# Ask the woman with schizoid personality disorder **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 27, 2010, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-woman-with-schizoid-personality-disorder/558476 "2010-10-27T01:57:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2016, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-woman-with-schizoid-personality-disorder/558476/61 "2016-01-23T20:27:26Z")
> [@LukeStew](#): > > My question is: Is it impossible that I can be schizoid and hide it so well and fake normalcy? If I was really schizoid I would not be about to hide it, right? [Secret Schizoid.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder#The_.27secret_schizoid.27) > [@](#): > > Many fundamentally schizoid individuals display an engaging, interactive personality that contradicts the observable characteristic emphasized by the DSM-IV and ICD-10 definitions of the schizoid personality.[6] Klein classifies these individuals as “secret schizoids”,[6] who present themselves as socially available, interested, engaged and involved in interacting yet remain emotionally withdrawn and sequestered within the safety of the internal world. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2016, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-woman-with-schizoid-personality-disorder/558476/62 "2016-01-23T21:30:23Z")
> [@John\_DiFool](#): > > Question I’ve wondered about for awhile, since you mentioned arts and crafts in the OP [I just PM’ed **monstro** about the rezz btw since her light was on]: > > Would you put things, very personal things, into your art (symbolically) that you would either not talk about with anyone (esp. the person who might have inspired it, if any) otherwise and/or even go so far as to deny said meaning if asked about it? Whenever people ask me to talk about my artwork beyond just me explaining where the materials come from or how I do X, Y, and Z, I struggle. My art definitely taps into my emotions, but either I don’t have the vocabulary to put the feelings into words or I’m just not that deep. I am more of the “ooh, pretty!” type of artist, I guess. I’m too much of a concrete thinker to be bothered with symbols. > [@Longshanks](#): > > I don’t understand people who have friends and/or relationships but then claim to be schizoid or something. Why would you get married for if you really are a schizoid? I think a lot of people do things with the idea that they can “fake it till they make it”. There is enormous social pressure to pair up with another person and create a family. Perhaps a person doesn’t want to do either of these things, but they can’t imagine life any other way. So they go along with the program, hoping that their desires then follow. Since I created this thread, I think I have made some positive strides. I’m still on the alexythymic side and still don’t desire closeness with another person, but I don’t know if I would check off the same diagnostic “boxes” I did five years ago. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2016, 10:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-woman-with-schizoid-personality-disorder/558476/63 "2016-01-24T10:03:44Z")
> [@Longshanks](#): > > I don’t understand people who have friends and/or relationships but then claim to be schizoid or something. Why would you get married for if you really are a schizoid? Because “it’s what everybody does” or “it’s your social/familial/religious duty”. The same reasons apply to having kids. ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2016, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-woman-with-schizoid-personality-disorder/558476/64 "2016-01-24T17:26:52Z")
> [@John\_DiFool](#): > > [Secret Schizoid.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder#The_.27secret_schizoid.27) “Many fundamentally schizoid individuals display an engaging, interactive personality that contradicts the observable characteristic emphasized by the DSM-IV and ICD-10 definitions of the schizoid personality.[6] Klein classifies these individuals as “secret schizoids”,[6] who present themselves as socially available, interested, engaged and involved in interacting yet remain emotionally withdrawn and sequestered within the safety of the internal world.” :eek: I think this is me. For so many years I’ve wondered what the hell is wrong with me. Outwardly I seem outgoing, engaging, chatty and interactive. But every interaction is so stressful inside me. Even with my immediate family. Going out for lunch with my mom is something I _want_ to do but when I’m actually doing it, it’s so freaking stressful. Same with going for lunch with coworkers. It’s so stressful that I have to constantly keep telling myself “relax, stop scrunching your shoulders, relax, nothings happening, you’re fine”. It’s very hard to admit this because I’m so careful to not let anybody know. I’m the receptionist and my desk is the busiest in the office. There’s always goodies and games and things on my desk so people hang out all the time and chat with me. Nobody would know that inside I’m panicking and trying to make myself relax. It’s so nice being alone at home because I can just relax and not worry about not looking like a freak in front of people. I’m also extremely uncomfortable with people showing emotions. Sometimes at work someone will be happy or excited about something and shout “Yay!” and maybe do a little jig and it makes me want to crawl under my desk. If someone shows anger, it’s all I can do to not flee. I’m not emotionless though because I do feel things very strongly. I just keep them to myself. Anyway, even though this is a zombie, it’s been an interesting and informative read! Thanks, \*\*Monstro \*\*! ---
