# Ask the uber Hetro-Male **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 27, 2007, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678 "2007-01-27T03:20:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2007, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/61 "2007-01-31T02:47:17Z")
Gotcha. I shouldn’t actually listen to the conversation, right? I might have to imagine name tags plastered on their soft, luscious, supple knockers in order to keep the little scamps all straight. Should I say that more of her friends are too pretty to put up with their miserable guy, or keep it to a select couple at the beginning? Should I tell the entire group this? Is it permissible to be thinking disgusting thoughts while they slurp spaghetti? ---
**Author:** ![SSG\_Schwartz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SSG\_Schwartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SSG_Schwartz)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2007, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/62 "2007-01-31T02:50:38Z")
[QUOTE=catsix] I believe boxer shorts and a t-shirt count as ‘two piece’. I carry a 9mm. Good. I’m movin’ into my new place in the next couple weeks. [/QUOTE] Damn, Damn, Damn. I thought you had potential, but every UH-M knows you must carry a _revolver_,semi-autos don’t count for Uh-M status. You had a chance and blew it. You may need to watch some more Tim Allen stand-up before you have become a true Hetro-Male. Sgt Schwartz ---
**Author:** ![catsix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@catsix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/catsix)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2007, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/63 "2007-02-01T01:00:11Z")
I know something you don’t. 😉 I’m not a male. I’m a girl who likes UH-Ms. ---
**Author:** ![SSG\_Schwartz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SSG\_Schwartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SSG_Schwartz)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2007, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/64 "2007-02-01T01:04:15Z")
[QUOTE=catsix] I know something you don’t. 😉 I’m not a male. I’m a girl who likes UH-Ms. [/QUOTE] Damn, you got me again, **catsix**. Keep the 9mm, or get a .38 Special. Lose the boxers in the pool (I mean trade them for a swimsuit) and save me a seat at Daytona. 😉 Sgt Schwartz ---
**Author:** ![catsix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@catsix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/catsix)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2007, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/65 "2007-02-01T01:17:19Z")
> [@](#): > > **Sgt. Schwartz** said: > Damn, you got me again, catsix. Keep the 9mm, or get a .38 Special. Lose the boxers in the pool (I mean trade them for a swimsuit) and save me a seat at Daytona. I’m planning to get something .40 for my next gun. I prefer semi-autos to revolvers, just as a personal thing. I could swim naked, I suppose. Wanna go camping? ---
**Author:** ![SSG\_Schwartz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SSG\_Schwartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SSG_Schwartz)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2007, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/66 "2007-02-01T03:00:49Z")
[QUOTE=catsix] I’m planning to get something .40 for my next gun. I prefer semi-autos to revolvers, just as a personal thing. I could swim naked, I suppose. Wanna go camping? [/QUOTE] Bring your .40, leave your swim suit at home, (along with the boyfriend) name the place, and I will build you a log cabin within a couple of hours. You will get to see a UH-M in his natural enviornment. Sgt Schwartz ---
**Author:** ![catsix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@catsix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/catsix)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2007, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/67 "2007-02-02T03:19:33Z")
Cabin? You don’t sleep in a tent? Well, if you insist on modern convenience… ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2007, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/68 "2007-02-02T14:17:47Z")
I was watching Overhaulin’ last night and the uber-masculine gearhead who got the redone Nomad was crying like a baby. Was that OK? ---
**Author:** ![magellan01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@magellan01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magellan01)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2007, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/69 "2007-02-02T16:03:28Z")
[QUOTE=Sgt Schwartz] My wife does not buy Cruex for me. As you should know I scratch my jock itch whenever I feel the need to. [/QUOTE] Sorry, pal, but you described merely what the Hetero Male would do. The true Uber Hetro Male has his women scratch his crotch, or anything else, for him. That’s the reason to have them grow their nails in the first place. ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2007, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/70 "2007-02-02T16:30:15Z")
[QUOTE=Sgt Schwartz] Dear **swampbear** , Yeah, the whole boyfriend and hottub thing kind of puts me off. The conversation over cold beer draws me. I do, occasionally, conduct one-on-one training. Usually, it is for those most needing immediate changes. Next time you go to the bar, order an extra shot of bourbon, and the UH-M master may arrive to drink it and decide if you are truly in need. **The guy that offers to beat you in 8ball for the shot, and then does, may be me.** Sgt Schwartz [/QUOTE] Bolding mine. Dear U-HM, Is it wrong that I am so turned on by the sentence in bold? ---
**Author:** ![Engineer\_Dude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9fc29f/32.png) [@Engineer\_Dude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Engineer_Dude)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2007, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/71 "2007-02-02T20:05:57Z")
Dear UHM, Who is a bigger badass? Jack Bauer or Chuck Norris? ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2007, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/72 "2007-02-02T20:17:20Z")
