# Ask the former teenage mother who gave her baby up for adoption **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 2, 2009, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-former-teenage-mother-who-gave-her-baby-up-for-adoption/498525 "2009-06-02T23:52:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2009, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-former-teenage-mother-who-gave-her-baby-up-for-adoption/498525/41 "2009-06-04T21:11:28Z")
> [@RedRosesForMe](#): > > **Shirley Ujest** , what exactly do you mean? I know that they asked me (and the father, I assume) a million questions on everything from medical history (mine and the families’) to what talents, interests, and skills I had. Is that not standard? Or do you mean people often lie about that, because I certainly didn’t. Also, I was told that they planned to tell him early on about his adoption. They had an older adopted child who was too old not to realize that babies come from mommy’s tummies, so I can’t imagine they could not be open about it. Back when I was adopted, it wasn’t 1001 questions. If you read the above book, you will see how the adoption agencies filled in their own lies instead of the truth. Not in all cases, but in alot. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2009, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-former-teenage-mother-who-gave-her-baby-up-for-adoption/498525/42 "2009-06-04T21:19:28Z")
> [@Shirley\_Ujest](#): > > Back when I was adopted, it wasn’t 1001 questions. If you read the above book, you will see how the adoption agencies filled in their own lies instead of the truth. Not in all cases, but in alot. **Shirley Ujest** , were your brothers adopted? Did your folks know about their potential conditions? ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2009, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-former-teenage-mother-who-gave-her-baby-up-for-adoption/498525/43 "2009-06-04T21:27:21Z")
> [@RedRosesForMe](#): > > **Freudian Slit,** that’s a very complicated story in itself. I suppose it would be closer to statutory rape/molestation but I really don’t know what to call it. Basically when I was 12 I met an 18 year old guy who liked to deflower virgins. It wasn’t forceful, but it was manipulative, and for a week afterwards I had a very strong psychosomatic reaction where I’d vomit at the sound of his name or anything to do with him. Ugh, sorry to hear that. Sounds like you had a rough adolescence. Glad to know that you came out of it all right, though. ---
**Author:** ![emmaliminal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7bcc69/32.png) [@emmaliminal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/emmaliminal)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2009, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-former-teenage-mother-who-gave-her-baby-up-for-adoption/498525/44 "2009-06-04T21:36:07Z")
> [@SylverOne](#): > > It was because I loved him as much as I did that I made the decision to relinquish him. Kid who was adopted as an infant in 1969 here. We didn’t have an open adoption, but this is what my parents told me my birth mother thought. Of course, they never met her, so they could be wrong, but as a little kid it made me feel very loved indeed. I used to brag about being adopted: my parents didn’t just end up with me, they picked me out special! Thank you very much for the thread, **RedRosesForMe**. ---
**Author:** ![Mighty\_Girl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7bcc69/32.png) [@Mighty\_Girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mighty_Girl)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2009, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-former-teenage-mother-who-gave-her-baby-up-for-adoption/498525/45 "2009-06-05T03:27:44Z")
> [@Maastricht](#): > > Since I’ve had my son, I have been amazed at the feeling “now I can die peacefully” that I have. Of course, I can’t die, I have to take care of him, but there’s this feeling that I have done a very important thing in giving birth to him. It’s probably a genes thing, the idea of having made a biological replacement. However, the feeling is real for me, and I wonder if I might feel the same way if I was separated from him. Do you feel that way? I thought I was the only one. It must be in our genes. Interesting thread. ---
**Author:** ![Ruby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/13edae/32.png) [@Ruby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruby)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2009, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-former-teenage-mother-who-gave-her-baby-up-for-adoption/498525/46 "2009-06-05T04:28:41Z")
I just came in to say “Thank You” to those of you who have allowed the child to be adopted. I was adopted at 4 days old to the most loving, wonderful parents a girl could ask for. The sacrifice that you have made has allowed those like me to thrive and for that, I salute you. The courage and bravery that you showed was unlike any other. My adoption was in 1959 and there was no such thing as an open adoption. I’ve known I was adopted since birth and never really felt compelled to find my birth parents. Both of my parents have now died so I would more seriously consider looking up my birth family now, but I still don’t have a strong desire to do so. Since I was an only child, I am more interested to know if I have siblings. That would be kind of cool. While I’m a strong advocate for adoption, I am still Pro Choice. It is not my place to tell others what is best for them. ---
**Author:** ![bengangmo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/50afbb/32.png) [@bengangmo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bengangmo)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2009, 7:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-former-teenage-mother-who-gave-her-baby-up-for-adoption/498525/47 "2009-06-05T07:08:14Z")
> [@StuffLikeThatThere](#): > > I don’t have any to contribute, really, but I wanted you to know that I appreciate you starting this thread. I’m an adoptive mom, and I’ll be reading eagerly. As an adopted kid, if I could be so bold as to offer one piece of advice - Tell your kid it (he / she) is adopted. This sort of thing cannot be kept a secret forever, but if your child finds out later in life it can be devastating, whereby if they grow up with it it doesn’t need to be a big deal. ---
