# Ask the Girl in the Wheelchair **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 19, 2012, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436 "2012-05-19T16:21:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 30
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2012, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/581 "2012-06-04T20:34:25Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > Ah, you’re too kind. > > But let me tell you what I think. I have a very dry, sometimes acerbic, style of writing. It’s conversational but lectionary – as though I were teaching an academic subject. I like to think I have a gift for explaining complex legal issues, for example, in ways that resonate with people with no training in the law. > > But it’s not an intimate voice I have. In other words, when I write, I explain, I debate – even as I am doing now! > > When you write, you INVITE. “Here’s my mind; join me for a while,” your prose says. Mine says, “Sit down, and let me explain this to you.” > > Someday I may write a textbook. > > Someday you’ll write a novel that will be made into a movie. That was a very introspective and well-written assessment of yourself and of **umkay**. Nicely done. And, yes, “thank you” from me as well, for giving so generously of your time to share with us and answer our nosy little questions. ---
**Author:** ![brickbacon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/898d66/32.png) [@brickbacon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brickbacon)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2012, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/582 "2012-06-04T23:01:15Z")
> [@umkay](#): > > First, if I’ve given the impression that my life is without much struggle, that would not be factually accurate. My whole life is a struggle, which you would know if you spent one day in my body. I have certain material and financial resources that others don’t have. I can appreciate that, but as someone else in this thread said, poverty can be a death sentence for a disabled person. That difference is not worth glossing over, and I think it is what would allow you to have a much more impactful voice on disability matters. > [@umkay](#): > > I also routinely have medical emergencies present themselves at the most inconvenient times: I can’t meet a friend for lunch because my PCA is scrambling to get my blood pressure down, trying to calm a mute, angry body that I can no longer communicate with or control. Or I wake up in the night with a cold, and spend the wee hours hooked up to a machine that inflates and then violently deflates my lungs, wracking my body with coughs. I am useless the next day, unable to work, lacking sleep and needing to be coughed hourly. Or, while bathing me, my carer notices a spot on my back that indicates too much pressure has been applied to my fragile skin, and I’m told I won’t be able to be up in my chair until it goes away several hours later. Listen, I don’t mean to minimize at all what you are going through, but aren’t these the equivalent of “first-world problems” for quads? I would imagine most quads don’t have nurses diligent and careful enough to catch these problems, so for them, it might mean death. That’s kinda what I am getting at. As someone who doesn’t know much about disability, when I hear about your bed that helps prevent sores, and the machines you use to connect to the world, I think about how society would probably be more willing to provide some of that if they knew how helpful and life-affirming they could be. > [@umkay](#): > > It should **not** be taken as proof that there is not much negative to be had in my life. I don’t mean to imply there is not much negative in your life, or that I have any understanding of what you go through on a daily basis. > [@umkay](#): > > But I come from a family where generosity and service were emphasized in the extreme (how do you think my brothers turned out so great?), and I haven’t abandoned those values as an adult. That’s good. Can I ask why you don’t want to speak about the advocacy and/or philanthropic work that you do do? > [@umkay](#): > > I’d be curious as to how precisely you think I’m off the mark with my analogies. I thought they were quite apt. First, as a practical matter, most people do not have the wherewithal, resources, or ability to be an effective advocate. Second, cat ownership, for the vast majority of people, is not so inextricably tied to identity and life options to the extent that one should or would feel compelled to join an organization like PETA that is frankly, a mixed-bad wrt to effectiveness. The point about woman and Arab law is off the mark for the above reasons, but also because taking such a role often means putting yourself in serious danger. > [@umkay](#): > > It upset me to see you use the word “shame.” I don’t feel ashamed that I’m not being interviewed on the Today show and shopping a book and pimping a “handicapped” jewelery line on QVC. I think there is more to advocacy than pimping out jewelry, and I think you know that. I use the word shame because I think it applies. No that you should be ashamed, but