# Ask the Gay Guy! **URL:** \ **Category:** Great Debates\ **Created:** [March 2, 2000, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy/18100 "2000-03-02T17:53:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 10
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2000, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy/18100/181 "2000-03-22T20:01:00Z")
Awright, Quadell/Sqrlcub/et al., where do you people get off posting all this bi-themed content in “Ask the GAY guy”? Esprix already has more than twice as many posts in his thread as I have in mine anyway…I could use a little consideration. _sniffle_ don’t you guys CARE? _breaks down and sobs theatrically_ Come back, folks…I need lots of attention. [http://boards.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum7/HTML/001515.html](http://boards.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum7/HTML/001515.html) * * * Live a Lush Life Da Chef ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2000, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy/18100/182 "2000-03-22T20:18:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by quadell: > > Is there really a sizable percentage of gay males who don’t have anal sex? I have no clue, but I think it’s safe to say that there is _some_ percentage that doesn’t (I mean, to some people it just _hurts_, no matter how pleasurable it is to others). If I run across any stats (probably from an AIDS organization survey or something) I’ll let you know. Esprix * * * [Ask the Gay Guy!](http://boards.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum7/HTML/001376.html) ---
**Author:** ![andros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e480ec/32.png) [@andros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andros)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2000, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy/18100/183 "2000-03-22T21:34:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Worf/Wesley (ew!) I’d like to second that “EW!” And further, > [@](#): > > “On Klingon, we do not ‘fist’ - we ‘head.’” I don’t think I can yell this loudly enough: **EWWWWWWWW!!!** -andros- ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2000, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy/18100/184 "2000-03-22T21:36:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by andros: > > I don’t think I can yell this loudly enough: **EWWWWWWWW!!!** What do you think those ridges are for? TURTLE-HEADS! Esprix * * * [Ask the Gay Guy!](http://boards.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum7/HTML/001376.html) ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2000, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy/18100/185 "2000-03-22T21:41:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by andros: > > I don’t think I can yell this loudly enough: **EWWWWWWWW!!!** What do you think those ridges are for? (“Ridged for his… and her pleasure!”) TURTLE-HEADS! Esprix * * * [Ask the Gay Guy!](http://boards.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum7/HTML/001376.html) ---
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2000, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy/18100/186 "2000-03-22T22:40:00Z")
heh heh, thought you could stop that post and edit it, didn’t you? UBB stands for “unstoppable, big boy!” * * * Live a Lush Life Da Chef ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2000, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy/18100/187 "2000-03-23T00:15:00Z")
“big boy”? You flirt! ---
**Author:** ![neuro-trash\_grrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3ab097/32.png) [@neuro-trash\_grrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/neuro-trash_grrrl)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2000, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy/18100/188 "2000-03-23T01:07:00Z")
KarmaComa wrote: > [@](#): > > a) She has told me a couple of times (in extreme drunkenness) that she was pretty sure she was bisexual (as opposed to straight). That seems a far cry with being a lesbian. > > b) Her lesbianism mysteriously coincides with the the strong-left pro-gay protest-anything-we-can-find crowd she recently started hanging around with. > > c) (what the hell, 3 points) My friend saw her and her girlfriend kissing on the bus. Not a smooch, but kissing. I mean, come on, this is what 15 year olds do when they want everyone on the bus to know they have a girlfriend, not what mature 20 year olds do, regardless of their orientation. First off, I would like to say that sexuality is a spectrum, not three distinct bins labeled “straight”, “gay”, and “bi”. A lot of things are just matters of interpretation and definition, deciding where you are on the spectrum and finding an appropriate label. I call myself a lesbian, because I prefer to have sex with women, I find women in general more attractive than men in general, and all of my teenage crushes were on other girls. I don’t know your friend, but it sounds to me like all she’s doing is tweaking her definition. In fact, this sounds like what I was talking about in my last post, except instead of being fed up with men, she’s trying to impress people. It is entirely possible that your friend has always been attracted to women to a certain degree- more than likely, in fact. Now, my question. Did your friend “come out” to you, as it were, as a bisexual before or after she started hanging with her leftist friends? If it happened afterward, it sounds like she started calling herself a lesbian for the reasons you describe, and now has doubts about how hard-core she wants to be. If it happened beforehand, it is still possible that it is a matter of definitions, but it is equally possible that she was coming to terms with her feelings. Your third point doesn’t really signify much either way. Your interpretation is possible, but it is also possible that a moment of passion erupted in a public place, a tide of feeling that both parties were helpless to resist. What can I say, it happens. I know that if and when I finally find Ms. Right, the community at large will have to brace itself for some serious Public Displays of Affection. My fourth point: What difference does it make to you? And more importantly, why does my opinion matter? (I know you asked for Esprix’s opinion, not mine, but still…) It’s pretty obvious to me that you already have your own take on the situation. What difference could my opinion make? Would you be any more or any less concerned if she suddenly declared herself to be, say, a socialist? I’m not accusing you of anything, I’m just extremely curious to know what, excatly, it is that you want to know. * * * Heck is where you go when you don’t believe in Gosh. ---
**Author:** ![Riboflavin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f1d935/32.png) [@Riboflavin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Riboflavin)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2000, 6:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy/18100/189 "2000-03-23T06:23:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Sure. No matter how thin you slice it, it’s still wrong, just like kids getting beat up for being black, or Asian, or a woman, or Jewish, or whatever. Trying to trivialize any kind of hate-motivated action as “what kids do” is fairly insulting. I suppose it would be insulting if someone were to do such a thing, but I didn’t. I simply objected to trying to categorize ‘getting bullied as a child’ with something like the Matthew Sheppard case. > [@](#): > > Of course bigger kids will pick on weaker kids with little provocation to do so, but when the intent of the bigger kid is to single someone out because of a specific trait, I’d say there’s a definite problem there. It’s a definate problem that’s been around for a long time and isn’t some sort of unique phenomenon related to gayness per-se. The problem of school bullying is qualitatively different than the problem of adults seeking out and attacking people because of their homosexuality. The most striking difference is that for the most part you don’t have adult men seeking out geeks, uncoordinated people, etc. to beat them up, which is what I had originally had the impression that gay-bashing referred to. > [@](#): > > Your insensitivity amazes me. I’m not being insensitive at all; in fact, what you actually appear to not like is that I’m too sensitive to the dishonest language being employed. If someone all it takes for someone to qualify as a victim of gay-bashing is to have gotten in a fight once in Junior High, then I have a really hard time taking the alleged ‘victim status’ seriously. > [@](#): > > When I get the chance, I’ll post some hate crimes statistics for you (unless Otto or SqrlCub has them handy). What relevance would that have? You already said that being bullied in school qualifies as ‘gay-bashing’ by your definition (and, apparently, the one in widespread use). I suppose you can now define all instances of bullying as ‘hate crimes’, but that would seem to massively dilute the meaning of the term ‘hate crime’. ## Just to clarify - I think that both bullying and what I originally though gay-bashing referred to are Bad Things, but I think that referring to them as though they were the exact same phenomenon is rather silly. Kevin Allegood, “At least one could get something through Trotsky’s skull.” - Joseph Michael Bay ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2000, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy/18100/190 "2000-03-23T15:22:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by Riboflavin: > > I simply objected to trying to categorize ‘getting bullied as a child’ with something like the Matthew Sheppard case. I’m not sure who or what instances you’re referring to, but I doubt anyone would equate getting beat up in high school to the murder of Matthew Sheppard; however, they are both serious crimes that need specific solutions. > [@](#): > > The problem of school bullying is qualitatively different than the problem of adults seeking out and attacking people because of their homosexuality. The most striking difference is that for the most part you don’t have adult men seeking out geeks, uncoordinated people, etc. to beat them up, which is what I had originally had the impression that gay-bashing referred to. If you’re in high school and someone beats you up _because you are gay_, I don’t see how this is any different than if you are walking along the street and someone beats you up _because you are gay_. If someone says this happened to them, I don’t understand how this is disingenious, dishonest, or why you have a problem with it. Whether they