**Author:** ![StuffLikeThatThere](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc8723/32.png) [@StuffLikeThatThere](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StuffLikeThatThere)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2009, 12:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-former-teenage-mother-who-gave-her-baby-up-for-adoption/498525/48 "2009-06-05T12:54:06Z")
> [@bengangmo](#): > > As an adopted kid, if I could be so bold as to offer one piece of advice - Tell your kid it (he / she) is adopted. This sort of thing cannot be kept a secret forever, but if your child finds out later in life it can be devastating, whereby if they grow up with it it doesn’t need to be a big deal. Yes. This is our plan, and it seems like I hear from those who have been adopted that it’s the best one. He’s nine months old, and we already tell him. I know he doesn’t know what any of it means, but he hears stories about when he was born and how brave his birthmom was, and how much she loves him. I hope “adoption” is one of those words that he always remembers hearing. I know a woman who didn’t find out that she had been adopted until her father’s funeral. She managed fine, but I don’t want our son to experience that kind of shock. Even if we wanted to hide it I don’t think we could in our case. We had a rather spectacular failed adoption earlier (had a son for two months and lost him because of agency misconduct) which our whole community knew about. We are famous for our infertility. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2009, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-former-teenage-mother-who-gave-her-baby-up-for-adoption/498525/49 "2009-06-05T15:05:47Z")
**RedRosesForMe** & **SylverOne** , how do you feel about the situation several hundred years ago when women of your (then) age giving birth was perfectly normal? More crudely: old enough to bleed? Old enough to breed. ---
**Author:** ![lorene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/65b543/32.png) [@lorene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lorene)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2009, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-former-teenage-mother-who-gave-her-baby-up-for-adoption/498525/50 "2009-06-05T15:17:58Z")
I’m wondering if either of you saw the movie\*\* Juno\*\* and, if so, how you feel about how teenage pregnancy and adoption was portrayed in it. Thank you for this thread. I had a close friend in college who gave a baby up for adoption and, while I think I did as much to be supportive as an 18-year-old can think to do, I often wonder if I could have been more so. What you did for the adoptive families is remarkable. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2009, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-former-teenage-mother-who-gave-her-baby-up-for-adoption/498525/51 "2009-06-05T15:27:21Z")
> [@Quartz](#): > > **RedRosesForMe** & **SylverOne** , how do you feel about the situation several hundred years ago when women of your (then) age giving birth was perfectly normal? > > More crudely: old enough to bleed? Old enough to breed. Not really. It’s definitely a lot more dangerous for a young teen to give birth than an older one. ---
**Author:** ![Black\_Sunshine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ce73a5/32.png) [@Black\_Sunshine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Black_Sunshine)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2009, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-former-teenage-mother-who-gave-her-baby-up-for-adoption/498525/52 "2009-06-05T16:54:52Z")
Nothing really to ask - just want to add my voice to the “tell your kid about being adopted, often and early” crowd. The fact of my adoption was one of the first things I knew. My parents made it such a non-issue that I thought most kids were. I was shocked when I found out that my grandmother had not adopted my mother, but had _gasp_ given birth to her! ---
**Author:** ![SylverOne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c0e974/32.png) [@SylverOne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SylverOne)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2009, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-former-teenage-mother-who-gave-her-baby-up-for-adoption/498525/53 "2009-06-05T20:18:10Z")
> [@Quartz](#): > > **RedRosesForMe** & **SylverOne** , how do you feel about the situation several hundred years ago when women of your (then) age giving birth was perfectly normal? > > More crudely: old enough to bleed? Old enough to breed. Several hundred years ago, women were raised to be wives and mothers and not much more. It was also perfectly normal for them to be married (and therefore provided for) at that age as well. They weren’t expected to finish high school, possibly go on to college, find a job and juggle work and motherhood. Today that is not the case. Physiologically, I don’t believe it is more dangerous for a teen to carry a child than an older female\*\*. It’s what our bodies are built for. For those with smaller frames, then yes, they may have trouble, but that can also be said for 20 and 30 year olds. Birth, no matter what the age, carries an inherent danger to both the mother and the child. \*\*Now when you are talking about early onset menarche, or 12 and even 13 year olds, the danger level would increase drastically. How to support a growing fetus when your own body hasn’t stopped growing yet? > [@lorene](#): > > I’m wondering if either of you saw the movie\*\* Juno\*\* and, if so, how you feel about how teenage pregnancy and adoption was portrayed in it. I loved that movie, and it’s one of the more honest portrayals of adoption from the birthmother’s standpoint. I really related to Juno in that, when she made up her mind, that was it. She knew what was best for her and ultimately her child. And when she cried in the end, so did I, because I remember the feeling. You mourn the loss. Being high school outcast? Check Feeling fat, ugly and alone? Check Seemingly hating the birthfather, while still loving him? Double Check Great movie… cheesy dialog, but otherwise accurate. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2009, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-former-teenage-mother-who-gave-her-baby-up-for-adoption/498525/54 "2009-06-05T20:31:54Z")
> [@Quartz](#): > > **RedRosesForMe** & **SylverOne** , how do you feel about the situation several hundred years ago when women of your (then) age giving birth was perfectly normal? How do you feel about the fact that several hundred years ago dying in childbirth was perfectly normal? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-former-teenage-mother-who-gave-her-baby-up-for-adoption/498525.md?page=2)