# Ask the Girl in the Wheelchair **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 19, 2012, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436 "2012-05-19T16:21:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2012, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/21 "2012-05-19T20:52:40Z")
> [@Musicat](#): > > I’m interested in the meaning/origin of that term. Does that mean only the “high” (upper body) functions are operable, or something else? “High” quadriplegic is not a technical term, that I’m aware. But it’s commonly used to refer to a person who is injured at the 4th cervical vertebra or higher. ([Here’s](http://www.apparelyzed.com/support/functionality/c4.html) my injury level). I wish it meant that the upper body functions are operable, but it’s the opposite. The higher up the spinal column the damage to the cord is, the more body functions are affected. Makes sense, right? ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2012, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/22 "2012-05-19T21:01:50Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Would you ever consider dating another wheelchair user? (No, I’m not hitting on her lol) LOL. 😉 Honestly, at my level of injury, it’s super convenient to stick to dating AB people. Is that lame? It’s not that I’ve never been attracted to anyone else in a wheelchair, but the logistics give me a headache. And dating someone who has the same level of injury as me? That’s crazytown. We’d never have any privacy and we’d have to hire some kind of sex worker to assist us in the bedroom. Maybe two. :o My turn: Would you? ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2012, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/23 "2012-05-19T21:10:44Z")
> [@gracer](#): > > What is everyday life? Work, study, trying to take over the world? > > My BIL is doing a Masters in medical industrial design, and he invents things like super-awesome-space-technology wheelchairs (well, that’s what I imagine he does anyway, he seems like a wizard to me). Is there anything in particular you would like him to invent? > > Have you seen [this video](http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ogBX18maUiM) (or similar) of a woman who uses her mind to operate a robot arm? Is it something you ever look into/think about? If something similar did become available to you, would you be interested? What do you think it could change in your life? > > Thanks for doing this thread! 🙂 I work from home, in recruiting. I dabble with the idea of going back to school for marriage and family therapy, though. I think I’d really like that. Your BIL should invent a great standing wheelchair. They exist but they’re awkward. It’d be nice to talk to people eye-to-eye again. And YES I’ve seen that video and think it’s awesome! I’m not one of those gimps who daydreams all day about a “cure,” but I have a lot of hope for technical advances in the near future that will make my life easier/more fun. This one looks cool. However–I’m NOT putting a computer on top of my head. Any additional independence it would give me would not compensate for the weirdness of wearing that thing and totally alienating and disturbing everyone I meet. ---
**Author:** ![Farmer\_Jane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Farmer\_Jane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmer_Jane)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2012, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/24 "2012-05-19T21:12:13Z")
> [@umkay](#): > > LOL. 😉 > > Honestly, at my level of injury, it’s super convenient to stick to dating AB people. Is that lame? Was that a joke? Cause I see what you did there. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2012, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/25 "2012-05-19T21:13:29Z")
> [@heathen\_earthling](#): > > Overall, are you happy to still be alive? Yup. I’ve always been a pretty cheerful person, and that didn’t change when I got injured. I had about 6 months of self-pity and another 2 years of feeling really awkward in public. But acceptance is a beautiful word. I like my life. I’d prefer not to be paralyzed (obviously), but if the only other option is death, I’ll choose life as a quadriplegic. ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2012, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/26 "2012-05-19T21:33:20Z")
> [@EmAnJ](#): > > Do you mind sharing what exctly happened in your snowboarding accident? My older cousin worked at a ski resort and he and my brothers and I were goofing off after hours and built a monster jump (bad idea #1) and then started using it (bad idea #2). My first attempt was timid, but I landed safely and felt like a boss. My second (and final) attempt, I went for a backflip (bad idea #3). Mid-air, it felt wrong, so I attempted to bail, and landed on my head. Oops. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2012, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/27 "2012-05-19T21:40:08Z")
> [@Pitchmeister](#): > > Can tell us about a few of those highly offensive assumptions you mentioned? [ul] [li]That my brain is injured because my body is. [/li][li]That I’m depressed about being in a chair and spend all my time thinking about how much my life sucks. [/li][li]That I will never/should never attempt to be a wife or mother, because I couldn’t do those jobs well. [/li][li]That sex isn’t enjoyable for me because I experience it differently than others do.[/li]That I don’t have goals or ambitions beyond waking up in the morning. [/ul] That’s just off the top of my head. I’m sure there are others. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2012, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/28 "2012-05-19T21:57:27Z")
