# Ask the Girl in the Wheelchair **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 19, 2012, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436 "2012-05-19T16:21:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 37
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2012, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/721 "2012-06-08T23:28:29Z")
> [@Grey\_area](#): > > Great thread. Very candid and charming. > > Nothing to contribute except to say I went through this whole thread in one go. It’s 4:25 AM now and I want to give you some sort of compliment, but I’m tired and “charming” is the only word that comes to mind. And “candid.” But I don’t think the latter’s a compliment. Hmm… Wow–one go? I’m wondering how long that took you…and I’m hoping you don’t have to work today! And thanks for the compliments. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2012, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/722 "2012-06-08T23:30:35Z")
> [@Enginerd](#): > > Well, can it? Normally I wouldn’t think to ask, but you go skydiving and your brother’s a super-engineer. I figure it’s about a 50-50 shot. 😃 You forgot: Not only is my brother a super-engineer, but he’s also a pilot in the Air Force. So whether my chair can fly or not, well, that’s classified. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2012, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/723 "2012-06-08T23:48:16Z")
> [@SlowMindThinking](#): > > The upshot is, since the people who go into the fields are very different, very few tech recruiters seem to understand the fields they recruit for, _at all._ If I want a C++ programmer, I want a C++ programmer. Sometimes, a Java guy or an Objective C guy might do. Not a guy who took a VB class once. I almost mentioned this in that response of mine, because this is the number one problem among self-styled tech recruiters, IMO. They want to play the game, but they don’t bother to learn the rules. In a field filled with detail-oriented geeks, you can’t fake your way past their bullsh\*t detectors. I’m not the techy type by nature, but you can be dang sure I learned the lingua franca of my industry fast. None of my candidates would know just from talking to me on the phone that I’m not a super-nerd just like them. 😉 > [@SlowMindThinking](#): > > And, Ambivalid, you’d be surprised how easy it is to recognize people in narrow fields. Even if umkay’s field is broader than mine, and she lives in a bigger metro area, she needs to be careful…There can’t be many twenty something tech recruiters with 4 brothers, even in California, so any who know those four facts might figure out who she is. Exactly. And if they do happen to know I’m a quad, then that’s pretty much like a neon sign announcing my identity. > [@SlowMindThinking](#): > > My question. Have you thought of taking up astronomy? As practiced by one of my coworkers, it is a form of photography, with very patient, easily scheduled subjects, willing to work around your logistics issues. (The Venus transit brought this to mind.) I haven’t. I always lack the patience to sift through all that data to find what I’m looking for. 😉 > [@SlowMindThinking](#): > > But, my oldest are younger than you, umkay, so it’s not like someone your father’s age is crushing on you.) Oh, thank goodness! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2012, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/724 "2012-06-08T23:59:01Z")
> [@Linus\_Van\_Pelt](#): > > OTOH, while I’ve always known how nice it is to be able to do something positive spontaneously (duh), it’s never really occurred to me that the ability to be an idiot at will is sort of a blessing too, but it kind of is, isn’t it? There’s a question for you that I bet you haven’t been asked - do you miss the ability to do something dumb, just because? Um, you’re assuming I can’t do anything dumb just because I’m in a chair? That would not be accurate. Have you already forgotten the story about me getting drunk and puking on myself at my graduation party…? 😉 I can do a lot of dumb things on my own with the various devices at my service. And, if I can’t do it totally on my own, there’s always _some_ naive AB who can be convinced to help. 😉 > [@Linus\_Van\_Pelt](#): > > I swear, I’m not trying to focus on the negative, but missing the good stuff just seems obvious. Now you’re going to think I’m even stranger. I don’t think you’re strange, and I’m not getting a sadist vibe from you. 🙂 I tend to emphasize (over-emphasize?) the positive, because that’s who I am innately, and it’s a handy self-preservation device. But I can acknowledge the negative. After all, it’s not like anyone would choose this. Paralysis sucks, and you’re not crazy or weird for thinking about the various practical ways in which that’s true. ---
