# Ask the guy who's got a lot of time on his hands and enjoys talking about himself **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 1, 2005, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-whos-got-a-lot-of-time-on-his-hands-and-enjoys-talking-about-himself/287702 "2005-02-01T01:21:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![roger\_thornhill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d9b06d/32.png) [@roger\_thornhill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/roger_thornhill)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2005, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-whos-got-a-lot-of-time-on-his-hands-and-enjoys-talking-about-himself/287702/41 "2005-02-01T22:56:20Z")
> [@Susie Derkins](#): > > Do you have any embarrassing stories that will make me laugh and cringe simultaneously? Told this one already so apologies to my fans. I was on a cricket (of course) tour in Swansea, Wales, in the days when I could still play a bit. One evening the lads say “Let’s go to so-and-so club - it’s wet T-shirt night tonight”. I reply, “I haven’t brought a T-shirt”. I was 26. We know what tea towel is hanging on your Aga, **Dead Cat**. **Dalai Lama** : Jolly good, thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Typically\_Sunday](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7ba0ec/32.png) [@Typically\_Sunday](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typically_Sunday)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2005, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-whos-got-a-lot-of-time-on-his-hands-and-enjoys-talking-about-himself/287702/42 "2005-02-01T23:01:06Z")
Have you ever shot a man in Reno just to watch him die? ---
**Author:** ![roger\_thornhill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d9b06d/32.png) [@roger\_thornhill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/roger_thornhill)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2005, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-whos-got-a-lot-of-time-on-his-hands-and-enjoys-talking-about-himself/287702/43 "2005-02-01T23:10:25Z")
[QUOTE=Knowed Out] Which way do the toilets flush down there? [QUOTE] Funny you should ask. Soon after I first came here I was living in a remote place called Tai O. (Yes, it is a stupid name.) The place was a bit basic and there were no flush toilets. So when you needed to “go to the bathroom”, you had to squat (froggy-style) over a pit. We used to chuck lime in the pit every day to, well, you know. I didn’t “go to the bathroom” for eight days. > [@](#): > > Is it true that the natives have to pipe in sunlight via fiberoptic cable? I deplore racism and ethnic stereotyping. Orientals are human beings too, you know. > [@](#): > > SO what part about you do you enjoy talking? English please. **Wrenchslinger** , we play the abbreviated version of the game here. Umpiring just occupies me from 9.45am to 5.30pm on Sundays (twice a month). Did I mention I still play on Saturdays? I work for a very results-oriented company. Quality not quantity. Plus, I add value. Keep 'em coming! ---
**Author:** ![roger\_thornhill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d9b06d/32.png) [@roger\_thornhill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/roger_thornhill)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2005, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-whos-got-a-lot-of-time-on-his-hands-and-enjoys-talking-about-himself/287702/44 "2005-02-01T23:13:13Z")
> [@Typically Sunday](#): > > Have you ever shot a man in Reno just to watch him die? No, I neva da-done that. ('Scuse the stutter - I should never have swallowd those stones) ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2005, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-whos-got-a-lot-of-time-on-his-hands-and-enjoys-talking-about-himself/287702/45 "2005-02-02T03:04:11Z")
Why, **Roger** , why? And in front of the dog?? Really, you know she’ll never breed now. ---
**Author:** ![roger\_thornhill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d9b06d/32.png) [@roger\_thornhill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/roger_thornhill)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2005, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-whos-got-a-lot-of-time-on-his-hands-and-enjoys-talking-about-himself/287702/46 "2005-02-02T03:15:45Z")
**Portia** , it was a moment of weakness. The dog has forgiven me. Why can’t you? ---
**Author:** ![Girl\_From\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3da27b/32.png) [@Girl\_From\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Girl_From_Mars)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2005, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-whos-got-a-lot-of-time-on-his-hands-and-enjoys-talking-about-himself/287702/47 "2005-02-02T03:42:47Z")
Tell us the thing about you that you are most afraid of us asking about. Tell me a story. What was your earliest memory? Tell us about the first girl/guy you fell in love with. Tell me a story. I’m bored. I want a drink. Are we there yet? ---
**Author:** ![Silver\_Fire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@Silver\_Fire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Fire)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2005, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-whos-got-a-lot-of-time-on-his-hands-and-enjoys-talking-about-himself/287702/48 "2005-02-02T04:05:12Z")
> [@harmless](#): > > Or is it everyone’s secret wish at some point that they could sell a body part on ebay? I wanted to sell my gall bladder on ebay, but the surgeon wouldn’t give it up. Bastard. ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2005, 6:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-whos-got-a-lot-of-time-on-his-hands-and-enjoys-talking-about-himself/287702/49 "2005-02-02T06:25:17Z")
