# Ask the Girl in the Wheelchair **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 19, 2012, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436 "2012-05-19T16:21:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 32
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/621 "2012-06-05T18:10:33Z")
n/m ---
**Author:** ![brickbacon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/898d66/32.png) [@brickbacon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brickbacon)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/622 "2012-06-05T18:24:31Z")
> [@umkay](#): > > No, a compliment would have sounded like this: “Have you ever thought about taking on an advocacy role? Personally, though I don’t know you or much at all about disability, from what I’ve read here, it seems like you’d probably be good at it.” And I would have responded with “Oh, aren’t you sweet? I do my own small part, but I’m not interested in a public role.” And that would have been it. You wouldn’t have continued to berate me for pages about what you think are my selfish and shameful life choices. What you’ve really done in 3 separate posts is come off as the world’s biggest scold, judging me thoroughly without the most basic real-world knowledge of my life. More bullshit. I my first response. I said [QUOTE=Me] Again, I don’t want to make it seem like you should feel bad because you are not out fighting the good fight, but I think it would be great if you were able to educate others the same way you have in this thread. [/QUOTE] I only responded at all because you ASKED ME how your “obligation” was different from a woman in an Arab country or a guy who owns a cat. So don’t pretend I am trying to make you seem like a jerk for suggesting you do something I think you’d be good at. > [@umkay](#): > > I reserve the right to make my own decisions about what I do with my own life, and I don’t need to apologize to you or anyone about it. Have I suggested you didn’t or asked you to apologize? > [@umkay](#): > > Nope. I get angry when someone suggests I scale it up _and_ implies not doing so is a blot on my character. More bullshit. I never said it was a blot on your character. That is your own baggage coming into play here. While I can understand your reaction, please don’t blow up on me because of things other people said and did. > [@umkay](#): > > Because your suggestion came with a distinct after-taste of judgment. I’m not the only one who picked up on it either, so don’t call me crazy. The judgement was more **umkay** in this capacity is better than less. That’s a judgement I still stick by, and one I think most would agree with. The decision to feel attacked or guilty for not wanting to do more is entirely on your shoulders. > [@umkay](#): > > **This is the most revealing thing you’ve said.** Really? I think it’s honest, and if most people were honest, they would admit similar sentiments. And before you go off on another rant, I was not saying I don’t care about disabled people, but rather that it’s not something I care enough about to spend significant amounts of time and energy to address. In the same way I don’t care a great deal about lyme disease or ALS. > [@umkay](#): > > It’s also why it’s hard to take you seriously when you engage in recreational outrage on this thread, painting a mental picture of all the poor, sad quadriplegics out there who need me. This is all just a game to you, whereas it’s my life. Which is probably why I feel genuinely outraged, and you can’t understand why. I am not outraged. I’m not even angry. I just feel bad that what I said was so misinterpreted. Sorry for thinking you might want to help those less fortunate than you, and that you might be more qualified to do so given that you seem to have a knack for it, a desire to do it in a limited capacity, and that since it is your life, you can speak to the realities and struggles more directly. > [@umkay](#): > > You’re richer than somebody. Go help them. All of them. I do. Not all of them, but enough for my tastes. > [@umkay](#): > > Buuuuut…if this someone didn’t say that, but rather, “It’s clear to me–though I don’t know you or very much about your situation–that you have the resources, time, and ability to get to the party next weekend. But, since you obviously have no desire to respond to the call of action on your life and make it there, which will probably–probably, I have no real idea and I don’t actually care–mean that others will suffer…well, then it’s a shame you won’t be there,” I **would** be angry. And if going to a party would in fact achieve all those things, I would say the sentiment would be correct. > [@umkay](#): > > …which is a tad closer to what you did here. A tad closer, but not particularly analogous at all. > [@umkay](#): > > Because no one else even remotely implied that not writing a book would be a moral failure and an abdication of sacred responsibility on my part. You are injecting the moral failure and abdication. Probably because you on some visceral level, feel guilty about that. Just the fact that you getting so worked up about a suggestion, even if you feel I was wrong to suggest it, betrays the internal conflict on this issue you seem to be facing. > [@umkay](#): > > You’re so out of context here. It was in response to my comment about rising above the typical realities of being a quad because of your apparent resources (eg. money). Something I admittedly phrased poorly. That said, if that was the context as you understand it, I apologize for my misunderstanding. > [@umkay](#): > > That’s not what