# Ask the Evil Overlord **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 11, 2000, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-overlord/25246 "2000-07-11T21:35:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2000, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-overlord/25246/21 "2000-07-12T04:56:03Z")
Have you ever written your name on the moon using a big-ass laser? Do you need to get a permit for that? Or to use a big-ass laser in general? How about other superweapons? ---
**Author:** ![ArkonDLoC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a8b319/32.png) [@ArkonDLoC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArkonDLoC)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2000, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-overlord/25246/22 "2000-07-12T12:36:21Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bluepony \* > \*\*Are you responsible for the incredibly awful marksmanship training given to all Imperial Stormtroopers, evil James Bond villain minions, and Wile E. Coyote? Why does hi-tech seldom equate to competance? \*\* No, my minions always undergo intense firearms training. These guys can shot a penny throw by someone a mile away, and they STILL miss the heroes. I am begining to believe that heroes have inhuman luck. ---
**Author:** ![ArkonDLoC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a8b319/32.png) [@ArkonDLoC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArkonDLoC)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2000, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-overlord/25246/23 "2000-07-12T12:40:16Z")
As you can see at night, I have never vandalized the moon. I doubt there’s a permit involved in that, you just need a big laser and an army to fend off the hero. I don’t know about other superweapons, but soon everyone will know if it’s possible with a giant robot operated chainsaw. ---
**Author:** ![mrblue92](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@mrblue92](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mrblue92)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2000, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-overlord/25246/24 "2000-07-12T13:56:57Z")
As I’m sure you realize, the life-expectancy of super-villians is rather short once a hero is alerted to one’s diabolic plans. My questions are: 1. Is it better to be proactive and strike the hero down before he is alerted to your plans? I would guess not since this inevitably fails and the hero is simply alerted by the attempted elimination. Or the hero is resurrected with powerful bionic additions. Or his more powerful son becomes vengeful. Wouldn’t it be a better tactic to not allow movie cameras in your inner sanctum? 2. In the event that the hero prevails, what are the most fool-proof methods to fake my own death so the hero will be lulled into a false sense of victory? 3. Since even my most trusted lieutenants are vulnerable to the charms of the beautiful heroine, what methods do you recommend to negate this problem? While vasectomies are effective, they tend to remove the aggressive instincts that made my minions valuable in the first place, and desertions become commonplace when the word gets out. 4. As heroes tend to be the leading cause of death for super-villians, is it possible to avoid them altogether? Again, the idea of preventing filmmakers from documenting every move you make seems like a good idea. ---
**Author:** ![ArkonDLoC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a8b319/32.png) [@ArkonDLoC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArkonDLoC)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2000, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-overlord/25246/25 "2000-07-12T14:31:59Z")
A common failing of supervillains is the practice of filming ones plans for posterity- President Nixon had the same problem. Now while somethings have to be recorded (weapons tests, experiments, motivational speeches), it is wise to keep them at an absolute minimum and periodically destroy security videos. As to your other comments: 1. Remember that the hero’s ignorance is your friend, make sure he knows as little as possible. I you feel he MUST die make it look like someone else’s work, it’s useful to keep track of the competition for this purpose. 2. Clones and surgically altered minions are useful, but DNA tests may be performed on minions, and clones can be a hassle because they are as cunning and egotistical as you are. Magic also leaves much to be desired in this regard. The most effective method is to leave a lifeless clone and stay out of sight for a couple of years. 3. I believe you are confusing vasectomies with nutering. The best precaution here is to ensure that your henchmen have self-control. Teach them disipline and you will have less to worry about. Another method is to give your minions a good brainwashing, and make sure they have someone to meet their needs. 4. Always do your best to avoid heroes, but prepare for their inevitable discovery of your plot. Keep the heroes off your back by giving them false clues and framing your rivals for the deaths of their loved ones. Once you are discovered strike hard, fast, and never give them time to rest. Killing them from sheer exausion is still winning. The only tape I ever made of a plan was made solely for the hero to see, I need him to hear certain lies on the tape as a blow against his sanity. Lies and misinformation can be one of your most useful tools. ---
