# Ask the Evil Supervillain **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 15, 2003, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-supervillain/181947 "2003-06-15T02:13:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![friedo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8edcca/32.png) [@friedo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friedo)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2003, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-supervillain/181947/1 "2003-06-15T02:13:35Z")
I have been an Evil Supervillain for about six years now. I specialize in space piracy, kidnapping and the occasional hijacking of nuclear weapons. My superpowers include telekinesis, the ability to turn invisible, and the ability to tolerate Barney the Dinosaur. Evil Supervillainry is a much maligned and misunderstood profession, so I’ll try to clear up any misconceptions or answer any questions that you might have. ---
**Author:** ![X\_Slayer\_ALE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/bbe5ce/32.png) [@X\_Slayer\_ALE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/X_Slayer_ALE)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2003, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-supervillain/181947/2 "2003-06-15T02:23:03Z")
You have excellent powers, **friedo** the supervillain but while you may be able to \*tolerate[/i[ Barney… you are not HIM! BWAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH!! Tell me tho, why do supervillains have this compulsive need to label all of their self destruct triggering devices? Wouldnt it be more evil to have a doomsday device that _cant_ be turned off? and what is this insipid need to gloat to the one and only person who can defeat you and give him specific and detailed clues as to how to thwart your ultimate plan (de jour)? ---
**Author:** ![Muad\_Dib](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/35a633/32.png) [@Muad\_Dib](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muad_Dib)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2003, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-supervillain/181947/3 "2003-06-15T02:24:27Z")
Dear Evil Supervillain. I have long since compleated a high powered laser that is capable of etching what ever I wish onto the surface of the moon. However I simply cannot make up my mind on what to write! I am considering the visage of one Alfred E. Newman, a simple smiley face, or maybe just my name. Do you have any ideas, recomendations? Please hurry as the leauge of veracity is closing in on the location of my base. ---
**Author:** ![friedo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8edcca/32.png) [@friedo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friedo)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2003, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-supervillain/181947/4 "2003-06-15T02:29:58Z")
> [@](#): > > Tell me tho, why do supervillains have this compulsive need to label all of their self destruct triggering devices? Wouldnt it be more evil to have a doomsday device that _cant_ be turned off? Though I do not specialize in doomsday devices (if you blow up the whole world, you lose everything you want to steal) I have many colleagues in the industry who do. The problem with constructing a device that cannot be disarmed is that inevitably some meddling do-gooder will figure out a way to turn it around and _point it at you_. So the general feeling in the Community is to err on the cautious side and build in an easily identifiable abort or self-destruct button. > [@](#): > > and what is this insipid need to gloat to the one and only person who can defeat you and give him specific and detailed clues as to how to thwart your ultimate plan (de jour)? Supervillains as a whole are a very clever lot. But we have low self-esteem, which is why we lash out. So we often feel a need to justify our actions to our nemeses, in a vain attempt to earn their approval. ---
**Author:** ![friedo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8edcca/32.png) [@friedo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friedo)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2003, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-supervillain/181947/5 "2003-06-15T02:32:16Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Muad’Dib \* > I have long since compleated a high powered laser that is capable of etching what ever I wish onto the surface of the moon. However I simply cannot make up my mind on what to write! I am considering the visage of one Alfred E. > Newman, a simple smiley face, or maybe just my name. Well, if I had such a device, I would probably draw a giant picture of a butt, thereby “mooning” the whole world. ---
**Author:** ![Q.E.D](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/51bf81/32.png) [@Q.E.D](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.E.D)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2003, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-supervillain/181947/6 "2003-06-15T02:37:01Z")
Dear supervillian: I’m a regular villain, but I want to attain Super status. Where can I get unquestioningly loyal minions to do my bidding? Right now, all I can get are the neighbor kids who work whenever they feel like it and only do what I want when I threaten to blow up their Playstation 2s. Plus, all my nemesis has to do is give then $5 and they go buy candy instead of carrying out my Evil Plan for World Domination™. ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2003, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-supervillain/181947/7 "2003-06-15T02:38:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Muad’Dib \* > \*\*Dear Evil Supervillain. > > I have long since compleated a high powered laser that is capable of etching what ever I wish onto the surface of the moon. However I simply cannot make up my mind on what to write! I am considering the visage of one Alfred E. > Newman, a simple smiley face, or maybe just my name. > > Do you have any ideas, recomendations? Please hurry as the leauge of veracity is closing in on the location of my base. \*\* Ptui. That’s an easy one. Etch a REALLY REALLY detailed, graphic XXX image. Not a simple, tasteful image of a butt but a love-juice stained image of a butt in action. Then let it be knwon that you’re willing to erase the image, or portions of it – for a price. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Muad\_Dib](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/35a633/32.png) [@Muad\_Dib](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muad_Dib)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2003, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-supervillain/181947/8 "2003-06-15T02:42:36Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Evil Captor \* > \*\*Ptui. That’s an easy one. Etch a REALLY REALLY detailed, graphic XXX image. Not a simple, tasteful image of a butt but a love-juice stained image of a butt in action. > > Then let it be knwon that you’re willing to erase the image, or portions of it – for a price. > > 😃 \*\* Sweet baby Buddah on a stick! You _are_ evil.:eek: _bows down_ ---
**Author:** ![green\_bladder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/73ab20/32.png) [@green\_bladder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/green_bladder)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2003, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-supervillain/181947/9 "2003-06-15T02:42:38Z")
Dear Evil Supervillian, What do your parents have to say about this? And do you think you can take on Superman? ---