Hell, I can answer that last one. It’s Chuck Norris in a landslide. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2007, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/73 "2007-02-02T20:22:05Z")
Even after Walker, Texas Ranger? ---
**Author:** ![SSG\_Schwartz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SSG\_Schwartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SSG_Schwartz)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2007, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/74 "2007-02-02T22:13:16Z")
[QUOTE=catsix] Cabin? You don’t sleep in a tent? Well, if you insist on modern convenience… [/QUOTE] I thought of offering to pitch a tent for you, thought of how that would sound, and drew up the plans for a log cabin instead. If I will make you feel better, I will chop down the trees using nothing but a Gerber Multi-tool. Sgt Schwartz OP by **magellan01** : > [@](#): > > Sorry, pal, but you described merely what the Hetero Male would do. The true Uber Hetro Male has his women scratch his crotch, or anything else, for him. That’s the reason to have them grow their nails in the first place. **Magellan01** , I stand by my original statement. Yes, women may want to scratch my crotch for me, but they usually have difficulty finding the exact point where it itches. Also, those sharp fingernails may result in injury, which could render the affected area temporarily useless. That is a chance that the true UH-M will never take. I do appreciate your input. It is only by making comments such as these can you truly learn to be an Uber Hetro-Male. Sgt Schwartz OP by **swampbear** : > [@](#): > > Bolding mine. > > Dear U-HM, > > Is it wrong that I am so turned on by the sentence in bold? Dear **swampbear** , No, and How you doin’? Sgt Schwartz OP by **Engineer Dude** : > [@](#): > > Dear UHM, > > Who is a bigger badass? Jack Bauer or Chuck Norris? Dear Engineer Dude, Although I try not to get into debates about badassedness, I would have to say [Chuck Norris](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=356203&highlight=Chuck+Norris), every one of those posts is a true fact. The similar thread about Jack Bauer (which I will not link to, is full of fabrications to drive the thread. And also, **gigi** , real men are always better than fictional characters, even if they may make bad decisions at times, re:Walker Sgt Schwartz ---
**Author:** ![catsix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@catsix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/catsix)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2007, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/75 "2007-02-02T23:47:53Z")
> [@](#): > > **Sgt Schwartz** said: > I thought of offering to pitch a tent for you, thought of how that would sound, and drew up the plans for a log cabin instead. If I will make you feel better, I will chop down the trees using nothing but a Gerber Multi-tool. > > Sgt Schwartz Only if you will tolerate that I will be using my Leatherman to assist me in procuring the firewood. All camping requires a camp fire. We also require beer. How many cases do you think are appropriate? I will not need room for a make-up table, and electricity is similarly not required. ---
**Author:** ![SSG\_Schwartz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SSG\_Schwartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SSG_Schwartz)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2007, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/76 "2007-02-03T02:25:06Z")
[QUOTE=gigi] I was watching Overhaulin’ last night and the uber-masculine gearhead who got the redone Nomad was crying like a baby. Was that OK? [/QUOTE] I missed your post earlier, UH-m’s can only cry while watching their mother die, or a Roadrunner cartoon in which the coyote gets him. Anything else is a pretender. Sgt Schwartz ---
**Author:** ![SSG\_Schwartz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SSG\_Schwartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SSG_Schwartz)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2007, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/77 "2007-02-03T02:29:48Z")
[QUOTE=catsix] Only if you will tolerate that I will be using my Leatherman to assist me in procuring the firewood. All camping requires a camp fire. We also require beer. How many cases do you think are appropriate? I will not need room for a make-up table, and electricity is similarly not required. [/QUOTE] At least 2 cases per day, unless you plan on drinking. I do not need electricity. I can make my own sparks. You make the firewood, I will make the heat. Do you fish, or shoud we just play poker? Sgt Schwartz ---
**Author:** ![catsix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@catsix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/catsix)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2007, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/78 "2007-02-03T03:19:52Z")
I fish. I will bring my own rod and reel. Will we be fly fishing? Also, I hunt small and large game and can cook it on the fire which you will create with only a few pieces of flint and some dry moss. I will bring beer for myself also. ---
**Author:** ![SSG\_Schwartz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SSG\_Schwartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SSG_Schwartz)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2007, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/79 "2007-02-03T03:59:48Z")
[QUOTE=catsix] I fish. I will bring my own rod and reel. Will we be fly fishing? Also, I hunt small and large game and can cook it on the fire which you will create with only a few pieces of flint and some dry moss. I will bring beer for myself also. [/QUOTE] Fly fishing requires me to put down my beer. I chase big bass. You have made it too easy for me by allowing dry moss. I only use dampproof matches. Can you get to NC by springtime? Sgt Schwartz ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2007, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678/80 "2007-02-05T14:34:16Z")
[QUOTE=Sgt Schwartz] Dear **swampbear** , No, and How you doin’? Sgt Schwartz [/QUOTE] Dear UH-M, I **do** just fine. How _you_ doin’? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-uber-hetro-male/389678.md?page=5)