# Ask the Transsexual Woman **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 29, 2013, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416 "2013-12-29T17:32:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 19
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2014, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/361 "2014-01-11T00:28:51Z")
> [@Cartooniverse](#): > > YI respect the force of will you have exhibited - especially in the moment when you had a reason to NOT kill yourself: You recognized that moment and acted upon it. > > I am truly glad you are still with us- in all ways. > > šŸ™‚ It was truly a lifetime rock-bottom. Even when I was raped, I still wanted to fight back and only toyed with the idea of suicide. On that July 2012 day, however, when the dysphoria smacked me down, all my fight was gone. Thank you! šŸ™‚ ---
**Author:** ![computergeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e56c9b/32.png) [@computergeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/computergeek)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2014, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/362 "2014-01-11T00:52:24Z")
Una, Iā€™m curious to know what you think of transman Thomas Beatie aka ā€œThe Pregnant Manā€. It was my impression at the time he was in the news for being pregnant that he wanted to have it both ways (or couldnā€™t decide what he really wanted) and was being needlessly provocative. I havenā€™t given him much of a thought for awhile so I havenā€™t changed my opinion. Iā€™m curious to hear your take on him. ---
**Author:** ![computergeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e56c9b/32.png) [@computergeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/computergeek)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2014, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/363 "2014-01-11T00:57:35Z")
Hmm, on reading his Wikipedia page, Beatie apparently underwent surgery for his lower half in 2012, so it seems heā€™s working on fully transitioning. And needless to say, the media at the time of the pregnancy likely over-sensationalized things. But transitioning to be a man while purposely getting pregnant and then publicizing it probably really confused people. ---
**Author:** ![Linus\_Van\_Pelt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ebca7d/32.png) [@Linus\_Van\_Pelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Linus_Van_Pelt)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2014, 7:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/364 "2014-01-11T07:49:41Z")
> [@Una\_Persson](#): > > Too late for me, thank you however. (Regarding the What Not to Wear episode for Casey D.) It was actually worth watching, I think. From my complete outsiderā€™s point of view, I didnā€™t see anything that I think you would have winced at. Her transexuality was neither ignored nor was it overly focused on; it was mostly discussed in the context of why she dressed the way she did, and the hosts did a good job of emphasizing that her concerns (narrow hips, a short torso, a thicker waist) are ones that many other women have to contend with, and helping her find the looks that would flatter her body best. It was also interesting to watch it and see some of the themes discussed in this thread come out - like her insecurity with her body, her intense desire to ā€œpassā€ and her great fear of looking like a drag queen. It was an episode from early last year, so if anyone is actually interested, itā€™s probably available on one of the streaming services by now. ---
**Author:** ![gracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8e7dd6/32.png) [@gracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gracer)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2014, 9:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/365 "2014-01-11T09:29:23Z")
> [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](#): > > The one thing Iā€™ve found disturbing is the part where you guys are drinking beer and eating cookies. Ick. > [@Una\_Persson](#): > > Iā€™m not certain I remember thisā€¦? Ha! You definitely did write that. I agree with **Attack** that itā€™s the most disturbing thing about you and if I ever needed to blackmail you I would go for that. šŸ˜‰ (Cut out letters from newspapers spelling ā€œUna had cookies with her beer ewwā€ā€¦) ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2014, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/366 "2014-01-11T14:26:05Z")
> [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](#): > > Iā€™ve been reading this thread with interest, and have learned a lot. Thanks for starting it. The one thing Iā€™ve found disturbing is the part where you guys are drinking beer and eating cookies. Ick. > [@gracer](#): > > Ha! You definitely did write that. I agree with **Attack** that itā€™s the most disturbing thing about you and if I ever needed to blackmail you I would go for that. šŸ˜‰ (Cut out letters from newspapers spelling ā€œUna had cookies with her beer ewwā€ā€¦) This reminds me of my first sergeant who was concerned about keeping up with his daughter back in The World. Daughter (with wife as accessory) sent him a Mystery Date board game. So after that, twice a week the NCOs would have to meet in his hooch for beer and Mystery Date. Sorry for the hijack. ---