**Author:** ![Super\_Gnat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@Super\_Gnat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Super_Gnat)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2003, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-supervillain/181947/10 "2003-06-15T02:53:45Z")
Dear Evil Supervillain, Have you ever bought anything from VillainSupply.com? If so, how was your buying experience? I’m thinking about getting a Mobile Missile Launcher. ---
**Author:** ![friedo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8edcca/32.png) [@friedo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friedo)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2003, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-supervillain/181947/11 "2003-06-15T03:04:51Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Q.E.D. \* > I’m a regular villain, but I want to attain Super status. Where can I get unquestioningly loyal minions to do my bidding? Right now, all I can get are the neighbor kids who work whenever they feel like it and only do what I want when I threaten to blow up their Playstation 2s. Plus, all my nemesis has to do is give then $5 and they go buy candy instead of carrying out my Evil Plan for World Domination™. First, you can’t just become an Evil Supervilain overnight. You need to work hard. You’ll need to earn a degree at The Evil Supervillain Academy. Then you work your way up. You start with a few bank robberies in Europe to get some gold bars and fund your empire. You won’t be able to build a secret lair at this point, so you’ll have to settle with an old castle or haunted mansion. Then, I suggest spending a few years doing some stock manipulation and mafia administration to build up a large cash reserve. After that, make a deal with a foreign government to carry out their evil plots in exchange for a small army. Now that you’ve got your minions firmly under your control, betray the government that hired you and plan your own dasterdly deeds. ---
**Author:** ![friedo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8edcca/32.png) [@friedo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friedo)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2003, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-supervillain/181947/12 "2003-06-15T03:07:59Z")
> [@](#): > > What do your parents have to say about this? And do you think you can take on Superman? My parents are very proud. They always thought I had a career in government beaurocratics, but when I finally earned my Master’s in Villainry, they knew I was _really_ evil. ---
**Author:** ![friedo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8edcca/32.png) [@friedo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friedo)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2003, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-supervillain/181947/13 "2003-06-15T03:09:00Z")
> [@](#): > > What do your parents have to say about this? And do you think you can take on Superman? My parents are very proud. They always thought I had a career in government beaurocratics, but when I finally earned my Master’s in Villainry, they knew I was _really_ evil. I do have a plan for defeating Superman someday, though I have not yet had a chance to put it into effect. It involved a Superwhore and a kryptonite condom. ---
**Author:** ![friedo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8edcca/32.png) [@friedo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friedo)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2003, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-supervillain/181947/14 "2003-06-15T04:35:21Z")
> [@](#): > > Have you ever bought anything from VillainSupply.com? If so, how was your buying experience? I find their customer service to be adequate, but their supplies sub-par. I find I can get the highest quality supplies in former Soviet republics, Arab states that harbor terrorists, and Canada. ---
**Author:** ![Optihut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/edb3f5/32.png) [@Optihut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Optihut)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2003, 11:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-supervillain/181947/15 "2003-06-15T11:16:36Z")
Dear Evil Supervillain, I am still looking for a place where I can do my internship, so are you currently on the look for highly motivated sidekicks / lackeys? ---
**Author:** ![friedo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8edcca/32.png) [@friedo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friedo)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2003, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-supervillain/181947/16 "2003-06-15T21:33:35Z")
> [@](#): > > I am still looking for a place where I can do my internship, so are you currently on the look for highly motivated sidekicks / lackeys? I am not in the position to begin hiring at this moment, and I already have a pair of highly motivated lackeys at my disposal. I suggest you get some evil experience first by working for the US Government or Microsoft. ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2003, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-supervillain/181947/17 "2003-06-15T22:06:08Z")
Where exactly is the line between villainy and evil supervillainy? ---
**Author:** ![mr.splitfoot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8e8cbc/32.png) [@mr.splitfoot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mr.splitfoot)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2003, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-supervillain/181947/18 "2003-06-15T22:28:45Z")
Dear Evil Supervillain, One of my ancestors on my family tree was a supervillain from circa 1246. Although he left behind no memoirs and there is very little on record about his life, it is known that he did fairly well for himself. Can you give me some insight on how supervillainy has changed over the past 1000 years, and perhaps tell me if I have a better chance of becoming a supervillain becuase of my ancestory? ---
**Author:** ![friedo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8edcca/32.png) [@friedo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friedo)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2003, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-supervillain/181947/19 "2003-06-15T22:41:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Evil Captor \* > Where exactly is the line between villainy and evil supervillainy? Simply put, Supervillains have super-powers which they use in order to commit their dastardly deeds. Also, they have hot girlfriends. ---
**Author:** ![friedo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8edcca/32.png) [@friedo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friedo)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2003, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-supervillain/181947/20 "2003-06-15T22:43:34Z")
> [@](#): > > One of my ancestors on my family tree was a supervillain from circa 1246. Although he left behind no memoirs and there is very little on record about his life, it is known that he did fairly well for himself. Can you give me some insight on how supervillainy has changed over the past 1000 years, and perhaps tell me if I have a better chance of becoming a supervillain becuase of my ancestory? You are in luck. Supervillanous ability tends to run in families. The Supervillains of a thousand years ago worked in much the same fashion as those of today, but without the technology. Whereas a Supervillain of the 1980s might use a giant mind-control ray to hypnotize the President, a Supervillain of 1000 years ago would pay a sorcerer his weight in gold to possess a king. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-evil-supervillain/181947.md?page=2)