# Ask the Transsexual Woman **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 29, 2013, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416 "2013-12-29T17:32:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2013, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/81 "2013-12-30T18:01:10Z")
Another thing is, BDD can be treated with antidepressants and other psychoactive drugs, whereas GID is highly, highly resistant to such. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2013, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/82 "2013-12-30T18:02:46Z")
The issue of the legal status of trans people has been mentioned. To what degree do states differ on their laws? Do trans people often feel the need to relocate to another state to find a more favorable legal status? ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2013, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/83 "2013-12-30T18:11:29Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > The issue of the legal status of trans people has been mentioned. To what degree do states differ on their laws? Do trans people often feel the need to relocate to another state to find a more favorable legal status? Sometimes we do, primarily if we cannot find a job due to discrimination. While it’s possible some may move in order to marry someone of their choice, that’s rare. The primary issue is that moving is expensive and disruptive, and my community is typically very poor and often geographically trapped. Sometimes, however, transpeople will move to another state if there is a better therapist or clinic to help them. States vary widely on their laws supporting transpeople. Only a small minority protect us from job discrimination and workplace harassment. Only 18 will let us marry whoever we want to. Most states have some sort of process now for allowing changing gender markers on government IDs without surgery, but many will not allow birth certificate changes. The law is an incredible mish-mash patchwork which can be very difficult to follow without calling someone like [The Transgender Law Center](http://transgenderlawcenter.org/) or [Lambda Legal.](http://www.lambdalegal.org/) Some states simply have no process for things like changing gender markers in certain areas, because the subject has never come up. For example, when I went to change my CCW gender marker in my state, I was told that I was the first person who had ever asked about it, and that they had no real procedure in place for such. I worked with the AG’s office staff, who were very friendly and helpful (although a bit confused at times), and helped set up a procedure. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2013, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/84 "2013-12-30T19:23:28Z")
> [@Una\_Persson](#): > > So yeah, when I said I was horribly disfigured, **that’s because that’s how I viewed myself.** When I lived alone I covered or took down all mirrors in the house, because I thought I was so ugly. If I caught myself in a mirror, it filled me with an instantaneous reaction of sadness, anger, self-hatred, and even an urge to hurt myself. ☹ > [@](#): > > So now? We’ve come a long way, baby. Example - this morning I put on a new Pendleton skirt and scoop-neck top, my emeralds, some cute flats, and looked in the mirror. And my instantaneous reaction was “holy crap, I’m beautiful today. Da-yum.” Later on I came back and looked in the mirror, and said “wow…just wow. I’m awesome. Let’s get to work and kick ass and take down names!” 🙂 > [@](#): > > Would I go to a Dopefest now? Sure, if I was nearby or it was in town, why not? 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2013, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/85 "2013-12-30T21:43:31Z")
> [@Una\_Persson](#): > > And one reason you see me smiling closed-mouthed in the photo in Post #1 is I have braces, so my teeth are actually pretty good now, but I’m still a little shy about showing all the metal and ceramic. Ah. And here I was thinking it was because you were British… I should have recognized the smile from all of my kids’ friends in high school. ---
**Author:** ![psychobunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/54ee81/32.png) [@psychobunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/psychobunny)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2013, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/86 "2013-12-30T22:18:13Z")
What do you think about prepubescent children transitioning? I’ll admit that I know sexual identity can be formed long before puberty but I still have reservations about giving hormones to children. On the one hand, I know it makes transitioning easier if you can block secondary sexual characteristics but on the other hand, I personally know of (but not personally) at least 3 people who transitioned back years after SRS and given that the hormones themselves have a significant effect on brain chemistry and how you perceive your gender, not to mention significant risk of side effects, it is hard to justify giving them to children under the age of consent. Also, another question that you don’t have to answer. It seems from your timeline that when you met your wife you had not transitioned but when you met did you already identify yourself as female to her? In other words, did she date you as a female seeking another female, or as a female attracted to a feminine male. I just wondered because it seems that as a transsexual who had not yet transitioned, it would be hard to meet a partner regardless of your orientation (or their orientation). ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2013, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/87 "2013-12-30T22:47:54Z")
