# Ask the hung-over, department-store Santa **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 29, 2003, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873 "2003-11-29T06:47:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Chavardz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/91b2a8/32.png) [@Chavardz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chavardz)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2003, 7:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/41 "2003-12-01T07:06:11Z")
Dear santa, If there’s only one of you, can I shove that stupid lump of coal up yours? ---
**Author:** ![butter\_pie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/aca169/32.png) [@butter\_pie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/butter_pie)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2003, 8:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/42 "2003-12-01T08:56:51Z")
I’m not sitting on Santa’s lap anymore, everytime I do it’s always all lumpy and uncomfortable, especially in the middle. And even after I tell him what he wants, he’ll never let me leave. ---
**Author:** ![El\_Elvis\_Rojo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/898d66/32.png) [@El\_Elvis\_Rojo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Elvis_Rojo)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2003, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/43 "2003-12-01T14:57:31Z")
I want the head of John the Baptist on a silver plate. What? It’s festive. ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2003, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/44 "2003-12-01T15:51:02Z")
Gee, Santa, your nose is as red as Rudolph’s! I bet you could guide your sleigh all by yourself. Do you like this neat air horn I just got? Let me show you how it works. **BRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPP** Somebody tell the mall guy Santa’s clung to the ceiling. I want a keg and a new Lexus for Christmas. ---
**Author:** ![danceswithcats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9e8a1a/32.png) [@danceswithcats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danceswithcats)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2003, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/45 "2003-12-01T17:34:51Z")
I want a keg of Murphy’s Stout for Christmas only a keg of Murphy’s Stout will do don’t want a Bud, a beer that I abhor I want a keg of Murphy’s Stout to drink on Christmas morn I want a keg of Murphy’s Stout for Christmas please be Santa Claus and bring the brew you don’t have to use the dirty chimney flue just roll it through the front door-with a frosty mug or two I can see me now on Christmas morning crawling down the stairs oh, what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes to see a Murphy’s tapped and standing there I want a keg of Murphy’s Stout for Christmas only a keg of Murphy’s Stout will do no Miller Lite, no Blatz or Schlitz or Coors Murphy’s Stout is the brew that I adore and all my friends like Murphy’s like I do (sung to the tune: I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas) Author unknown-received from an equally twisted friend ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/46 "2003-12-02T03:59:19Z")
Well, if I can’t get a dragon, can I have a new CD player? And my mommy says you can take all the bottles from the locked cabinet in the dining room, if you want. ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/47 "2003-12-02T04:53:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SanguineSpider \* > \*\*Santa Andy, why do you do drugs? Why do you sleep in the ally? \*\* A dog? And a dolly to sleep with? Why, of course you can have them, if you’ve been a good little girl. Hey, kid, you want to see a picture of the [Ally I’m sleeping with?](http://home.earthlink.net/~dlevack1/ally.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/48 "2003-12-02T05:00:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Chavardz \* > \*\*Dear santa, > > If there’s only one of you, can I shove that stupid lump of coal up yours? \*\* But only bad children get lumps of coal. You’re not a bad child, are you? Because if you are, you never will ever get any presents again. I don’t think there are any bad children. Just children who are misunderstood. Just children who haven’t had a chance to show the love and the good that is inside them. Because if you show the love and goodness that is inside you, Santa will give you a pony this year. And all you have to do is … run over there and kick SanguineSpider. Plus I’ll throw in ten bucks. Ho, ho, ho. ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/49 "2003-12-02T05:02:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jinwicked \* > \*\*I’m not sitting on Santa’s lap anymore, everytime I do it’s always all lumpy and uncomfortable, especially in the middle. > > And even after I tell him what he wants, he’ll never let me leave. \*\* Gin … wicked … Wicked women and gin … uh, what were you saying? ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/50 "2003-12-02T05:21:36Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by El Elvis Rojo \* > \*\*I want the head of John the Baptist on a silver plate. > What? It’s festive. \*\* Now, now, child, Santa only gives gifts to the pure at heart. The true lesson of Christmas is that you can’t always get what you want. But, if you try some time, you just might find _ya just might find_ you get what you neeeeeed. Oooooh yeah. Hey, kids. Santa’s gettin’ down! ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/51 "2003-12-02T05:27:15Z")
