# Ask the Gay Guy IV! **URL:** \ **Category:** Great Debates\ **Created:** [April 23, 2001, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iv/63014 "2001-04-23T17:04:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 16
**Author:** ![JillGat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9fc29f/32.png) [@JillGat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JillGat)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2002, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iv/63014/301 "2002-06-19T19:33:45Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Esprix \* > \*\*Mayhap our dear **Jillgat** would be more appropos for such statistics, _n’est-ce pas_? > > Esprix \*\* What kind of statistics do you want? The prevalence of HIV varies hugely in different populations. Some gay male communities are still be ravaged by HIV disease - those living with HIV and those newly being infected (in my part of the country, it’s always been and continues to be that 75% of the infected population is men who have sex with men). In some parts of the country, HIV is exploding in injection drug users and particularly African Americans. To really get a specific break-down, go to [www.cdc.gov](http://www.cdc.gov). Otherwise, there is no simple way to break it down for the US as a whole. ---
**Author:** ![JillGat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9fc29f/32.png) [@JillGat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JillGat)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2002, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iv/63014/302 "2002-06-19T21:24:44Z")
Well shoot. I just wrote up a long response to an earlier question in this thread and it didn’t post. The nerve. The question was whether it’s true that insertive anal sex (being on top) is less risky than receptive anal sex (bottom). Or something like that. Generally speaking, yes, the one receiving the semen internally is more at risk than the one producing it. First an anecdote: a good friend of mine was always the anally insertive partner (he tells me), and he became infected with HIV. He knew this wasn’t a risk-free activity, but he assumed it would be “less risky” (and we all make various such cost/benefit risk analyses when it comes to health behavior, because we’re in denial or horny or whatever). His receptive (bottom) partner had contracted syphilis though, and for several reasons, HIV is much more easily spread when there is another infection like syphilis present. So he got HIV and syphilis from his bottom partner. But there is another, at least equally - if not more important question - to ask here. _“What are the chances that my sex partner is HIV positive?”_ If you _know_ your partner is HIV+, there are plenty of pretty safe, satisfying sexual activities you can engage in. If you _don’t know_ the status of your partner, well then it’s probably best to assume s/he is HIV+. Okay, okay, I know, I know that it’s impossible to really know for sure… but just for the sake of stating an important fact here: \*if you and your sex partner are both HIV negative, you can perform any kind of sex act you want: receptive/insertive/blood-letting/etc., and you will be _completely safe_, at least from HIV transmission. This sounds like an obvious point, but to hear most prevention educators talk, you’d think the behavior _creates_ the virus or that it’s God’s punishment, etc. What I’m saying is that there are several strategies you can take to reduce your risk of acquiring HIV infection. Condoms are not the ONLY one. I’m not saying it’s 100% (but neither are condoms or seatbelts or flossing or anything else and you still gotta LIVE, man). No one can tell you accurately WHAT your EXACT risk for getting HIV is. But if you have sex with dozens of strangers a month that you meet in the bar, you are probably at higher risk for HIV than someone who has serial, mutually monogamous relationships - even if your partners occasionally cheat on you - if you know at the beginning that you and your friend are HIV negative. Hope this makes sense. If it doesn’t post, I’m gonna spank the first moderator I see! Jill ---
**Author:** ![JillGat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9fc29f/32.png) [@JillGat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JillGat)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2002, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iv/63014/303 "2002-06-19T23:57:49Z")
Okay, so it posted this time. But I’m _still_ gonna spank the next moderator I see. Pants down, with no gloves. Jill (whispering fervently, I hope it’s Ukulele Ike, I hope it’s Ukulele Ike!") ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2002, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iv/63014/304 "2002-06-20T01:29:21Z")
**Jill** , you are truly fabulous. I’m going to point all the naysayers here. Esprix ---
**Author:** ![SisterCoyote](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/958977/32.png) [@SisterCoyote](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SisterCoyote)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2002, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iv/63014/305 "2002-06-20T03:35:03Z")
Yes, thanks, **Jill**. ---
**Author:** ![Jerevan\_Somerville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@Jerevan\_Somerville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jerevan_Somerville)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2002, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iv/63014/306 "2002-06-20T14:48:09Z")
…but what’s this about spanking the moderator? Shouldn’t that be done over in **Cafe Society**? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![JillGat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9fc29f/32.png) [@JillGat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JillGat)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2002, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iv/63014/307 "2002-06-20T15:13:47Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Jerevan Somerville \* > \*\*…but what’s this about spanking the moderator? Shouldn’t that be done over in **Cafe Society**? 😉 \*\* Cafe Society… the Gay Guy thread… pants-down spankings are appropriate anywhere, in my book. Jill ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2002, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iv/63014/308 "2002-06-20T15:26:49Z")
Is “spanking the moderator” another euphemism for masturbation? ---
**Author:** ![JillGat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9fc29f/32.png) [@JillGat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JillGat)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2002, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iv/63014/309 "2002-06-20T15:40:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by tracer \* > \*\*Is “spanking the moderator” another euphemism for masturbation? \*\* In this case it might as well be, because I haven’t had an opportunity to get my hands on Ike yet. ---
**Author:** ![Jerevan\_Somerville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@Jerevan\_Somerville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jerevan_Somerville)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2002, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iv/63014/310 "2002-06-20T19:43:47Z")
OK, I think that’s enough sharing for one day! ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2002, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iv/63014/311 "2002-06-20T21:41:27Z")
We’re all about the love (in whatever form it might take)… Esprix ---