> [@](#): > > I deplore racism and ethnic stereotyping. Orientals are human beings too, you know. Yeah, but sometimes they all look alike. (Blatantly stolen line) What is your favorite music genre? Name five or six of your favorite pieces in that genre. Also name five or six of your favorite movies and books. What single book has had the most influence on your thinking? Boxers or briefs? ---
**Author:** ![roger\_thornhill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d9b06d/32.png) [@roger\_thornhill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/roger_thornhill)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2005, 6:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-whos-got-a-lot-of-time-on-his-hands-and-enjoys-talking-about-himself/287702/50 "2005-02-02T06:59:35Z")
> [@Zoe](#): > > Yeah, but sometimes they all look alike. I find that comment both gratuitous and offensive. My wife looks much nicer than those tarty Thais. I’ve heard Jap birds love western meat, though, so I’m off to Tokyo with the lads at CNY. > [@Zoe](#): > > What is your favorite music genre? Name five or six of your favorite pieces in that genre. > > Also name five or six of your favorite movies and books. > > What single book has had the most influence on your thinking? Classical (especially choral - I sing tenor badly in a choir): Brahms’ _German Requiem,_ Elgar’s _Dream of Gerontius_, Rossini’s \*Petite Messe Solonnelle \* (did I spell that right? I can’t be bothered to google and am getting so relaxed with this that I’m willing to lose a little cred); Mozart’s _Magic Flute_ (operatic perfection); Mozart’s _Piano Concerto No. 15 (K450)_ (I got the cassette tape off my brother as a kid, have subsequently taken it with me around the world - well, to Hong Kong - have played it a thousand times, and have always dreamed of conducting it one day - pathetic, I know), Chopin’s _Nocturne in C Sharp Minor_ (as featured in _The Pianist_ - had to google that one - couldn’t get the key wrong). The Bible has had the most influence on my thinking, although less effect than I would have liked on the way I live. Gee, this is gloriously self-indulgent. Favourite books: _The Open Society and Its Enemies_ (Popper), _The Brothers Karamazov_ (Dostoyevsky), _Schindler’s Ark_ (Kennealy), \*Homage to Catalonia \* (Orwell), _The Four Loves_ (CS Lewis) Favourite films: _North by Northwest_, _One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest_, _The Deer Hunter_, _Annie Hall_, _Taxi Driver_ > [@](#): > > Boxers or briefs? I hate boxers! ---
**Author:** ![Starving\_Artist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aeb1de/32.png) [@Starving\_Artist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Starving_Artist)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2005, 7:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-whos-got-a-lot-of-time-on-his-hands-and-enjoys-talking-about-himself/287702/51 "2005-02-02T07:17:59Z")
_Cricket_? _Umpiring_? Those _books_! That _music_! Egads! I mean, what do you do for _fun_? Poor **Rog**. 😉 P.S.: You haven’t answered **Girl From Mars** yet. We’re all waiting… ---
**Author:** ![roger\_thornhill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d9b06d/32.png) [@roger\_thornhill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/roger_thornhill)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2005, 8:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-whos-got-a-lot-of-time-on-his-hands-and-enjoys-talking-about-himself/287702/52 "2005-02-02T08:38:13Z")
OK, **Starvers** , since it’s you and we’ve shared, in company with your favourite older woman(!), many a glass of Merlot over these past few months, I will answer **Girl from Mars** ’ question about my first love. How perceptive of the distaff Martian to write “girl/guy”! She (it?) must have sensed my secret past. When I read those words, a frisson of - I don’t know - guilty pleasure, I suppose, shot through me as I remembered my very first time. Even to this day, I cannot hear the name Gerald mentioned without being momentarily stopped in my tracks, as if I were reading a nice gentle thread about favourite religions and suddenly came across a post by Gum. I was young, a callow public schoolboy, naïf and trusting in equal measure, and Gerald was everything that I wasn’t, everything I looked up to. He had the wit of Nightwatch Trailer, the wisdom of CK Dexter Haven, the erudition of Polycarp, the urbanity of matt\_mcl, the class of Eve, the worldliness of Tentacle Monster, the worldweariness of Diogenes, the compassion of Incubus, the tenacity of Marley, the vivacity of Shirley Ujest, the levity of SentientMeat, the subtlety of SolGrundy, the modesty of Liberal, the eyes of START, and the bra size of Kaitlyn. I was smitten. Alas! it couldn’t last. As Keats once wrote, though, “Hope may vanish but cannot die”, and I live in hope of rekindling the passion that I once knew. What happened to our love child, I will never know. That was my choice. That has been my choice. It will ever be my choice. That is the path I have chosen. I have no regrets. Except perhaps that I didn’t find out. Like a manatee that dies if it doesn’t keep moving when the retirees in flip-up sunglasses take their speedboat for a spin in an attempt to recapture their lost youth, I must wear the scars of my healed propeller wounds with pride. ---