> [@psychobunny](#): > > What do you think about prepubescent children transitioning? I’ll admit that I know sexual identity can be formed long before puberty but I still have reservations about giving hormones to children. It is slightly controversial, but become less and less so as in the best cases there is a fairly strict protocol which is followed of counseling (both individual and family), education, counseling, medical analysis, counseling… And at worst, you can use blockers to delay puberty somewhat until the child is 14,15, 16 and then they can decide. > [@](#): > > On the one hand, I know it makes transitioning easier if you can block secondary sexual characteristics Oh holy crap, yes. I’ve met some gals who transitioned before puberty, and they are stunning. > [@](#): > > but on the other hand, I personally know of (but not personally) at least 3 people who transitioned back years after SRS and given that the hormones themselves have a significant effect on brain chemistry and how you perceive your gender, not to mention significant risk of side effects, it is hard to justify giving them to children under the age of consent. I’m not doubting you per se, but reverse transition is so rare nowadays that for you to know three, especially given that we number only about 1 in 5,000 or so, would be incredibly rare unless you are a researcher or psychologist. My point being, that’s not a typical result. > [@](#): > > Also, another question that you don’t have to answer. It seems from your timeline that when you met your wife you had not transitioned but when you met did you already identify yourself as female to her? In other words, did she date you as a female seeking another female, or as a female attracted to a feminine male. I just wondered because it seems that as a transsexual who had not yet transitioned, it would be hard to meet a partner regardless of your orientation (or their orientation). When Fierra first met me, she was not looking for any romance. She knew I was trans and called me “she” flawlessly from day one, and always treated me like a girl. On our very first meeting ever, she felt an attraction, but couldn’t really call it love. Very shortly after she discovered that 1) she was in love with me, and 2) it didn’t matter if I was a girl, and 3) it also wouldn’t matter to her what was under my skirt, one, the other, a combination, or none of the above. And in the 13 years since, she has always and ever thought of me as her girl, and only that, and called herself lesbian with pride. In “what if” talks, she says that if somehow we broke up, or I died, etc. she would be either seek romance with another female, or would not date at all. (this is direct from her, as we’re both sitting in front of a fire having some cookies and beer). As far as the sex and the ins and outs, well, nature finds a way and the “parts”, or lack thereof, don’t really matter. It’s just the way we are. ---
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2013, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/88 "2013-12-30T22:54:52Z")
Fascinating thread! I am happy to hear how well it has worked out for you. Incidentally, I think I have read every post and not seen any nastiness, despite the misgivings of the TSD staff. I do have one question utterly independent of your sexuality, which you may, of course, disregard. It sounds as though you raised yourself from really abject poverty to relative affluence. How did you do it. I went from lower class, relatively poor (but we had food, shelter, and clothing always) to some relative affluence and there were a couple of pieces of real luck along the way. How did you do it? ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2013, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/89 "2013-12-30T23:09:07Z")
> [@Hari\_Seldon](#): > > Fascinating thread! I am happy to hear how well it has worked out for you. Incidentally, I think I have read every post and not seen any nastiness, despite the misgivings of the TSD staff. I do have one question utterly independent of your sexuality, which you may, of course, disregard. It sounds as though you raised yourself from really abject poverty to relative affluence. How did you do it. I went from lower class, relatively poor (but we had food, shelter, and clothing always) to some relative affluence and there were a couple of pieces of real luck along the way. How did you do it? That is difficult to answer. Not that I _won’t_ answer, but I _can’t_ easily. I would have to think some on that. ---
**Author:** ![Atomic\_Alex](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/atomic_alex/32/175_2.png) [@Atomic\_Alex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atomic_Alex)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2013, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/90 "2013-12-30T23:28:25Z")
> [@Una\_Persson](#): > > Ohhhhhhhh boy. There were some interesting things that happened. Let me bullet some of them. > > \ > > I visit for work a lot, the pic was taken on some personal time during a visit to two power stations. Thanks for the reply, interesting stuff! ---