> [@Athena](#): > > Also, it must have been incredibly difficult to be told at 14 that you were a quadriplegic. How did you get through that? Did it take a while to realize that you could indeed still have a life, though probably not the life you envisioned? It was hard. There’s no other word for it. I have a great family and I got all the help I needed. But there’s no way to make that kind of transition easy. I was in the middle of 8th grade when the accident happened, so my immediate concern was how much different high school was going to be than how I had imagined. In the end, it was different, but I had a good time in high school. And that’s sort of been the theme of my life from that point forward: Different, but not bad. I will say this though–in some ways, I’m glad I was injured so young. I was too young to drive, so I didn’t lose that independence. And I still lived at home, so I didn’t have to face the humiliation of moving back in with my parents as an adult. I wasn’t married, so I didn’t divorce a guy who couldn’t handle being married to a women so radically different from the one he had met. Et cetera. I also–and this is going to sound really weird–am sorta glad that my injury is so complete. With a full sever of the cord, there’s no hope. Well, short of a literal miracle. I see a lot of SCI folks panting after a cure so much that they forget to live their lives now. They are SURE they’re going to walk again someday, so all their time and effort (not to mention money) goes into that dream. They see the chair as a temporary thing, so why get comfortable with it or make any plans that include it? So I’m thankful I don’t have that pressure. ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2012, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/29 "2012-05-19T23:25:56Z")
> [@Theobroma](#): > > Do you have a job? Would you like to? Did you finish high school? College? > > Another thing: if we meet, would you prefer that I stand to chat with you, or kneel as I would with a child at your height in the chair? (If I can’t sit, of course.) > > Hope the questions aren’t offensive! I don’t mean to be. I’m also interested in the assumptions that annoy you. > > Thanks! 1. I do have a job. I work from home as a recruiter, but someday I’d like to be a therapist. 2. I finished high school and college. 3. Ohdearmaude–please do NOT kneel to talk to me. For precisely the reason you mentioned: that’s something you do with small children. You can talk to me just like you’d talk to a person sitting in any chair. I’m used to looking up to have conversations; it’s not weird or uncomfortable for me. And if you just met me and you offer your hand for a handshake before realizing I can’t shake your hand, just let your hand drop and don’t mention it (happens all the time and the awkward factor balloons when you try to explain yourself/make a joke/stammer an unnecessary apology). I mentioned some really offensive stuff in another post, but I thought I’d say here that I’m not offended when people use common colloquial or figurative expressions that would imply that I am able-bodied. Such as “Let’s go for a walk,” “Lend a helping hand,” “Get a leg up on him,” or “I’ve gotta hand it to you” et al. And if you’re describing a NASCAR event you went to and the “breakneck” speeds the cars flew by at, I probably won’t even notice the word until you get a blushy and weird. So just don’t. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Farmer\_Jane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Farmer\_Jane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmer_Jane)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2012, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/30 "2012-05-19T23:32:58Z")
What sized town do you live in? Do you like your location? Do you ever think it would be easier/harder living somewhere else (assuming your family was around)? ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2012, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/31 "2012-05-19T23:45:38Z")
> [@umkay](#): > > LOL. 😉 > > Honestly, at my level of injury, it’s super convenient to stick to dating AB people. Is that lame? It’s not that I’ve never been attracted to anyone else in a wheelchair, but the logistics give me a headache. And dating someone who has the same level of injury as me? That’s crazytown. We’d never have any privacy and we’d have to hire some kind of sex worker to assist us in the bedroom. Maybe two. :o > > My turn: Would you? No, that’s not lame at all. I understand that totally. The real-world difficulties that would be ever-present with two wheelchair-users being involved in a romantic relationship are nothing to brush off. I guess my question is, if you found yourself really attracted to someone who used a chair, and found that you liked everything about them, would the fact that they too were paralzyed and using a wheelchair cause you to _ **not** _ pursue that person for a potential relationship? As far as me; while I’ve never actually dated another ‘wheeler’ myself, I’d like to like that if the right situation presented itself, I’d be open to it. I’ve found that this is a “hot-button” topic among other wheelchair users, at least the ones I’ve had contact with online and in other places. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2012, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/32 "2012-05-19T23:47:42Z")
> [@umkay](#): > > [ul] > [li]That my brain is injured because my body is. [/li][li]That I’m depressed about being in a chair and spend all my time thinking about how much my life sucks. [/li][li]That I will never/should never attempt to be a wife or mother, because I couldn’t do those jobs well. [/li][li]That sex isn’t enjoyable for me because I experience it differently than others do.[/li]That I don’t have goals or ambitions beyond waking up in the morning. > [/ul] > That’s just off the top of my head. I’m sure there are others. 🙂 How about that you are “reproductively challenged”? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Rand\_Rover](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/db5fbb/32.png) [@Rand\_Rover](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rand_Rover)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2012, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/33 "2012-05-19T23:47:43Z")