**Author:** ![mrblue92](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@mrblue92](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mrblue92)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2000, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-overlord/25246/26 "2000-07-12T19:52:15Z")
> [@](#): > > I believe you are confusing vasectomies with nutering. Heh… I did’t, but I just checked, and and it appears my sadistic torturer/doctor did. (sigh) It’s hard to find evil help these days. Oh, something else that came up today… How do prevent the hero from disarming your nuclear weapon with seconds to spare? I’m thinking of making it go off when the timer hits 3:52, or just some random time. (Zero has been done to death, don’t you think?) ---
**Author:** ![mrblue92](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@mrblue92](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mrblue92)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2000, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-overlord/25246/27 "2000-07-12T19:54:23Z")
> [@](#): > > I did’t, but I just checked, and and … Sorry; hard to dictate over all that screaming… ---
**Author:** ![ArkonDLoC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a8b319/32.png) [@ArkonDLoC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArkonDLoC)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2000, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-overlord/25246/28 "2000-07-12T20:00:52Z")
I always program my bombs to explode with at least an hour remaining on the timer, often much more. Recently I’ve started using such bizarre countdown displays that only I understand them. A benifit of this is thet even if the hero wins I’m whittling away his sanity. ---
**Author:** ![struuter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9e5f3/32.png) [@struuter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/struuter)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2000, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-overlord/25246/29 "2000-07-12T20:48:07Z")
Are you the type of villian who: 1. tortures helpless animals as a show if your innate soul-less evil? or 2. displays what little shred of humanity you possess by being gentle and affectionate to helpless animals–thereby intimating that you respect animal more than human life? Also, what kind of magazines do evil overlords read? Do you like a specific cologne, if any? (Just for holiday gift ideas, you know) struuter ---
**Author:** ![ArkonDLoC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a8b319/32.png) [@ArkonDLoC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArkonDLoC)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2000, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-overlord/25246/30 "2000-07-12T20:55:43Z")
I’m much closer to two; animals are just so cute :). I guess you could say I respect animals over humans, but I still eat beef. As for magazines my favorites are Dragon and Popular Science. I really don’t care for any specific cologne. ---
**Author:** ![Missy2U](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3bc359/32.png) [@Missy2U](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Missy2U)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2000, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-overlord/25246/31 "2000-07-12T21:00:26Z")
Are your computer systems secure? I mean, after watching that movie where the evil aliens computers and plans to conquer earth were disabled by using a PowerMac and a virus, I would hate to think that your plans could all go awry over something silly like the ILOVEYOU virus. Are you currently looking for help? I am in the market for a new position, and, having been a lackey in the past, am well suited to a minion position. What is the pay scale, and do you provide benefits? ---
**Author:** ![ArkonDLoC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a8b319/32.png) [@ArkonDLoC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArkonDLoC)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2000, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-overlord/25246/32 "2000-07-13T00:15:30Z")
My computers are protected by sophisticated anti-virus programs and bound spirits. Moreover, all of my minions are well educated in how to avoid viruses and data is backed-up frequently, so I have no concerns about my computers. I am not currently looking for minions, but soon I will need administrative positions filled around the world. The pay is good, and I offer Health and Dental plans, Apprenticeships, insurance to care for family if anything happens, and your choice of 401k or undead retirement plans. ---
