# Ask the Gay Guy III! **URL:** \ **Category:** Great Debates\ **Created:** [September 21, 2000, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iii/34021 "2000-09-21T17:33:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![vanilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f19dbf/32.png) [@vanilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vanilla)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2000, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iii/34021/41 "2000-09-22T15:09:51Z")
Did anyone get good reactions when they came out? Like your mom saying, “Oh I figured that already!”?? ---
**Author:** ![Freyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freyr/32/5763_2.png) [@Freyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freyr)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2000, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iii/34021/42 "2000-09-22T15:30:51Z")
\*\*Max the Immortal wrote: Can you tell me if there is a known cause of homosexuality? Genetic? Hormonal? Psychological? Is it known whether it is a (benign) disorder or simply a natural state?\*\* A one-word answer: **YES**. On a slightly more serious note, we’re just now discovering what influences someone’s personality, so our best guess is that a combination of factors, both genetic and enviromental can lead a person to homosexuality. To do the research to narrow down the factors would, unfortunately, violate the ethics rules regarding human research. 'Til we get a better idea of what shapes human personality, that’s the best answer we can give at this point. Is it a benign disorder? It’s not a disorder at all, according to the APA (American Psychiatric Association). They removed it from their listings back in 1974. From what I understand, they reached the conclusion it wasn’t a disorder in and of itself. Psychological/psychiatric problems that homosexuals experience come from society’s negative attitudes toward homosexuality. Let me see if I can dig up a cite on that. ---
**Author:** ![douglips](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@douglips](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/douglips)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2000, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iii/34021/43 "2000-09-22T15:59:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Badtz Maru \* > \*\*I don’t see a ‘Ask the Straight Guy I’ thread, much less an ‘Ask the Straight Guy III’. \*\* {ross} Every thread is an “Ask the Straight Guy” thread!! {/ross} ---
**Author:** ![John\_Kentzel-Griffin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ccd318/32.png) [@John\_Kentzel-Griffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Kentzel-Griffin)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2000, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iii/34021/44 "2000-09-22T17:39:29Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by \*\*\*vanilla \*\* > Did anyone get good reactions when they came out? > Like your mom saying, “Oh I figured that already!”?? I wrote a letter to my parents telling them in no uncertain terms that I was gay. I got back a letter from them written by Mamma. It was a very nice letter and I wish I still had it. The only line I remember was “We cannot say we are completely surprised.” (Gotta love Mamma.) Then I called my sister and told her. Her reaction was “Yeah, I know.”. She was not at all surprised either. Mom and Dad were very accepting, but try as they might, some things they just didn’t understand. A few years later, my sister came to visit me and I took her out to some gay bars. When she told Dad, there was a pause and he asked “Well, are you alright?” :rolleyes: I wish I knew what on earth he thought might happen. ---
**Author:** ![Freyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freyr/32/5763_2.png) [@Freyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freyr)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2000, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iii/34021/45 "2000-09-22T17:39:35Z")
I found the page. Go to [APA Homepage](http://www.psych.org/). Use the search engine there to search for _homosexuality_. You’ll come up with plenty of information. ---
**Author:** ![Mockingbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c68b51/32.png) [@Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mockingbird)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2000, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iii/34021/46 "2000-09-22T19:49:36Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Wildest Bill \* > \*\*Ok, > > I got one. How can y’all possible find a dude more attractive than a chic. While there some “decent” looking guys they just don’t compare to a girl. They(women) are softer than us, usually smell better, less hairy, more empathetic and have more fun things to have fun with than a guy has to be blunt. I know this is probably just my opinion as a hetrosexual but I really can’t even see how women find even find us guys attractive other than if they didn’t the earth probably wouldn’t be very populated. > > Second question. Why is that some homosexual men seem manly and others seem kind of feminine? > > \*\* 1. I don’t know a single woman who is in my life who wouldn’t find the term chic(sic) offensive. 2. It is nice for you that you feel that guys don’t compare to women. It isn’t that way for everyone. Isn’t diversity fun and interesting? 3. Men smell just fine. Quite fine. Very fine. Extra fine. Yee-ha. 4. When men eschew enculturated programming that dictates they have to be emotionally withdrawn and reserved, they are just fine and as warm and forthcoming as women. It’s quite liberating, you should try it. 5. Regarding women finding you attractive as a hetrosexual(sic) … some therapy could help you with your self-esteem problem so you could find emotional parity with your potential love objects. 6. Some men are more feminine or masculine in behaviour dependant on how their personality is. There is no rigid expectation of our behaviour, execept we’re supposed to be slutty by straight people’s perspectives. ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2000, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iii/34021/47 "2000-09-22T20:06:29Z")
Sheesh, do you guys even _need_ me anymore? 😉 Access to the internet has been limited the past few days, but I’m glad to see Part III is off to a good start. I’ll post some replies of my own shortly. Esprix ---