Does your chair tilt back every so often? I’ve seen folks with chairs like that and never understood the reason for it (beyond my layman’s conclusion that it must be necessary to swab your juices around every once in a while . . . or something). Also, if I may violate the format a bit and offer a humble suggestion (which I’m sure you’ve already considered, but thought I would throw it out there): reading about the issues with first dates got me thinking that dinner at your place may be a good first date option. ---
**Author:** ![Springtime\_for\_Spacers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Springtime\_for\_Spacers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Springtime_for_Spacers)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2012, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/34 "2012-05-20T00:08:01Z")
> [@umkay](#): > > I work from home, in recruiting. I dabble with the idea of going back to school for marriage and family therapy, though. I think I’d really like that. > > Your BIL should invent a great standing wheelchair. They exist but they’re awkward. It’d be nice to talk to people eye-to-eye again. > > And YES I’ve seen that video and think it’s awesome! I’m not one of those gimps who daydreams all day about a “cure,” but I have a lot of hope for technical advances in the near future that will make my life easier/more fun. This one looks cool. However–I’m NOT putting a computer on top of my head. Any additional independence it would give me would not compensate for the weirdness of wearing that thing and totally alienating and disturbing everyone I meet. My mind immediately starting coming up with solutions to the computer on head problem. One would be incorporating it into some more conventional looking headgear. like a hat or even big hair. The other is very cyberpunk, having a small plug (possibly concealable in the hair) to which a cord is atttached when needed. How would you feel about either of those? I could see this kind of brain interface thingy having all sorts of applications leading to it becoming more commonplace and all kinds of design solutions coming up. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2012, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/35 "2012-05-20T02:25:18Z")
What do you recruit for? It’s awesome that you work. I hope it’s not offensive to say that. But, I didn’t expect it. I know a couple of people who are legally considered totally disabled (but not nearly as disabled as a quadriplegic) who don’t work, don’t want to work, and just collect social security (maybe because they got disabled later in life? I don’t know). Are you ever mad, angry, or resentful because of your disability? How did you take tests in school? This one is kinda personal and you can ignore it if you like, but if you have no sensation below the neck, how can you have orgasms? ---
**Author:** ![Theobroma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b5a626/32.png) [@Theobroma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Theobroma)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2012, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/36 "2012-05-20T02:27:51Z")
Ha! Glad to hear that you so indeed have a sense of humor about figures of speech. After all, if I said that someone “flew through a red light” you wouldn’t assume that he could fly. Thanks also for not being offended at the curiosity of folks who can barely imagine your lifestyle. Another question: how much privacy do you get most days? How do you eat in restaurants, and is that an enjoyable activity? Thanks again. You are super cool. And I am totally stealing “ohdearmaude”. ---
**Author:** ![Brynda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e79b87/32.png) [@Brynda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynda)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2012, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/37 "2012-05-20T04:26:46Z")
Therapist as in psychotherapist? I am a psychologist and used to work with SCI patients. At one rehab center, we had a chaplain who used a power chair due it spinal bifida, and at another, our physician had a C7 injury. They had a tremendous impact on our patients, most of whom were very recently injured. Of course, you wouldn’t be limited to working with others with SCI or disabilities, but man, you could change some people’s lives just by showing up. I love my profession, and if you want to talk about it, feel free to pm me. If phone is easier, I will send you my number. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2012, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/38 "2012-05-20T04:41:42Z")
How does it make you feel when you hear about able-bodied people being depressed about their lives? Do you ever think, “Must be nice to be able to walk AND whine”? ---
**Author:** ![cwthree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de0a6/32.png) [@cwthree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cwthree)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2012, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/39 "2012-05-20T05:00:24Z")
> [@umkay](#): > > But I can still have orgasms, I know when I’m hungry, and my legs and arms spasm in response to pain stimuli even though my brain can’t “feel” it. Does your sensation and/or awareness of hunger differ from before your injury? How so? If you don’t mind, what do you feel when you have an orgasm? When I have one, much of what I feel is below the neck. There’s definitely a component that’s above the neck, but it’s really hard to separate it from the rest of the experience. ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2012, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/40 "2012-05-20T05:04:18Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > I’m curious about the meal on your date. If you can’t feed yourself does your date help you? Bring an aide? Something else? I can’t use my arms, so yeah–somebody’s gotta help me get food to my mouth or I die. 😉 I have assistants who help me with this on a day-to-day basis. But if there’s anything that kills the mood on a date more than my wheelchair, it’s my paid attendant being along for the ride. So I don’t bring them along on romantic excursions. If the dude is going to have a hard time helping me eat, he is really not someone I should be dating anyway, KWIM? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436.md?page=3)