# \[Ask the Funeral Director who's a\] New Member \[edited title\] **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 2, 2011, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-funeral-director-whos-a-new-member-edited-title/584142 "2011-06-02T23:55:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![CoffinMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b9bd4f/32.png) [@CoffinMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CoffinMan)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2011, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-funeral-director-whos-a-new-member-edited-title/584142/141 "2011-07-07T17:06:35Z")
> [@gaffa](#): > > Of the three funerals I have videotaped, the one for my brother-in-law that I webcast has been viewed 120 times. You’re welcome to watch it. He died of ALS, a terrible disease that whittled away the life of a very active, vibrant man who loved my sister since they were kids. His memorial was a celebration of his life, and it was an hour and a half of people talking about why they loved him. All I can say is that people wanted to hear what their friends and family had to say if they missed the funeral, or to remember what they heard if they were there. > > As they say, the funeral is not for the deceased, but for the surviving family and friends. The other two have also been watched multiple times, even though one is up on YouTube as a private video, which means people have to share the link. That one was for a very talented photographer and teacher who had students and fans all over the world, and they have been sending the link to each other to watch it, even though I made DVDs for the members of his family and best friend. > > I buried my mom five years ago and can remember her funeral very clearly. But my father died when I was 16. I _wish_ I had a film or tape of his memorial to have some idea of all the people who spoke. I could watch it now to try to get a bit better understanding of the man now that I am older than he was when he died, and I have aged to look so much like I remember him. > > _Amazing tradition. They throw a great party for you on the one day they **know** you can’t come._ - **The Big Chill** I think that you have a good chance at making a viable career out of this if you are willing to do some legwork. I too lost my father at a very young age - in my case I was 7. Out of a fear that the service would be too traumatic for me at that age, my family decided to not allow me to attend the funeral. Like you, I do wish that there was some record of that service since it would provided me with information about my father who, at that age, I knew very little about. ---
**Author:** ![CoffinMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b9bd4f/32.png) [@CoffinMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CoffinMan)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2011, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-funeral-director-whos-a-new-member-edited-title/584142/142 "2011-07-07T17:08:47Z")
> [@Johnny\_L.A](#): > > Thank you. > > I want to be clear that he was not KIA. After a couple/few years in the Army, dad joined the Navy. He retired after 20 years in the Navy as an O-3 (Naval Lieutenant). Then he spent 22 years in the FAA, retired, and died in 1998. Before his traumatic brain injury in a crash, he said wanted whatever could be used to be harvested, his body to be cremated, and to be buried at sea (preferably off Point Loma, California). My sister wanted to dump him from a JetSki. I thought a Naval burial would be more dignified. > > The chaplain said the words, the honour guard fired the salute, and the plank was tipped and his box slid from under the flag into the sea. Sounds like a very dignified burial service. I am glad that it provided some measure of comfort to your family. Retired or not, your father’s history of service to his country makes him a hero as far as I am concerned. ---
**Author:** ![CoffinMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b9bd4f/32.png) [@CoffinMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CoffinMan)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2011, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-funeral-director-whos-a-new-member-edited-title/584142/143 "2011-07-08T16:14:14Z")
> [@Johnny\_L.A](#): > > Graves are something he just fell into? Another good one 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2011, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-funeral-director-whos-a-new-member-edited-title/584142/144 "2011-07-09T04:43:51Z")
Heh. Actually, HAVE you ever had anyone fallen into a grave? My dad says it happens quite frequently! Also, do you do family funerals? My father does, although he usually doesn’t do the embalming himself. ---
**Author:** ![CoffinMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b9bd4f/32.png) [@CoffinMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CoffinMan)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2011, 6:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-funeral-director-whos-a-new-member-edited-title/584142/145 "2011-07-10T06:06:38Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > Heh. Actually, HAVE you ever had anyone fallen into a grave? My dad says it happens quite frequently! > > Also, do you do family funerals? My father does, although he usually doesn’t do the embalming himself. I have never personally witness anyone fall into an open grave, but have heard anecdotal evidence that makes it seem pretty common- for what that is worth. If by family funerals you mean arranging a funeral service for one of my actual family members, I have never had to do this. Personally, I think it might be more frutiful under those circumstances to step aside and have one of my collegues handle the arrangments since I think I would not be capable of dealing with it emotionally. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Great\_Cornholio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ed8c4c/32.png) [@The\_Great\_Cornholio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Great_Cornholio)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2011, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-funeral-director-whos-a-new-member-edited-title/584142/146 "2011-07-10T13:23:30Z")
> [@irishgirl](#): > > In the UK and Ireland Pallbearers actually carry the coffin on [their shoulders](http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-derbyshire-13708943). I was going to rebutt this claim after being denied the honour of bearing both my grandfathers at their funerals, some 15 years ago. I was told that it was against Health & Safety At Work Regs, so had to watch them wheeled in and out like garbage. However, I thought I’d check and find that it’s NOT against the law to bear a coffin if that’s so desired, though it is becoming rarer. > **[Coffin carrying is dying out](https://www.expressandstar.com/latest/2007/12/11/coffin-carrying-is-dying-out/)** > > Coffins are being wheeled into church on trolleys for funerals rather than the traditional method of being carried in by pallbearers due to health and safety fears. The trolleys are known as biers. I’m sitting here now, fuming, and am planning on kicking off at Sunday Lunch when I see my parents - both of them were aware of how important I felt that part was, and how I disrespected the funeral directors, thinking THEY were the Jobsworths who were putting the kibosh on it. I feel I may have been un-necessarily an arsehole to those chaps who otherwise did a good job and to whom I owe some apologies. One of the burials was about a mile away from the house where my grandfather had been laid out. I was happy (for want of a better word) that the cortege travelled with the funeral director walking ahead of the hearses through the village, and that people out shopping stood in respect until it had passed. At the cemetery, on a Welsh mountainside, a single raven honked and flew over. Perfect. In contrast, the other funeral set off at walking pace, but once all the cars were moving, the funeral director jumped in the motor and the cortege travelled slowly, approx 25mph. That didn’t please me too much, but that was in a busy English town, so I can understand why they had to move a little faster. Other funerals I have attended have had cars and hearses travelling at what I consider to be disrespectfully high speeds (ie. over about 25mph), the impression is given of undue haste to get the box in the dirt and off to the next job, though that may well just be me. Luckily, those examples have not been close family, else I would DEFINITELY have had strong words (of the “You. Outside. Now” variety) with the Funeral Director. Perhaps I am the arsehole client that CoffinMan dreads, but I am just someone who believes in following tradition, and casting aside all the modern-day hustle, bustle and conveyor belt mentality, just for that brief time as we say our farewells. When my loved ones are put to rest, I obviously think that the world, or certainly the town, should stop, or slow down to reflect and show respect. Of course, it’s a different story when _I’m_ the one held up behind some cretin walking a glass hearse pulled by black horses down the road, when I’m late for a meeting! Alas, no questions, not much for me to add to the thread, just my personal experience. I’m preparing to go and dig up (yeah yeah) issues from 15 years ago that family have possibly forgotten about. I haven’t… Oh, incidentally, I’d like a Sky Burial, but they don’t really go for those here in the UK! ---
**Author:** ![The\_Great\_Cornholio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ed8c4c/32.png) [@The\_Great\_Cornholio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Great_Cornholio)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2011, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-funeral-director-whos-a-new-member-edited-title/584142/147 "2011-07-10T13:36:41Z")
> [@CoffinMan](#): > > If by family funerals you mean arranging a funeral service for one of my actual family members, I have never had to do this. Personally, I think it might be more frutiful under those circumstances to step aside and have one of my collegues handle the arrangments since I think I would not be capable of dealing with it emotionally. The funeral of my Welsh grandfather was handled by his best friend (who I always called “Uncle”), who was the village Undertaker before he retired. Obviously, all the real work was done by the modern company, but Uncle E was there as the human face, greeting mourners, marshalling people around, running the show. This was a great source of comfort for me, it kept me together and made me feel my grandfather was in safe hands, rather than being “just another funeral”. Hopefully you won’t have the scenario of dealing with your own family, but if you do, your professional experience and bearing may be a significant comfort to other family members who are not used to funerals, even if they do not show it outwardly, however hard it may be for you yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2011, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-funeral-director-whos-a-new-member-edited-title/584142/148 "2011-07-10T19:29:52Z")
My dad has handled almost all of the family funerals (except for ones that aren’t in the area, like my maternal grandfather, for example). Do you ever have relatives who want to come into the morgue and be there while you embalm the body? (Note: here in PA, only licensed professionals are allowed in the morgue. Even I’VE never been in the one at my dad’s funeral home) ---
**Author:** ![guizot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guizot/32/3636_2.png) [@guizot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/guizot)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2011, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-funeral-director-whos-a-new-member-edited-title/584142/149 "2011-07-10T19:48:46Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > (Note: here in PA, only licensed professionals are allowed in the morgue. Even I’VE never been in the one at my dad’s funeral home) Hm. I spent many a slow night chewing the fat in the morgue with our embalmer as he worked. (In Oakland, California–and I wasn’t licensed, of course.) I don’t know if we were breaking any laws, but no one would ever have known the difference if we had been. Actually, we used the morgue as the caterers’ food preparation area for the big party the family held when the mortuary was shut down. After all, it was the only part of the