**Author:** ![LukeStew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/edb3f5/32.png) [@LukeStew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LukeStew)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2016, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-woman-with-schizoid-personality-disorder/558476/65 "2016-01-24T23:59:14Z")
> [@Longshanks](#): > > I don’t understand people who have friends and/or relationships but then claim to be schizoid or something. Why would you get married for if you really are a schizoid? Thank you for clearing that up. Being married excludes the diagnosis of schizoid PD. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2016, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-woman-with-schizoid-personality-disorder/558476/66 "2016-01-25T00:53:14Z")
**monstro** , after reading this thread, and based on people I’ve known with either mental or physical problems, the important thing is to live your life as YOU wish. If you prefer to work on your art alone and spend your evenings alone then do it - it’s your life, you are not obligated to make others happy. I’m someone who has been happily married for a quarter century and enjoys sex, but there are times I feel our society is WAY too obsessed with such things. Yes, they can be wonderful things, but they aren’t the _only_ things in life. Enjoy what you enjoy and try not to worry about the rest. If you aren’t involved in romantic relationships yes, you might miss a few good things, but you _also_ get to miss messy break ups, hurt feelings, broken hearts, and emotional betrayal. It’s a trade-off. Basically, have a good life on YOUR terms. ---
**Author:** ![Robert163](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/4af34b/32.png) [@Robert163](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robert163)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2016, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-woman-with-schizoid-personality-disorder/558476/67 "2016-01-25T01:00:41Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > Since I created this thread, I think I have made some positive strides. I’m still on the alexythymic side and still don’t desire closeness with another person, but I don’t know if I would check off the same diagnostic “boxes” I did five years ago. For whatever it’s worth, before I read this thread I never had any idea you had this diagnosis. I agree with others, live you life as you see fit. I’ve always seen you as smart and friendly and a good person. I know you said you are sometimes indifferent to both praise and criticism but still, I wanted to give you the compliment. ---
**Author:** ![Lakai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lakai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lakai)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2016, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-woman-with-schizoid-personality-disorder/558476/68 "2016-01-28T02:07:26Z")
> [@LukeStew](#): > > I feel schizoid but don’t behave it. I feel I have all the symptoms but no one knows. I have a stone-face, it’s always caught in photos, but no one has ever said anything to me about it. My pervasive pattern is no friends and always feeling that I think differently. I am married though. My husband doesn’t talk much so it works out. I never desire sex but I like it once it’s happening. I have to work and care for my kids and be social during the day but when 10 at night hits I awaken with energy and I can finally be by myself to do all kinds of things until 2 in the morning which leaves me sleep-deprived. I also read that the perfect job for a schizoid would be a lighthouse operator. I’m not nautical, I’m more into the cosmos, so the thought of being a solo astronaut up in space is one of the few that makes me smile. > > My question is: Is it impossible that I can be schizoid and hide it so well and fake normalcy? If I was really schizoid I would not be about to hide it, right? As others mentioned, you can be a secret schizoid. However, just because you do not like people, doesn’t necessarily make you a schizoid. You could be a sociopath or have avoidant personality disorder. I’ve been doing a lot of reading on schizoid personality disorder, and it seems like there are two hallmarks of SPD that separate it from other disorders where you dislike people: 1. You withdraw from reality into a world inside your imagination. Do you get depressed if you spend too much time away from TV, books or video games? 2. You want absolute control over how close people can get to you. You do not want to get too close to people, but at the same time, you do not want to be completely alone. This is called a schizoid compromise. A version of this compromise is actually the marriage you described, where you marry someone so that you’re not alone, but you keep that person at a distance by never really becoming close to them. Schizoids can also make friends at work that they never hang out with outside of work. > [@](#): > > Another question: What really angers schizoids? I don’t get offended by anything, people’s words or actions never harm me or hurt me and I take criticism just fine. I don’t need people but I have family members that do need people and I owe it to them to see them every once in a while so they don’t think I’m an asshole. I have this one member who I had to get together with for lunch and I had to endure all this small talk about her bad hip, her haircut, her this and that. I was so bored I had to entertain myself by making up new scientific discoveries to share with her. Later that day she took to Facebook to tell everyone how great it was to see me and to learn about all my new passions in life. I wanted to vomit, I wanted to shutdown and never speak to another person ever again. This felt like a violation of my privacy and I decided I am ignoring this person. I know rationally this is not a normal response but this is the response. What angers schizoids is when someone puts them in a position where they cannot control how close people get to them. For example, if someone pushes you to go to a party or if someone gets upset because you didn’t go to a party. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2016, 7:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-woman-with-schizoid-personality-disorder/558476/69 "2016-01-28T07:13:23Z")