**Author:** ![Napier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ce73a5/32.png) [@Napier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Napier)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2012, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/725 "2012-06-09T02:00:50Z")
> [@umkay](#): > > As for hearing each other better, unless I’m at a concert or a bar, I don’t have trouble hearing people who are standing, so it’s just not necessary, IMHO. Of course, if you have hearing problems, you can just say that that’s why you’re kneeling, and I will understand that we’re accommodating your disability, not mine. O my yes, this was for the sake of my hearing, not yours. Whomever i’m talking to never seems to have a hard time hearing. It might have been just as well we never met. If we tried talking, unless you were a bit on the booming side, I would have kept saying “I’m sorry”, and you would have thought I meant about you, and it just would have gone downhill from there. Gee, there ARE some conversations that ring truer in text! 8) ---
**Author:** ![Linus\_Van\_Pelt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ebca7d/32.png) [@Linus\_Van\_Pelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Linus_Van_Pelt)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2012, 8:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/726 "2012-06-09T08:47:11Z")
> [@umkay](#): > > Um, you’re assuming I can’t do anything dumb just because I’m in a chair? An inability to do anything dumb? \ What a horrible thought. Besides, that sounds suspiciously like the ridiculous Hollywood stereotype of the disabled saint. I’m reasonably certain that you hate that one. Mea Culpa. It was clear in my thoughts but I phrased it very poorly. What I was talking about was more like immediate thought/action. Doing things like getting pissed off and kicking the wall. You know it’s dumb. You hurt your foot. You regret it as soon as you do it. But still… Regarding the positive/negative thing, it’s not so much that I’m trying to think about all the ways your situation sucks; it’s more a matter of realizing the enormous number of things that most of us take completely for granted. Oh, and for the record, it’s in a positive “I should appreciate the little things more” way, not in a “the poor paralyzed girl” sense (I don’t want to risk the wrath of you and your tricked-out flying death-chair). 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2012, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/727 "2012-06-09T11:48:40Z")
I vote that we replace “1920’s Style Death Ray” with “Tricked-Out Flying Death-Chair” as an SDMB meme. ---
**Author:** ![BMalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@BMalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BMalion)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2012, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/728 "2012-06-09T13:12:20Z")
I’m for it! ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2012, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/729 "2012-06-09T14:17:53Z")
“Tricked-Out Flying Death-Chair mounted with a 1920’s Style Death Ray” [http://www.actiontrackchair.com/ActionTrackChair-Photos/DSC04252.aspx](http://www.actiontrackchair.com/ActionTrackChair-Photos/DSC04252.aspx) ---
**Author:** ![PookahMacPhellimey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pookahmacphellimey/32/3175_2.png) [@PookahMacPhellimey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PookahMacPhellimey)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2012, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/730 "2012-06-09T14:33:48Z")
> [@umkay](#): > > I’m sorry you’re stressed. ☹ Unfortunately (or not), I definitely still feel stress. I don’t feel tensed shoulders and a roiling belly, but my ability to get riled up about a guy, a fight with a friend, or a work deadline is still very much intact. It’s all upstairs, but it’s there. It’s why I can still have orgasms; even though my brain and my body are disconnected for all conscious purposes, there’s something unconscious that remains–_something_ is telling my brain that my body is climaxing. I can say with certainty that it’s not my spinal cord (I’ve seen the x-rays), so for now, my docs and I and the medical community at large are stumped. Speculation welcomed, internet-trained doctors. 😉 (Late reply) I didn’t really expect the loss sensation and movement in your body would have turned you into a emotionless robot (terminator in death-chair type thing) - it’s just that my mother is a yoga teacher who has also worked as a massage therapist and the connection between body and mind interests me as well. On that note: Do you meditate? ---
**Author:** ![CyclopticXander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/59ef9b/32.png) [@CyclopticXander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CyclopticXander)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2012, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/731 "2012-06-09T16:57:41Z")
I keep thinking about one of your statements from way earlier. You said that had your accident not happened you might have been more of a jock than a brain, that seems to give backing to nurture over nature in that whole debate, is that your assessment? Or could it be that you are underestimating your gifts and you would have ended up both athletic AND smart? And if you will engage a silly hypothetical, if a wizard granted you a day as an AB person. What would you do with it? Or would you even take the day at all? ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2012, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/732 "2012-06-09T18:25:55Z")