**Author:** ![dpr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8797f3/32.png) [@dpr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dpr)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2000, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-overlord/25246/33 "2000-07-13T00:51:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by mrblue92 \* > \*\*3. Since even my most trusted lieutenants are vulnerable to the charms of the beautiful heroine, what methods do you recommend to negate this problem? While vasectomies are effective, they tend to remove the aggressive instincts that made my minions valuable in the first place, and desertions become commonplace when the word gets out. > \*\* um… how about only recruiting evil lieutenants who have thing for necrophilia? That could ensure you both get what you want… ---
**Author:** ![ArkonDLoC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a8b319/32.png) [@ArkonDLoC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArkonDLoC)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2000, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-overlord/25246/34 "2000-07-13T00:56:32Z")
True, but that rather significantly limits your options. And I don’t want to think about what they’re doing to my Zombies. ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2000, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-overlord/25246/35 "2000-07-13T01:13:09Z")
I’m curious about your post-World Conquest agenda. Once you’ve conquered the planet and become god-emperor of the human race, what exactly did you have planned? I’m sure there’ll be the usual secret police/death squads to keep order, the diamond encrusted gold palace for you to live in, and the thousand-foot high statues of you in all major urban centers to gaze down (benevelently of course) at us. But beyond that? For example, will you deal with overpopulation by a massive campaign of genocide? If so, is there anything I can do to make the cut? Will the greedy capitalists who currently support the Republican party be in your pocket, or will you establish a quasi-feudal system of empowering your main lieutenants as barons? Will donations to your temples be tax-deductable? And finally, what will be the proper title to address you by? Something short and simple, like “The Boss”? ---
**Author:** ![Amok](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f17d59/32.png) [@Amok](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amok)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2000, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-overlord/25246/36 "2000-07-13T03:00:14Z")
Boxers or briefs? If you could be a tree, what kind of tree would you be? Where do you go to meet Evil Overladies? At what age did you realize that you are a necromancer (not that there’s anything wrong with that)? Are these questions improving or worsening my chances of surviving once you take over? Jesse or James? What is the Farsi word for “bread”? Dubya or The Wooden Man? Favorite color? Preferred method of execution? Guess my weight? Now or later? Who will be the first person to go under your new regime? What historic Evil Overlord do you admire the most and why? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Are any of my questions humorous? How many roads must a man walk down before we’ll call him a man? Are you still abusing your wife? Elian: Bake or Boil? Will your one world government have an official religion? Language? Motto? Bird? Clown? How much does the Henchman position pay? And would I have to call you “Master”? Any final thoughts? Abortion: good or bad? Favorite snack food? SMDB poster most likely to have a knock on his (or her) door during the night once you’re in power? Why are thugs always jack-booted? Inspirantional advice for Apprentice Evil Overlords? What am I doing right now? How about now? When’s the next lunar eclipse? Any final final thoughts? If you were stranded on a desert island with only one cave painting for entertainment, which cave painting would it be? ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2000, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-overlord/25246/37 "2000-07-13T04:36:18Z")
Do superheroes/heroines and supervillians/villianesses get their suits from the same suppliers? How come superheroines are more likely to be sidekicks or knockoffs than villainesses are (e.g. Supergirl, Batgirl)? Why did I originally typo Batgirl as “Bargirl”? ---
**Author:** ![nashiitashii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/7c8e57/32.png) [@nashiitashii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nashiitashii)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2000, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-overlord/25246/38 "2000-07-13T05:05:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Amok \* > \*\* > How many roads must a man walk down before we’ll call him a man? > \*\* 42 Now to my question: let’s say I wanted to join the ranks of the female assassins. Where do I sign up? Is there a fee? Any physical requirements besides being a female? ---
**Author:** ![ArkonDLoC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a8b319/32.png) [@ArkonDLoC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArkonDLoC)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2000, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-overlord/25246/39 "2000-07-13T15:51:25Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Lumpy \* > \*\*I’m curious about your post-World Conquest agenda. Once you’ve conquered the planet and become god-emperor of the human race, what