rather that the world is worse off because you apparently don’t feel the call to action. Just as I think it’s a shame that people like Tiger Woods and Michael Jordan don’t use their celebrity to shed light on issues that affect minorities (or any issues that I know of for that matter). It’s a shame that the richest man in the world doesn’t believe in “charity” (although I think he is evolving). A guy like Bill Gates will be remembered not for founding Microsoft, but rather for his philanthropic efforts. I am sure you are a great tech recruiter, but I think that you could have a far greater impact on the world in a different capacity. > [@umkay](#): > > Doesn’t make my life easier, objectively, but it does help me on a subjective level. How can you say this given that you have 24-hour care and the best equipment money can buy? > [@umkay](#): > > As for me being able to effectively articulate what “they” are going through? With all due respect, you don’t know me at all. You’ve read my writing, but I could be an absolutely sh_t public speaker, for all you know. Or a drug addict. Or just really socially inept. Or a b_tch. Advocacy doesn’t mean necessarily mean public speaking. Given the response to this thread, the ignorance you’ve dispelled, and the positive feelings you have engendered, I think your potential efficacy is clearly on display. Contrast the response you have gotten to another oft-pitted quad on this very board. I think that is a gift that is not being effectively utilized. I don’t think taking an opinion on that matter is wrong or unfair to you. Although I can appreciate how it may not seem like it, but I mean it as a complement. > [@umkay](#): > > Could there be any legitimate reason for not becoming a spokesperson for every cause one comes across in life? Your words make it sound like there isn’t. If you can, you should. But I don’t agree with that. That’s clear. And I don’t fault you for that. > [@umkay](#): > > I’m talking about this idea that I have to be some public face for cripples in order to justify my existence. I think you are bringing your own baggage here. I don’t think I have said anything to minimize your existence or to foist some responsibility on you. > [@umkay](#): > > Because, honestly, you’re not the first person to say things like this to me. I am usually gracious when I’m told that I should write a book…all 8,000 times I’ve been told that, by people who hardly know me, let alone if I’m even literate. The assumption is that I must do something extraordinary (their version of extraordinary) because my life is different than theirs. You are demonstrably literate given your writing in this thread. I don’t think anyone is making some assumption based on misplaced pity. They are saying, we like what we see, and wish there was more. To your latter point, I would hope you want to do something extraordinary, not because your life is different from mine, but because you seem capable of doing so, and because the highlighting those differences in a clear and compelling way could literally save people’s lives. > [@umkay](#): > > I don’t know if I’ve articulated myself well enough for you to understand where I’m coming from. Again, I’m not angry anymore, and I hope you won’t take anything that I’ve said personally. I don’t take it personally, but you still sound very angry, and it’s clear that you seem to be speaking to a sentiment I don’t think I expressed. That said, I can understand where you are coming from. You’re kinda like a 7-foot tall guy who doesn’t have a desire to play basketball. I don’t mean to add any stress to your life, or to hijack your thread, so consider the matter closed. > [@umkay](#): > > Additionally, everything I’ve written here can be taken at face value, with no underlying sarcasm implied. I wrote it very sincerely, so I hope nothing comes off as snarky or rude. I think you spoke honestly, which I all I can ask for. I took no offense, and I you feel the same way. ---
**Author:** ![azraiel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@azraiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/azraiel)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/583 "2012-06-05T00:21:07Z")
> [@umkay](#): > > I would never have a male caregiver. My care is far too personal for me to feel comfortable with that. It’s not like having a gentleman OB/GYN; it’s way more intimate than that. Plus, dudes suck at hair and makeup (I know–my brothers have tried). I’m curious about this. Three of my friends are male nurses (as are my my mother, grandmother, aunts, and damn near every woman in my family), and they’re all gay. One’s a full-on twink, another leans effeminate, and the third is the most masculine bear you can imagine. They all do makeup (though the bear is best at it, funnily enough). Would an openly gay man who did wonderful makeup be acceptable to you? You’re sure that all of your female caretakers are 100% straight, yes? ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_T](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Gary\_T](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_T)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/584 "2012-06-05T01:19:10Z")