**Author:** ![Iggy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iggy/32/3364_2.png) [@Iggy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Iggy)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2014, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/367 "2014-01-11T14:43:19Z")
> [@Linus\_Van\_Pelt](#): > > (Regarding the What Not to Wear episode for Casey D.) > ā€¦ Link to [article about Casey D](http://www.phillymag.com/g-philly/2013/02/20/girl-talk-chatting-philly-trans-firefighter-wear/). [Possible YouTube link](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtsQbFgDIdo) to episode? All I get is a black box with ā€œThis video is not available in your country.ā€ Question to Una: You mentioned that psychological evaluation is important prior to starting hormones. How does that psychological support continue throughout and after the transitioning process? It seems like the psychological aspects are as much or possibly even greater than the physiological issues that transgender persons must deal with. ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2014, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/368 "2014-01-11T14:44:47Z")
> [@gracer](#): > > Ha! You definitely did write that. I agree with **Attack** that itā€™s the most disturbing thing about you and if I ever needed to blackmail you I would go for that. šŸ˜‰ (Cut out letters from newspapers spelling ā€œUna had cookies with her beer ewwā€ā€¦) Ah, yes, I found it on page two. Wellā€¦it is what it is. We were having some mint Christmas cookies with a holiday beer of some sort. Seemed to work alright. ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2014, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/369 "2014-01-11T14:51:23Z")
> [@computergeek](#): > > Una, Iā€™m curious to know what you think of transman Thomas Beatie aka ā€œThe Pregnant Manā€. It was my impression at the time he was in the news for being pregnant that he wanted to have it both ways (or couldnā€™t decide what he really wanted) and was being needlessly provocative. I havenā€™t given him much of a thought for awhile so I havenā€™t changed my opinion. Iā€™m curious to hear your take on him. My view is biased - I am put off a bit by transpeople who go public and then who jump back and forth over the line, because it gives the general public the impression that transsexuals are not serious. That itā€™s a game, weā€™re ā€œtrying this gender on for sizeā€, etc. I know that Beatie thinks heā€™s a ā€œgender warriorā€ like so many others, and I can respect genderqueer people even if I donā€™t really understand them as well. But Iā€¦and actually, every single transperson Iā€™ve ever spoken to, female or male, sort of wishes he would never have been in the news. Like Chelsea Manning. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2014, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/370 "2014-01-11T15:08:54Z")
> [@Iggy](#): > > Question to Una: You mentioned that psychological evaluation is important prior to starting hormones. How does that psychological support continue throughout and after the transitioning process? > > It seems like the psychological aspects are as much or possibly even greater than the physiological issues that transgender persons must deal with. It varies greatly depending on three critical factors: 1. How well is the patientā€™s gender identity being dealt with by themselves? 2. How well has their family and support system dealt with their gender identity? 3. How well has their full real-life transition gone in the real world? Some women stay in counseling for years after transition. I know some who have been going for _decades_ after full transition, because theyā€™re struggling every single week - usually with family, or work. They meet in weekly or monthly support groups, and itā€™s clear many of the long-timers in counseling really have coincident deep psychological issues (agoraphobia, clinical depression, ODD, or worse.) Some of the long-timers are what are called ā€œBOTsā€, which is an acronym for ā€œbitter old-timersā€ - people who resolved they would transition, but delayed it for one reason or another, almost all of which are actually due to fear and lack of confidence. For me, it was rather simple. For item 1, being intersex and having come to a firm sense of what I really was decades ago meant I had no problem there. For item 2, my wife Fierra enthusiastically supported me 110%, and my family, while not overjoyed, supported me as well - much better than average (barring my sister, who wishes I was deadā€¦but then, we were never close, so shurg). For item 3, I had stunning success at work and elsewhere, mainly because I pass so well but also because I had items 1 and 2 laid down solid. So about 1 month after my work transition, my therapist said, and I quote, ā€œlook kiddo, I donā€™t need to see you any more. Iā€™m happy to talk if problems come up, but for the last few sessions you havenā€™t reported any real problems. In fact, I want you to join our team to volunteer to counsel and help others like you, who have it a lot worse.ā€ And so I did. Yesterday I helped counsel another transwoman who has been in therapy for five years, who threatened suicide about 1:30pm. However, I confess to being completely at odds with what to do. She had been making threats for 5 years now, and itā€™s gone beyond the ā€œlittle transgirl who cried wolfā€ - she has lost most of her older friends over it, and the ones who remain are pretty harsh with her. Yesterdayā€™s reason was she says she canā€™t take a divorce, and canā€™t take losing her kids, so she thinks suicide is a better answer than transition. Well, what can I say, Iā€™ve been to that point beforeā€¦but only once. Almost every single transperson I know has been to that pointā€¦usually, once or twice. For her, itā€™s **weekly** , and to be blunt, itā€™s getting irritating to all of to the extreme. Her wife openly hates her, her pre-teen kids make fun of her to her face, her job will likely fire her as soon as she comes out and has already been after her about her earrings etc., her co-workers openly mock her, and her own family has disowned her. But Iā€™m afraid to say if she keeps up the weekly urgent group text messages of ā€œthis is it!ā€ followed by 1,000 words of suicide message and poetry, the community is going to shun her. šŸ˜• ---