exactly did you have planned? I’m sure there’ll be the usual secret police/death squads to keep order, the diamond encrusted gold palace for you to live in, and the thousand-foot high statues of you in all major urban centers to gaze down (benevelently of course) at us. But beyond that? > > For example, will you deal with overpopulation by a massive campaign of genocide? If so, is there anything I can do to make the cut? \*\* I intend to start with reeducation, establishment of temples, a few brutal examples, and literacy programs. As for the matter of overpopulation, my solution is quite simple: Establish colonies on other worlds. > [@](#): > > \*\* > Will the greedy capitalists who currently support the Republican party be in your pocket, or will you establish a quasi-feudal system of empowering your main lieutenants as barons? Will donations to your temples be tax-deductable? > And finally, what will be the proper title to address you by? Something short and simple, like “The Boss”? > \*\* Dispite its reputation I am a fan of feudalism, so my system will be based on it. Charitable and religious donations will, of course be tax deductable. My title will remain unchanged: Dark Lord. ---
**Author:** ![ArkonDLoC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a8b319/32.png) [@ArkonDLoC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArkonDLoC)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2000, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-overlord/25246/40 "2000-07-13T16:43:38Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Amok \* > \*\*Boxers or briefs? \*\* Boxers. > [@](#): > > \*\*If you could be a tree, what kind of tree would you be? \*\* An apple tree, so I could drop apples on people. > [@](#): > > \*\*Where do you go to meet Evil Overladies? \*\* Dungeons and Dragons games. > [@](#): > > \*\*At what age did you realize that you are a necromancer (not that there’s anything wrong with that)? \*\* When I first made a corpse crawl from its grave to tear apart my foes. > [@](#): > > \*\*Are these questions improving or worsening my chances of surviving once you take over? \*\* What do you think? > [@](#): > > \*\*Jesse or James? \*\* Jesse. Team Rocket would be even more pathertic without her. > [@](#): > > \*\*What is the Farsi word for “bread”? \*\* Try the ‘Ask the Linguist’ Thread. > [@](#): > > \*\*Dubya or The Wooden Man? \*\* The Wooden Man. > [@](#): > > \*\*Favorite color? \*\* Red. > [@](#): > > \*\*Preferred method of execution? \*\* The Guilluotine. Simple, practical, effecient, and gruesome. > [@](#): > > \*\*Guess my weight? \*\* No. > [@](#): > > \*\*Now or later? \*\* What do you think? > [@](#): > > \*\*Who will be the first person to go under your new regime? \*\* Al Gore. His legions of Terror are more than I’d care to face. > [@](#): > > \*\*What historic Evil Overlord do you admire the most and why? \*\* Alexander the Third; better known as Alexander the Great. He was a brilliant general, scout, warrior, scientist and philosipher. > [@](#): > > \*\*Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? \*\* Ask your father. > [@](#): > > \*\*Are any of my questions humorous? \*\* You’re still alive, aren’t you? > [@](#): > > \*\*How many roads must a man walk down before we’ll call him a man? \*\* It depends on the roads. > [@](#): > > \*\*Are you still abusing your wife? \*\* I’ve never been married, and I personally detest people who abuse their spouses. > [@](#): > > \*\*Elian: Bake or Boil? \*\* Boil. > [@](#): > > \*\*Will your one world government have an official religion? Language? Motto? Bird? Clown? \*\* No official religion, I am starting one but I’m not going to fight the ones that are out there. An official language will be done, but slowly. The official motto is planned, but I can’t reveal it here or the Hero might read it. My official bird is the Raven. Official clown? Hmmm… Make me laugh and you will escape the purging. > [@](#): > > \*\*How much does the Henchman position pay? And would I have to call you “Master”? \*\* The pay is good, and yes, you would have to call me Master. > [@](#): > > \*\*Any final thoughts? \*\* Why are there questions after this? > [@](#): > > \*\*Abortion: good or bad? \*\* I’m staying out of this debate. > [@](#): > > \*\*Favorite snack food? \*\* Chips. > [@](#): > > \*\*SMDB poster most likely to have a knock on his (or her) door during the night once you’re in power? \*\* That would ruin the suprize. > [@](#): > > \*\*Why are thugs always jack-booted? \*\* I don’t know. Mine wear Hiking boots. > [@](#): > > \*\*Inspirantional advice for Apprentice Evil Overlords? \*\* Knowledge is power. > [@](#): > > \*\*What am I doing right now? How about now? \*\* Reading at your computer. You’re still reading. > [@](#): > > \*\*When’s the next lunar eclipse? \*\* You want the ‘Ask the Stargazer’ thread. > [@](#): > > \*\*Any final final thoughts? \*\* Your fate is sealed. > [@](#): > > \*\*If you were stranded on a desert island with only one cave painting for entertainment, which cave painting would it be? \*\* One portraying native boat-building techniques. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-overlord/25246.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-overlord/25246.md?page=3)