You just might find, you just might find, you get what you neeeeeeeeed, aw right. > [@](#): > > **BRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPP** _igedda igedda igedda …_ See, kids. Santa can fly! Bet you don’t get that from any of those cheap-jack Santas over at the Dollar General. Jesus, this is the longest day of my life. ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 5:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/52 "2003-12-02T05:39:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by danceswithcats \* > \*\*I want a keg of Murphy’s Stout for Christmas > only a keg of Murphy’s Stout will do > don’t want a Bud, a beer that I abhor > I want a keg of Murphy’s Stout to drink on Christmas morn > > I want a keg of Murphy’s Stout for Christmas > please be Santa Claus and bring the brew > you don’t have to use the dirty chimney flue > just roll it through the front door-with a frosty mug or two > > I can see me now on Christmas morning > crawling down the stairs > oh, what joy and what surprise > when I open up my eyes > to see a Murphy’s tapped and standing there > > I want a keg of Murphy’s Stout for Christmas > only a keg of Murphy’s Stout will do > no Miller Lite, no Blatz or Schlitz or Coors > Murphy’s Stout is the brew that I adore > and all my friends like Murphy’s like I do > > (sung to the tune: I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas) > Author unknown-received from an equally twisted friend \*\* Why, that’s a lovely Christmas carol. Lovely, lovely … (sigh) Where was I? Oh, yes, time for Santa’s lunch break. I’ll be back real soon. It should only take me about ten minutes to drin … uh, finish my lunch. ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/53 "2003-12-02T05:47:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Kat \* > \*\*Well, if I can’t get a dragon, can I have a new CD player? And my mommy says you can take all the bottles from the locked cabinet in the dining room, if you want. \*\* Hmmmmm. New CD player? Nah, how would you like an iPod with your entire music collection downloaded onto it? You’d like that, wouldn’t you? So much that you’d have to stay in your room and listen to it alllllllllll night. ---
**Author:** ![SanguineSpider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SanguineSpider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanguineSpider)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 6:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/54 "2003-12-02T06:02:42Z")
Santa Andy, why do you smell like eggs? Your stinky… ---
**Author:** ![Raymond\_Luxury\_Yacht](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raymond_luxury_yacht/32/4099_2.png) [@Raymond\_Luxury\_Yacht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Raymond_Luxury_Yacht)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 6:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/55 "2003-12-02T06:03:45Z")
If I can’t get a swig, can I get a toke? ---
**Author:** ![Raymond\_Luxury\_Yacht](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raymond_luxury_yacht/32/4099_2.png) [@Raymond\_Luxury\_Yacht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Raymond_Luxury_Yacht)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2003, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/56 "2003-12-03T04:49:42Z")
Mommy, why isn’t Santa moving? ---
**Author:** ![SanguineSpider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SanguineSpider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanguineSpider)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2003, 6:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/57 "2003-12-03T06:31:55Z")
Santa Andy, I thought you might be lonely… [http://www.bunnyfetish.com/rael/](http://www.bunnyfetish.com/rael/) ---
**Author:** ![The\_MacDairmuid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a87d85/32.png) [@The\_MacDairmuid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_MacDairmuid)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2003, 7:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/58 "2003-12-03T07:09:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by danceswithcats \* > \*\*I want a keg of Murphy’s Stout for Christmas > only a keg of Murphy’s Stout will do > don’t want a Bud, a beer that I abhor > I want a keg of Murphy’s Stout to drink on Christmas morn > > I want a keg of Murphy’s Stout for Christmas > please be Santa Claus and bring the brew > you don’t have to use the dirty chimney flue > just roll it through the front door-with a frosty mug or two > > I can see me now on Christmas morning > crawling down the stairs > oh, what joy and what surprise > when I open up my eyes > to see a Murphy’s tapped and standing there > > I want a keg of Murphy’s Stout for Christmas > only a keg of Murphy’s Stout will do > no Miller Lite, no Blatz or Schlitz or Coors > Murphy’s Stout is the brew that I adore > and all my friends like Murphy’s like I do > > (sung to the tune: I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas) > Author unknown-received from an equally twisted friend \*\* Danceswithcats, the original song was recorded by Gayla Peevey, ~1953, according to my “Dr. Demento Presents the Greatest Christmas Novelty CD of All Time”. Santa Andy – Just in case we’re all passed out before you can make it by Christmas Eve, there’ll be an assortment of Samuel Smith’s beers in the fridge so have a few. And help yourself to any leftovers. ---
**Author:** ![Chavardz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/91b2a8/32.png) [@Chavardz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chavardz)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2003, 7:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/59 "2003-12-03T07:47:23Z")
SanguineSpider, where the HELL do you get those sites? I have to go clean my eyeballs with steel mesh now… Oh a Santy Anda, Why do you want me to kick SanguineSpider? Seh was just trying to help! ---
**Author:** ![SanguineSpider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SanguineSpider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanguineSpider)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2003, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873/60 "2003-12-04T04:38:37Z")
**Chavardz** , the sites I offer to this wonderful board are gifts that I feel will benefit society in some way or another. Are you enjoying them? Good… sit back, relax, put your feet up and await with quiet eagerness the next offering from the Spider. You can find a few more of my offereings throughout the forums, just look for my spiffy user name! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-hung-over-department-store-santa/215873.md?page=4)