are 17 or 107, they have been physically assaulted solely on the basis of their sexual orientation. Is it that you are saying bullies bully everyone and are equal opportunity about it? OK, I’ll agree with that - bullies are bullies. But what if, while they’re pounding someone’s head with their fists, they are calling them “faggot” and “cocksucker?” > [@](#): > > I’m not being insensitive at all; in fact, what you actually appear to not like is that I’m too sensitive to the dishonest language being employed. What I don’t like is that it matters to you. What matters to me is someone just got beaten up - I don’t really care what you want to call it. > [@](#): > > If someone all it takes for someone to qualify as a victim of gay-bashing is to have gotten in a fight once in Junior High, then I have a really hard time taking the alleged ‘victim status’ seriously. How are they any _less_ a victim because it happened in high school? > [@](#): > > What relevance would {hate crime statistics} have? Maybe to point out to you that it isn’t as innocent a problem as you think it is. IIRC, hate crime statistics include juvenile crime. > [@](#): > > Just to clarify - I think that both bullying and what I originally though gay-bashing referred to are Bad Things, but I think that referring to them as though they were the exact same phenomenon is rather silly. “Silly?” I know people who were beaten up, harassed or taunted weekly, if not daily, in high school because people thought or knew they were gay, making their teen years unbearable (at least one attempted suicide). My, how silly that I should call that “gay-bashing.” My wonderful friend Randy was shot in the head on Christmas Eve because he was gay, and when they found his decomposed body six months later on a riverbank they could only identify him by his dental records. My, how silly that I should call that “gay-bashing.” Are they the same crime? Of course not. Are they both completely intolerable? Yes. They’re both hate crimes - one would be lawfully classified as harassment or assault, the other as murder - and they’re both gay-bashing. Of course words have power, and I see your point, but I don’t understand why you have such a problem with it, or why it even matters. If it helps you, think of the term “gay-bashing” as a broader term than just “beating someone to a pulp because they’re gay.” I don’t see how this is dishonest. Esprix * * * [Ask the Gay Guy!](http://boards.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum7/HTML/001376.html) ---
**Author:** ![StGermain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stgermain/32/2868_2.png) [@StGermain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StGermain)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2000, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy/18100/191 "2000-03-24T06:10:00Z")
**Gay Guy** - Okay, down to the nitty gritty. I want to know if my vet is gay. I thought maybe he was flirting with me, but I’m flirting-impaired. I don’t want to put my foot in it if he is, but want to ask him out if her isn’t. And it’s hard enough for me to ask him if he is - I want to minimize my rejection probablity. Why can’t you guys just wear a “Don’t bother, ladies - I’m gay” sign, or something? It would make things so much easier for both you and for women. 🙂 StG ---
**Author:** ![StGermain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stgermain/32/2868_2.png) [@StGermain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StGermain)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2000, 6:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy/18100/192 "2000-03-24T06:12:00Z")
**Ack!** - Make that “Ask him as it is”, not if he is. Sheesh. StG ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2000, 6:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy/18100/193 "2000-03-24T06:34:00Z")
If you want to ask him out, go ahead. If he turns you down it doesn’t mean he’s gay, though. I’m sure there are all kinds of reasons men have for turning down dates with you. \ And if he is gay, send him over this way. ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2000, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy/18100/194 "2000-03-23T19:33:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by StGermain: > > \*\ ***Gay Guy** - > > … I want to know if my vet is gay. I thought maybe he was flirting with me, but I’m flirting-impaired. I don’t want to put my foot in it if he is, but want to ask him out if her isn’t. And it’s hard enough for me to ask him if he is - I want to minimize my rejection probablity. Honey, life is risk - get over it. Ask him with the knowledge that if he’s gay, he’ll very politely say no, and that obviously has nothing to do with you (although I would be surprised if he actually came out and told you he was gay, but he might); if he’s straight, he might still turn you down, but that also really has absolutely nothing to do with _you_ - maybe he’s only into girls who don’t own pets, who knows, but it’s his decision, and probably his loss :), so chalk it up to experience and get on with your life (and if it makes you that uncomfortable, make sure you have a new vet in mind); and guess what? He might actually say YES! > [@](#): > > Why can’t you guys just wear a “Don’t bother, ladies - I’m gay” sign, or something? It would make things so much easier for both you and for women. 