**Author:** ![Starving\_Artist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aeb1de/32.png) [@Starving\_Artist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Starving_Artist)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2005, 9:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-whos-got-a-lot-of-time-on-his-hands-and-enjoys-talking-about-himself/287702/53 "2005-02-02T09:18:29Z")
**Roger** , thank you for sharing this touching and modestly amusing story with us. It was both more than I could hope for and less than I could expect. Ah, well…c’est la vie. I guess we can’t all share such a tender yet crushing experience and expect to come through it relatively scathed in the way that you have. It’s unfortunate that your first experience couldn’t have been with the highly experienced lover who first opened to me the doors of love. Had you been fortunate enough to have entered those hallowed portals – as had so many before you – you would have been blessed with memories that remain unsupplanted to this very day by those who were to follow afterward. Alas, such was not your fate! Thus you have been left a hollow shell of a man, looking for such modest pleasures as can be found in the sound of a cricket bat or in the words of CS Lewis. But, zut alors! You still have the wonderful Merlot! So life is good, yes, no? ---
**Author:** ![owlstretchingtime](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/958977/32.png) [@owlstretchingtime](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/owlstretchingtime)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2005, 9:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-whos-got-a-lot-of-time-on-his-hands-and-enjoys-talking-about-himself/287702/54 "2005-02-02T09:24:26Z")
Cricket in HK - Horrible Kookaburra balls? Or have you got Duke’s balls? ---
**Author:** ![Starving\_Artist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aeb1de/32.png) [@Starving\_Artist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Starving_Artist)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2005, 9:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-whos-got-a-lot-of-time-on-his-hands-and-enjoys-talking-about-himself/287702/55 "2005-02-02T09:26:21Z")
But, all kidding aside, that was hilarious, **Roger**! This thread has racheted up my already high estimation of you manyfold. You are indeed one to be taken seriously. My compliments to you, sir. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![marky33](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e495f1/32.png) [@marky33](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/marky33)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2005, 9:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-whos-got-a-lot-of-time-on-his-hands-and-enjoys-talking-about-himself/287702/56 "2005-02-02T09:38:24Z")
ParknShop or Wellcome? ---
**Author:** ![Girl\_From\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3da27b/32.png) [@Girl\_From\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Girl_From_Mars)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2005, 9:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-whos-got-a-lot-of-time-on-his-hands-and-enjoys-talking-about-himself/287702/57 "2005-02-02T09:57:34Z")
My next question is; why should we ask you any more questions? I want some signal that you recognise our attention spans to this thread may be short, I want to see you fight a little for survival. Come on - why shouldn’t we fire you? Also, what happened to Gerald, and is he now your Chinese wife? ---
**Author:** ![roger\_thornhill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d9b06d/32.png) [@roger\_thornhill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/roger_thornhill)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2005, 11:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-whos-got-a-lot-of-time-on-his-hands-and-enjoys-talking-about-himself/287702/58 "2005-02-02T11:03:21Z")
> [@owlstretchingtime](#): > > Cricket in HK - Horrible Kookaburra balls? You’re psychic, sir. The balls are soft after 15 overs. I remember the days when they were hard. **marky33** , I’m a Wellcome man myself by choice, but usually a PnS man by necessity. Okay, the amah does the shopping, anyway. **Girl From Mars** , you’re a tough nut. I like you. I have not heard from Gerald since that fateful day nearly 30 years ago. I believe, though, that he got the Headship at Harrow. And as for why you should want to ask me any more questions, I cannot speak for the others, but as for you, I immediately re-directed your emails to the Junk folder when I received the one entitled ‘Faster Than Ever’. You want to communicate with me, you do it here. Hon. **Starvers** , you’re most kind. ---
**Author:** ![owlstretchingtime](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/958977/32.png) [@owlstretchingtime](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/owlstretchingtime)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2005, 11:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-whos-got-a-lot-of-time-on-his-hands-and-enjoys-talking-about-himself/287702/59 "2005-02-02T11:07:19Z")
> [@roger thornhill](#): > > We love United, we do Have you not read the memo? You’re all Chelsea fans now. Them’s the rules. ---
**Author:** ![roger\_thornhill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d9b06d/32.png) [@roger\_thornhill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/roger_thornhill)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2005, 11:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-whos-got-a-lot-of-time-on-his-hands-and-enjoys-talking-about-himself/287702/60 "2005-02-02T11:29:18Z")
> [@owlstretchingtime](#): > > Have you not read the memo? You’re all Chelsea fans now. Them’s the rules. I’m anybody’s if they offer enough money. A pony will do. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-whos-got-a-lot-of-time-on-his-hands-and-enjoys-talking-about-himself/287702.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-guy-whos-got-a-lot-of-time-on-his-hands-and-enjoys-talking-about-himself/287702.md?page=4)