# Ask the former polyamorist **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 21, 2015, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-former-polyamorist/741015 "2015-12-21T17:50:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Cognoscant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Cognoscant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cognoscant)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2015, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-former-polyamorist/741015/61 "2015-12-29T15:48:24Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > I’m starting to think some people go into these types of relationships mostly, if not at least partially, as a way to get a free place to live. You could say that about any relationship though, couldn’t you? ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2015, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-former-polyamorist/741015/62 "2015-12-30T05:24:07Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > There are no defaults in polyamory, so every relationship requires negotiated boundaries. It’s not unheard of for a triad to agree to group dating, but not two person dating, to avoid jealousy issues. It’s also not unheard of for sex to be okay, but platonic (not-sex) activities to be off limits, to reduce emotional intimacy, which can also trigger jealousy issues…although that’s more in the realm of swinging, but if I’m reading it right, that’s where the OP and Alison started, as swingers, so that makes sense. > > People often think of polyamory as carefree and rules free, no limits, because there’s sex happening with more than one person. In reality, I spent WAY more time talking about boundaries and rules with all my poly relationships than my monogamous ones. We don’t need to talk so much about monogamous relationships’ boundaries, because we know the “default” rules already. They’ve been pounded into us since we were children. Curious. Do you write anything down? Is there some sort of checklist? Or is it always just verbal agreements? If so how do you keep track of everything agreed on? ---
**Author:** ![Cognoscant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Cognoscant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cognoscant)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2016, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-former-polyamorist/741015/63 "2016-02-08T02:35:42Z")
Well, well, well. I’m going to post answers to the questions I didn’t answer previously very soon. Sorry I was away from here for a while, but I had a pretty good reason. And there have been some rather interesting developments. In a nutshell: 1. Writing this thread got me started thinking about my past. 2. Thinking about my past got me starting thinking that maybe my past might be part of my future. 3. I started thinking maybe I’m not so much of a former polyamorist anymore. 4. I started posting on another messageboard. 5. While I was there I started messaging a few new friends, including a couple my age who I’ll call Edith and Fred. 6. Edith and Fred admitted to being poly themselves after I’d talked about my past. 7. Out of the blue my wife started talking about swinging and polyamory one night. 8. That night my wife literally jabbed my chest with her finger and said, “I’ll bet you’re still poly.” 9. We fought all night. 10. But the next day we agreed maybe I was poly and it was time to do something about it. 10a. She’s still working on it but she’s slowly starting to become OK with it. 11. Meanwhile Edith sent me a private message…and another…and another…and another… 12. And eventually I broke down and started admitting I had a huge massive crush on Edith…both to my wife and to Fred. 13. So I thought that might end both of our marriages. Nope, Fred said he liked me and hoped Edith would be happy. And my wife said she thought I was being cute and thought Edith might be my training wheels. 13a. Oh did I mention Edith and Fred live in another country? 14. Then Edith sent me a “hugs-and-kisses” message. 14a. And Edith turned out to be a bit of a hottie. 14b. And Edith said she couldn’t imagine how she got on without me. 14c. And then Edith asked me to write her some personalized, um. 15. And tonight…I sent it to her… In other words…dear moderator, you may need to take the “former” out of the thread title. Also, does anyone have a blank airplane ticket where I can just write in the destination? Edith and I might need one soon… This, then, is New Relationship Energy. I’m not in love…I’m not in love. I am in crush though. I can imagine somewhere Bianca is reading this and laughing at me. Well I don’t care honestly. I know I need to go slow with my wife. We have to go at her pace. I’m not seeing Edith any time soon and my wife isn’t OK with me seeing anyone in person yet. But she thinks my relationship with Edith is cute. Doesn’t hurt that our sex life has just gone through the roof lately as a direct result. …So go ahead and ask the current polyamorist. This was all a rather unexpected development. Wow. ---
**Author:** ![Bear\_Nenno](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bear_nenno/32/3358_2.png) [@Bear\_Nenno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bear_Nenno)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2016, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-former-polyamorist/741015/64 "2016-02-08T03:09:27Z")
> [@Cognoscant](#): > > I was an unlikely candidate for polyamory. I am a rather dull heterosexual male, kind of boring to be honest. I am a very introverted person who has struggled with personal relationships for most of my life. Does this really describe an _unlikely_ candidate? I would have guessed that these were a few of the most common attributes of a polyamorist. Is that not the case? ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2016, 7:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-former-polyamorist/741015/65 "2016-02-08T07:14:32Z")
> [@Cognoscant](#): > > Well, well, well > {…} > …So go ahead and ask the current polyamorist. This was all a rather unexpected development. Wow. Congratulations and welcome back to the fold! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2016, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-former-polyamorist/741015/66 "2016-02-08T07:18:30Z")