**Author:** ![spotthegerbil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@spotthegerbil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/spotthegerbil)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2013, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/91 "2013-12-31T01:06:26Z")
First of all, many thanks for having started this thread, and I wish you all the very best in everything you do. I’ve got a bit of involvement with an organisation where some parts haven’t had the best of relations with the LGBT community. I promise that I will not tolerate discrimination or bullying in the places I am working. > [@Una\_Persson](#): > > Last weekend I dumped my motorcycle on the drive, and despite all my lifting, I could not even budge it an inch. Sorry of you have seen and tried this one before, but do you know the technique turning your back to the bike and walking it upwards? ([demonstration link](http://youtu.be/XeXrkcYEsbI?t=50s)) My wife isn’t that strong, but we practiced one afternoon so she could manage her CB600S, and my ST1300. ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2013, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/92 "2013-12-31T02:13:51Z")
> [@spotthegerbil](#): > > First of all, many thanks for having started this thread, and I wish you all the very best in everything you do. I’ve got a bit of involvement with an organisation where some parts haven’t had the best of relations with the LGBT community. I promise that I will not tolerate discrimination or bullying in the places I am working. Thank you! > [@](#): > > Sorry of you have seen and tried this one before, but do you know the technique turning your back to the bike and walking it upwards? ([demonstration link](http://youtu.be/XeXrkcYEsbI?t=50s)) My wife isn’t that strong, but we practiced one afternoon so she could manage her CB600S, and my ST1300. There are two problems I fight - first, my bike lays very flat - it’s a Ninja 650. Second, I can grab the handlebars with one hand, but there’s no place really to grab with my other hand. Fierra’s motorcycle has a place to grab, and I’ve picked it up before, but my little Ninja does not. ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2013, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/93 "2013-12-31T02:23:19Z")
> [@Hari\_Seldon](#): > > Fascinating thread! I am happy to hear how well it has worked out for you. Incidentally, I think I have read every post and not seen any nastiness, despite the misgivings of the TSD staff. I do have one question utterly independent of your sexuality, which you may, of course, disregard. It sounds as though you raised yourself from really abject poverty to relative affluence. How did you do it. I went from lower class, relatively poor (but we had food, shelter, and clothing always) to some relative affluence and there were a couple of pieces of real luck along the way. How did you do it? **Hari** , I am not totally sure how I found the drive to keep going. I guess there was always a core of stubbornness in me, to simplify a few decades down to one sentence. I didn’t give up until 2012, and then somehow, still, I made it. I…it would take a very long time to talk about all that happened, I’m sorry, I don’t know if I’m up to it. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Knig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@Typo\_Knig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Knig)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2013, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/94 "2013-12-31T03:36:46Z")
Great thread, **Una**! No questions yet, but I wanted to add my voice to the chorus of praise for you. I am sorry for the pain and hurt you’ve been through. I am glad you are doing well now, and I want to thank you for the great work you do for those to come. There’s a trans student at my daughter’s school. Some people are being jerky about pronouns, but that’s it so far. Still too much, IMNAAHO. Some people forget their manners. None the less, he’ll have it easier than he might have, because of what you do. Thank you! ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2013, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/95 "2013-12-31T03:58:23Z")
This is a great thread. Thank you so much for your courage to be open. I was also sexually abused as a child and it help contribute to a host of issues which I also tried to self-medicate, one 16 oz can at a time. That famously didn’t work out for me, either. I think it’s wonderful that you have the full support of your wife. That is really cool. I just sat through a coffee session with a few friends and one of the guys was going on and on with stereotypical “women are like this” “men are like this” BS. We need a better answer to the _Men are from Mars_ simplifications. So my only question is if you wouldn’t consider writing a book after a few years of living as a transwoman? Finally, the following really cracked me up. All from female engineering friends (and sister before she quit) say the same thing. > [@Una\_Persson](#): > > - So many men, and women, assume I’m a scientific and mechanical ignoramus. This has led to some serious talking down to I’ve received at the mechanics, dealing with the plumber, when I was shopping for my motorcycle, etc. Again, I’m really happy for you. Best of luck. ---
**Author:** ![Sarabellum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sarabellum/32/3492_2.png) [@Sarabellum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sarabellum)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2013, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/96 "2013-12-31T04:06:59Z")
Very interesting thread, **Una**. Thanks for starting this. And by the way, I’d like to thank you for your advice about my “is she or isn’t she” Marcy/Mark question awhile back in another thread. It was very helpful. So my question for you, fairly mundane, but did you have a hard time adapting to women’s shoes? ---
