# Ask the hung-over, department-store Santa **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 29, 2003, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873 "2003-11-29T06:47:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2003, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/1 "2003-11-29T06:47:38Z")
**Ho, Ho, Ho** ooooooh, my head. Why’d I switch to bourbon at 3 a.m.? God, I think I need to put an air-sickness bag behind my beard, just in case. Look at all the brats lining up already. Time to put on my “game face.” Ho, Ho, Ho, Merry Christmas, everybody. Why don’t you crawl up on Andy’s … uh, _Santa’s_ lap and tell me what you want this year? ---
**Author:** ![SanguineSpider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SanguineSpider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanguineSpider)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2003, 6:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/2 "2003-11-29T06:55:46Z")
I want you to wash between your crack, Santa! Your odor is making baby Jesus cry! ---
**Author:** ![mordecaiB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mordecaib/32/7725_2.png) [@mordecaiB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mordecaiB)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2003, 6:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/3 "2003-11-29T06:57:41Z")
This is a trick. If I get on your lap, you will just do the Santa’s trap door thing. I’m not falling for that again. ---
**Author:** ![Chavardz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/91b2a8/32.png) [@Chavardz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chavardz)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2003, 8:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/4 "2003-11-29T08:04:14Z")
Now I now how Santa keeps warm in the north pole… BOURBON! ---
**Author:** ![Farmwoman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8dc957/32.png) [@Farmwoman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmwoman)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2003, 12:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/5 "2003-11-29T12:16:50Z")
Oohh Santa! Is that a wee elf in your pocket, or are you just … Question: The only chimney in our house leads directly to the furnace…down in the cellar. How do you handle homes like mine? ---
**Author:** ![Fionn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a587f6/32.png) [@Fionn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fionn)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2003, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/6 "2003-11-29T15:36:10Z")
Can I have a pony? ---
**Author:** ![peritrochoid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@peritrochoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/peritrochoid)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2003, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/7 "2003-11-29T15:40:21Z")
Why didn’t you eat the sardines I left out for you last year? ---
**Author:** ![misstee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/958977/32.png) [@misstee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/misstee)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2003, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/8 "2003-11-29T15:43:44Z")
Santa Andy, If I were to sit on your lap and ask nicely, would you give me what I want for Christmas? ---
**Author:** ![Mehitabel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8797f3/32.png) [@Mehitabel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mehitabel)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2003, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/9 "2003-11-29T15:53:33Z")
You are [Al Bundy](http://www.bundyology.com/hpg/712.html) and I claim my fifty bucks. ---
**Author:** ![KRC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/45deac/32.png) [@KRC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KRC)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2003, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/10 "2003-11-29T15:58:05Z")
Fionn, you don’t want a smelly old pony. You want a BB gun. You really do. And ignore those bozos who tell you you’ll put your eye out. You know you’ll be careful. ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2003, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/11 "2003-11-29T18:48:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SanguineSpider \* > \*\*I want you to wash between your crack, Santa! Your odor is making baby Jesus cry! \*\* **What’s that, child? You say you want a _snack_ for Christmas. Why, dear child, that’s so nice of you to ask for something modest. You are a lesson to us all.** Okay, kid, now smile reeeeeaaal nice as you leave or I’ll stuff you down that crack to find the source. **Ho, ho, ho.** ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2003, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/12 "2003-11-29T18:50:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Hup the Fool \* > \*\*This is a trick. If I get on your lap, you will just do the Santa’s trap door thing. I’m not falling for that again. \*\* **Why, dear child, Santa loves everyone. I wouldn’t trick you. My lap is perfectly safe. Just ask the strippers who give me lap … uh, the _shoppers_ who give me, uh, their children – to sit on my lap.** ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2003, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/13 "2003-11-29T18:52:25Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Chavardz \* > \*\*Now I now how Santa keeps warm in the north pole… BOURBON! \*\* **Bon bons? Why, yes. You can have bon bons for Christmas.** Oh, Jesus, folks, Santa is really needing a little hair of the reindeer that bit him. ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2003, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/14 "2003-11-29T18:55:45Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Farmwoman \* > \*\*Oohh Santa! Is that a wee elf in your pocket, or are you just … > > Question: > > The only chimney in our house leads directly to the furnace…down in the cellar. How do you handle homes like mine? \*\* Why, Santa is always happy to see _everyone._ You see, an upright jolly old elf. I … I mean, a _right_ jolly old elf. Not upright. Heh, heh. I mean, Ho, ho, ho. Santa doesn’t always have to come down the chimney. There are many ways for Santa to come. Leave me your phone number, babe, and I’ll show you a few of them. ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2003, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/15 "2003-11-29T18:57:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by misstee \* > \*\*Santa Andy, > > If I were to sit on your lap and ask nicely, would you give me what I want for Christmas? \*\* _Ho, ho, ho!_ ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2003, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/16 "2003-11-29T18:59:12Z")
Just a minute, kids. Santa has to take a break to attend to some very important business. But I’ll be back to take care of the rest of your wishes. Be patient. Santa will be back. Ho, ho, ho. where’d I stash the bourbon? ---
**Author:** ![Etherman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/958977/32.png) [@Etherman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Etherman)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2003, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/17 "2003-11-29T19:14:02Z")
Wheres my damn train set, I asked like 20 years ago, and I been good. at least for a few of those years ---
**Author:** ![Chavardz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/91b2a8/32.png) [@Chavardz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chavardz)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2003, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/18 "2003-11-29T19:50:00Z")
You sound just like the other santas ---
**Author:** ![SanguineSpider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SanguineSpider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanguineSpider)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2003, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/19 "2003-11-29T21:15:15Z")
Santa Andy, why does it hurt when you pee? ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2003, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/20 "2003-11-30T17:25:27Z")
\*\*Hey, kids, Santa’s back! And feeling reeaaaaal jolly. Ho, ho, ho. Who’s next? > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by peritrochoid \* > Why didn’t you eat the sardines I left out for you last year? \*\* Santa believes in sharing and … Ug. The thought of fish on a hung-over stomach … I think I’m gonna … 'Scuse me, kids. Santa has to visit the little elves room. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873.md?page=2)