# Ask the criminal mastermind about to take over the world **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 30, 2009, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684 "2009-10-30T01:47:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![brujaja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@brujaja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brujaja)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2009, 7:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/61 "2009-11-01T07:06:42Z")
You remember that old Far Side cartoon of a guy getting dressed with a huge sign on his wall saying, “PANTS FIRST THEN SHOES” ? Well, for supervillians it’s: “KILL HERO THEN GLOAT” !!! Apparently you’re the only one to ever get it right. By the way, the preferred term these days is, “henchwench.” (and, I don’t know, “mokebloke”?) ---
**Author:** ![Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malleus_incus_stapes/32/3293_2.png) [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malleus_Incus_Stapes)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2009, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/62 "2009-11-01T15:34:19Z")
> [@blondebear](#): > > Once you complete your takeover, where exactly will your headquarters be? > > And can I come visit sometime? I’m thinking a floating island with outboard motors for my public HQ and throne room. **Sunspace** , do you do open-air climate control? I’d like my island to be tropical wherever I go. Visitors bearing sufficient tribute are always welcome. If you have to ask if the tribute is sufficient, it’s not. > [@drachillix](#): > > I’m Chris from HR, you called for a heartless soul crusher? Great. You and **Bookkeeper** can go wrestle in the radioactive scorpian pit, and whoever comes out alive gets the job. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2009, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/63 "2009-11-01T16:00:51Z")
> [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](#): > > I’m thinking a floating island with outboard motors for my public HQ and throne room. **Sunspace** , do you do open-air climate control? I’d like my island to be tropical wherever I go. Not a problem. One method is to place tubes at about a hundred-metre depth a few kilometres out from your beaches. The tubes shoot a barrier of hot water upward and slightly inward towards your beaches, forming a curtain within the sea. This isolates your tropical shore from the surrounding arctic waters. Similarly, tubes lying on the water surface shoot a curtain of warm air into the sky to isolate your island’s warm breezes from the bitter cold arctic blasts. Believe me, finding enough heat is not a problem! We have even maintained a lava moat for another client using similar techniques. ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2009, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/64 "2009-11-01T16:05:27Z")
> [@salinqmind](#): > > Are you going to be one of those Talking Villains Roger Ebert has mentioned? Where you have the hero at gunpoint and instead of dispatching him immediately, you laugh, sneer, explain your motives, goals, hopes, wishes, and fears? Because that will just give him time to come up with some plan of action, escape, and/or blow up your fortress, with your minions running around like ants from an anthill. Just to add, you may want to give your gourmet chef and his or her staff a holiday while any Heroes are around. Criminal masterminds intent on world domination seem to have this nasty habit of hosting the hero to a superb seven-course meal, during which they explain everything. It would seem to me that no gourmet chef = no gourmet meal = no temptation to tell all to the hero during dinner. Of course, as a mastermind, you knew this already, **MIS!** , and I’m sure that when a hero comes calling, you’ll make sure to give your chef the night off. But I’m wondering what you do at such times. Phone for pizza or Chinese? Nuke a Swanson dinner? Leftovers? ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2009, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/65 "2009-11-01T16:10:27Z")
One would suspect nuking would be involved… this is a criminal mastermind we’re speaking about, after all… ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2009, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/66 "2009-11-01T16:30:34Z")
> [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](#): > > Great. You and **Bookkeeper** can go wrestle in the radioactive scorpian pit, and whoever comes out alive gets the job. Wouldn’t be the first radioactive scorpion I have fucked… ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2009, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/67 "2009-11-01T16:30:54Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > One would suspect nuking would be involved… this is a criminal mastermind we’re speaking about, after all… Well, yes, but I I take your meaning correctly, it would seem to be awfully inefficient to explode a nuclear weapon in order to heat up a frozen dinner. Though I suppose if the frozen dinner was to be put in front of a microwave relay with enough output wattage (I’d imagine a criminal mastermind would have plenty of these in order to keep in touch with all henchfolk, minions, lackeys, and toadies around the world), it would heat up pretty quickly. That reminds me; I have another question for **MIS!** : Could you please explain about minions, lackeys, and toadies; their similarities and differences; and the pros and cons of each? And could you illustrate with examples? And could you do it by Friday? (Note, this is not homework.) ---
**Author:** ![Bookkeeper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bookkeeper/32/281_2.png) [@Bookkeeper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bookkeeper)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2009, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/68 "2009-11-06T19:28:06Z")
> [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](#): > > Great. You and **Bookkeeper** can go wrestle in the radioactive scorpian pit, and whoever comes out alive gets the job. Sorry, I don’t do radioactive scorpions. Allergies, you know. I do have extensive experience in maintaining two, or even three, sets of books, however (modestly pointing to username). No reason to take any chances with the IRS, even for world-dominating criminal masterminds. Many’s the evil genius who has been brought low by overlooking proper tax categorizing of minion allowances and benefits, lair maintenance and repairs, and period-end accrued bribe expenses. Those IRS bastards are worse than any number of leagues of superheroes! ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2009, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/69 "2009-11-06T20:19:22Z")
