# Ask the criminal mastermind about to take over the world **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 30, 2009, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684 "2009-10-30T01:47:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2009, 11:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/21 "2009-10-30T11:19:10Z")
> [@Uosdwis\_R.Dewoh](#): > > Shakes head, adds Smeghead to the list. I suppose it goes without saying that if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. ---
**Author:** ![tacoloco](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7993a0/32.png) [@tacoloco](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tacoloco)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2009, 11:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/22 "2009-10-30T11:25:07Z")
Do you have an apprentice program? I would like to enroll. If not, I would like to apply for the positing of henchman. I don’t have any experience, but I am a hard worker and willing to learn. ---
**Author:** ![Bookkeeper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bookkeeper/32/281_2.png) [@Bookkeeper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bookkeeper)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2009, 12:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/23 "2009-10-30T12:06:16Z")
I wish you well in your endeavours, and recommend the following evil overlord resources for your information: > **[So You've Decided to be Evil](https://evil-guide.tripod.com/)** > > A Step-by-Step Guide to joining the Forces of Darkness. [http://www.eviloverlord.com/](http://www.eviloverlord.com/) > **[VillainSource.com is for sale | HugeDomains](https://www.hugedomains.com/domain_profile.cfm?d=villainsource.com)** > > Get the premium .com domain you deserve. Seamless and professional transactions. Payment plans available. The last source is particularly useful if you haven’t settled on an evil lair, as yet. (Most lairs on offer are fully equipped with convenient, obvious self-destruct mechanisms.) ---
**Author:** ![Mollie\_Magill](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mollie_magill/32/20882_2.png) [@Mollie\_Magill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mollie_Magill)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2009, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/24 "2009-10-30T13:54:17Z")
Have you applied for your small business loan for your lair, yet? Take it from me, hollowing out a volcano can get pretty pricey quickly, and you’ll want to shop around for a good rate and terms. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2009, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/25 "2009-10-30T14:20:34Z")
Are you aware of the [effects of climate change](http://www.theonion.com/content/news/melting_ice_caps_expose_hundreds)? ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2009, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/26 "2009-10-30T16:11:18Z")
> [@Mollie\_Magill](#): > > Have you applied for your small business loan for your lair, yet? Take it from me, hollowing out a volcano can get pretty pricey quickly, and you’ll want to shop around for a good rate and terms. ACORN may be able to help out with this. ---
**Author:** ![Scuba\_Ben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Scuba\_Ben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scuba_Ben)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2009, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/27 "2009-10-30T17:16:09Z")
> [@Runs\_With\_Scissors](#): > > How is it possible for you to be so talented, sexy, strong, capable, AND able to take over the world? I want to see proof that **M,I,S!** has each of these qualities. > [@brujaja](#): > > Hey, do you have a gun moll/ sex kitten/ “poor deluded girl” yet? Cause I can do that! > … > Oh, wait, you’re a girl. Never mind. **brujaja** , in the current era there’s no need to lock into older gender-based roles. **M,I,S!** , do you have an opening for a gun dude? ---
**Author:** ![Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malleus_incus_stapes/32/3293_2.png) [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malleus_Incus_Stapes)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2009, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/28 "2009-10-30T17:36:35Z")
> [@Uosdwis\_R.Dewoh](#): > > Sigh. You’ll be like the… eight, no seventh criminal mastermind hellbent on conquering the world I’ve stopped so far. You see, I have a time machine. The moment you put your plan into motion, I’ll just pop back in time and kill your great grandfather. Why your great grandpa? In my experience, people from _the olden times_ are less likely to see me coming. I don’t exactly have a great grandpa. I’ve also got a time machine, and, well… it’s complicated, but I’m my own mother, grandmother, aunt, grandpa, daughter and uncle. Now _your_ ancestors, on the other hand, can easily catch a plague or get run over by a carriage. I’d be on my best behavior if I were you. > [@Jragon](#): > > You remembered never to trust your vizier right? Because if you got the “almost finished taking over the world” info from him it may be time for a new one. If you got it from a mook you should be safe though! My vizier is an autistic savant who likes to design weapons of mass destruction and