> [@azraiel](#): > > Would an openly gay man who did wonderful makeup be acceptable to you? > > You’re sure that all of your female caretakers are 100% straight, yes? I can’t speak for **umkay** , but I suspect that the carer’s sexual preference/orientation is not the issue. From her comment on the issue, I saw it as a matter of plain ol’ propriety. I would not even think to ask those questions. ---
**Author:** ![BMalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@BMalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BMalion)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/585 "2012-06-05T03:03:56Z")
**umkay** , I think that **brickbacon** has your future life all set up for you, how convenient for you, and he doesn’t even know you. Now hop to it! :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Napier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ce73a5/32.png) [@Napier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Napier)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/586 "2012-06-05T03:39:48Z")
> [@brickbacon](#): > > I use the word shame because I think it applies. No that you should be ashamed, but rather that the world is worse off because you apparently don’t feel the call to action. > > […] > > I think you are bringing your own baggage here. I don’t think I have said anything to minimize your existence or to foist some responsibility on you. > > […] > > I would hope you want to do something extraordinary, not because your life is different from mine, but because you seem capable of doing so, and because the highlighting those differences in a clear and compelling way could literally save people’s lives. Brickbacon, this has been a fascinating and engaging read, but I think you are making an unfortunate point here. Somebody’s being very different in some particular detail in no way obligates them to become spokespeople. I don’t mean to rush to umkay’s defense in particular, and she does seem to be able to take care of herself just fine. But EVERYBODY should have a free choice in how they want to spend their life and what they try to make of themselves. I like what umkay has brought us here just fine, and will be checking out any other umkay threads I spot because I enjoy her. I think that’s what we are here in the Dope for. As to what each of our missions here on Earth is to be, we each get to decide, don’t we? ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/587 "2012-06-05T03:54:12Z")
> [@brickbacon](#): > > Contrast the response you have gotten to another oft-pitted quad on this very board. _ **How** _ offensive…☹ I’m no steenkin’ _quad!_ ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/588 "2012-06-05T04:03:31Z")
> [@umkay](#): > > And hey–have you ever thought about writing a book? 😉 Why yes, yes I have. I have, in fact, been a published writer in the area of non-fiction aviation. I’d _like_ to repeat that success with fiction but… real writing, professional writing, is hard work. Much harder than people think it is. You have the goods to be a writer, this is true, but you have to WANT to be a writer. The motivation has to come from within. Either you will be moved to write or you won’t. If you choose to take a stab at it I’ll happily support you, but the impetus has to come from within yourself. ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/589 "2012-06-05T04:07:04Z")
> [@happycamper\_5](#): > > While I have read the entire thread, I didn’t do it today, so if I’m wrong, be gentle, but have we actually gotten to 12 pages without someone asking what kind of music you like? That’s one of the most interesting things to learn about someone and one of my favorite ‘get to know you’ questions. > > However, if, like my cousin, your answer is something along the lines of 'Ohhhhhhh, I don’t really like music…", then feel free to pretend you never saw my question. It was soul-crushing to hear that from her and, out of self-preservation, I’ve decided to believe that she’s the only person on Earth who feels this way. Your cousin is a freak! :eek: Actually, I once met a guy like that. He told me that he had gone on a fishing trip the weekend before, and he left at like 3am, and it was like a 4 hour drive one way. I said, “Man, that’s a rough drive. I bet you make sure you have your iPod all loaded up before you make it.” He said, “Nope. I actually don’t even have a radio in my truck. I’m just not into music, really.” WTF? I backed away slowly… 😉 For me, I can appreciate a little something from just about any genre: rap, country, jazz, pop, oldies, etc. And I love me some Coldplay, U2, Rihanna, Beach Boys, Chicago, Keith Urban, James Taylor, Justin Timberlake, Sade, Police, and Adele. But the bands I’m drawn to over and over again tend to be in the indie pop/rock genre. Faves are Rogue Wave, Band of Horses, Arcarde Fire, Bon Iver, Fun, Delta Spirit, Kings of Leon, Miike Snow, Phoenix, Jason Mraz, The Weepies, Halloween Alaska, Jack Johnson, Ben Folds, Copeland, et al. You? ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/590 "2012-06-05T04:12:05Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > _ **How** _ offensive…☹ > > I’m no steenkin’ _quad!_ Right?? Was that directed at you? I couldn’t figure it out, but I haven’t been around very long. I was like, **Blinkie**? Surely not. Is there another quad on the board besides me and him? ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/591 "2012-06-05T04:14:32Z")