🙂 Hey, some people do. Some gay guys will wear a ring on their wedding finger when they go out places (although I don’t know of anyone who does, I’ve heard it’s been done), or, not so subtly, look for rainbow stickers - dead giveaway. 🙂 Esprix * * * [Ask the Gay Guy!](http://boards.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum7/HTML/001376.html) ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2000, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy/18100/195 "2000-03-23T19:40:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by StGermain: > > \*\ ***Gay Guy** - > > … I want to know if my vet is gay. I thought maybe he was flirting with me, but I’m flirting-impaired. I don’t want to put my foot in it if he is, but want to ask him out if her isn’t. And it’s hard enough for me to ask him if he is - I want to minimize my rejection probablity. Honey, life is risk - get over it. Ask him with the knowledge that if he’s gay, he’ll very politely say no, and that obviously has nothing to do with you (although I would be surprised if he actually came out and told you he was gay, but he might); if he’s straight, he might still turn you down, but that also really has absolutely nothing to do with _you_ - maybe he’s only into girls who don’t own pets, who knows, but it’s his decision, and probably his loss :), so chalk it up to experience and get on with your life (and if it makes you that uncomfortable, make sure you have a new vet in mind); and guess what? He might actually say YES! Besides, if you really think he’s flirting with you, what have you got to lose? > [@](#): > > Why can’t you guys just wear a “Don’t bother, ladies - I’m gay” sign, or something? It would make things so much easier for both you and for women. 🙂 Hey, some people do. Some gay guys will wear a ring on their wedding finger when they go out places (although I don’t know of anyone who does, I’ve heard it’s been done), or, not so subtly, look for rainbow stickers - dead giveaway. 🙂 Esprix * * * [Ask the Gay Guy!](http://boards.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum7/HTML/001376.html) ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2000, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy/18100/196 "2000-03-23T20:04:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by StGermain: > > \*\ ***Gay Guy** - > > … I want to know if my vet is gay. I thought maybe he was flirting with me, but I’m flirting-impaired. I don’t want to put my foot in it if he is, but want to ask him out if her isn’t. And it’s hard enough for me to ask him if he is - I want to minimize my rejection probablity. Honey, life is risk - get over it. Ask him with the knowledge that if he’s gay, he’ll very politely say no, and that obviously has nothing to do with you (although I would be surprised if he actually came out and told you he was gay, but he might); if he’s straight, he might still turn you down, but that also really has absolutely nothing to do with _you_ - maybe he’s only into girls who don’t own pets, who knows, but it’s his decision, and probably his loss :), so chalk it up to experience and get on with your life (and if it makes you that uncomfortable, make sure you have a new vet in mind); and guess what? He might actually say YES! Besides, if you really think he’s flirting with you, what have you got to lose? > [@](#): > > Why can’t you guys just wear a “Don’t bother, ladies - I’m gay” sign, or something? It would make things so much easier for both you and for women. 🙂 Hey, some people do. Some gay guys will wear a ring on their wedding finger when they go out places (although I don’t know of anyone who does, I’ve heard it’s been done), or, not so subtly, look for rainbow stickers - dead giveaway. 🙂 Esprix * * * [Ask the Gay Guy!](http://boards.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum7/HTML/001376.html) ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2000, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy/18100/197 "2000-03-23T20:40:00Z")
Test post… ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2000, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy/18100/198 "2000-03-23T20:45:00Z")
Test post… ---
**Author:** ![Sassy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@Sassy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sassy)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2000, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy/18100/199 "2000-03-23T21:02:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by Otto: > **I’m sure there are all kinds of reasons men have for turning down dates with you. \** was that neccessary? ---
**Author:** ![Alpine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alpine/32/17813_2.png) [@Alpine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alpine)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2000, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy/18100/200 "2000-03-24T00:27:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by Esprix: > some lesbians I know are kind of _mysogynistic_, so it tends to color their view of the world. (italics mine) Doesn’t anyone have a cute remark to make? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy/18100.md?page=9) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-gay-guy/18100.md?page=11)