**Author:** ![andygirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a9adbd/32.png) [@andygirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andygirl)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2000, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iii/34021/48 "2000-09-22T20:40:27Z")
I remember when I realized I was gay. It was a bitter January day in 1992 and I was walking through Rehoboth, minding my own business. All of the sudden I was approached by a woman in flannel and Birkenstocks. I was strangely repulsed and attracted by her. As she walked towards me, she removed a small packet from her cargo pants. She caught my gaze. “Sweet child, do you know what a lesbian is?” “Um…” “Would you like to be one?” “Er…” “First I must sprinkle you with fairy dust,” she said before throwing powder onto my head. The next day in science class, I couldn’t help but notice that Sharon, the blond girl sitting next to me, was so… attractive… \ I realized it when I was about 12. I’d always felt sort of out of place, and one day I was sitting in science class thinking about how much I’d like to kiss the girl next to me. Then I realized, “wait… girl… girl… OH MY GOD.” Insert sexuality crisis, blah blah blah. I’ve had all kinds of reactions to coming out. My mom wasn’t thrilled- it took her four years to basically accept it. Lot of prayer involved there. My father, by the time I told him, had figured it out and dealt with it a long time ago. I lost some friends. Some friends came out to me themselves. Some people figured it out for themselves. I’mm at the point where I make the assumption that everyone knows- sometimes they don’t and wackiness ensues. I’m at the point where I’ve stopped caring why I’m gay. I just am. To be sure, I think there’s a very strong genetic component to it- I have several gay family members- but I’mm sure that it is, like most other things, a combination of genes and environment. ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2000, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iii/34021/49 "2000-09-22T21:03:20Z")
A couple of weeks ago I took my friend “Lisa” aside and asked her to please stop coming onto me because it was making me uncomfortable. (I am openly but quietly queer, she is straight – or at least claims to be.) At first she said that she flirted with everyone and didn’t mean anything by it. I gave her some specific examples of things she had said or done to me that seemed to go beyond friendly casual flirting. Once when she was drunk she even propositioned me. Lisa agreed that these things did seem a bit extreme, but claimed that she didn’t remember doing them. I didn’t quite believe this but was willing to take her word for it. Mostly I was just relieved that she didn’t cry or fly into a rage and try to kill me. I told her I was glad that the whole thing was a misunderstanding and even apologized in case I had embarrassed her. I thought that would be the end of that, but soon I noticed that Lisa was becoming increasingly hostile towards me. She started making derogatory comments about homosexuals in my presence, insulting me, and giving me “friendly” slaps when I said something she didn’t like. I was willing to write some of this off as her having a bad week, but the other day at lunch she really started ripping into me in front of several of our other friends. She summoned up the spectre of the disgusting unshaven lesbian and was generally behaving like an obnoxious adolescent instead of a grown woman in college. Our other friends were somewhat shocked to see Lisa saying such mean things to me and asked her to stop. She made some feeble excuse about having trouble with her new medication and refused to apologize or even admit that she was doing anything wrong. Needless to say I was upset by all this and have been avoiding Lisa as much as possible ever since. I even backed out of previous social engagements so I wouldn’t have to see her. I am afraid that this will soon become very awkward. Lisa and I were never especially close but we have many of the same friends and are members of some of the same student organizations. Now that I’ve told my lengthy tale, I have two questions for the Gay Guy and Company: 1. Do you think Lisa is a closet case, a garden variety homophobe, or simply an unpleasant person? and 1. Is it worth trying to patch things up with her, and if so, how should I go about doing this? ---
**Author:** ![vix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a88e4f/32.png) [@vix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vix)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2000, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iii/34021/50 "2000-09-22T21:11:14Z")
This isn’t a question, but I’d like to say that as a bi gal, I’m really happy to see how many l/g/b folk there are at STMB. Didn’t know that when I started reading, but it’s a great perk! ---
