# Ask the hung-over, department-store Santa **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 29, 2003, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873 "2003-11-29T06:47:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2003, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/21 "2003-11-30T17:29:06Z")
Urp. Okay, back again. This is the day that never ends. So who’s next to sit on Santa’s lap? > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Fionn \* > \*\*Can I have a pony? \*\* Well, now, ponies are very hard to take care of and they need a lot of love and attention. Not only that … Say, is that your father over there? It is? That’s the bastard that got me canned from my last job. Oh, yes, Fionn, you can have a pony. Two ponies. Even three if you want. Just remember that no matter how your parents pretend, Santa said you are getting them. ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2003, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/22 "2003-11-30T17:30:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Mehitabel \* > \*\*You are [Al Bundy](http://www.bundyology.com/hpg/712.html) and I claim my fifty bucks. \*\* Candy? Why, yes, candy for everybody. Ho, ho, ho. ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2003, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/23 "2003-11-30T17:34:51Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Etherman \* > \*\*Wheres my damn train set, I asked like 20 years ago, and I been good. > > at least for a few of those years \*\* Well, now sit on Santa’s lap and let’s have a nice little chat about … _Oooof!_ Jesus, how much do you weigh? Gawdamighty, if you’re still bitching about something you didn’t get 20 years ago, isn’t it time to move on? Merry Christmas. Ho, ho, ho. ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2003, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/24 "2003-11-30T17:37:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Chavardz \* > \*\*You sound just like the other santas \*\* Why, there is only one Santa, little Chavardz. No wonder you think of of us, er, me, sound like each other. 'Cause we’re the only one there is. Yeah, kid, Santa’s a fake and you ain’t getting jack shit. ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2003, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/25 "2003-11-30T17:40:15Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SanguineSpider \* > \*\*Santa Andy, why does it hurt when you pee? \*\* What’s that? Why does it hurt when you be … bad? Because when you be bad, you, uh, you ain’t nothing. I be good all year round. At the North Pole, I be chillin’. Word. ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2003, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/26 "2003-11-30T19:07:07Z")
Santa, can I have a dragon for Christmas? And why does your breath smell funny like Daddy’s? ---
**Author:** ![I\_can\_t\_believe\_that\_s\_butter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8edcca/32.png) [@I\_can\_t\_believe\_that\_s\_butter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_can_t_believe_that_s_butter)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2003, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/27 "2003-11-30T19:58:12Z")
Santa, why are you beginning to sweat so profusely? It’s landing on me! ---
**Author:** ![Horseflesh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horseflesh/32/7502_2.png) [@Horseflesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horseflesh)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2003, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/28 "2003-11-30T22:04:28Z")
_There_ you are. Hold still. \ Remember me? Remember Tangiers? Remember the camera? 'Course you don’t, you were plowed. Okay, here’s the deal. I don’t tell Mrs. Claus about your late night threesomes with the Easter Bunny and the Great Pumpkin, I send you a case of bourbon every month wrapped in plain brown paper marked “Medical Supplies - Do Not Delay”, and in return you fork over three elves that will make all the toys I want all year long and Rudolph becomes my personal steed. And I don’t want no ugly elves – there’s nothing worse than watching an ugly naked elf sweatin’ his ass of working in a wood shop. Deal? ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2003, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/29 "2003-12-01T00:01:21Z")
Dear Santa, Mommy told me to ask you for world peace. Daddy told me to ask you for a world-class piece. What kind of peas will I get for Christmas? ---
**Author:** ![BraheSilver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecccb3/32.png) [@BraheSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BraheSilver)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2003, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/30 "2003-12-01T01:05:37Z")
Dear Santa: I did a dance on Mommy’s plants, climbed a tree and tore my pants, filled the sugar bowl with ants, and somebody snitched on me. Am I gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas? God, I sang that 14 years ago in third grade and still remember it. Santa, can I have some decent memory management? ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2003, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/31 "2003-12-01T03:01:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Kat \* > \*\*Santa, can I have a dragon for Christmas? And why does your breath smell funny like Daddy’s? \*\* Dragon, my ass. I – I mean, I’m _draggin’_ my … Jeez, I’m just digging myself deeper in a hole here. Why, little Kat, I can’t give you a dragon because dragons are imiginary, like the Easter Bunny or Santa Cla … Man, I am **not** exactly at the top of my game, today. No more bourbon the night before. Never again. Or, like Santa Clause _says,_ (ahem) dragons are not a good Christmas gift. Wouldn’t you like something a little easier for Santa to carry? Something that you can get at Target? And your daddy sounds like a fine man. All great men have breath just like this. ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2003, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/32 "2003-12-01T03:05:15Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Joe K \* > \*\*Santa, why are you beginning to sweat so profusely? It’s landing on me! \*\* Why, it’s snow, little child. Snow from the North Pole, melting and falling from my silver hair. **You** trying wearing this outfit and not sweating. Where’d they get the fur trim – roadkill possum? ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2003, 4:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/33 "2003-12-01T04:57:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Horseflesh \* > \*\*_There_ you are. Hold still. > > \ > > Remember me? Remember Tangiers? Remember the camera? 'Course you don’t, you were plowed. > > Okay, here’s the deal. I don’t tell Mrs. Claus about your late night threesomes with the Easter Bunny and the Great Pumpkin, I send you a case of bourbon every month wrapped in plain brown paper marked “Medical Supplies - Do Not Delay”, and in return you fork over three elves that will make all the toys I want all year long and Rudolph becomes my personal steed. And I don’t want no ugly elves – there’s nothing worse than watching an ugly naked elf sweatin’ his ass of working in a wood shop. > > Deal? \*\* Uh, Ho, ho, ho, everyone. Looks like the kids are getting bigger every year. Ho, ho, ho. Awright, the bourbon sounds tempting, but one case a month? Being Santa is thirstier work than that. Besides, I can’t send the elves off to work in slave-labor conditions. I keep them at home for that. ---
**Author:** ![MikeG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mikeg/32/4329_2.png) [@MikeG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MikeG)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2003, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/34 "2003-12-01T05:01:46Z")
I want an official Red Ryder Carbine Action 200 shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time! Whattya say? ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2003, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/35 "2003-12-01T05:09:50Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by EddyTeddyFreddy \* > \*\*Dear Santa, > > Mommy told me to ask you for world peace. Daddy told me to ask you for a world-class piece. What kind of peas will I get for Christmas? \*\* Why, this is Christmas, child! You can have any kind of piece you want. yeah, and when I go to your house, I get any kind of piece _I_ want. ---
**Author:** ![Raymond\_Luxury\_Yacht](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raymond_luxury_yacht/32/4099_2.png) [@Raymond\_Luxury\_Yacht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Raymond_Luxury_Yacht)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2003, 5:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/36 "2003-12-01T05:11:08Z")
Can I have a swig? ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2003, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/37 "2003-12-01T05:27:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by BraheSilver \* > \*\*Dear Santa: > > I did a dance on Mommy’s plants, climbed a tree and tore my pants, filled the sugar bowl with ants, and somebody snitched on me. Am I gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas? > > God, I sang that 14 years ago in third grade and still remember it. Santa, can I have some decent memory management? \*\* And so it shall be, child. Santa will be giving you your very own personal digital assistant. Kid looks like he’s waaaay too into digital assistance, if ya know what I mean. ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2003, 5:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/38 "2003-12-01T05:31:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by MikeG \* > \*\*I want an official Red Ryder Carbine Action 200 shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time! > > Whattya say? \*\* Go for it, kid. That’s one of my favorites. ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2003, 5:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/39 "2003-12-01T05:35:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jehovah68 \* > \*\*Can I have a swig? \*\* Can you have a … sprig? Of misteltoe? Why, of course, dear child. Here, let Santa gives yer a great big ol’ kiss. ---
**Author:** ![SanguineSpider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SanguineSpider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanguineSpider)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2003, 6:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/40 "2003-12-01T06:59:05Z")
Santa Andy, why do you do drugs? Why do you sleep in the ally? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873.md?page=3)