# Ask the uber Hetro-Male **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 27, 2007, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678 "2007-01-27T03:20:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![SSG\_Schwartz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SSG\_Schwartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SSG_Schwartz)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2007, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/41 "2007-01-29T02:18:01Z")
[QUOTE=saoirse] Ketchenny? [/QUOTE] Thank-you for bringing this up. This is the way a Hetro-Male tries to bond with the Uber Hetro-Male. I _always_ get something every time I wet my bait. It will always be bigger than anything you will ever catch. I will also not tell you where said fish came from. I don’t want you out there next Sunday. Sgt Schwartz ---
**Author:** ![Princhester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2007, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/42 "2007-01-29T03:40:25Z")
[QUOTE=Kalhoun] What is the minimum number of rachet wrenches a Uber Het Male should have in his toolbox? [/quote] [QUOTE=Sgt Schwartz] Just one, [this one](http://toolmonger.com/2006/05/19/crescents-r2-rapidrench-adjustable-ratcheting-socket-wrench/) [/QUOTE] You blew it, bigtime. Adjustable wrenches are for hanging off the belt of the dancing costume of the Construction Guy in a Village People act. Real men know that adjustables are as much use as tits on a bull, and have a box full of real wrenches for doing actual work, pansy. ---
**Author:** ![SSG\_Schwartz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SSG\_Schwartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SSG_Schwartz)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2007, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/43 "2007-01-29T04:08:10Z")
[QUOTE=Princhester] You blew it, bigtime. Adjustable wrenches are for hanging off the belt of the dancing costume of the Construction Guy in a Village People act. Real men know that adjustables are as much use as tits on a bull, and have a box full of real wrenches for doing actual work, pansy. [/QUOTE] The OP was: > [@](#): > > What is the minimum number of rachet wrenches a Uber Het Male should have in his toolbox? The minimum number is one. I have an entire shed of socket wrenches. I have [this](http://www.sethwhite.org/images/mcmurdo/mcmurdo%20art/plumber%20shop%20pipe%20wrench.jpg) pipe wrench. My purpose is to bring people up to my level, sometimes I may feel the need to start at the basics. If you have to have one wrench, then I chose the best for the job. If you are not an UH-M, then you will always resort to saying, “Yeah, I could fix that, but all my tools are in my toolbox back at home.” And, “Pansy” went out with Boy George, Hero. Try to show respect for that which you do not understand. Sgt Schwartz ---
**Author:** ![catsix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@catsix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/catsix)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2007, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/44 "2007-01-29T04:11:28Z")
> [@](#): > > **Sgt Schwartz** said: > NASCAR events, Hooters Restaurants, or my favorite, “How you doin’” Pretty good, but I think I’m too butch for you. I carry guns and drink beer. Also, not at all submissive and refuse to give up my career. What are my odds with a UH-M? ---
**Author:** ![hocow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hocow/32/4112_2.png) [@hocow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hocow)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2007, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/45 "2007-01-29T05:00:17Z")
So, uh, _how you doin’?_ ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2007, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/46 "2007-01-29T05:21:21Z")
[QUOTE=Sgt Schwartz] You show promise, my friend. The only question I have is why are you going to the grocery store with your girl to begin with? The true UH-M goes to the butcher shop for steaks, the convience store for beer, and the hardware store for charcoal and lighter fluid. Notice that none of these places sell femine hygiene products. And yes, the eye rolls are due to the cotton cork she is wearing. Invite your guy friends over so she will go to bed early and you will not have to see the eye rolls. Sgt Schwartz [/QUOTE] Well, I was going to the grocery store because I needed some more WD40. They had this thing called a “sale”. Apparently, that means it’s a good time to get some. I’d have been content goin to the neighborhood hardware store, but hey. Hope she’s not going to keep this silent crap up. The Super Bowl is next weekend. I take that back, that means she’ll stop asking those “Who’s that guy in the striped shirt?” questions. Pshhh. ---
**Author:** ![SSG\_Schwartz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SSG\_Schwartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SSG_Schwartz)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2007, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/47 "2007-01-30T02:03:58Z")
[QUOTE=catsix] Pretty good, but I think I’m too butch for you. I carry guns and drink beer. Also, not at all submissive and refuse to give up my career. What are my odds with a UH-M? [/QUOTE] > [@](#): > > So, uh, how you doin’? I do okay, babydoll. You can’t be too butch for me if you carry my guns too. Beer drinking is fine if it is a one syllable name on the beer. I don’t need submissive women, just know your place in front of my friends. (See next response) What is your career? Topless dancer is ok, Victorica Secret model or barmaid is better. Best of all is if you are a farmer’s daughter. OP by\*\* Least Original User Name Ever\*\*: > [@](#): > > Well, I was going to the grocery store because I needed some more WD40. They had this thing called a “sale”. Apparently, that means it’s a good time to get some. > > I’d have been content goin to the neighborhood hardware store, but hey. > > Hope she’s not going to keep this silent crap up. The Super Bowl is next weekend. I take that back, that means she’ll stop asking those “Who’s that guy in the striped shirt?” questions. Pshhh. Sale is what you do to a “bote.” UH-M’s do not have sail “botes.” We have monsters of machinery called speedboats. “Good time to get some,” is not during the red tide. (Goes for fishing too) Finally, and to address the issue I raised with **hocow** , the woman in your life should know only to appear when your beer is empty or you need a shoulder rub because your team is down by ten or more. Bonus points for the chicks who watch the game in another room so you can have, “guy time.” Then she can arrive as needed without you calling for her, which is disrespectful to women. Sgt Schwartz ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2007, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/48 "2007-01-30T02:33:35Z")