> [@Linus\_Van\_Pelt](#): > > Besides, that sounds suspiciously like the ridiculous Hollywood stereotype of the disabled saint. I’m reasonably certain that you hate that one. You would be correct. 🙂 > [@Linus\_Van\_Pelt](#): > > What I was talking about was more like immediate thought/action. Doing things like getting pissed off and kicking the wall. You know it’s dumb. You hurt your foot. You regret it as soon as you do it. But still… Perhaps you haven’t considered that my chair can act as an effective battering ram in certain frustrating moments (not that I’m admitting that I’ve ever used it that way…)? My chair could make a hole in a wall that a foot would be proud of. And then, hypothetically, I’ve got problems, too. My foot might not hurt, but I might f_ck up my chair. And I could actually f_ck up my real foot, too. I wouldn’t feel it, but I’d know that I did something really stupid when I suddenly developed a crushing headache and my PCA had to rush me to the emergency room to treat my broken pinky toe before I stroked out. The moral of the story is “Never underestimate my ability to do spontaneously stupid sh\*t just because I’m paralyzed” (my friends and family have learned this the hard way over the last dozen or so years). 😉 > [@Linus\_Van\_Pelt](#): > > Regarding the positive/negative thing, it’s not so much that I’m trying to think about all the ways your situation sucks; it’s more a matter of realizing the enormous number of things that most of us take completely for granted. I get you, homes. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2012, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/733 "2012-06-09T18:27:20Z")
> [@Napier](#): > > It might have been just as well we never met. If we tried talking, unless you were a bit on the booming side, I would have kept saying “I’m sorry”, and you would have thought I meant about you, and it just would have gone downhill from there. Ahahahahahahahahahaha! This is hilarious. I’d be like, “Dude, what’s your deal? Get over it already!” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2012, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/734 "2012-06-09T18:29:26Z")
> [@](#): > > I vote that we replace “1920’s Style Death Ray” with “Tricked-Out Flying Death-Chair” as an SDMB meme. I get my own SDMB _meme_?? Um, YES. > [@Muffin](#): > > “Tricked-Out Flying Death-Chair mounted with a 1920’s Style Death Ray” [http://www.actiontrackchair.com/ActionTrackChair-Photos/DSC04252.aspx](http://www.actiontrackchair.com/ActionTrackChair-Photos/DSC04252.aspx) But where are the wings?? ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2012, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/735 "2012-06-09T18:30:44Z")
> [@PookahMacPhellimey](#): > > I didn’t really expect the loss sensation and movement in your body would have turned you into a emotionless robot (terminator in death-chair type thing). I didn’t think that’s what you meant. 🙂 > [@PookahMacPhellimey](#): > > On that note: Do you meditate? Nope. ---
**Author:** ![BMalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@BMalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BMalion)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2012, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/736 "2012-06-09T18:39:10Z")
“Exterminate!” ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2012, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/737 "2012-06-09T19:07:56Z")
> [@CyclopticXander](#): > > I keep thinking about one of your statements from way earlier. You said that had your accident not happened you might have been more of a jock than a brain, that seems to give backing to nurture over nature in that whole debate, is that your assessment? Or could it be that you are underestimating your gifts and you would have ended up both athletic AND smart? Mm. Hard to say. Actually, impossible to say. My best guess is that, minus any other physical hardship, I would have continued on the path I was on: Achieving success in athletics and bringing home middling grades. What was the point of concentrating on homework when I planned to get a sports scholarship somewhere? However, interestingly enough, I’m actually of the mindset in general that nature slightly trumps nurture in our development. But I think that a life change like going from AB to quadriplegic is of sufficient caliber to divert a life course despite that. Oh, and one more thought: I think I must have always had the raw intellectual material–I don’t think my brain completely changed when I got hurt or anything. But it was raw. And I feel like it probably would have remained so, since I had very little motivation to develop it. > [@CyclopticXander](#): > > And if you will engage a silly hypothetical, if a wizard granted you a day as an AB person. What would you do with it? Or would you even take the day at all? Are you kidding me? Of COURSE I would take it! As much as it would