# Ask the guy who is not a Scientologist **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 20, 2009, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-who-is-not-a-scientologist/521986 "2009-12-20T21:32:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Scuba\_Ben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Scuba\_Ben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scuba_Ben)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2009, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-who-is-not-a-scientologist/521986/21 "2009-12-22T20:22:31Z")
I came in here to ask a question similar to **Voyager** ’s: Did you become a 24/7 non-Scientologist after reading _Battlefield Earth_? I read that book, and that’s 20 hours of my life that **I want back!** ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2009, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-who-is-not-a-scientologist/521986/22 "2009-12-22T20:27:21Z")
> [@Scuba\_Ben](#): > > I came in here to ask a question similar to **Voyager** ’s: > > Did you become a 24/7 non-Scientologist after reading _Battlefield Earth_? I read that book, and that’s 20 hours of my life that **I want back!** I never read Battlefield Earth, but I read Mission Earth and I want the year and a half of my life back. Anyway, even though you’re clearly not a Scientoligist, do you think that you’d still be able to defeat a Psychlo with a 100 year old fighter (and remarkably still flight worthy) plane if given the opportunity? ---
**Author:** ![armedmonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2009, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-who-is-not-a-scientologist/521986/23 "2009-12-22T20:44:03Z")
> [@Napier](#): > > Do you know anybody who doesn’t believe in Ley Lines? Not believing in Ley Lines is what’s really fascinating to me. I’d join a club of people who don’t believe in Ley Lines, if I knew where one was. Have I got the club for you. In addition to my outreach work for PETE, I’m also the treasurer for LLAMA. If you show up to our meeting room on the corner of Sesame Street and Electric Avenue I’ll let you in without paying the membership fee. Also, we know that the two “L”'s stand for ley lines, but we can’t think up what the “AMA” should stand for. We just really like llamas. ---
**Author:** ![Quercus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/7ab992/32.png) [@Quercus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quercus)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2009, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-who-is-not-a-scientologist/521986/24 "2009-12-22T20:50:47Z")
So, if you’re not a member of the Church of Scientology, where do you get your e-meters? And do you have to audit yourself? ---
**Author:** ![armedmonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2009, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-who-is-not-a-scientologist/521986/25 "2009-12-22T21:18:06Z")
**Voyager** and **Scuba** If one is to truly be not a Scientologist, one most go through THE RITE OF PAIN. It involves reading a short story from L Ron Hubbard. Believe me, the Sioux initiation rite is more humane. You ever see _A Man Called Horse_ where they string the guy up by his nipples? It’s worse that that. > [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](#): > > do you think that you’d still be able to defeat a Psychlo with a 100 year old fighter (and remarkably still flight worthy) plane if given the opportunity? I do not need the jet. Upon reaching level three, each not a Scientologist acolyte is issued two chihuahuas to care for. Upon reaching level four we learn how to tie their tales together to make nunchuckas. No Psychlo can defeat a not a scientologist armed with a set of chihuahua nunchuckas. ---
**Author:** ![Knorf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/58956e/32.png) [@Knorf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knorf)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2009, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-who-is-not-a-scientologist/521986/26 "2009-12-22T21:49:06Z")
[What crimes have you committed?](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPol_m8wm8Y) ---
**Author:** ![armedmonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2009, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-who-is-not-a-scientologist/521986/27 "2009-12-22T22:28:43Z")
> [@Quercus](#): > > So, if you’re not a member of the Church of Scientology, where do you get your e-meters? e-meters are bullshit. If you want to use an electrical device to to find the truth, use a taser. > [@Knorf](#): > > What crimes have you committed? I once took Katie Holmes across state line for immoral purposes. ---
**Author:** ![Dallas\_Jones](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dallas_jones/32/3277_2.png) [@Dallas\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dallas_Jones)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2009, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-who-is-not-a-scientologist/521986/28 "2009-12-23T00:04:12Z")
> [@A Monkey With a Gun](#): > > **ghardester** “How’s the clam chowder?” > > Quite tasty, please thank your sister for sending it to me. > **muldoonthief** “Would you like to take a free Personality Test?” > > Thanks, but I already took one today, so I’m good. Apparently my porn name is “Axlerod Cauliflower”. > **Intergalactic Gladiator** “How’s your Thetan doing?” > > Much better. The vet said that that thing on its tail should clear right up if I keep putting the ointment on it. > **Astroboy14** : Why do you hate Xenu? :sad: > > Do you want to go for a spaceship ride?, he says. It looks just like a DC-8, I say. It’s really a spaceship, and we’re all going to Burning Man!, he says. And pay no attention to the volcanoes, he says. > **tdn** : “Is it true what they say about non-Scientologists? You know, that their… thingy… is…I can’t bring it up in mixed company. But is it true?” > > Just ask **ghardester’s** sister. > **tr0psn4j** : “How many guys who are not Scientologists does it take to screw on a light bulb?” > > Just one, but then **gardester’s** sister said the light bulb was uncomfortable and we should move to the couch. > **jjimm** “1. How many times have you refrained from meeting John Travolta? 2. Nanu nanu?” > > 1. The same number of times as I’ve been with **ghardester’s** sister. Wait, does oral count as "refraining from meeting John Travolta? " > 2. Alf > **pravnik** Do you feel that you were born not being a Scientologist, or is not being a Scientologist the result of a conscious choice on your part? Also, how is babby formed? How girl get pragnent? > > As to the first part, I’m not sure it was a conscious choice so much as a calling. It developed in my early teens after I was forced to see the movie _Legend_. As to how girl get pragnet, that’s the same thing I asked **ghardester’s** sister! Did I miss a joke that I’m just not getting? Or did I manage to offend you? ---