just happened. What just happened is that someone walked up to this 7 foot tall accountant and said, "What you’re doing with your life is not meeting your full potential. Except that you say this as the guy is actually playing basketball, enjoying it, and playing well enough to go further with it. > [@umkay](#): > > You have a responsibility to the world to play pro basketball." And he says, "Um, okay, that’s kind of offensive to me, considering how much schooling and struggle it took me to get my CPA, and the fact that you don’t know me. You assume that, because I’m 7 feet tall, I’m a good fit for the NBA. But I’ve looked into (all my life people have told me this, after all), and it’s not right for me. And if you responded this way, we wouldn’t be talking. You immediately got angry because I have to temerity to suggest you would be good at something else I think would be more important to society as a whole. Sorry if you feel uncomfortable with that judgement, but I think it’s more than defensible. Furthermore, if this hypothetical 7-foot guy went on a rant about how his decision not to play in the NBA is like a guy who has a cat not joining PETA, I would naturally take exception to that poor analogy. You keep harping on this fact that I don’t know you, yet you say people who presumably DO KNOW YOU suggest the same thing. I suppose that could be a coincidence, or maybe it’s that I saw the same thing that they did. > [@umkay](#): > > And then YOU act all butthurt when he finally loses his cool and gets pissed off at you and your annoying, wrong-headed suggestions. You even admitted your FIRST response was in anger. So there was no 30 minutes of me yelling from the sidelines. I was just you reacting to me because of what other people said to you. > [@umkay](#): > > Well then, I assume you’ll stop injecting yourself. Now. Stop trying to chastise me, and distort what I have said. I would be more than happy to talk about this elsewhere if you feel the need to explain my errors explain where you are coming from. I will not however withhold commentary in response to what I feel are mischaracterizations on your part. Even though this thread is yours, I don’t think it’s a fair expectation to ask me to be silent while you ridicule my commentary and perspectives. ---
**Author:** ![brickbacon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/898d66/32.png) [@brickbacon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brickbacon)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/623 "2012-06-05T18:28:14Z")
> [@Philster](#): > > He’s an ass – end of story. This post was about respecting other people, right? :dubious: > [@Philster](#): > > We can still demand respect! Please elaborate on how I’ve been any less respectful to others as they have been to me? Did I call the OP and ass? Did I call anyone names? It’s just amazing that an honest disagreement, one which I have been more than willing to drop, is interpreted as “disrespect”. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/624 "2012-06-05T18:36:08Z")
> [@brickbacon](#): > > It’s just amazing that an honest disagreement, **one which I have been more than willing to drop** , is interpreted as “disrespect”. You keep using this phrase; I don’t think it means what you think it means. Will you please spell out for us specifically what it would take for you to drop this honest disagreement? ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/625 "2012-06-05T18:37:56Z")
I think it’s “I’ll drop it as long as I get to get the last word in.” Which is…unlikely. ---
**Author:** ![VOW](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/vow/32/3043_2.png) [@VOW](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VOW)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/626 "2012-06-05T18:44:33Z")
> [@brickbacon](#): > > I do. Not all of them, but enough for my tastes. This. I’m gonna LMAO all day on this line! How many does your taste tell you to help? More than one? A dozen? A hundred? But you could help so many MORE, with your talents/gifts/money! You have no idea how many people **umkay** has helped, is helping, or will help in the future. But let’s just say she helps “enough for her tastes.” From what I have learned, quads have a finite amount of energy. A LOT of that energy is expended just to get through the day. **Umkay** then puts in energy into her livelihood. And if she has extra, she enjoys SDMB. So, to do all this charitable social work, what energy sacrifices should she make? No coughing? No bowel training? No makeup? Instead of eating and drinking, she could get an NG tube and take all her nutrition through her nose. The voice-recognition software might have to be tweaked a bit, but it’s for the greater good. I love it, “helping as many people as to your taste.” ~VOW ---