**Author:** ![andygirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a9adbd/32.png) [@andygirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andygirl)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2000, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iii/34021/51 "2000-09-22T21:18:57Z")
Lamia, I have a similar tale. Back in the pre-quietgirl days, I was rather… well, i wanted a girlfriend, damn it. There was a girl down the road who I’d know for quite some time, and she started giving me rides home. We ended up spending a lot of time together, and we ended up doing some heavy flirting. One night we went to a movie. We held hands throughout it, and it was very obvious that I was coming on to her. she was reciprocating, and my mind was reeling at the prospect of a girlfriend. When she dropped me off, I asked her if this was the part where I kissed her goodnight. We did one of those closed mouth two second kisses. The next day, she avoided me. When I confronted her, she accused me of making her gay and wanting her to be gay. she didn’t speak to me at all after that. I scared her. She scared herself. Some people just can’t deal with it. I had that situation happen to me more than once. Damn, it sucks being burned… So, based on what you’re said, I would think that Lisa is lashing out against what she possibly sees in herself. I would say that she’s got some issues going on, but she has to deal with them herself. Let her come to you. ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2000, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iii/34021/52 "2000-09-22T21:20:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Lamia \* > **1. Do you think Lisa is a closet case, a garden variety homophobe, or simply an unpleasant person?** Yes, yes, and yes. And Catholic, too, I’ll bet a buck. and > [@](#): > > _continued_ > **2. Is it worth trying to patch things up with her, and if so, how should I go about doing this?** I should think this would be obvious. Get her drunk and do her. It’s inevitable. ---
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2000, 10:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iii/34021/53 "2000-09-22T22:36:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by vix \* > \*\*This isn’t a question, but I’d like to say that as a bi gal, I’m really happy to see how many l/g/b folk there are at SDMB. Didn’t know that when I started reading, but it’s a great perk! \*\* vix, dearie, you’re supposed to be over in [Ask Bi Guy!](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=23013) Just kidding, of course we’d love some new blood but you can stay here with all the unbalanced people if you want. _wink_ ---
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2000, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iii/34021/54 "2000-09-22T22:39:28Z")
I feel that I should clarify that I meant the gay folks are _sexually_ unbalanced, in the sense of a teeter-totter leaning all the way to one side, and not _mentally_ unbalanced. Just in case you’re all lighting the charcoal briquettes. ---
**Author:** ![Wildest\_Bill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Wildest\_Bill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wildest_Bill)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2000, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iii/34021/55 "2000-09-22T22:47:29Z")
\*Originally posted by Hastur \* > [@](#): > > 1. I don’t know a single woman who is in my life who wouldn’t find the term chic(sic) offensive. Oh come on get over it. “Chic” is just another term for girls. Did you notice that I referred to guys as “dudes.” And I can find plenty of “girls” that don’t mind being referred to as “chics”. It is just a term from my generation. It is not meant to be offensive at all. > [@](#): > > 1. Regarding women finding you attractive as a hetrosexual(sic) … some therapy could help you with your self-esteem problem so you could find emotional parity with your potential love objects. What is this comment suppose to mean? And I don’t need to got to no shrink. Been there done that. If I am having emotional problems, I would rather talk to my friends and family(or nice people on the internet)and they don’t charge me $100/hr to listen. > [@](#): > > 1. Some men are more feminine or masculine in behaviour dependant on how their personality is. There is no rigid expectation of our behaviour, execept we’re supposed to be slutty by straight people’s perspectives. I have no idea what you are talking about here either. ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2000, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iii/34021/56 "2000-09-23T01:45:51Z")
Dear Gay guy, I like to go out. I like to go out with my straight friends and my gay friends. Gay guys are super fun. My question is: Why do many of my gay guy friends call me a “fag hag”? I find it vaguely insulting. Is it meant to be insulting? For **DrMatrix** : I can’t even imagining you going out with a girl. Heck, I can’t imagine you without CajunMan! ---
**Author:** ![andygirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a9adbd/32.png) [@andygirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andygirl)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2000, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iii/34021/57 "2000-09-23T01:55:47Z")
It’s more of a term of endearment. If it offends, ask them to call you a fruit fly. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2000, 6:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iii/34021/58 "2000-09-23T06:48:29Z")
Biggirl: none of my female friends find it insulting; my guess is that your gay friends are using it as a term of high honour and endearment. However, if it truly discomfits you, by all means ask them to call you something else. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Griffin-Kentzel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_griffin-kentzel/32/14787_2.png) [@Larry\_Griffin-Kentzel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Griffin-Kentzel)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2000, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iii/34021/59 "2000-09-23T22:15:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by **andygirl** \* > It’s more of a term of endearment. If it offends, ask them to call you a fruit fly. 😉 My girl friend, **Oliver** , insists on being referred to as a **fruit fly**. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2000, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iii/34021/60 "2000-09-24T03:09:25Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Chef Troy \* > \*\*I feel that I should clarify that I meant the gay folks are _sexually_ unbalanced, in the sense of a teeter-totter leaning all the way to one side, and not _mentally_ unbalanced. Just in case you’re all lighting the charcoal briquettes. \*\* I’m very sexually balanced. I like butches _and_ femmes. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iii/34021.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iii/34021.md?page=4)