# Ask the Raving Lunatic **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 5, 2001, 9:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-raving-lunatic/85543 "2001-10-05T09:36:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Trucido](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ea5d25/32.png) [@Trucido](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trucido)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2001, 9:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-raving-lunatic/85543/1 "2001-10-05T09:36:09Z")
Questions about lunacy? Concerns about the Soviet Mind-Control Worms burrowing through your dura mater right now? Ask away, and I’ll answer to the best of my ability, no matter what Richard Nixon’s re-animated corpses says. Allow some time for the responses, though, because my opposition to the ATF’s project MK SuperUltraPlusMega has resulted in my institutionalization, meaning that I have to bang out responses with my toes on a special safety keyboard. I chewed up my old keyboard when they put the straitjacket on. I have a good cure for straitjacket itch, but it involves vampires. I can’t answer any questions about vampires, because both of my parents and everyone in the US government since Calvin Coolidge’s seventeenth robotic clone was assassinated by the Space Bears and Hanna-Barbera has been a vampire. So ask away, you bloodsucking undead fiends! ---
**Author:** ![Cougarfang](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c67d28/32.png) [@Cougarfang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cougarfang)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2001, 10:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-raving-lunatic/85543/2 "2001-10-05T10:16:10Z")
eh, the rather unpopular raving lunatic. 😃 _dives for cover_ ---
**Author:** ![leander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/bcef8e/32.png) [@leander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leander)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2001, 10:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-raving-lunatic/85543/3 "2001-10-05T10:36:17Z")
What does God smell like? Describe the color grey, but use only one vowel. Is snow food? What’s my dog _really_ saying? Where? ---
**Author:** ![Trucido](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ea5d25/32.png) [@Trucido](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trucido)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2001, 11:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-raving-lunatic/85543/4 "2001-10-05T11:28:20Z")
I should note, **Cougarfang** , that any lack of popularity is due to a long campaign of slander and libel launched against me by 75th directorate of the KGB under Emeril Legasse, and as such should be dredged in flour, salted, and fried in motor oil. And don’t dive for cover like that. It reminds me of my Peace Corps service stealing heroin from starving children in North Vietnam, and that always makes Richard Nixon’s alien hybrid cranky. **Leander** , all the answers you seek have been encoded on the transmitter that FEMA installed in my left kneecap and as such will reach you shortly. I suspect, however, that your repeated attempts to kill me will render the answers meaningless to you. ---
**Author:** ![Corrvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bbce88/32.png) [@Corrvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Corrvin)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2001, 11:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-raving-lunatic/85543/5 "2001-10-05T11:38:19Z")
\<\\> slow noon snow, or fog, low. 😉 Corr ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2001, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-raving-lunatic/85543/6 "2001-10-05T13:35:13Z")
Act normally, don’t turn around…who is that following you? ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2001, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-raving-lunatic/85543/7 "2001-10-05T13:52:10Z")
why is it always **you** that sits next to me on public transport? ---
**Author:** ![naughty\_wicked\_zoot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ecd19e/32.png) [@naughty\_wicked\_zoot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/naughty_wicked_zoot)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2001, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-raving-lunatic/85543/8 "2001-10-05T14:02:03Z")
do you HAVE to do what the voices tell you? i mean, i respect my husband a lot, but i don’t do everything he tells me to. god, show some backbone!! the next time the voices tell you to kill president bush’s dog and mail the testicles in a jar of vodka to jenna, JUST SAY NO!!! ---
**Author:** ![Trucido](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ea5d25/32.png) [@Trucido](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trucido)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2001, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-raving-lunatic/85543/9 "2001-10-05T15:46:54Z")
Why, all of them, **Shibboleth**. Except for that one, right there, the beady-eyed little Martian agent. He’s following you, I think. You see, **Mangetout** , your personal intracranial locator beacon, a gift from the RSPCA’s GULAG division, is number Crinoline, while mine is number Taffeta. Perfectly natural affinity. **Zoot** , I’m not so stupid that I listen to just any old voice. Why, most of them are just rebroadcasts of the 1956 Olympics, specifically the Archery event. But when Jerry Falwell is wearing a vinyl gimp suit, jumping up and down and screaming orders at me in his native Cantonese, I don’t have any choice but to obey, even if I don’t understand what he’s saying. Wouldn’t you? Ask President Bush to stop it, I mean? ---
**Author:** ![FlyingDragonFan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c89c15/32.png) [@FlyingDragonFan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FlyingDragonFan)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2001, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-raving-lunatic/85543/10 "2001-10-05T16:36:08Z")
So, is raving lunatic, like, a full time job? What about vacation time? And do you get benefits? And also, do get to take smoke breaks, so you can stop raving for a bit? ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2001, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-raving-lunatic/85543/11 "2001-10-05T16:40:11Z")
mmmmmm I’m sorry I took the money! ---
**Author:** ![Daikona](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8baadc/32.png) [@Daikona](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daikona)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2001, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-raving-lunatic/85543/12 "2001-10-05T17:57:00Z")
Hey you! Yeah, you… I know what you really are. I can’t prove it, but I’m on to you. ::glares:: ---
