# Ask the Extraterrestial **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 12, 2006, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-extraterrestial/372472 "2006-09-12T23:27:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2006, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-extraterrestial/372472/1 "2006-09-12T23:27:20Z")
Yup, I’m an honest to Karana extraterrestial being. From an advanced planet way the hell out in space. Got all sorts of knowledge to share with all you lesser life forms. Ask away: Disclaimer: I am not your lawyer. You are not allowed to violate my cat. If you try, he will probably hurt you. Following any advice I give in this thread could get you sued, jailed, killed, injured, damned to hell for all eternity, deported, divorced, married, pregnant, drunk, otherwise intoxicated, flogged, outcast, laughed at, burned in effigy, shunned, excommunicated, bad karma’d, lactose intoleranted, fired, or otherwise subject you to unpleasant, painful, or fatal consequences. If you die and try to sue me, I will dig you up and kick your cold dead ass. Your milage may vary. Not valid in any state, country, alliance, planet, solar system, galaxy, or parallel universes. TANSTAAFL applies. Bring your own damn towel. ---
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2006, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-extraterrestial/372472/2 "2006-09-12T23:33:52Z")
When the hell are you bringing back Elvis? Come on, quit hogging The King, willya? ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2006, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-extraterrestial/372472/3 "2006-09-12T23:37:11Z")
[QUOTE=Mindfield] When the hell are you bringing back Elvis? Come on, quit hogging The King, willya? [/QUOTE] Elvis never left Earth. He’s everywhere, but I understand that he does need boats… ---
**Author:** ![Grey\_area](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Grey\_area](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grey_area)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2006, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-extraterrestial/372472/4 "2006-09-13T00:03:56Z")
Why have you not crushed us? ---
**Author:** ![Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tapioca_Dextrin)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2006, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-extraterrestial/372472/5 "2006-09-13T00:06:50Z")
Do you find that your extra testicle comes in useful? ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2006, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-extraterrestial/372472/6 "2006-09-13T00:07:17Z")
[QUOTE=r4nd0mNumb3rs] Why have you not crushed us? [/QUOTE] Do you have any idea how much paperwork you have to do if you crush a semi-sentient species? It’s really not worth the effort. Plus, you have kittens. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2006, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-extraterrestial/372472/7 "2006-09-13T00:10:49Z")
[QUOTE=Tapioca Dextrin] Do you find that your extra testicle comes in useful? [/QUOTE] None of my testicles are considered “extra”. Same goes for my other appendages. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2006, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-extraterrestial/372472/8 "2006-09-13T00:11:48Z")
What’s with the anal probes? When I see my physician, he looks into my eyes, my ears, my throat, takes my blood pressure, etc. But unless I specifically come in with an ass-related problem, I never get a probe stuck up there. Can’t you find out what you want with a blood sample and a few hairs? ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2006, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-extraterrestial/372472/9 "2006-09-13T00:12:24Z")
Alien Dude–Why? Why? Why? Why? Why the Anal Probe stuff? Are you pervy? On a more legalistic note: Where were you on the night of October the 30th, 1938? Do you have an alibi? Did you bring pie? How about a wine whose time has come? Did you bring that? If not, why not? And, finally, are you now or have you ever been a member of the Red Martian Party? ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2006, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-extraterrestial/372472/10 "2006-09-13T00:13:30Z")
[QUOTE=kunilou] What’s with the anal probes? When I see my physician, he looks into my eyes, my ears, my throat, takes my blood pressure, etc. But unless I specifically come in with an ass-related problem, I never get a probe stuck up there. Can’t you find out what you want with a blood sample and a few hairs? [/QUOTE] DAMN YOU! Where a Martian Heat Ray (1920s Style) when you really need one? :mad: ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2006, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-extraterrestial/372472/11 "2006-09-13T00:13:53Z")
[QUOTE=kunilou] Can’t you find out what you want with a blood sample and a few hairs? [/QUOTE] Sure we could. But you can sell more books about anal probes than you can about blood samples. We cornered that market back in '47. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2006, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-extraterrestial/372472/12 "2006-09-13T00:18:55Z")
[QUOTE=Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor] Alien Dude–Why? Why? Why? Why? Why the Anal Probe stuff? Are you pervy? On a more legalistic note: Where were you on the night of October the 30th, 1938? Do you have an alibi? Did you bring pie? How about a wine whose time has come? Did you bring that? If not, why not? And, finally, are you now or have you ever been a member of the Red Martian Party? [/QUOTE] Because. See Anal Probe stuff above. Not by intergalatic standards. I was smoking a fattie outside this radio station with this odd actor, with no pie or wine, because I don’t drink…wine. I’ve never been a Red Martian, but I dated one once, for about 20 minutes, back in the '60s. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2006, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-extraterrestial/372472/13 "2006-09-13T00:20:14Z")
[QUOTE=Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor] DAMN YOU! Where a Martian Heat Ray (1920s Style) when you really need one? :mad: [/QUOTE] Those things never work, anyway. A S&W .357 is the way to go. ---
**Author:** ![Cheez\_Whia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d26b3c/32.png) [@Cheez\_Whia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheez_Whia)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2006, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-extraterrestial/372472/14 "2006-09-13T00:33:19Z")
How’s Roy Neary? ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2006, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-extraterrestial/372472/15 "2006-09-13T00:35:05Z")
What do you call Pluto on your planet? ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2006, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-extraterrestial/372472/16 "2006-09-13T00:43:01Z")
[QUOTE=Cheez\_Whia] How’s Roy Neary? [/QUOTE] He was served medium rare. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2006, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-extraterrestial/372472/17 "2006-09-13T00:44:31Z")
[QUOTE=Musicat] What do you call Pluto on your planet? [/QUOTE] A speedbump. ---
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2006, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-extraterrestial/372472/18 "2006-09-13T00:59:25Z")
Fine. Keep Elvis. He gained too much weight anyway. Those pelvic thrusts could never be the same. Heat rays? Get real. Everybody knows they use the Eludium P38 Explosive Space Modulator. ---
**Author:** ![Cartooniverse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cartooniverse/32/3084_2.png) [@Cartooniverse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cartooniverse)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2006, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-extraterrestial/372472/19 "2006-09-13T01:28:30Z")
[QUOTE=Oakminster] He was served medium rare. [/QUOTE] Brilliant. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2006, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-extraterrestial/372472/20 "2006-09-13T02:20:19Z")
What do you wear when you aren’t around humans? Most of the aliens I’ve seen (at least the ones who look more or less human) wear some sort of shiny jumpsuit. I’ve always suspected that was some sort of “dress uniform” designed to impress or intimidate us. Is that the standard costume, or do you put on something else when you’re barbecuing out behind the space ship or hang out with your homies? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-extraterrestial/372472.md?page=2)