> [@Gary\_T](#): > > I can’t speak for **umkay** , but I suspect that the carer’s sexual preference/orientation is not the issue. My thoughts also. I can’t speak for **umkay** either, or presume to know what she’s thinking, but an analogy for me would be whether or not I’d be comfortable in a gym shower with either a gay guy or a gay woman in the group of people showering. I think it’s remotely similar because I would be more comfortable with the guy than with the woman. It’s about the _ **body parts** _, and maintaining the dignity of the “caree”, and not about any chance of sexual attraction (but if the guy were, um, obviously aroused then it might be awkward). When I was a teenager my mom cared for my bedridden and barely aware grandmother. My mom urged us to help out, and when you have to clean up after normal bodily functions I think it’s less dignifying for the patient if the care was provided by someone of the opposite gender. Women naturally know what another woman’s care needs are, just as men would naturally know what another man’s care needs are - generally speaking. A woman has no idea what it feels like to be hit in the balls, for example. As a teenager I certainly did not want to help out with my grandmother, but now in retrospect I’m glad my mom made us do it. I’m comfortable with providing very basic care needs. ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/592 "2012-06-05T04:14:42Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > When you write, you INVITE. “Here’s my mind; join me for a while,” your prose says. Mine says, “Sit down, and let me explain this to you.” > > Someday I may write a textbook. > > Someday you’ll write a novel that will be made into a movie. I’m really just totally overwhelmed by your praise. Thank you for such complimentary words. Coming from a person who’s clearly educated and clear-minded, they mean heaps. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/593 "2012-06-05T04:16:20Z")
> [@BMalion](#): > > **umkay** , I think that **brickbacon** has your future life all set up for you, how convenient for you, and he doesn’t even know you. Now hop to it! > > :rolleyes: I was thinking the same thing. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/594 "2012-06-05T04:19:18Z")
> [@Gary\_T](#): > > I can’t speak for **umkay** , but I suspect that the carer’s sexual preference/orientation is not the issue. From her comment on the issue, I saw it as a matter of plain ol’ propriety. I would not even think to ask those questions. I suspect that the caregiver’s feelings about **umkay’s** body, sexual preference/orientation, and the like are not relevant. A professional caregiver is expected to keep any such feelings to her(him)self. I think this is likely about how _ **umkay** _ feels about the matter. It is her comfort being served, and her preference - for a female caregiver - that matters. Somewhat like how some women don’t give a damn about the gender of an OB/GYN, some prefer women, and some prefer men, and gender as a factor in OB/GYN choice is seen as legitimate in most circumstances. There may be some women who are quads who don’t care about the gender of their caregivers, but in **umkay’s** case it does matter and her preference rules since it is her body. (I also presume in a true emergency that preference is trumped by a presumed desire to live, in which case care rendered by a man would be deemed acceptable. I just assume precautions are taken to minimize such situations.) ---
**Author:** ![brickbacon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/898d66/32.png) [@brickbacon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brickbacon)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/595 "2012-06-05T04:21:46Z")
> [@BMalion](#): > > **umkay** , I think that **brickbacon** has your future life all set up for you, how convenient for you, and he doesn’t even know you. Now hop to it! How is my suggestion any different from those suggesting she write a book? > [@Napier](#): > > Brickbacon, this has been a fascinating and engaging read, but I think you are making an unfortunate point here. Somebody’s being very different in some particular detail in no way obligates them to become spokespeople. I didn’t say it did. In fact, I have gone out of my way to say the opposite. > [@Napier](#): > > But EVERYBODY should have a free choice in how they want to spend their life and what they try to make of themselves. When have I suggested she shouldn’t have choice in how she spends her life? > [@Ambivalid](#): > > _ **How** _ offensive…☹ Sorry bout that. And for the record, I didn’t say that as a negative reflection on you as a person. I have immense respect for the way you stand up for yourself and speak out on issues that you are passionate about. But as I said before, I am more than willing to drop the issue entirely as I don’t feel it’s right to hijack this thread with an issue the OP has already commented on. ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/596 "2012-06-05T04:23:32Z")