**Author:** ![brickbacon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/898d66/32.png) [@brickbacon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brickbacon)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/627 "2012-06-05T18:47:22Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > You keep using this phrase; I don’t think it means what you think it means. Really? Please explain my err? If you think dropping it means I should just sit back as people call me an ass, I don’t think that’s a reasonable expectation. Say we are debating about the death penalty, and I say, hey let’s just agree to disagree, and you respond by saying I am an ass for trying to tell you how to think, do you expect me to say nothing in response because I expressed a desire to stop arguing? > [@Asimovian](#): > > Will you please spell out for us specifically what it would take for you to drop this honest disagreement? Stop responding here. Don’t bother pointing out where you think I am wrong in this thread, misquoting me, explaining how you think I think society gives (lazy) rich people money, or how my opinions on social responsibility are misguided. Feel free to send me a PM if you want to debate about how I’m an idiot who doesn’t understand, or to start a new thread about those specific issues. I promise I will respond if you truly would like to debate the relative merits of my stance. However, don’t think you can completely distort what I say here, and not invite a response. ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/628 "2012-06-05T18:50:49Z")
See? ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/629 "2012-06-05T18:53:49Z")
> [@umkay](#): > > And, by the way, what is so wrong with being a quad?? Ya’ll are _waaaay_ crippled. Stoopid quads… Paras rule! ---
**Author:** ![kayT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayt/32/3633_2.png) [@kayT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayT)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/630 "2012-06-05T18:57:31Z")
I agree that we all need to stop responding to **brickbacon** right now. This was a terrific thread before he/she arrived and we need to take it back. I wonder, **umkay** , if you have access to a pool at your parent’s house? I know you mentioned going to the beach but I would think being able to float in a pool would be somewhat relaxing for you. For one thing, not having to worry about pressure points. If you have mentioned this earlier I missed it. ---
**Author:** ![brickbacon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/898d66/32.png) [@brickbacon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brickbacon)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/631 "2012-06-05T19:04:15Z")
> [@VOW](#): > > But you could help so many MORE, with your talents/gifts/money! Likely true. I don’t feel bad about that, and you suggesting I should do more is not going to send me into some shame spiral about my moral obligations. That’s the main difference here. > [@VOW](#): > > You have no idea how many people **umkay** has helped, is helping, or will help in the future. But let’s just say she helps “enough for her tastes.” Ok… and? Why do you assume I would have a problem with that? > [@VOW](#): > > So, to do all this charitable social work, what energy sacrifices should she make? No coughing? No bowel training? No makeup? Instead of eating and drinking, she could get an NG tube and take all her nutrition through her nose. The voice-recognition software might have to be tweaked a bit, but it’s for the greater good. Ok I get it, you get to make often invalid assumptions while calling me out for supposedly doing the same things? So which of those things did Christopher Reeve give up to become an advocate? Since it’s clearly an either/or thing, I am interested in how he suffered as a result or being an advocate. Although he is not a quad, what does **Ambivalid** give up to be an advocate? I am not suggesting she travel the land “selling jewelry” and telling sob stories. Advocacy can be as simple as what **Ambivalid** does when he posts about bathroom doors. > [@VOW](#): > > I love it, “helping as many people as to your taste.” “Taste” as in "preference or desire, or the the sense of what is proper, [or] seemly. Sorry to have assumed you had access to a online dictionary, and an inclination to use it. ---
**Author:** ![grayhairedmomma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/47e85d/32.png) [@grayhairedmomma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grayhairedmomma)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/632 "2012-06-05T19:14:05Z")
> [@gonzoron](#): > > Ya know, as off base as **brickbacon** may be, I think I’m actually glad that this … er… discussion(?) erupted here. **brickbacon** ’s comments and **umkay** taking him or her to task does wonders to dispel the idea of the “sainted cripple” who no one would dare argue with because it would be mean. **umkay** might not be able to stand up, but she sure can stand up for herself. 🙂 I get what you’re trying to say **gonzoron** , but people here argue with **Ambivalid** constantly, so I don’t think that’s much of an issue on this board. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Noone\_Special](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/noone_special/32/2863_2.png) [@Noone\_Special](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Noone_Special)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/633 "2012-06-05T19:16:07Z")
\*\*brickbacon \*\*-- a word to the wise… “When you’re in a hole, **stop digging!** ” **umkay** – kudos for staying calm in the face of all this unreasonableness. You’re doing a far better job of fullfilling the “don’t get mad, get **even** ” maxim than I probably could 😃 Since I’m here, I’ll ask another question, totally a-propos of nothing (well, a-propos of [this train-wreck](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=653644) which I (possibly unwisely) stuck my nose into… My meager contribution is towards the end of page 5, if anybody cares :dubious:) – what are you’re feelings on Same Sex Marriage? Since you’re in CA, on Prop 8 and the judiciary circus it has brought about in particular? ---