**Author:** ![Trucido](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ea5d25/32.png) [@Trucido](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trucido)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2001, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-raving-lunatic/85543/13 "2001-10-05T18:31:01Z")
Raving Lunatic is a full time job only if you do it right, and I pride myself on thoroughly thwarting the goals of the NASA/Zionist/Bavarian Illuminati alliance that threatens our rights this very minute. These sorts of oppressive figures don’t ever take vacations, so I cannot slack in my mission to thoroughly reveal the terrible things they’re doing to white-cheeked gibbons the world over. Oh, and I would appreciate it if NASA agents and apologists would not ask me those sorts of filthy, filthy questions. It was that way when I found it, and that’s all I’m saying, you perverted lying nazi fascists. ---
**Author:** ![arara123](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/41988e/32.png) [@arara123](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/arara123)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2001, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-raving-lunatic/85543/14 "2001-10-06T01:06:31Z")
Good thread. So, did you take lessons from the Master? (No, not _that_ Master; in this case I mean those genii of the “Dead Milkmen.”) > [@](#): > > You know what, Stuart, I LIKE YOU. You’re not like the other > people, here, in the trailer park. > > Oh, don’t go get me wrong. They’re fine people, they’re > good Americans. But they’re content to sit back, maybe > watch a little Mork and Mindy on channel 57, maybe kick > back a cool, Coors 16-ouncer. They’re good, fine people, > Stuart. But they don’t know … what the queers are doing > to the soil! > > You know that Jonny Wurster kid, the kid that delivers papers > in the neighborhood. He’s a foreign kid. Some of the neighbors > say he smokes crack, but I don’t believe it. > > Anyway, for his tenth birthday, all he wanted was a Burrow Owl. > Kept bugging his old man. “Dad, get me a burrow owl. I’ll never > ask for anything else as long as I live.” So the guy > breaks down and buys him a burrow owl. > > Anyway, 10:30, the other night, I go out in my yard, and there’s > the Wurster kid, looking up in the tree. I say, “What are > you looking for?” He says “I’m looking for my burrow owl.” > I say, “Jumping Jesus on a Pogo Stick. Everybody knows > the burrow owl lives. In a hole. In the ground. Why the hell do you > think they call it a burrow owl, anyway?” Now Stuart, do you > think a kid like that is going to know what the queers are > doing to the soil? > > I first became aware of this about ten years ago, the summer > my oldest boy, Bill Jr. died. You know that carnival comes into > town every year? Well this year they came through with a ride > called The Mixer. The man said, “Keep your head, and arms, inside > the Mixer at all times.” But Bill Jr, he was a DAAAREDEVIL, just > like his old man. He was leaning out saying “Hey everybody, > Look at me! Look at me!” Pow! He was decapitated! They found > his head over by the snow cone concession. > > A few days after that, I open up the mail. And there’s a pamphlet > in there. From Pueblo, Colorado, and it’s addressed to Bill, Jr. > And it’s entitled, “Do you know what the queers are doing to our > soil?” > > Now, Stuart, if you look at the soil around any large US city, > there’s a big undeground homosexual population. Des Moines, Iowa, > for an example. Look at the soil around Des Moines, Stuart. > You can’t build on it; you can’t grow anything in it. The government > says it’s due to poor farming. But I know what’s really going on, > Stuart. I know it’s the queers. They’re in it with the aliens. > They’re building landing strips for gay Martians, I swear to > God. > > You know what, Stuart, I like you. You’re not like the other > people, here in this trailer park. :D:D:D ---
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2001, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-raving-lunatic/85543/15 "2001-10-06T01:32:38Z")
So can you prove you’re crazy? ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2001, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-raving-lunatic/85543/16 "2001-10-06T01:45:02Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by ultrafilter \* > \*\*So can you prove you’re crazy? \*\* Yeah, show us your nuts! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Chickenhead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7cd45c/32.png) [@Chickenhead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chickenhead)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2001, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-raving-lunatic/85543/17 "2001-10-06T05:25:24Z")
Which would be worse: to have a dog shit in your mouth, or the color green on Wednesday? Appendages and Nun’s Priests don’t count. ---
**Author:** ![Trucido](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ea5d25/32.png) [@Trucido](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trucido)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2001, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-raving-lunatic/85543/18 "2001-10-06T15:06:17Z")
Proof that I’m crazy? You’ve got me a bit confused there. I never claimed to be crazy, just a raving lunatic. I think I’ve proven that I can rave incoherently in a fair capacity, and you’ll just have to believe me about my affinity for the moon. I’d like to go there one day, and I think that man will walk on the moon when the NASA death robots are moved out of the way. From the sound of it, you’d have access to my secret Agriculture Department file anyway, which would contain the full psychological evaluations they obtained when they abducted me with their flying Combine and hypnotized me to find out what I knew about their sworn enemies, the National Institute of Standards and Technology. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2001, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-raving-lunatic/85543/19 "2001-10-06T17:36:56Z")
How do you _know_ you are not the defective clone of a CIA operative? ---
**Author:** ![JCThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/dc4da7/32.png) [@JCThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JCThunder)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2001, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-raving-lunatic/85543/20 "2001-10-06T23:56:22Z")
Who took the most archery medals in the '56 Olympics? Have you or your baby mouse toes ever read Tom Robbins? Are you Tom Robbins? He writes with a bit of lunacy & definately has a thing for the moon. Can’t wait for your next book… I know who you are… [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-raving-lunatic/85543.md?page=2)