whole building that had stainless steel counters and big sinks–like a kitchen, really. ---
**Author:** ![CoffinMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b9bd4f/32.png) [@CoffinMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CoffinMan)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2011, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-funeral-director-whos-a-new-member-edited-title/584142/150 "2011-07-11T03:47:40Z")
> [@guizot](#): > > Hm. I spent many a slow night chewing the fat in the morgue with our embalmer as he worked. (In Oakland, California–and I wasn’t licensed, of course.) I don’t know if we were breaking any laws, but no one would ever have known the difference if we had been. > > Actually, we used the morgue as the caterers’ food preparation area for the big party the family held when the mortuary was shut down. After all, it was the only part of the whole building that had stainless steel counters and big sinks–like a kitchen, really. I am not going to tell, but I am fairly certain that using the morgue for food prep is way against state regulations - and I wouldn’t want my food prepared there all the same. Not passing judgement against you, just saying! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![CoffinMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b9bd4f/32.png) [@CoffinMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CoffinMan)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2011, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-funeral-director-whos-a-new-member-edited-title/584142/151 "2011-07-11T03:49:51Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > My dad has handled almost all of the family funerals (except for ones that aren’t in the area, like my maternal grandfather, for example). > > Do you ever have relatives who want to come into the morgue and be there while you embalm the body? (Note: here in PA, only licensed professionals are allowed in the morgue. Even I’VE never been in the one at my dad’s funeral home) Same as in California - this would be against Health and Safety regulations. I would recomnmend against it even if it were not against regs. ---
**Author:** ![CoffinMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b9bd4f/32.png) [@CoffinMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CoffinMan)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2011, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-funeral-director-whos-a-new-member-edited-title/584142/152 "2011-07-11T03:51:35Z")
> [@The\_Great\_Cornholio](#): > > I was going to rebutt this claim after being denied the honour of bearing both my grandfathers at their funerals, some 15 years ago. I was told that it was against Health & Safety At Work Regs, so had to watch them wheeled in and out like garbage. > > However, I thought I’d check and find that it’s NOT against the law to bear a coffin if that’s so desired, though it is becoming rarer. > [Coffin carrying is dying out | Express & Star](http://www.expressandstar.com/latest/2007/12/11/coffin-carrying-is-dying-out/) > > I’m sitting here now, fuming, and am planning on kicking off at Sunday Lunch when I see my parents - both of them were aware of how important I felt that part was, and how I disrespected the funeral directors, thinking THEY were the Jobsworths who were putting the kibosh on it. I feel I may have been un-necessarily an arsehole to those chaps who otherwise did a good job and to whom I owe some apologies. > > One of the burials was about a mile away from the house where my grandfather had been laid out. I was happy (for want of a better word) that the cortege travelled with the funeral director walking ahead of the hearses through the village, and that people out shopping stood in respect until it had passed. At the cemetery, on a Welsh mountainside, a single raven honked and flew over. Perfect. > > In contrast, the other funeral set off at walking pace, but once all the cars were moving, the funeral director jumped in the motor and the cortege travelled slowly, approx 25mph. That didn’t please me too much, but that was in a busy English town, so I can understand why they had to move a little faster. > > Other funerals I have attended have had cars and hearses travelling at what I consider to be disrespectfully high speeds (ie. over about 25mph), the impression is given of undue haste to get the box in the dirt and off to the next job, though that may well just be me. Luckily, those examples have not been close family, else I would DEFINITELY have had strong words (of the “You. Outside. Now” variety) with the Funeral Director. > > Perhaps I am the arsehole client that CoffinMan dreads, but I am just someone who believes in following tradition, and casting aside all the modern-day hustle, bustle and conveyor belt mentality, just for that brief time as we say our farewells. When my loved ones are put to rest, I obviously think that the world, or certainly the town, should stop, or slow down to reflect and show respect. > > Of course, it’s a different story when _I’m_ the one held up behind some cretin walking a glass hearse pulled by black horses down the road, when I’m late for a meeting! > > Alas, no questions, not much for me to add to the thread, just my personal experience. I’m preparing to go and dig up (yeah yeah) issues from 15 years ago that family have possibly forgotten about. I haven’t… > > Oh, incidentally, I’d like a Sky Burial, but they don’t really go for those here in the UK! Sorry about the issues you faces with your relative’s services. Maybe you should share your concerns with the mortuary in writing - this might be something that they should know about. ---
**Author:** ![CoffinMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b9bd4f/32.png) [@CoffinMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CoffinMan)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2011, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-funeral-director-whos-a-new-member-edited-title/584142/153 "2011-07-11T03:52:53Z")
> [@The\_Great\_Cornholio](#): > > Hopefully you won’t have the scenario of dealing with your own family, but if you do, your professional experience and bearing may be a significant comfort to other family members who are not used to funerals, even if they do not show it outwardly, however hard it may be for you yourself. This is an interesting way to look at it - perhaps I may have to rethink my position on this. Thanks for your feebacK! ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2011, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-funeral-director-whos-a-new-member-edited-title/584142/154 "2011-07-11T04:42:34Z")
