# Ask the White Male Black Lesbian **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 3, 2009, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-white-male-black-lesbian/508701 "2009-09-03T00:24:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2009, 7:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-white-male-black-lesbian/508701/21 "2009-09-09T07:14:17Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > I was also surprised that nobody knew “my secret identity”. I’m not a total flamer (not that there’s anything wrong with that- in fact I mentioned it in my spiel that I think “flamers” [effeminate flamboyant and openly gay guys] get way too much scorn from many gays considering that were it not for them the gay rights movement for the “straight acting gays” would likely have been long delayed), but I’ve always assumed I was rather obviously gay (singing show-tunes, unmarried, pics of my small dogs on my desk next to the Egyptian god statues, etc.), but several expressed surprise (to me that day and to the professor later) of the “I had no idea…” variety. Of course I’m always amazed at the shortage of gaydar 'way down south in the land of Queer Paw-Paws.\* Well, I can’t speak for every Northern Spaniard from Alabama, but I can tell you that in my case the lack of gaydar (or many other social-stuff-dars) is linked to not giving a shit. I don’t take conclusions about whether someone is gay any more than about whether they own dogs, have children, are married or go to church: if they tell me, great, but I reckon it’s no business of mine unless they do tell me. It’s a direct reaction to my mother jumping to conclusions so fast that if it was an Olympic discipline she’d have several gold medals; I just refuse to do it. And it’s not like my relationship to someone will change because they do or don’t do any of the aforementioned, in 99% of cases (learning that a guy who’s asked me for a date is unmarried but has three children from three different mothers would be that other 1%). ---
**Author:** ![missred](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/missred/32/14096_2.png) [@missred](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/missred)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2009, 8:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-white-male-black-lesbian/508701/22 "2009-09-09T08:53:53Z")
Well done, **Sampiro** (as usual). I, too, wish you’d lectured when I was in college. Good to see you posting again…I’ve missed you! ---
**Author:** ![shantih](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f6c823/32.png) [@shantih](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shantih)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2009, 10:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-white-male-black-lesbian/508701/23 "2009-09-09T10:19:24Z")
> [@EJsGirl](#): > > **Sampiro** , you are my all-time favorite white male black lesbian! > > 🆒 I don’t want to be a copycat, so I’ll just say that you’re definitely in my personal top 3. ---
**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2009, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-white-male-black-lesbian/508701/24 "2009-09-09T13:12:21Z")
I have pictures of my small dogs on my desk, and I want very badly to find a fuchsia ascot. I am confused. ---
**Author:** ![Wargamer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/df705f/32.png) [@Wargamer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wargamer)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2009, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-white-male-black-lesbian/508701/25 "2009-09-09T14:57:44Z")
1. Seat belts = good. 2. Drugs = bad. Important safety tip. Thanks, **Sampiro**. Thanks as well for the thought-provoking, entertaining assessments of gay issues as well. ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2009, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-white-male-black-lesbian/508701/26 "2009-09-09T16:08:32Z")
**Sampiro** , you’re a born teacher. I’m proud to call you friend. ---
**Author:** ![Snickers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@Snickers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snickers)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2009, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-white-male-black-lesbian/508701/27 "2009-09-09T16:31:22Z")
[Echoing everyone else here] **Sampiro** , you’re the bestest. Just simply the bestest. Thanks for sharing with us and those kids - with luck, you’ve touched and changed a number of lives. Even if you’re secretly not a black lesbian. ---
**Author:** ![vd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b19c9b/32.png) [@vd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vd)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2009, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-white-male-black-lesbian/508701/28 "2009-09-09T18:34:59Z")
A couple of follow up questions, please: 1. Do black lesbians record their lectures for later transcription to message boards? Or do they do the best that they can from memory? 2. Can I drive after having, like, only 4 beers and a shot of Jack if I wear my seat belt? Back in the day, when this Math and Physics geek took a Human Sexuality course for his Social Sciences and Writing Intensive requirements, the prof. brought in an assortment of the folks of the rainbow one class period. It’s been some time and I don’t remember who all was there or many of the details, apart from the drag queens who started the session in their daytime clothes and showed how they got dressed as a backdrop to the whole thing. (I recall one of them shared his opinion on the different things you could fill nylon stockings with for your falsies.) But it definitely gave a more personal understanding than comparing and contrasting Rubyfruit Jungle with something-or-another. These folks seemed like they did this often enough to be pretty comfortable with. I doubt there were any no-shows. Of course, this was UC Santa Cruz, where the class will be in a heated competition for who can be the most evidently open-minded. So good job, Sampiro, for being a solo first-timer in a potentially more difficult environment. I’m sure you’ve made a difference. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2009, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-white-male-black-lesbian/508701/29 "2009-09-10T23:32:00Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > Well, I can’t speak for every Northern Spaniard from Alabama, but I can tell you that in my case the lack of gaydar (or many other social-stuff-dars) is linked to not giving a shit. I don’t take conclusions about whether someone is gay any more than about whether they own dogs, have children, are married or go to church: if they tell me, great, but I reckon it’s no business of mine unless they do tell me. That’s definitely the reason for much silence on the issue (apathetic respectfulness, which in spite of how it sounds is actually a virtue), but by amazing shortage of gaydar I’m referring to people who seem genuinely clueless. You wouldn’t believe how many people can work with the gayer-than-a-Barbra-Streisand-BARBIE-doll co-worker, one who may even live in a 1 BR with his “roommate” of 4 years, and yet ask him- genuinely- if he has a girlfriend, or worse- they’ll _date_ them or encourage their daughter to date them. One case I’ll always remember was a co-worker I’ll call “Brando”. He could just about have sued [David Alan Grier](http://www.ugo.com/tv/best-sketch-comedies/images/men-on.jpg) for using him as the template for his Men on \_\_\_\_ character. FLAMER. F-L-A-M-E-S He wore perfume (or cologne that smelled like it) and sewed his own satin shirts. He had a poster of Will Smith at his desk because “he’s such an inspiration to me” (?- they had nothing in common- well, they were both black men and… well, that’s it). He could lisp while humming. When he announced he was getting married I- and many other people (including his cousin) thought and said amongst ourselves “to a man or a woman?” “Is he actually coming out?”, but it was to a woman, and many of his co-workers and family were genuinely thrilled. “Ooh, he’s going to make such a great husband because he cooks and sews and cleans and ajaodjf aodfjaodjaf”. Of course he immediately set about planning the wedding including the gown. While it’s not absolutely inconceivable that he’s straight, I would say that it is as close to absolutely inconceivable as you can get without actually mindreading. His co-workers (and according to his cousin, his family): absolutely clueless. Weren’t surprised at all by the fact he was marrying a woman, thought it was about time he settled down. Some had tried to fix him up with their own relatives or acquaintances before this and were disappointed he was off the market. Brando was also extremely religious and almost addicted to his church. There were several other cases similar to this that I’ve known, several of them men who later came out. They were often what I call “NGVJ”- not gay by virtue of Jesus. It’s fairly common: "guys who bathe themselves in (often very sincere) religious faith to hide or deny the fact they’re gay. The reason I am positive NGVJ exists is because I know many gay guys who’ve been there/done that before finally one day they decide they don’t want to anymore, or their wife gets tired of always having her face in the pillow, or whatever, and they end up coming out. And some stay in their marriages or church and make it work- I certainly wish them every happiness. Others become increasingly bitter- some of the most anti-gay zealots you’ll meet fit into this category. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2009, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-white-male-black-lesbian/508701/30 "2009-09-11T05:09:14Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > You wouldn’t believe how many people can work with the gayer-than-a-Barbra-Streisand-BARBIE-doll co-worker, one who may even live in a 1 BR with his “roommate” of 4 years, and yet ask him- genuinely- if he has a girlfriend, or worse- they’ll _date_ them or encourage their daughter to date them. Lemme tell you, I totally wish I had been able to get my mother’s reaction to Oscar’s marriage on tape. He and his group of friends were The Eligible Bachelors back when I was in middle school and high school. My (“always assume the worst, you’ll be right”) mother must have tried to push him and another one of the group on me a hundred times if it wasn’t two hundred; all our mothers loved him, because he was handsome, and polite, and always so well turned out (hint: a 15yo who wears peach shirts with his initials embroidered, just like his Daddy’s, and it’s at the boy’s request? Nu-hu). And then his was one of the first same-gender marriages in Spain. And after recovering from her almost-faint, my (did I say bigoted? if I didn’t, I say it now) dear mother went “ohmygod! What about the others?”, the others being the rest of the guys in that group who were unmarried at the time. “Well, gee, Mom, I don’t know, why don’t you go to Alfonso’s mother and ask her? Or Javi’s?” For some reason, she assumes that any unmarried woman over age 30 is a lesbian. A man can be unmarried at 50, wear bowties and salmon jackets over pearl grey slacks, and hold hands with a leather-clad hunk, and she’ll still consider both of them eligible 😛 ---
**Author:** ![emmaliminal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7bcc69/32.png) [@emmaliminal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/emmaliminal)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2009, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-white-male-black-lesbian/508701/31 "2009-09-12T01:56:54Z")
Bless you and keep you for the work you do, **Sampiro**. Wish I knew how to say it better, but you make my life more happy. Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Lucky\_13](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucky_13/32/13209_2.png) [@Lucky\_13](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucky_13)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2009, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-white-male-black-lesbian/508701/32 "2009-09-13T19:43:45Z")
Thank you for transcribing your discussion with the class, **Sampiro**. I honestly didn’t know about what happened to Billy Jack Gaither. So sad. I hope you caused these people to at least open their minds a little bit. We are all human beings, and we love who we love and nobody can change that. Some people just don’t seem to realize that. I always look forward to reading your posts, and this thread made my day. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-white-male-black-lesbian/508701.md?page=1)