> [@emmaliminal](#): > > I’d say you’re unusual here in that your voice isn’t very geeky, in either the pedantic mode Bricker mentioned or any of the typical geek humor modes we do so well here. I am betting that your novel will be one of those ones people argue about as to whether it qualifies as Chick Lit, because it will be engaging and energetic and personable and you really can’t have that in Serious Litrachah, you know. _That_ kind of authorial voice is rare on the Dope and everydamnwhere else, IME. Ohdearmaude. If my book ends up in the chick lit section, I will seriously need to rethink my whole life. 😉 You know what’s interesting, though? When you talk of my “authorial voice,” you are actually talking about my voice, period. Because, unlike (I assume) almost everyone else on this board, I don’t type my posts. _I speak them_. I use voice software or dictate to a carer 99% of the time, and have done so for over a decade, since well before I was “into” writing. I wonder if this has had an effect on how my “authorial voice” developed, and on how my words hit the page? > [@emmaliminal](#): > > Can the rest of y’all who are not using craptastic iPad keyboards dig us up some Best of the Dope threads to share with **umkay**? I can contribute > [The Horror of Blimps](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=160851) > [The Telemarketer Speaks. I Respond.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=51270) > And perhaps THE classic example of SDMB geekery, [FYI: A lady’s corset provides minimal protection against a dildo attack.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=266235) Oh, I’m soooo looking forward to this! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/597 "2012-06-05T04:25:32Z")
> [@umkay](#): > > Right?? Was that directed at you? I couldn’t figure it out, but I haven’t been around very long. I was like, **Blinkie**? Surely not. Is there another quad on the board besides me and him? **Blinkie** doesn’t contribute to the same extent you do, **umkay** , and that does skew perception. Locked in syndrome also tends to horrify the average person even more than plain old quadriplegia does even though **blinkie** seems to have come to terms with the limitations and manages to have a good life with the support of a family that loves him. The fact is, though, that it’s even harder for him to post than for you which is why he tends not to say much and his posts tend to be brief. I wish he would post more, as his brief posts tend to be to the point and pack a lot into just a sentence or two, but we aren’t his only interest in life and it’s up to him to divide his time as he sees fit. There may well be other quads on the SDMB - we have had tens of thousands of people participate here over the years - but if so they haven’t come forward about their disability. As is their right, here you can choose to share as much or as little as you choose. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/598 "2012-06-05T04:28:52Z")
> [@brickbacon](#): > > Sorry bout that. And for the record, I didn’t say that as a negative reflection on you as a person. I have immense respect for the way you stand up for yourself and speak out on issues that you are passionate about. Oh, no worries. 😃 It was _faux_ outrage. 😉 And thanks. ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 6:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/599 "2012-06-05T06:02:37Z")
Okay, I’m going to get a little feisty here. :eek: > [@brickbacon](#): > > Listen, **I don’t mean to minimize** at all what you are going through, but aren’t these **the equivalent of “first-world problems” for quads?** [Emphasis mine]. Are you kidding me? Calling the _life-threatening_ issues I deal with on a regular basis “first world problems for quads” is wildly patronizing. You **are** minimizing what I’ve already told you, which is that you can’t imagine what I deal with on a daily basis. I’m astonished at your lack of insight into how you’re coming off here. Question: Would you tell a friend with cancer that she should be ashamed for foregoing the Breast Cancer 5k due to chemo treatments? After all, isn’t being violently ill due to access to modern medicine kind of like “first world problems for cancer patients?” Shouldn’t she just suck it up and get out there and advocate? > [@brickbacon](#): > > I would imagine most quads don’t have nurses diligent and careful enough to catch these problems, so for them, it might mean death. That’s kinda what I am getting at. What **are** you getting at? What am I supposed to do about this? You keep saying that you’re not trying to guilt me into anything, but why else would you be talking about the plight of these alleged quadriplegics that you’ve never met? I still can’t figure out what exactly you’re getting at, what exactly you feel is my duty to the universe. > [@brickbacon](#): > > As someone who doesn’t know much about disability, Uh-huh. > [@brickbacon](#): > > when