Also, are manly-man-scientists (I think there might actually be a couple) still working on the coveted flat-spot-on-the-top-of-her-head to rest a can of beer, or did we lose funding? ---
**Author:** ![SSG\_Schwartz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SSG\_Schwartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SSG_Schwartz)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2007, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/49 "2007-01-30T03:01:06Z")
[QUOTE=Least Original User Name Ever] Also, are manly-man-scientists (I think there might actually be a couple) still working on the coveted flat-spot-on-the-top-of-her-head to rest a can of beer, or did we lose funding? [/QUOTE] Thank you for asking about a study which I personally support. I am happy to say that study continues in this area, but the number of 3 and a half foot women with flat head has continued to decrease. Also, on a positive note, are the number of dogs run over on the [ass](http://www.mp3car.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=1003303). Sgt Schwartz ---
**Author:** ![Santo\_Rugger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@Santo\_Rugger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Santo_Rugger)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2007, 6:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/50 "2007-01-30T06:01:17Z")
What’s the sexiest part of a woman’s body, to look at? ---
**Author:** ![Edward\_The\_Head](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ce73a5/32.png) [@Edward\_The\_Head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edward_The_Head)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2007, 1:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/51 "2007-01-30T13:18:33Z")
[QUOTE=Sgt Schwartz] when you watch ladies gymnastics, you probibly do not make comments like, “Damn, I would love to be that Pommel Horse.” [/QUOTE] Well I think I will give up my uber maleness here, but, a [Pommel horse](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pommel_horse) is used during the men’s gymnastics part. However, I didn’t know how to spell it properly. Is there a type of motorcycle that I can ride to help me become more uber male? ---
**Author:** ![Santo\_Rugger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@Santo\_Rugger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Santo_Rugger)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2007, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/52 "2007-01-30T14:57:38Z")
**Edward The Head** , watching enough women’s gymnastics to know they don’t “ride the Pommel horse”, so to to speak, doensn’t require you to give up uber status. ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2007, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/53 "2007-01-30T17:02:48Z")
Sorry for yet another question, but when I’ve got the fellas over and we’re watching the big game, is swatting my sweetie on the ass when she bends over to put the tray of snacks on the coffee table sufficient for saying “thanks”? She usually lets out a long sigh and I get another eye roll. I think that’s her way of saying “You’re welcome”. I dunno. Chicks is funny. ---
**Author:** ![SSG\_Schwartz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SSG\_Schwartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SSG_Schwartz)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2007, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/54 "2007-01-30T23:39:10Z")
[QUOTE=Pygmy Rugger] What’s the sexiest part of a woman’s body, to look at? [/QUOTE] The eyes, when she is on her knees looking up at you, if you know what I mean. 😃 OP by **Edward The Head** : > [@](#): > > Well I think I will give up my uber maleness here, but, a Pommel horse is used during the men’s gymnastics part. However, I didn’t know how to spell it properly. > > Is there a type of motorcycle that I can ride to help me become more uber male? I will make no comments regarding the UH-Mness of a person who watches guys gymnastics :rolleyes: but I can comment on the motorcycle. I, first must ensure you are the type of H-M that will be improved by riding a motorcycle. When you watch American Chopper, do you side with Paul Sr, Paulie, or Mikey? (Please do not respond you do not watch American Chopper). OP by **Least Original User Name Ever** : > [@](#): > > Sorry for yet another question, but when I’ve got the fellas over and we’re watching the big game, is swatting my sweetie on the ass when she bends over to put the tray of snacks on the coffee table sufficient for saying “thanks”? She usually lets out a long sigh and I get another eye roll. I think that’s her way of saying “You’re welcome”. > > I dunno. > > Chicks is funny. **LOUNE** , it is only by asking questions such as you have that you too can improve your Hetro-Male status. Someday maybe, you may even be known as an Uber Hetro-Male, if you pay attention and learn from what is offered. Getting to your question: The pat on the ass is fine regardless of her reaction. You do it to the waitresses at your local watering hole don’t you? The eye roll is because she has been spending too much time with her “enlightened” girlfriends. She really enjoys the ass pat, but the girlfriends have taught her to repress that. Fake her out, like the QB does to the defense. Grab and briefly squeeze every so often. The smile and look of passion that she really feels will slip in on thes occassions. Sgt Schwartz ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2007, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/55 "2007-01-30T23:58:04Z")