**Author:** ![seawitch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a587f6/32.png) [@seawitch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/seawitch)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2002, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iv/63014/312 "2002-06-21T19:17:50Z")
I’m not sure this is an ATGG question; I am sure, however, that the folks who are most likely to know the answer to this are regular posters to this thread. Besides, this is one of my bookmarked favorite threads. So here goes: Dear Gay Guy: I find myself convinced that gender identity is a spectrum, with a wide range of identities rather than a simple male/female option. As somewhat of a “tomboy” type, I assume that I’d fall closer to the center of the scale than a classic girly-girl would. In fact, as a very young girl, I was convinced I would grow up to be a boy. I’ve heard of (and tried simple forms of) the Kinsey tests, showing where sexual preference lies along the spectrum; are there any similar tests for gender identity? My searches for research sites have turned up so very much stuff that I’m at a loss as to where to begin. I’d like to enlighten myself. Where to start? Sincerely, Seawitch ---
**Author:** ![JillGat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9fc29f/32.png) [@JillGat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JillGat)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2002, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iv/63014/313 "2002-06-21T20:08:46Z")
Seawitch - interesting question. As you know, sexual orientation and gender identity are two very different things. Witness the transgender persons who identify with AND are attracted to the opposite sex (not _that_ uncommon for a male-to-female transsexual to be a lesbian… don’t know of any female-to-male gay men, though…). There are certain traits that are generally identified as being masculine and others as feminine. There would be little debate about certain traits being identified with certain genders. But what about: cooking, gardening, gossiping, shopping, crying, being athletic, vain, affectionate, aggressive, fearless, adventurous, science-minded, horny, artistic, liking to drive fast, parent children, etc. etc… I always wonder - which of these are in-born gender-linked and which of these are just loosely associated with gender (and varying by culture/time in history)? When I was little, I wished I was a boy, too. But look at the cartoons, movies and books of the day (and to some degree even today), and duh. Who wouldn’t rather be male? Females in those media were only there to be mothers or love interests for the male star who had all the adventures. They never did anything else of interest. ---
**Author:** ![seawitch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a587f6/32.png) [@seawitch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/seawitch)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2002, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iv/63014/314 "2002-06-22T01:48:44Z")
For me at least, it was less wanting to be a boy than it was assuming I would grow up male. I’m perfectly happy with how things turned out, but I still have some behaviors and hobbies that many would call “typically male”. (Compound miter saw, anyone?) In reading some of the earlier posts (and earlier volumes of ATGG) I did run across interesting posts from transgender posters; and it did seem that gender and sexual orientation were very seperate issues for them. I saw a clear distinction between, say, a MTF transsexual who now dates women (identifying as a gay woman) and a straight man. I’d guess that I’d fall mid-scale on a gender identity chart, leaning toward female. I just hoped for some hard data - I haven’t found any, and I lack the skills to make my own analysis. ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2002, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iv/63014/315 "2002-06-22T02:27:13Z")
Who ever said sexuality and gender were black and white? Even Kinsey had a scale. Nature, too, runs on a bell curve. Fluidity - and uncertainty - frighten mainstream America, so they want to box everyone and everything up, neatly pigeonholed. Here’s to breaking the mold, kid. 😉 Esprix ---
**Author:** ![JillGat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9fc29f/32.png) [@JillGat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JillGat)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2002, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iv/63014/316 "2002-06-22T02:58:06Z")
[[I’d guess that I’d fall mid-scale on a gender identity chart, leaning toward female. I just hoped for some hard data - I haven’t found any, and I lack the skills to make my own analysis.]] That’s because you have too much estrogen to properly search the internet. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![LolaBaby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d2c977/32.png) [@LolaBaby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LolaBaby)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2002, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iv/63014/317 "2002-08-30T02:49:38Z")
Ok, **Esprix** here goes: In this thread [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=132930](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=132930) , you said you “just know” the cute co-worker is gay. How do you “just know”? And no “you just _know_ (wink, wink)” answer…I’m not letting you off that easy. 😃 And as another added thought, have you ever tried to drop the hint with someone who you “just knew” was gay, then come to find out you were wrong? What happened then? ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2002, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iv/63014/318 "2002-08-30T05:28:44Z")
Well, let’s see - on the third day on the job he had to help give a presentation to the entire department. They gave him a chart to hold, and he said, “I guess I’m Vanna White today.” _DING!_ He’s rather… friendly towards me. More friendly than any other male co-workers. More friendly than any other straight male co-worker I’ve ever had. As friendly as, say, my gay friends. _DING!_ He’s hardly butch. Granted, not a _dead_ giveaway, but still… _DING!_ And, well… you just _know_ (wink, wink) 😃 Esprix ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2002, 5:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iv/63014/319 "2002-08-30T05:30:36Z")
Oh, and my radar sucks - they have to be pretty fairly blatant before they even make a ping, and by that time they’ve usually got their tongue down my throat. And boy, that was embarassing when I found out I was wrong about them! ( 😉 ) Seriously, the very few times I’ve thought so, I was right, because it was obvious to blind field mice with speech impediments and the IQ of a corn cob. It’s the ones that I don’t see that always end up taking me by surprise. :eek: Esprix ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2002, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iv/63014/320 "2002-08-30T06:37:58Z")
As for the not-butch thing… although it’s certainly true that not all, or even most, gay people are femme… an awful lot of femme guys are gay. I’ve speculated in the past that it might just be easier for gay guys to be femme if they want (not to hear _some_ people tell it… :evil look at the ‘no fats femmes or druggies’ crowd…) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iv/63014.md?page=15) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy-iv/63014.md?page=17)