping while resting in your rocking chair on the front lawn. I’ve always wanted to ask, but… well… not even cats have evil eyes like yours. ---
**Author:** ![SSG\_Schwartz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SSG\_Schwartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SSG_Schwartz)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/30 "2006-12-29T19:03:08Z")
Dear Cranky old Malcontent, My son came home today with an ass shot full of rock salt. He said this cranky old guy did it when he went to get his ball off the old guy’s lawn. Any idea what kind of an inconsiderate bastard would do such a thing? What is the sound of one hand clapping? And finally, did you ever meet Moses in person? Thanks Sgt Schwartz ---
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/31 "2006-12-29T19:27:03Z")
[QUOTE=Antinor01] One of my goals in life is to become a crotchety old man, though I suppose cranky would do the trick as well. Any tips on how I should go about reaching this goal? [/QUOTE] First of all there’s an absolute truth you have to come to accept: The world has gone to hell because people who suck made it that way. Once you have come to accept it, make it a part of the every day truths you know deep down, it comes pretty easily. When you reach this point and then suddenly have the overwhelming urge to push that damned skateboard punk into oncoming traffic, you’re on your way! > [@bigbabysweets2000](#): > > So, what kind of shotgun do you own anyways? I’m talking about the one I see you gripping while resting in your rocking chair on the front lawn. I’ve always wanted to ask, but… well… not even cats have evil eyes like yours. That, my friend, is an O-riginal, mint-condition 1936 Winchester Model 70 bolt-action rifle, simply the finest gun ever made and don’t ever fergit it! And that’s not evil in my eyes. That’s _vigilance_. It’s a great dirty world we live in full of all kinds of scum. Ya gotta stay on alert if you wanna survive these days! > [@Sgt. Schwartz](#): > > Dear Cranky old Malcontent, > > My son came home today with an ass shot full of rock salt. He said this cranky old guy did it when he went to get his ball off the old guy’s lawn. Any idea what kind of an inconsiderate bastard would do such a thing? > > What is the sound of one hand clapping? > > And finally, did you ever meet Moses in person? Oh, another wise guy, thinks he’s clever, huh? I’ll learn ya! I’ll learn ya all! - If you’d keep that boy on a leash ‘steada lettin ‘im traipse all over m’damn lawn and ruinin’ my medicinal marijuana patches we wouldn’t be havin’ this conversation! Tie him up or leach 'im or whatever it is you do for discipline these days! - It’s the sound o’ my left hand cloutin’ your right ear, numbskull. - Moses? That Jewish bastard? He was too damn busy partin’ the red wine with his tongue and partying with the rich folk to give me the time of day. Goddamn uppity celebrities. You meet one God and you think you’re his best damn bud. Got news for ya, Mo! You were just his bellhop! ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/32 "2006-12-29T19:28:48Z")
[QUOTE=Mindfield] First of all there’s an absolute truth you have to come to accept: The world has gone to hell because people who suck made it that way. Once you have come to accept it, make it a part of the every day truths you know deep down, it comes pretty easily. When you reach this point and then suddenly have the overwhelming urge to push that damned skateboard punk into oncoming traffic, you’re on your way! [/QUOTE] Sweet! I think I must be on the right track then. Two of my basic precepts of life are that People Suck and People Are Stupid. Now just to work on pushing punks into traffic… ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/33 "2006-12-29T19:56:57Z")
Cranky, do you think that the recent heavily documented episode in which Britney Spears was found not to be wearing underpants in public is a sign of the decline of our civilization? How many times did you need to review the online video in order to reach your conclusion? Thank you kindly. ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/34 "2006-12-29T20:20:37Z")
Toilet water is mighty cold. I bet you know this better than most because your balls are making a nice nutsack tea in the toilet every time you sit on it. By the way, my frisbee is on your roof…I’ll just go grab the ladder and put it on the side of the house when you’re not looking and sneak up there… ---
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/35 "2006-12-29T20:48:02Z")
[QUOTE=Jackmannii] Cranky, do you think that the recent heavily documented episode in which Britney Spears was found not to be wearing underpants in public is a sign of the decline of our civilization? How many times did you need to review the online video in order to reach your conclusion? Thank you kindly. [/QUOTE] A sign of the decline? Son, civilization’s been heading straight down the shitter since we climbed down from the trees and opened up law offices. If Britney wants to go freeballin’ that’s her business. If you really want to go looking up people’s dresses I still have those Hoover pics… > [@LOUNE](#): > > Toilet water is mighty cold. I bet you know this better than most because your balls are making a nice nutsack tea in the toilet every time you sit on it. Haven’t you learned yet? For every problem there eventually comes [a solution](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LGz09DJTZpU). Believe you me it only takes once before you understand what needs to be done to put an end to a bad situation. > [@LOUNE](#): > > By the way, my frisbee is on your roof…I’ll just go grab the ladder and put it on the side of the house when you’re not looking and sneak up there… Good! Good. Gives me a chance to test my air defenses. And if you happen to get, um … _stuck_ … up there, you might as well make yourself useful and finish that patch of shingling I never got around to doing. ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/36 "2006-12-29T20:54:43Z")
Ha! Fooled you! When you were yelling at me, Jimmy from Next Door got up on the ladder and got the frisbee. ---
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/37 "2006-12-29T22:25:06Z")
[QUOTE=Least Original User Name Ever] Ha! Fooled you! When you were yelling at me, Jimmy from Next Door got up on the ladder and got the frisbee. [/QUOTE] Good. Soon the castor bean extract it was covered with will start working its magic. That’ll teach the little bastard to stay the hell out of my yard. ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2006, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/38 "2006-12-29T23:07:08Z")
Well, he wasn’t in your _yard_. ---
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2006, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/39 "2006-12-31T03:14:52Z")
[QUOTE=Least Original User Name Ever] Well, he wasn’t in your _yard_. [/QUOTE] He was on my _propery,_ dammit! Ya git on my _property_, ya git both barrels o’ my wrath! Damn kids. ---
**Author:** ![Starving\_Artist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aeb1de/32.png) [@Starving\_Artist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Starving_Artist)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2006, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983/40 "2006-12-31T03:40:08Z")
Where does the current go when it leaves the points and condenser? How do you shoot rock salt out of a shotgun that’s a rifle? (Man, I am _so_ gonna get it!) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-cranky-old-malcontent/385983.md?page=3)