> [@Bear\_Nenno](#): > > Does this really describe an _unlikely_ candidate? I would have guessed that these were a few of the most common attributes of a polyamorist. Is that not the case? I suspect you’re right. I don’t really consider myself dull but I’m an introverted intellectual and therefore definitely not your conventional party animal kind of person. And the poly women I know tend to be, if not necessarily introverted, then at least complicated and intellectual and very much inclined to put a high value on their esoteric independent search for whatever it is they’re seeking in life. ---
**Author:** ![Cognoscant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Cognoscant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cognoscant)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2016, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-former-polyamorist/741015/67 "2016-02-08T17:31:03Z")
> [@AHunter3](#): > > Congratulations and welcome back to the fold! 🙂 Thanks, it’s either going to be the worst or best decision of my life. I don’t see it ending up in the middle. I guess you only live once. ---
**Author:** ![Cognoscant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Cognoscant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cognoscant)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2016, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-former-polyamorist/741015/68 "2016-02-24T17:31:46Z")
Well, as usual, I was wrong. I started slowing things down to a friendship with Edith as I realized I wasn’t as ready as I thought to handle these emotions. I thought Edith was grateful for that…then yesterday she sent a message that started off friendly and midway through took a sharp left into Crazy Town, accusing me of “saying I wasn’t ready to be in a third-party relationship when what do you think we have???” Um. A friendship? Well apparently not. In Monogamy World, I’d just pop over to her place and deliver a Hollywood-style impassioned monologue about how I couldn’t slow things down anymore! And then we’d have hot monkey sex for hours. Instead this probably means our relationship is over because Fred and my wife wouldn’t go for that and, also, Edith is a 10-hour plane ride away now. And thus, my message to her has so far been ignored. Welcome back to poly, Cogno. Your Xanax is waiting on the table. But the experience was a learning one for my wife and I. She is happy with how I handled it…and how well she did. And when I asked for advice on things boy did I ever get it. If only Alison, Bianca, and I had known half of what I do now. There will be another chance when my wife and I are both ready. Well maybe anyway. So if anyone else needs some of the advice I learned, well, as they say I have the bandwidth now. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2016, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-former-polyamorist/741015/69 "2016-02-24T18:10:47Z")
So…you are only polyamory when you are hot for someone outside your marriage/relationship? At least that’s how it seems based upon your last few posts. Good luck with figuring that all out. ---
**Author:** ![Cognoscant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Cognoscant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cognoscant)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2016, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-former-polyamorist/741015/70 "2016-02-24T18:48:30Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > So…you are only polyamory when you are hot for someone outside your marriage/relationship? At least that’s how it seems based upon your last few posts. > > Good luck with figuring that all out. I decided even before I met Edith online that I was probably going to start identifying as poly. I actually did post a “coming out” message at the other place first, before Edith sent her first message. To be honest I wasn’t expecting to find anybody there, that was just kind of a bonus. And now if the relationship such as it was with Edith is over, I will still identify as polyamorous. Even if I never have another poly relationship, I’m going to identify that way. Now that decision I can live with. Really it’s the first decision I’ve felt good about in a long time. ---
**Author:** ![yarblek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/71e660/32.png) [@yarblek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yarblek)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2016, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-former-polyamorist/741015/71 "2016-02-24T19:23:54Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > I thought “triad” was an organization similar to the yakuza.😕 > [@Jackmannii](#): > > Still wondering about that “triad” thing. Are all the combinations named in musical fashion? > > For instance, is a grouping of six where one member loses interest still called a sextet, or is that a diminished fifth? I hope I’m not being wooshed but Jesus H Christ, a _triad_ is simply **a group of three things**. One simple [dictionary](http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/triad?s=t) reference would tell you that. Such ignorance. Much fought. ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2016, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-former-polyamorist/741015/72 "2016-02-24T19:57:22Z")
> [@yarblek](#): > > Such ignorance. Much fought. Wow. ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 4:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-former-polyamorist/741015/73 "2016-02-25T04:31:25Z")
Congratulations on living your life more authentically; it sounds like you’ve reached a level of honesty w/ your wife that’s impressive. Likewise, I bet she is more confident than ever before of how honest she can be w/ you; an enviable bond. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 11:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-former-polyamorist/741015/74 "2016-02-25T11:50:40Z")
> [@Drunky\_Smurf](#): > > Wow. Yakuza not amused. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-former-polyamorist/741015.md?page=3)