I hear about your bed that helps prevent sores, and the machines you use to connect to the world, I think about how society would probably be more willing to provide some of that if they knew how helpful and life-affirming they could be. So now _you’ve_ been educated–what are _you_ going to do about it? Or is only people with a lot of money who have any social responsibility? What’s your excuse, now that you know, for not going out and advocating for the disabled people in your community? Please don’t say that it’s because you’re AB, as though that were a reason not to help. > [@brickbacon](#): > > I don’t mean to imply there is not much negative in your life, or that I have any understanding of what you go through on a daily basis. You _so_ are, though. You’ve literally said I don’t have “much struggle” doing my everyday life, and that the concomitant serious medical issues that accompany my injury are “first world problems for quads.” > [@brickbacon](#): > > Can I ask why you don’t want to speak about the advocacy and/or philanthropic work that you do do? This comes from a deep-seated belief (passed down from my Catholic parents) that good done in a self-aggrandizing manner is shameful. This is my personal conviction for my life (and should not be read as a tsk-tsk at others who do publicize their causes and efforts). > [@brickbacon](#): > > First, as a practical matter, most people do not have the wherewithal, resources, or ability to be an effective advocate. When you say this, all I hear is “money.” Nevermind that I can’t move my body, I’ve got money! So I should be expected to save the world. Oh, also, I write well. But that’s all you know about me. > [@brickbacon](#): > > Second, cat ownership, for the vast majority of people, is not so inextricably tied to identity and life options to the extent that one should or would feel compelled to join an organization like PETA that is frankly, a mixed-bad wrt to effectiveness. It’s the _cat_ we’re talking about advocating for, not the human. The cat’s identity as an animal _is_ inextricably tied to its identity and life options. The human, the stronger entity with greater resources (me, in this scenario, according to you) should feel duty-bound not just to treat his own cat well, and feed strays in his neighborhood, but to advocate for animals on a grand scale, since they are, arguably, even more voiceless in society than disabled humans. According to you. Right? (Oh and I just threw PETA out there–I don’t have any particular affinity for that organization). > [@brickbacon](#): > > I use the word shame because I think it applies. No that you should be ashamed, but rather that the world is worse off because you apparently don’t feel the call to action. You’re once again talking out of both sides of your mouth. You don’t think I should feel “ashamed,” but you do feel that the word “shame” applies, since “the world is worse off” because I “apparently don’t feel the call to action.” Not to mention–back this train up–where do you get off telling me what the call on my life is? It’s really quite breathtaking how you have decided who I am and what I should be doing from 12 pages of internet discussion. Let me emphasize, once more: You don’t know me. You’ve also admitted that you don’t even know much about disability, in general. Heck, you called **Ambivalid** a quad, for crying out loud! > [@brickbacon](#): > > I am sure you are a great tech recruiter, but I think that you could have a far greater impact on the world in a different capacity. I seriously cannot believe you said this. Your arrogance is blowing my mind. > [@brickbacon](#): > > How can you say this given that you have 24-hour care and the best equipment money can buy? Well, how can you live with yourself, typing on your computer (or phone, or iPad, or whatever), while children in Africa starve? You’re way richer than they are, just given the fact that you are literate, seemingly educated, and have an internet connection. The word “hypocrisy” comes to mind. > [@brickbacon](#): > > I don’t think I have said anything to minimize your existence or to foist some responsibility on you. Really? You really don’t think that? Because those have literally been the only two points I’ve picked up from your posts. > [@brickbacon](#): > > You’re kinda like a 7-foot tall guy who doesn’t have a desire to play basketball. Except the 7 foot tall guy doesn’t get accosted by strangers on the internet, who’ve never seen a basketball, telling him that it’s his moral duty to play basketball or millions will (hypothetically) die. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 6:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/600 "2012-06-05T06:05:23Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally Posted by BMalion > umkay, I think that brickbacon has your future life all set up for you, how convenient for you, and he doesn’t even know you. Now hop to it! > [@echo7tango](#): > > I was thinking the same thing. :rolleyes: For REAL, yo! :smack: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436.md?page=29) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436.md?page=31)