pop bubble wrap. As long as he has bubble wrap he doesn’t care about anything else. > [@Smeghead](#): > > Have you developed an antidote for my master evil virus of doom?? Cause if not, your reign is going to be short-lived. No, but I’ve infected your secret lair. When you come up with an antidote, I’ll steal it from you. > [@Runs\_With\_Scissors](#): > > How is it possible for you to be so talented, sexy, strong, capable, AND able to take over the world? Because I’m me, baby! > [@brujaja](#): > > Hey, do you have a gun moll/ sex kitten/ “poor deluded girl” yet? Cause I can do that! > > \<…snip…\> > > Oh, wait, you’re a girl. Never mind. You can be deluded sex kitten to my Chief of the Henching Department, Robert. He’s a pretty good-looking man- got a stutter, but we can’t all be perfect (well, except me). He likes death metal and long walks on the beach during red tides. > [@Death\_of\_Rats](#): > > When you take over can I have Australia? Go ahead. I was planning on dismantling it for scrap anyway. Just watch out for those wombats, okay? Never trust a wombat; they’re always up to something. > [@Spoons](#): > > What’s the market like nowadays for lairs? You do have one, don’t you? All the best criminal minds have one, whether it’s undersea, underground, or in space. Where is yours? > > Do you have to bring in your own scientific equipment, or does it come with the lair? Or do you lease it from, oh, I don’t know, Evil Science Things R Us? How much does a hero-sized vat of liquid nitrogen cost? Is an escape pod included, or is it an optional extra? The lair industry has vastly improved in the last ten years. No longer do you have to worry about your built-in AI rebelling, or being pushed into your own acid vat by some wannabe James Bond. They’re got better climate control for volcano/Arctic lairs, extra-dimensional wormholes for easy travel, and booby-trapped ventilation ducts. Not to mention working particle colliders. (You want to know why the LHC isn’t working? Because we keep stealing the parts, that’s why!) _My_ lair, of course, is a top-of-the-line, all-options-included building. I’m not going to go into detail- what, you thought I was gonna describe my top-secret hideout on a public message board?- but let’s say that any intruders would have to be anaerobic, less than three microns wide, and immune to kittens to even get past the first level of security. My public throne room will be housed in an entirely separate building. There will be no secret tunnels leading to my bedroom; all my hyper-dimensional doorways will be portable, and carried on my person at all times. As for equipment, Evil Science Things R Us is pretty low-end. I personally get my monsters from Bob’s Abominations. I highly recommend Bob, if you’ve got the money. His evil beasts are all healthy, obedient, and your money back if they don’t kill anything in thirty days. The rest of my stuff mostly comes from Dark Mensa. Again, a bit pricey, but they’re well worth it. Dark Mensa mostly caters to criminal masterminds, but I see no reason why I can’t use them for Overlord purposes as well. Sufficient liquid nitrogen for hero removal generally costs upwards of 50k. > [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](#): > > Need any work done? Between the Iron Wolves and the Silent Ravens, my group can get \*anything \*done. As Master of the Pack and Flock, I feel that I should inform you of the existence of my organization, and all that we can you help with. > > You see, we are actually **two** shady mercenary organization in one; the Iron Wolves are warriors dedicated to assault and defense operations, trained in crushing the enemy, and the Silent Ravens are spies and saboteurs who specialize in getting in and out before the enemy realizes that something is wrong. Whatever your needs, be they subterfuge or outright war, we can be of assistance. For a price. > > As a Mastermind/Overlord you probably get offers like this all the time. I assure you that, while my organization charges more than most,we are well worth the price. After all, Captain Justice hired us to in a defensive role against the Nagresh invasion, and we did not stop untill the invaders were ankle deep in alien ichor, head first. After we were hired by Overmaster Angerfist, the Hall of Heroes was nothing but a smoking ruin. Of course, Angerfist betrayed us, deciding not to pay, and if you wish to speak to him, it can be arranged… I have his rotting head on a pike in my trophy hall. There he joins the illustrious company of Holy Roller, Sargent Murder, Radiation Man, Lord Deathcall, and Mister Indesructible\*, as well as others who have been our targets, or incurred out wrath. > > One last reminder: You are not the only one who can hire us. The Wolves and Ravens always survive the fight, while the same cannot be said of our foes. > > ::Vanishes, having teleported back to his throne room aboard the WRS Unfathamable:: > > \*Note: Mr. Indestructible is not dead, but has been cut into nine pieces. While his head resides in Regallag’s Trophy Hall (in perpetual agony), the other eight pieces have been encased in metal and spread all across Earth, and beyond. How do you feel about wombats? > [@ToeJam](#): > > Who started that one? Did he take over the world? There were bees involved. > Can I join HIS team? > Who’s got the better