**Author:** ![armedmonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2009, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-who-is-not-a-scientologist/521986/29 "2009-12-23T00:33:43Z")
> [@ghardester](#): > > Did I miss a joke that I’m just not getting? Or did I manage to offend you? Relax, it was just a comedic device. Pick an innocent and then tell dirty jokes about either his mom or his sister, then beat the dead horse with the joke. I meant no offense. You ever seen a roast? ---
**Author:** ![Napier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ce73a5/32.png) [@Napier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Napier)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2009, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-who-is-not-a-scientologist/521986/30 "2009-12-23T00:39:09Z")
> [@A Monkey With a Gun](#): > > We just really like llamas. Are you sure you don’t mean you really llike llamas? ---
**Author:** ![armedmonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2009, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-who-is-not-a-scientologist/521986/31 "2009-12-23T00:48:13Z")
> [@Napier](#): > > Are you sure you don’t mean you really llike llamas? We certainly don’t like lorenzo llamas. ---
**Author:** ![Scuba\_Ben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Scuba\_Ben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scuba_Ben)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2009, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-who-is-not-a-scientologist/521986/32 "2009-12-23T01:49:31Z")
> [@A Monkey With a Gun](#): > > **Voyager** and **Scuba** If one is to truly be not a Scientologist, one most go through THE RITE OF PAIN. It involves reading a short story from L Ron Hubbard. Believe me, the Sioux initiation rite is more humane. You ever see _A Man Called Horse_ where they string the guy up by his nipples? It’s worse that that. Having read a Hubbard _novel_, I’d rather re-watch _Manos_ (MST3K version) than read that book again. As for the normal version of the movie – it’s a toss-up between that and BE; I think the Sioux initiation would be more pleasant than either. ---
**Author:** ![armedmonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2009, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-who-is-not-a-scientologist/521986/33 "2009-12-23T02:34:00Z")
> [@Scuba\_Ben](#): > > Having read a Hubbard _novel_, You have sinned, my friend. You have gazed too long upon the Hubbard. But fear not! For the Gospel of Kilgore Trout will save you. Say the sacred words with me. "Human beings are chimpanzees who get crazy drunk on power. " Atone, my friend, atone. ---
**Author:** ![armedmonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2009, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-who-is-not-a-scientologist/521986/34 "2009-12-23T03:20:50Z")
And eat a banana, you need the potassium. It’ll give you staying power for **ghardester’s** mom. ---
**Author:** ![Scuba\_Ben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Scuba\_Ben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scuba_Ben)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2009, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-who-is-not-a-scientologist/521986/35 "2009-12-23T14:08:19Z")
> [@A Monkey With a Gun](#): > > Atone, my friend, atone. Please see my post that you quoted. I have indeed atoned. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Weird\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@The\_Weird\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Weird_One)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2009, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-who-is-not-a-scientologist/521986/36 "2009-12-23T14:59:22Z")
Is it true that people who are not Scientologists can only have sex through a hole in the sheet? Were your parents also not Scientologists? ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Amazing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6de8d8/32.png) [@Captain\_Amazing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Amazing)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2009, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-who-is-not-a-scientologist/521986/37 "2009-12-23T15:05:27Z")
If you’re not a Scientologist, who audits you? ---
**Author:** ![Scuba\_Ben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Scuba\_Ben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scuba_Ben)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2009, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-who-is-not-a-scientologist/521986/38 "2009-12-23T15:32:16Z")
> [@Captain\_Amazing](#): > > If you’re not a Scientologist, who audits you? **In Soviet Russia, YOU audit Scientology.** ---
**Author:** ![Dallas\_Jones](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dallas_jones/32/3277_2.png) [@Dallas\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dallas_Jones)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2009, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-who-is-not-a-scientologist/521986/39 "2009-12-23T18:09:58Z")
> [@A Monkey With a Gun](#): > > Relax, it was just a comedic device. Pick an innocent and then tell dirty jokes about either his mom or his sister, then beat the dead horse with the joke. I meant no offense. You ever seen a roast? Just checking, thanks. Roast away. I don’t get easily offended but if I offend someone else I like to know about it. Because I feel bad…for a minute. ---
**Author:** ![armedmonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2009, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-who-is-not-a-scientologist/521986/40 "2009-12-23T20:46:19Z")
> [@The\_Weird\_One](#): > > Is it true that people who are not Scientologists can only have sex through a hole in the sheet? > > Were your parents also not Scientologists? I’m sorry, but I am sworn not discuss, the sacred 5000 thread count glory hole. I can say however, that it is only used when she’s really ugly. As to the second part, did you know that if someone’s parents never had any kids, then chances are that person won’t have any either? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-who-is-not-a-scientologist/521986.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-who-is-not-a-scientologist/521986.md?page=3)