Right. Grab and squeeze. Gotcha. Should I be working more to split her from these enlightened girls she’s hanging out with, or will the stick that’s up their asses not fit up my girl’s? ---
**Author:** ![Santo\_Rugger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@Santo\_Rugger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Santo_Rugger)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2007, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/56 "2007-01-31T00:08:16Z")
[QUOTE=Sgt Schwartz] The eyes, when she is on her knees looking up at you, if you know what I mean. 😃 Sgt Schwartz [/QUOTE] I thought it was the _top_ of her head. But I guess you know what they say, beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder. ---
**Author:** ![catsix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@catsix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/catsix)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2007, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/57 "2007-01-31T00:21:24Z")
> [@](#): > > **Sgt Schwartz** said: > You can’t be too butch for me if you carry my guns too. Only if they’re loaded and in my holster. > [@](#): > > Beer drinking is fine if it is a one syllable name on the beer. I like thick, dark beer that I can drink with a fork. Preferably as a side dish with some mostly raw meat. > [@](#): > > What is your career? Topless dancer is ok, Victorica Secret model or barmaid is better. Best of all is if you are a farmer’s daughter. Software engineer. Baby makes bank. > [@](#): > > Bonus points for the chicks who watch the game in another room so you can have, “guy time.” I watch the game in my living room cause it’s my living room. ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2007, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/58 "2007-01-31T00:22:57Z")
Dear UH-M, I’m interested in learning more about your lifestyle. Would you mind comin’ over and explaining it more to my boyfriend and me? We promise cold beer and a good soak in the hot tub. ---
**Author:** ![SSG\_Schwartz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SSG\_Schwartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SSG_Schwartz)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2007, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/59 "2007-01-31T02:03:48Z")
[QUOTE=Least Original User Name Ever] Right. Grab and squeeze. Gotcha. Should I be working more to split her from these enlightened girls she’s hanging out with, or will the stick that’s up their asses not fit up my girl’s? [/QUOTE] A true H-M would tell you to cut her off from the women who are polluting her mind. This is your chance to learn to be an Uber Hetro-Male. Invite yourself to lunch with her “enlightened” friends (you get sports updates on your cell phone, right?) As you are driving home from whatever tofu place your girl went to say something like, “Jessica is way to attractive to have to put up with the crap that Bubba is laying on her.” Doesn’t matter which one you pick, they all have boyfriend problems. Therefore, you acted like you were listening (while you were following sports), she can’t be mad, because you offered to spend time with her, and she will cut Jessica out from the group. Repeat as needed until she finds the appropriate chicks to hang out with. Shouldn’t be more than once or twice. OP by \*\*catsix \*\*: > [@](#): > > > [@](#): > > > > catsix Quote:Sgt Schwartz said: > > You can’t be too butch for me if you carry my guns too. > > > > Only if they’re loaded and in my holster. > > > > Quote:Beer drinking is fine if it is a one syllable name on the beer. > > > > I like thick, dark beer that I can drink with a fork. Preferably as a side dish with some mostly raw meat. > > > > Quote:What is your career? Topless dancer is ok, Victorica Secret model or barmaid is better. Best of all is if you are a farmer’s daughter. > > > > Software engineer. Baby makes bank. > > > > Quote:Bonus points for the chicks who watch the game in another room so you can have, “guy time.” > > > > I watch the game in my living room cause it’s my living room. Attitude, guns, sports, beer and raw meat? You have potential. Lose the attitude, and you could hook up with a UH-M, work on your tool collection, and you could become one. A couple of screening questions, one piece swimsuit or two? Is your gun bigger than a .38Special? And, “How you doin’” OP by **swampbear** : > [@](#): > > Dear UH-M, > > I’m interested in learning more about your lifestyle. Would you mind comin’ over and explaining it more to my boyfriend and me? We promise cold beer and a good soak in the hot tub. Dear **swampbear** , Yeah, the whole boyfriend and hottub thing kind of puts me off. The conversation over cold beer draws me. I do, occasionally, conduct one-on-one training. Usually, it is for those most needing immediate changes. Next time you go to the bar, order an extra shot of bourbon, and the UH-M master may arrive to drink it and decide if you are truly in need. The guy that offers to beat you in 8ball for the shot, and then does, may be me. Sgt Schwartz ---
**Author:** ![catsix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@catsix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/catsix)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2007, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/60 "2007-01-31T02:24:01Z")
> [@](#): > > **Sgt. Schwartz** said: > A couple of screening questions, one piece swimsuit or two? I believe boxer shorts and a t-shirt count as ‘two piece’. > [@](#): > > Is your gun bigger than a .38Special? I carry a 9mm. > [@](#): > > And, “How you doin’” Good. I’m movin’ into my new place in the next couple weeks. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678.md?page=4)