health insurance? > > Can I be the quizzical that constantly asks questions without really expanded the plot further but still gets to speak up all the time? “That one” has been erased from human memory, his ashes scattered into cold space and his childhood teddy bear incinerated. I suppose you could keep his howling shade company in the bowels of the infinite void, but I can’t really see a point. Naturally, those who follow me have better health insurance than those who don’t. Better health in general, if you know what I mean. Quizzicals are paid an extra fifteen dollars an hour, and have to wear lavender suits. > [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](#): > > I want Hawai’i. If Hawai’i has to be destroyed as part of the plan, then I want Vancouver Island. > Also, what am I supposed to do with Mr. Indestructible’s metal encased torso? It’s totally cluttering up the place. I will be using Hawaii as a base for my giant **Malleus** -themed amusement park. You may have Vancouver, but make sure you clean up after you’re done. As for Mr. Indestructible, send him this way and you will be richly rewarded. > [@EvilTOJ](#): > > So what kind of outfit are you going to wear when you’re crowned Evil Overlord? Is it something black, form fitting and latex-y, or are you going to go for the cleavage-heaving Space Silver? Also, remember NO CAPES! > > If you still need a lair, I know a guy who’s selling his skull volcano island/vacation home. Times are tough and he needs the money to pay off gambling debts. I’ve seen it, it’s nice. All hardwood floors throughout, updated kitchens, and an acid pit with an unnecessarily slow winching system above it. The acid pit room has all kinds of rainbow colors painted on the walls and ceiling. > > Uhm, if you don’t want Katy Perry, I’ll take her as long as I get Zooey Deshandel as well. Something blue. With feathers. And gold lame. And ankle bracelets. My pet seamstress is still lining up the sequins around the waist, so I can’t tell you what it will look like just yet. While I already have a lair, your skull volcano sounds like just the thing for Robert the Hench to live in. Does it have room for a tank of acid-breathing sharks? You can have what’s left of Katy. I’m afraid she might lose as much as 93% of her mental function by the time I’m done with her. Though probably no one will notice. > [@tacoloco](#): > > Do you have an apprentice program? I would like to enroll. > > If not, I would like to apply for the positing of henchman. I don’t have any experience, but I am a hard worker and willing to learn. See Robert around the back. He’ll give you your instructions. > [@Bookkeeper](#): > > I wish you well in your endeavours, and recommend the following evil overlord resources for your information: > > [http://evil-guide.tripod.com/](http://evil-guide.tripod.com/) > [http://www.eviloverlord.com/](http://www.eviloverlord.com/) > [http://www.villainsource.com/](http://www.villainsource.com/) > > The last source is particularly useful if you haven’t settled on an evil lair, as yet. (Most lairs on offer are fully equipped with convenient, obvious self-destruct mechanisms.) Would you like to be the Face of Evil? I need someone to do public appearances which will strike fear into the hearts of a miserable populace. I think you may be the one I’m looking for. > [@Mollie\_Magill](#): > > Have you applied for your small business loan for your lair, yet? Take it from me, hollowing out a volcano can get pretty pricey quickly, and you’ll want to shop around for a good rate and terms. The benefit to starting out as an ordinary criminal is that- how should I put this- I can acquire sufficient money without having to go through all the hassle of comparitive interest. > [@Sunspace](#): > > Are you aware of the [effects of climate change](http://www.theonion.com/content/news/melting_ice_caps_expose_hundreds)? I know. All my old enemies, sitting there exposed, wondering what to do? Isn’t that funny? I’m not sure whether to destroy them, or leave them as a form of public amusement. ---
**Author:** ![Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malleus_incus_stapes/32/3293_2.png) [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malleus_Incus_Stapes)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2009, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/29 "2009-10-30T17:37:48Z")
> [@Scuba\_Ben](#): > > I want to see proof that **M,I,S!** has each of these qualities. > > **brujaja** , in the current era there’s no need to lock into older gender-based roles. > > **M,I,S!** , do you have an opening for a gun dude? After publicly doubting my perfection? I’d be heading real fast to another galaxy if I were you. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2009, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/30 "2009-10-30T19:12:31Z")
> [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](#): > > Something blue. With feathers. And gold lame. And ankle bracelets. My pet seamstress is still lining up the sequins around the waist, so I can’t tell you what it will look like just yet. May I offer [a suggestion](http://www.coveralia.com/caratulas/Maria-Jimenez-Donde-Mas-Duele-(Canta-Por-Sabina)-Frontal.php)? To be modified appropriately, of course… ---