**Author:** ![F.Pu-du-he-pa-as](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c89c15/32.png) [@F.Pu-du-he-pa-as](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/F.Pu-du-he-pa-as)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2014, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/371 "2014-01-11T15:45:38Z")
> [@Una\_Persson](#): > > And then I was walking to the elevators and ran into a co-worker, one who had spent a lot of time with me, including an overseas trip, with me as a girl. And he instinctively said ā€œGood morning s[sub]ir[/sub],ā€ trailing off quickly at the end as he knew what he did. And while I try to be upbeat and blow these things off, for some morning it instantly deflated me, and I gave him a withering glare. He muttered a quiet ā€œsorryā€ and turned and walked away. I, and a handful of other people I know, call everyone ā€œsirā€-- we use it for both men and women, and donā€™t use ā€œmaā€™amā€ at all. Would this kind of usage bother you and other transwomen? ---
**Author:** ![Kiyoshi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e19adc/32.png) [@Kiyoshi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kiyoshi)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2014, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/372 "2014-01-11T19:07:26Z")
> [@Typo\_Knig](#): > > What do you think of media portrayals of your people? Do you have a favorite? Iā€™d ask for a ā€œleast favoriteā€ but Iā€™m sure thatā€™s a well with no bottom. Even fairly positive portrayals have their disadvantages in my eyes. A Family Guy character transitioned from male to female. She came out of surgery looking great in a skirt, heels, new (longer) hair, and make-up. I know itā€™s just a cartoon, but come on! Nobody looks that good even watching surgery, let alone being a patient of such major surgery. Took me right out of the show for a few minutes. (Og help me, I love offensive humor.) I think anyone who watched that Family Guy episode would realize that it was ridiculous and unrealistic for the sake of comedy. But it is an extreme example of a problem seen in lots of different media: the imaginary thing called Having A Sex Change. The media sends out a message that people randomly decide that they want to be the opposite sex, so they go to a hospital and Have a Sex Change, and everything is done overnight. Depending on the show youā€™re watching, the result is either perfect or completely unconvincing. Itā€™s very rare that the media acknowledges that itā€™s an incredibly long process, which involves a hell of a lot of psychological assessment and living in the role of your preferred gender before youā€™re allowed any treatment. For reference, I first spoke to my doctor about my gender dysphoria 2.5 years ago. Since then, I have seen several different therapists and have been formally diagnosed by a psychiatrist. Iā€™m currently on a six-month waiting list for an appointment at the gender identity clinic, who will require several appointments and evidence that I have lived as female for at least six months before they will consider prescribing hormones. I would have to live as female for at least two years before being eligible for any surgery. The unfortunate thing is, most people donā€™t know anyone trans, so the only information they have, comes from the media. So the myth of Having a Sex Change is perpetuated. Thereā€™s also a media obsession with the terms ā€œpre-opā€ and ā€œpost-opā€. These categories are completely made up. There is no requirement for a trans person to have genital reconstructive surgery in order to be legally recognized as their preferred gender\*. Many choose not to have any surgery (particularly female-to-male people, because the surgery is still quite primitive and the results arenā€™t great). Unless youā€™re planning on having sex with a trans person, you have no need to know anything about their genitals. - In the UK at least. I donā€™t know about the laws of other countries. ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2014, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/373 "2014-01-11T22:41:00Z")
> [@F.Pu-du-he-pa-as](#): > > I, and a handful of other people I know, call everyone ā€œsirā€-- we use it for both men and women, and donā€™t use ā€œmaā€™amā€ at all. Would this kind of usage bother you and other transwomen? You call women ā€œsir?ā€ Is that a military thing or something like that? I asked a few cisgender women this after I read your post, and ALL of them thought it was very rude to be called ā€œsir.ā€ I donā€™t think the transgender aspect even enters into it. But yeah, it would bother transwomen to the point where we would feel very insulted. Unless itā€™s dictated by military regulation or something, why would you apply a male gendered identifier to women? I could at least understand a neutral one, but why male? Why didnā€™t you decide to call everyone ā€œmaā€™amā€ instead? ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2014, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/374 "2014-01-11T22:48:51Z")
> [@Kiyoshi](#): > > For reference, I first spoke to my doctor about my gender dysphoria 2.5 years ago. Since then, I have seen several different therapists and have been formally diagnosed by a psychiatrist. Iā€™m currently on a six-month waiting list for an appointment at the gender identity clinic, who will require several appointments and evidence that I have lived as female for at least six months before they will consider prescribing hormones. I would have to live as female for at least two years before being eligible for any surgery. Why do you have to wait 6 months? In Kansas City, you would be seen within 1-2 working days, sometimes we will get people in the same day for an initial appointment, even if we have to do it after hours. Why arenā€™t your doctors following WPATH7 standards of care for hormone therapy? There is no requirement to live in your correct gender in WPATH7 for hormones. And only a single year for SRS. šŸ˜• ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2014, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/375 "2014-01-12T00:18:11Z")