**Author:** ![ENugent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/4af34b/32.png) [@ENugent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ENugent)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2013, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/97 "2013-12-31T04:44:59Z")
**Una** , I remember you well as **Anthracite**. I had always just assumed that you were a woman who had to adopt some male mannerisms to get along in a male-dominated business - I had no idea that you were living as a man in your business life. I am so sorry that you had to do that. I don’t have any questions that have not been answered at this point - I just wanted to express my support for you. I am so glad that you have found a place of happiness and financial security. ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2013, 4:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/98 "2013-12-31T04:51:16Z")
> [@Typo\_Knig](#): > > Great thread, **Una**! No questions yet, but I wanted to add my voice to the chorus of praise for you. I am sorry for the pain and hurt you’ve been through. I am glad you are doing well now, and I want to thank you for the great work you do for those to come. There’s a trans student at my daughter’s school. Some people are being jerky about pronouns, but that’s it so far. Still too much, IMNAAHO. Some people forget their manners. None the less, he’ll have it easier than he might have, because of what you do. Thank you! And thank you for commenting! > [@TokyoBayer](#): > > This is a great thread. Thank you so much for your courage to be open. > > … > > So my only question is if you wouldn’t consider writing a book after a few years of living as a transwoman? I’m not certain. There are a LOT of trans biographies out there. I’ve been journaling my life extensively, and my transition in high detail, so all the material is certainly handy. I guess in lieu of writing, I am eager, and happy, to get up in front of audiences from 1 to 1,000 (or more; I’ve been in the mass media about my transition) and talk about my experience and my people. ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2013, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/99 "2013-12-31T05:06:48Z")
> [@Sarabellum1976](#): > > Very interesting thread, **Una**. Thanks for starting this. > > And by the way, I’d like to thank you for your advice about my “is she or isn’t she” Marcy/Mark question awhile back in another thread. It was very helpful. > > So my question for you, fairly mundane, but did you have a hard time adapting to women’s shoes? Sort of, but I had three major advantages that most transsexual women don’t have. 1. My feet are dead-on the exact size they would be for a cisgender woman of my height. In fact, 3 of my cisgender girlfriends are shorter than me, yet have either the same or larger feet. So it’s easy to find shoes. 2. I have money. I could buy the costly but good-fitting fashionable shoes. And if they didn’t work out, I can buy others. 3. Thanks to my fencing training, I had excellent balance. Balancing in heels was not a problem, and walking was not difficult, although getting used to the fit took work. I also researched shoes. I did experiments. I read and studied and downloaded technical papers on how women’s feet fit in their shoes, and studied numerous tips online and via personal interviews with innumerable cisgender women on which shoes worked best for them, what styles, brands, tips to place pads and moleskins to make them feel better. It’s the same sort of thing I did with everything. I planned, and studied, and asked and took advice. My social transition was engineered to succeed. I started out with low-heeled dancing shoes. Why? They are designed to let your feet take a lot of punishment without punishing your feet. They helped me get used to walking on heels. [These are my “battle heels”, because I can walk for a whole day in them, run, even dance in them in total comfort.](http://www.famousfootwear.com/en-US/Product/35044-1030173/Naturalizer/Black/Womens+Jameson.aspx?campaign=Naturalizer&CMP=KNC-adwordspla&cpc=adwordspla&gclid=CNnmsa_X2bsCFaxr7Aod12IAag&partnerid=adwordspla) Because they are so reliable and so damn comfortable (and I get a lot of compliments on them) I bought 3 pair - a dance pair, a “around town” pair, and a “pristine for special occasions” pair. Another benefit of having money. I dress sharply at work. Every day I wear a skirt and top, or women’s skirt suit. Heels every day, except once in a while flats if they go with the style (like with Pendleton skirts). I can wear 4-inch heels for about 8 hours before I give out, 3-inch for the day. I wear heels to the grocery store, to Petsmart, to the doctors…basically, I wear a skirt and heels everywhere unless it’s exercise or I’m riding my bike. So I spend a lot of time in my heels, and most of them feel as natural to me as tennis shoes. ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2013, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416/100 "2013-12-31T05:08:27Z")
> [@ENugent](#): > > **Una** , I remember you well as **Anthracite**. I had always just assumed that you were a woman who had to adopt some male mannerisms to get along in a male-dominated business - I had no idea that you were living as a man in your business life. I am so sorry that you had to do that. I don’t have any questions that have not been answered at this point - I just wanted to express my support for you. I am so glad that you have found a place of happiness and financial security. Thank you very much! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-transsexual-woman/677416.md?page=6)