# Ask The Toaster! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 10, 2003, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-toaster/212446 "2003-11-10T19:01:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 8\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Ilsa\_Lund](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a6a055/32.png) [@Ilsa\_Lund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ilsa_Lund)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2003, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-toaster/212446/21 "2003-11-10T22:53:43Z")
> [@](#): > > How long does it take for a poptart to catch fire in a toaster? > Can you accommodate “extra wide” items, or are you a narrow slot toaster? > > Are you brave? > > Are you little? > > Are you the same thing as a bread carbonizing device? > > Will you ignite Pop-Tarts? > > Are you toasteriffic? > Dear Toaster, > > Why can’t you actually toast the bread? If i wanted it to be slightly warm, or cremated I would put it near a light bulb or on a fire respectively. ```auto | | | ______ | ___(( )_ | |'->==)) (= \ | | \ || _____ |_ \ | |[> \ ___________ \ | | | | | | \ | | .--. | \ | |)---. .---' `-. .----(]| \| ____________ | `-' `. .' | `---' ***** | ``` ---
**Author:** ![Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tapioca_Dextrin)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2003, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-toaster/212446/22 "2003-11-10T23:00:20Z")
Is this the best time of day to eat toast? ```auto ^^ @@@@@@@@@ ^^ ^^ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ ^^ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ ~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~ ~ ~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~~ ~ ~~ ~ ~~~ ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ``` ---
**Author:** ![Ilsa\_Lund](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a6a055/32.png) [@Ilsa\_Lund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ilsa_Lund)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2003, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-toaster/212446/23 "2003-11-10T23:19:40Z")
```auto _ _____ ( `^` )) ( `^` )) | || | || | || | || hee '-----'` '-----'` ``` ---
**Author:** ![JimSox5](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b5a626/32.png) [@JimSox5](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JimSox5)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2003, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-toaster/212446/24 "2003-11-11T03:09:06Z")
Obviously, this toaster’s location shows that it is broken, as it will only toast one side. ---
**Author:** ![Hot\_Buttered\_Toast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b38774/32.png) [@Hot\_Buttered\_Toast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hot_Buttered_Toast)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2003, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-toaster/212446/25 "2003-11-11T04:14:05Z")
Toaster, why did you singe six of my fellow slices to a crisp last month? All they wanted was to be toasted to a golden-brown buttery perfection… _sobs_ ---
**Author:** ![Ilsa\_Lund](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a6a055/32.png) [@Ilsa\_Lund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ilsa_Lund)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2003, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-toaster/212446/26 "2003-11-11T13:47:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Hot Buttered Toast \* > \*\*Toaster, why did you singe six of my fellow slices to a crisp last month? All they wanted was to be toasted to a golden-brown buttery perfection… > > _sobs_ \*\* ```auto | | | ______ | ___(( )_ | |'->==)) (= \ | | \ || _____ |_ \ | |[> \ ___________ \ | | | | | | \ | | .--. | \ | |)---. .---' `-. .----(]| \| ____________ | `-' `. .' | `---' ***** | ``` ---
**Author:** ![godzillatemple](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/49beb7/32.png) [@godzillatemple](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/godzillatemple)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2003, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-toaster/212446/27 "2003-11-11T14:15:15Z")
TOASTER: Would you like some toast? LISTER: Uh-Uhm. TOASTER: Some nice hot crisp brown buttered toast? LISTER: Uh-Uhm. TOASTER: You don’t want any toast then? LISTER: No. TOASTER: What about a muffin? LISTER: Nothing! TOASTER: You know the last time you had toast? 18 days ago. 11:36, Tuesday the 3rd. Two rounds. LISTER: Ssshhh! TOASTER: I mean, what’s the point of buying a toaster with artificial intelligence if you don’t like toast? LISTER: I _do_ like toast! TOASTER: I mean, this is my job! This is cruel! Just cruel! LISTER: Look, I’m busy! TOASTER: Oh, you’re not busy eating toast, are you? LISTER: I don’t want any!! TOASTER: I mean, the whole purpose of my existence is to serve you with hot, buttered, scrummy toast. If you don’t want any, then my existence is meaningless. LISTER: Good. TOASTER: I toast, therefore I am. LISTER: Will you shut up?! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![green\_bladder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/73ab20/32.png) [@green\_bladder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/green_bladder)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2003, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-toaster/212446/28 "2003-11-11T14:17:02Z")
Could you teach me how to raise a toast to my cousin at his wedding? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-toaster/212446.md?page=1)