> [@Johnny\_L.A](#): > > My father was buried at sea. We could not attend the service aboard a Naval vessel on maneuvers. The Navy taped it for us. Likewise, since my dad was a prominent journalist, his network recorded his service for us, and I believe they broadcast part of it. (They also bused in a contingent of his colleagues from Toronto, and broadcast a lavish obituary of him on the national news. They were very kind to us indeed.) ---
**Author:** ![CoffinMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b9bd4f/32.png) [@CoffinMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CoffinMan)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2011, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-funeral-director-whos-a-new-member-edited-title/584142/155 "2011-07-11T04:54:16Z")
> [@matt\_mcl](#): > > Likewise, since my dad was a prominent journalist, his network recorded his service for us, and I believe they broadcast part of it. (They also bused in a contingent of his colleagues from Toronto, and broadcast a lavish obituary of him on the national news. They were very kind to us indeed.) It certainly can come as a great comfort to the bereaved to know that they are not alone in feeling a sense of loss, and it can also help to be able to reflect on this later by looking at condolences, reviewing the remembrances given at the funeral service, or even by simply looking at the reception book. I am sure you were comforted to know that so many people honored yur father in this manner. ---
**Author:** ![CoffinMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b9bd4f/32.png) [@CoffinMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CoffinMan)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2011, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-funeral-director-whos-a-new-member-edited-title/584142/156 "2011-07-11T05:13:18Z")
> [@The\_Great\_Cornholio](#): > > Perhaps I am the arsehole client that CoffinMan dreads, but I am just someone who believes in following tradition, and casting aside all the modern-day hustle, bustle and conveyor belt mentality, just for that brief time as we say our farewells. When my loved ones are put to rest, I obviously think that the world, or certainly the town, should stop, or slow down to reflect and show respect. BTW: Cornholio, you are very much in your right to want to follow tradition, and any funeral director who treats your loss as if it were just part of his daily routine should have his ass kicked. If you were in my town in the USA I would consider it to be an honor and a privilege to serve your family and I would try my very best to ensure that your loved ones are given the respect that they deserve and treated in the manner which you expect. Frankly, I would expect no less if I was on the other side of the arrangment table and it was my family member being laid to rest. ---
**Author:** ![guizot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guizot/32/3636_2.png) [@guizot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/guizot)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2011, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-funeral-director-whos-a-new-member-edited-title/584142/157 "2011-07-11T15:46:56Z")
> [@CoffinMan](#): > > I am not going to tell, but I am fairly certain that using the morgue for food prep is way against state regulations - and I wouldn’t want my food prepared there all the same. Not passing judgement against you, just saying! 🙂 Well, the mortuary had just been closed down (Actually, merged with the Miller mortuary on Telegraph Ave., so the physical facilities were no longer needed.) And I tell you, that party was quite a bash. Their family funeral business had been in the Oakland/Piedmont community for generations–the mortuary was packed with all kinds of high society. As an institution of the East Bay Irish community, you can imagine the celebration as a kind of wake for the business itself–a wake on turbo. ---
**Author:** ![CoffinMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b9bd4f/32.png) [@CoffinMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CoffinMan)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2011, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-funeral-director-whos-a-new-member-edited-title/584142/158 "2011-07-11T17:14:43Z")
> [@guizot](#): > > Well, the mortuary had just been closed down (Actually, merged with the Miller mortuary on Telegraph Ave., so the physical facilities were no longer needed.) > > And I tell you, that party was quite a bash. Their family funeral business had been in the Oakland/Piedmont community for generations–the mortuary was packed with all kinds of high society. As an institution of the East Bay Irish community, you can imagine the celebration as a kind of wake for the business itself–a wake on turbo. That makes sense- sounds like an epic party. Most folks don’t realize that funeral directors plan pretty elaborate and fun parties! ---
**Author:** ![omni-not](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8dc957/32.png) [@omni-not](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/omni-not)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2011, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-funeral-director-whos-a-new-member-edited-title/584142/159 "2011-07-11T18:38:40Z")
> [@Cicero](#): > > _groan_ 🙂 +1 ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2011, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-funeral-director-whos-a-new-member-edited-title/584142/160 "2011-07-12T00:40:24Z")
> [@guizot](#): > > Hm. I spent many a slow night chewing the fat in the morgue with our embalmer as he worked… Just a figure of speech, I’m hoping. mmm [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-funeral-director-whos-a-new-member-edited-title/584142.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-funeral-director-whos-a-new-member-edited-title/584142.md?page=9)