> [@Una\_Persson](#): > > Ah, yes, I found it on page two. Wellā€¦it is what it is. We were having some mint Christmas cookies with a holiday beer of some sort. Seemed to work alright. Wow. I canā€™t believe cookies & beer is the thing that hijacked this thread. I canā€™t decide if Iā€™m proud or ashamed. > [@Una\_Persson](#): > > Transmen are acutely aware of being outed. They live and work in the world of men full-time. Men, generally, do not react well to the presence of transgender people in their private places. Transmen can be attacked, beaten, raped, and killed for being in the wrong bathroom. Sort of like how transwomen can be if they are forced to use the wrong bathroom. Hm. Thatā€™s very interesting. If I were in that situation - terrified of being found out at the gym - I wouldnā€™t take any risks by talking to anyone who might inadvertently start questions to be asked. Iā€™d be worried that even ā€˜how do you know that hot babe?ā€™, might wind up unraveling things for me. > [@Una\_Persson](#): > > Fox is someone I admire for standing up to a very high amount of abuse in a testosterone-fueled sport, where even the women in it feel they either have to act super-macho, or else they feel like they have to look like Barbarella. It canā€™t be an easy situation for her. This [GQ](http://www.gq.com/entertainment/sports/201401/fallon-fox-transgender-mma-fighter?mbid=social_twitter_gqmagazine) article on Fox Fallon and your thoughts in this thread have been very educational for me. Thanks again. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2014, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/376 "2014-01-12T00:58:17Z")
Just to put my two cents in, and because I accidentally unsubscribed to the message and canā€™t figure out how to resubscribe without posting, and although my sample size is woefully small in comparison to some of the people in this thread, all of the transgendered people I have known (that I know ofā€¦) have not only associated with transgendered people in public, theyā€™re _all_ romantically involved with them. ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2014, 1:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/377 "2014-01-12T01:03:02Z")
> [@Ethilrist](#): > > Just to put my two cents in, and because I accidentally unsubscribed to the message and canā€™t figure out how to resubscribe without posting, and although my sample size is woefully small in comparison to some of the people in this thread, all of the transgendered people I have known (that I know ofā€¦) have not only associated with transgendered people in public, theyā€™re _all_ romantically involved with them. Click on ā€˜thread toolsā€™ on the lower blue bar at the top of the page, then ā€˜subscribe to this threadā€™. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2014, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/378 "2014-01-12T03:07:57Z")
Una, so whatā€™s the percentage of births who are afflicted by transgender ā€¦ uh ā€¦ births? (Afflicted isnā€™t perhaps the correct word, but I donā€™t know what is.) I could go Googling around, but I assume this is something you have already researched. My guess would be something like 1 in 10,000, or perhaps even 1 in 100,000. Whatā€™s the straight dope? ---
**Author:** ![Eldrin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c4cdca/32.png) [@Eldrin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eldrin)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2014, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/379 "2014-01-12T03:29:43Z")
Can a person who shifts their identification of specieis represent the people as a head of state? Would there be some sort of agitated conflict, with what you deem to consider effective, and what others would call down right criminal? I mean suicide is illegal? If a man can be prevented from terminating his life, why can we allow ourselves, to allow for, such alteration of life?? ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2014, 4:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/380 "2014-01-12T04:02:46Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > Una, so whatā€™s the percentage of births who are afflicted by transgender ā€¦ uh ā€¦ births? (Afflicted isnā€™t perhaps the correct word, but I donā€™t know what is.) > > I could go Googling around, but I assume this is something you have already researched. > > My guess would be something like 1 in 10,000, or perhaps even 1 in 100,000. > > Whatā€™s the straight dope? For people who are transgender ā€œenoughā€ such that they will be transsexual, and will alter their physical, legal, and social status to their new gender, the best numbers range from about 1 in 2,000 to 1 in 25,000 for transwoman, an 1 in 10,000 to 1 in 100,000 for transmen. The general ā€œrule of thumbā€ used in the United States nowadays is about 1 in 5,000 for transwomen and 1 in 20,000 for transmen. It has long been suspected that transmen number higher, but since they pass so well there are many more of them who are in deep stealth. In terms of people who who have some gender identity disorder, numbers range from 1 in 200 to 1 in 1,000. I think in this case it will vary greatly on the definition used in the study. Iā€™ve seen many claim 1 in 300, but Iā€™m uncertain if that can be backed up. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416.md?page=18) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416.md?page=20)