> [@Bookkeeper](#): > > Those IRS bastards are worse than any number of leagues of superheroes! So are you saying that they are more evil, or less evil? ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2009, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/70 "2009-11-06T20:25:15Z")
> [@Spoons](#): > > Well, yes, but I I take your meaning correctly, it would seem to be awfully inefficient to explode a nuclear weapon in order to heat up a frozen dinner. Depends on the size of the nuke, and the size of the frozen dinner. 🙂 You could mount a sub-kilotonne radiation-enhanced nuke in the centre of a cave, and pack 50,000 Swanson’s Frozen Dinners around it (leaving space immediately around the nuke to allow for expansion). One push of a button, and they’re all heated! Much haster than even assembly-line techniques when you have a _lot_ of minions to feed. And hey. Crawing into a radioactive cave to retrieve dinner? That’s what minions are _for_. ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2009, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/71 "2009-11-06T20:36:30Z")
> [@Uosdwis\_R.Dewoh](#): > > I expect nothing less. I’m talking about the well established rules in arch-villainy. No tearing down the fabric of the universe. No destroying the Earth out of spite. It’s okay to want to destroy life on Earth to make way for your superior beings, but doing it just because you lost, that’s just petty. What about destroying the Earth because it might look cool, or to see what would happen? ---
**Author:** ![Jolly\_Roger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/91b2a8/32.png) [@Jolly\_Roger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jolly_Roger)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2009, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/72 "2009-11-06T21:30:03Z")
> [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](#): > > You guys are into welcoming new overlords, right? Because I’d really hate to have to vaporize the SDMB with my 1920’s style “death ray”. > > I used to be a fairly typical criminal genius. You know, robbing Fort Knox, holding tabloid stars hostage, infecting the entire Internet with the DEVOUR virus (yes, that was me)- that sort of thing. But the long arm of the law is getting to be a bit tiresome. These days, I can’t even steal the Mona Lisa without fifteen men in black following me around. So, naturally, the next logical step would be to create my own legal system, one that takes into account the most important factor- me. I suppose I could just take over one country, but I think that would really lack ambition. So I’m conquering the world. > > I’ve got almost everything ready. My fire-breathing space lizards are all in place. My hypnotist is meeting with the President of Guatemala as we speak. I’m having some technical difficulties connecting the wires to Katy Perry’s scalp, but after inflicting “I Kissed A Girl And I Won’t Shut Up About I-I-I-I-t” on humanity, she doesn’t really deserve anesthesia. And my pet seamstress is finally finished with the new uniforms for my thugs. Er, henchmen. Hench_people_. I’ve heard that People In The Henching Profession have an even higher mortality rate than thugs (and let me tell ya, I go through the thugs quick enough), but no Evil Overlord worth her maniacal laughter would call her assorted minions “thugs”. There’s a thought: would minions last longer? I may have to think about this. > > I’ve got to go find that guy who wrote the Evil Overlord List and make him my chief advisor. You guys can be my penultimate advisers, along with my obligatory Evil Cats. (Well, Evil Cat. [Tikva](http://www.flickr.com/photos/9624983@N05/2437087215/)’s more suited for sitting around being fluffy than rubbing her paws together and plotting. [Mystery](http://www.flickr.com/photos/9624983@N05/3669228025/), on the other hand…) In my post-takeover world, everyone shall bring pie, and the streets will flow with bacon salt. Pet owners will be required to show pictures to anyone who asks, or face stiff penalties. (Kitten owners who won’t show get the chair). I will build a gold statue of Cecil Adams in what used to be Chicago, and residents will be made to bow to it every day. > > Where was I? Oh, yes. I know the Dope loves “Ask The…” threads, so feel free to ask about my life of crime and the new world order. There can be only one. Don’t stray down any dark alleys or unlit streets. I’ll be waiting with my claymore. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Uosdwis\_R.Dewoh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Uosdwis\_R.Dewoh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uosdwis_R.Dewoh)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2009, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/73 "2009-11-07T19:56:08Z")
> [@Anne\_Neville](#): > > What about destroying the Earth because it might look cool, or to see what would happen? That’s more of mad scientist thing, which is a bit outside my area of expertise. Consult your local chapter of EUEPDETBTAVE (_Evil Union of Evil People Doing Evil Things Because They Are Very Evil_). Remember, not all arch-villains are mad scientists, and not all mad scientists are arch-villains. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2009, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/74 "2009-11-08T00:15:51Z")
Are you planning any mass executions? And, if so, do you have any plans for the corpses? 'Cause I can [take them off your hands](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=11748504) for you. ---
**Author:** ![Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malleus_incus_stapes/32/3293_2.png) [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malleus_Incus_Stapes)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2009, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684/75 "2009-11-08T02:36:07Z")
> [@Anne\_Neville](#): > > What about destroying the Earth because it might look cool, or to see what would happen? Don’t be silly, that’s what Jupiter is for. > [@](#): > > Are you planning any mass executions? And, if so, do you have any plans for the corpses? 'Cause I can take them off your hands for you. Tell you what- I’ll give you your zombies to play with if you use them to keep those wombats under control. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-criminal-mastermind-about-to-take-over-the-world/515684.md?page=3)