**Author:** ![garygnu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/garygnu/32/2924_2.png) [@garygnu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/garygnu)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2009, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/31 "2009-10-30T19:14:30Z")
Have you posted an ad on Craiglist looking for an arch-nemesis, yet? ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2009, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/32 "2009-10-30T19:18:34Z")
> [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](#): > > No, but I’ve infected your secret lair. When you come up with an antidote, I’ll steal it from you. Fool. I knew you found that lair. You were SUPPOSED to find _that_ one. You’ve played right into my hands. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2009, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/33 "2009-10-30T19:19:56Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > May I offer [a suggestion](http://www.coveralia.com/caratulas/Maria-Jimenez-Donde-Mas-Duele-(Canta-Por-Sabina)-Frontal.php)? To be modified appropriately, of course… The thing about peacocks is, they look beautiful, but they sound horrid. “Grawwk!” Also, they’re male. ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2009, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/34 "2009-10-30T19:32:27Z")
Can we see your birth certificate? ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2009, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/35 "2009-10-30T19:33:00Z")
Do you have a lot of henchmen? As an Intergalactic Gladiator, I love [beating up henchmen](http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_wYqnoC0R_pw/SWOs3JAKsTI/AAAAAAAADbk/U-llcrwk-EE/s1600-h/henched1.jpg). ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2009, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/36 "2009-10-30T19:34:24Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > The thing about peacocks is, they look beautiful, but they sound horrid. “Grawwk!” Also, they’re male. You know what a female peacock is called, right? A peahen. What, you didn’t think I was going to say something else, did you? ---
**Author:** ![Scuba\_Ben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Scuba\_Ben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scuba_Ben)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2009, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/37 "2009-10-30T20:20:58Z")
> [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](#): > > After publicly doubting my perfection? I’d be heading real fast to another galaxy if I were you. Every Evil Overlord _claims_ to be talented, sexy, strong, capable, and world-domination class. But in the end, only one Evil Overlord will have all of these qualities. The others get captured by Heroes or squashed by a superior Evil Overlord. I just want to make sure I’m signing up for the superior-est Evil Overlord. ---
**Author:** ![Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malleus_incus_stapes/32/3293_2.png) [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malleus_Incus_Stapes)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2009, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/38 "2009-10-30T20:48:21Z")
> [@Smeghead](#): > > Fool. I knew you found that lair. You were SUPPOSED to find _that_ one. You’ve played right into my hands. No, not that one. The REAL secret lair. > [@pravnik](#): > > Can we see your birth certificate? Nope. Neener neener neener. > [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](#): > > Do you have a lot of henchmen? > > As an Intergalactic Gladiator, I love [beating up henchmen](http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_wYqnoC0R_pw/SWOs3JAKsTI/AAAAAAAADbk/U-llcrwk-EE/s1600-h/henched1.jpg). Feel free. What does not kill them makes them stronger. What does kill them- well, they wouldn’t have been up to my henching standards anyway. I can always get more from Mooks-A-Million. > [@Scuba\_Ben](#): > > Every Evil Overlord _claims_ to be talented, sexy, strong, capable, and world-domination class. But in the end, only one Evil Overlord will have all of these qualities. The others get captured by Heroes or squashed by a superior Evil Overlord. > > I just want to make sure I’m signing up for the superior-est Evil Overlord. Tremble before me, worm! I know the third word that ends in -gry, AND what happens when a plane tries to take off from a treadmill! Muhahahahaha! ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2009, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/39 "2009-10-30T21:03:32Z")
Do you believe you were born a criminal mastermind about to take over the world, or was being a a criminal mastermind about to take over the world a choice you made? Also, how is babby formed? How girl get pragnent? ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2009, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/40 "2009-10-30T22:24:18Z")
Um. Vancouver Island - That’s where the surf is. Vancouver is a drizzling land of hip coffee elitists. I currently live there, and to take it over would just generate…[del]casualties[/del]…[del]feet washing up on the beach[/del]…trouble. By the way, this metal covered torso is costing the earth to mail. It’s like totally covered in stamps now. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684.md?page=3)