f\*cking suck to wake up paralyzed again the next day, I would never pass that up. What would I do? In no particular order: [ul] [li]Give my attendants the day off[/li][li]Do a triathlon[/li][li]Take a yoga class (yoga was just getting cool when I got hurt and I’ve always wanted to try it)[/li][li]Eat a big plate of spaghetti using my own hands (being fed spaghetti is not a good idea)[/li][li]Get a full body massage[/li][li]Have SEX! ;)[/li][li]Spend at least 2 full hours just hugging my mom, dad, and brothers[/li][li]Go clubbing (get my dance on, yo)[/li][li]Go snowboarding (and do lots and lots of flips)[/li][li]Take a long hot shower ALONE[/li][li]Take a long, hot shower with someone else (see above “SEX”)[/li][li]Do my own hair and makeup the way I want it done[/li][li]Drive an hour on a windy country road alone, in a really hot car[/li][li]Throw a huge party with all of my friends and perform a keg stand there[/li][li]Have more sex[/li][li]Go surfing[/li][li]Go to the bathroom ALONE[/li][li]Go to Nordstrom and try on every dress in Savvy[/li][li]Wear really skanky short shorts ;)[/li][li]Sport a super hot bikini[/li][li]Probably spend a full hour just scratching my nose (LOL)[/li][li]…And fall into bed that night exhausted and sore, and sleep the whole night on my tummy.[/li][/ul] There might be more, but that’s all I could think of in 30 seconds. 😉 (Oh, and of course, do like a lot of charity work and stuff, too…) ---
**Author:** ![Dunkelheit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dunkelheit/32/248_2.png) [@Dunkelheit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dunkelheit)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2012, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/738 "2012-06-09T19:13:04Z")
> [@umkay](#): > > I need to point out that, though I “feel” orgasm mentally, I don’t “achieve” it that way. No amount of sexy thinking could make me orgasm; my thoughts can’t make it to my genitals. My brain is a _beneficiary_ of the physical, hormonal changes that occur _after_ orgasm, but it doesn’t play a role in the production of such. The main pathway that goes directly between the brain and the genitals has, in my case, been severed. > > There are of course other connections, and I assume those are the pathways along which the sensations that I do get when I orgasm travel. I say “assume” because neither I nor my doctors nor any other SCI experts are exactly sure why or how completes like me can still orgasm. Something like half of women with SCIs can, though that also means that about half can’t (according to stats I’ve seen over the years with, I’m assuming, varying degrees of accuracy). It’s a little bit of a mystery. > > However, even though I can sometimes orgasm, I never lubricate, not even if my thoughts are positively sizzling. 😉 Apparently, the brain plays a big role in lubrication, judging from an almost universal difficulty with this aspect of sexuality in spinal injured women. It’s not a big deal to me, personally. It’s just something my partner has to be aware of so that we can use artificial means. Thanks for your answer. That’s what I meant by “achieve”, though I can see how it was confusing. 😉 I meant that you feel it mentally, even though you can’t feel the area where it’s being generated. I’ve read that this is possible because the nerves from the genitals to the brain are not part of the spinal column, but I don’t remember where I read that. Some science magazine a few years ago. So, as long as that neural pathway isn’t damaged, it’s still possible. Probably those who can’t have sustained damage to that part as well. Interesting about the lubrication. I know that it’s largely mentally triggered (for me at least), but I don’t know anything about the mechanism for doing so. Along similar lines, my husband and I were pondering recently whether women experience the same sort of involuntary reaction that men do, when they, say, wake up with “morning wood” without an obvious sexual trigger for it. The brain’s a funny thing, I wonder if they’ll ever really understand how it works. ---
**Author:** ![Napier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ce73a5/32.png) [@Napier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Napier)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2012, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/739 "2012-06-09T19:20:20Z")
> [@umkay](#): > > Ahahahahahahahahahaha! This is hilarious. I’d be like, “Dude, what’s your deal? Get over it already!” 😃 Well, I think this might be a first. I don’t think anybody has ever called me “dude” before. And then I’d say “sorry” again and you would do eye rolls and motor off, right? ---
**Author:** ![BMalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@BMalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BMalion)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2012, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436/740 "2012-06-09T19:31:40Z")
I wish I was a wizard. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436.md?page=36) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-girl-in-the-wheelchair/622436.md?page=38)