**Author:** ![raspberry\_hunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@raspberry\_hunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raspberry_hunter)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/634 "2012-06-05T19:21:48Z")
> [@kayT](#): > > I agree that we all need to stop responding to **brickbacon** right now. This was a terrific thread before he/she arrived and we need to take it back. Okay. (Though I really want to!) I’d like to say, **umkay** , that I’ve been lurking this whole time and haven’t said anything because everyone else has said it much better than I have, but I’ll join in the chorus that says this thread has been incredibly enlightening and fun to read both. And I’ve also admired how gracious you’ve been to **brickbacon** , in the face of some serious provocation 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/635 "2012-06-05T19:33:07Z")
**brickbacon** : If the only way to get you to shut the f\*ck up is to completely ignore you, then consider this my gracious gesture toward that end. ---
**Author:** ![Idle\_Thoughts](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/838e76/32.png) [@Idle\_Thoughts](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Idle_Thoughts)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/636 "2012-06-05T19:33:30Z")
**TWEEET!** Stop the hijack in here, now. If anyone wants to continue it, feel free to start a new topic. No more hijack beyond this post…let’s get back to making it an “Ask the…” thread as originally intended. ---
**Author:** ![Snow\_Pea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dbc845/32.png) [@Snow\_Pea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snow_Pea)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/637 "2012-06-05T19:52:23Z")
Just in case my question got lost in the hijack, was wondering what your bedroom is like? Do you sleep in a regular bed? In a room by yourself, with the lights out, or do you have a special setup? I guess I was just wondering as I lay in bed last night, what it would be like to lay there in the dark and have no idea where on the bed my limbs were… Sorry if this is a stupid or insensitive question. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/638 "2012-06-05T20:01:42Z")
**umkay** : new question. On occasion, you’ve used foul language (:eek:) in this thread, but you have censored it a bit, such as the “f\*ck” in your last post. I’m just curious about why, particularly since I have very sensitive, innocent eyes that can barely manage this sort of thing. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Kevbo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e47774/32.png) [@Kevbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kevbo)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/639 "2012-06-05T20:49:14Z")
**Umkay** Thanks for doing this thread. I hope you won’t let the unpleasantness of an overwhelming minority deter you from continuing to respond. Do you ever find yourself making unwarranted assumptions about someone because they are AB? Like, just as a hypothetical example, maybe somebody expresses an interest in meeting you for coffee, and you suggest they drop by your place so they can drive you in your van, and they tell you they have never driven and don’t have a driver’s license…that sort of thing? ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/640 "2012-06-05T20:56:16Z")
> [@azraiel](#): > > I’m curious about this. > > Three of my friends are male nurses (as are my my mother, grandmother, aunts, and damn near every woman in my family), and they’re all gay. One’s a full-on twink, another leans effeminate, and the third is the most masculine bear you can imagine. > > They all do makeup (though the bear is best at it, funnily enough). > > Would an openly gay man who did wonderful makeup be acceptable to you? > > You’re sure that all of your female caretakers are 100% straight, yes? **Gary T** and **Broomstick** both did a fantastic job of responding to this, but I’ll echo what they said: It definitely has nothing to do with sexuality; I’m no homophobe. Rather, it’s about me having the same parts and feminine concerns as a woman caregiver. It may sound like a small detail in theory–I know there are highly professional male nurses out there who’ve seen it all–but in practice I would feel incredibly uncomfortable giving directions to a male caregiver (gay/straight/bi/transgender/queer/asexual/whatever) about how to get my bra on or put in a tampon. :eek: Of course, when I was in the hospital and rehabbing, male nurses at times saw to my care. It was weird and I didn’t like it, but I didn’t have a choice. Now I do, and my choice is to only accept applications from females. When I hire my caregivers, I have no idea if they’re gay or straight, and it doesn’t matter to me. My attendants’ sexuality (or mine, for that matter) has nothing to do with the service they provide for me. If I did happen to hire a gay helper, I would never just assume that she was attracted to me (most straight dudes aren’t, after all). Plus, the job she’s doing isn’t exactly sexy, which harkens back to the discussion about how I wouldn’t want my future husband to do a whole lot of it. And, on the off-chance that she was attracted to me, I’d expect that she’d keep it to herself. Not only am I straight, but that would be such an inappropriate thing to share with me, her boss. Nevertheless, by chance alone, I’ve never had a gay attendant. Or not one who was “out” anyway; of course I would know if she were. Though, I will say, I’m pretty sure my gyno is a lesbian. 🙂 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436.md?page=31) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436.md?page=33)