> [@LukeStew](#): > > Thank you for clearing that up. Being married excludes the diagnosis of schizoid PD. About as well as being in a heterosexual marriage excludes being homosexual. “Why did you get married” makes a world of difference, here. ---
**Author:** ![Tommy1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e47774/32.png) [@Tommy1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tommy1)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2020, 12:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-woman-with-schizoid-personality-disorder/558476/70 "2020-07-19T12:56:05Z")
So… I’ve found this thread pretty late, apparently it’s been inactive for four years, so I don’t know if it can be revived. I found it interesting to read your description. Do you think it’s just genetics, or have you related your schizoidism to some things you’ve experienced as well? Like upbringing or life experiences? I guess I’m most interested in the whole causal thing, and whether there is more than just genetics at work. Although I wouldn’t say I have schizoid PD, I do have some schizoid traits. I am better at making friends than I am at keeping them. I like being alone and working on intellectual stuff. When I have social activities I never look forward to them, but when I’m there I do enjoy it. Making jokes and stuff. But I never miss anyone, and losing friends is not a problem for me. People in my life tend to disappear after a while because I don’t initiate contact. I don’t really care that much. My family is also pretty self-centered. I have contact with my dad about once a year, just a formality. He’s probably worse when it comes to schizoidism; he has no empathy at all (he admits this) and hates being with people. He once said that he thinks he misses an emotional component; he has no interest and care for others. If I don’t see my sister and mother for half a year or a year, we are all fine with that. I have never really understood why family should be important. Blood relationships don’t mean much to me, and neither does friendship. I care about people, and I can empathize with them, but when they’re not there, I just don’t think about them and focus on my own life.My sister is also pretty flat in her affect, but my mother is “normal” when it comes to emotions and relationships. There’s schizophrenia in my dad’s family, so we probably have some genetic predisposition there. But my dad was very distant and my mother was pretty intrusive, hyperemotional and demanding, so I think that my upbringing was also a big factor. What is different between you and me is that I have pretty strong sexual desires, and I have had relationships. I am currently in a relationship as well. I can feel strong attractions to women, in a pretty obsessive way. I find it hard to imagine not having sexual desires. It’s like my desire for love and affection (which is usually quite low) suddenly comes out when I meet a new girl that I’m attracted to, but it fades and dissipates when we’re in a relationship for a longer period of time. My girlfriends often complain that I’m not very considerate and that I don’t listen much to them. I just don’t care about their stories about their work or what they did with friends. I don’t care about meeting their friends or family. I try to fake being interested, but I can’t keep that up for very long. Although I find the superficial aspects of social life pretty dull, I guess I am fascinated by the deeper layers of people, emotions and relationships, (at least in an intellectual sense) because I work as a psychotherapist. I am actually pretty empathic (in an emotional way), and can put myself in their shoes. In my work as a therapist I can make meaningful connections (which I am surprisingly uninterested in in my day to day life) without having to reciprocate by showing myself and being too vulnerable. I get to hear interesting stories (not the boring daily facts that friends and family tend to offer) and work out this puzzle with my clients, trying to figure out how they tick and why they feel what they feel. It’s very rewarding for me, and I can feel love and care for my clients. For a long time I thought I had no emotions at all, but while working as a therapist, my awareness of my emotions has greatly improved. Now, I can easily feel anger, frustration, sadness, anxiety and so forth. My “depersonalization” is pretty much gone, even though my need for (long-term) relationships is still pretty much nonexistent. Anyway, I don’t think I have schizoid PD, but there’s definitely a schizoid part inside me that would be fine all by myself. But that part of me doesn’t feel very alive… What is it like for you? Aren’t you frustrated sometimes that you can feel dead or like you’re not really living? It has gotten better for me since I have more contact with my emotions, but I guess I have a longer way to go… EDIT: well this post got much longer than I had planned. ---
**Author:** ![Jeff\_Lichtman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jeff_lichtman/32/1531_2.png) [@Jeff\_Lichtman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jeff_Lichtman)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2020, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-woman-with-schizoid-personality-disorder/558476/71 "2020-07-19T17:21:59Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > . . . the fact that schizoidism has high co-mobidity with depression, self-destructive behavior, schizotypical PD, and a whole host of other bad things. . . How much of this do you think is inherent in SPD, and how much is because people with SPD aren’t understood by most others? That is, if people understood you and treated you accordingly, how much would that help with depression and tendency toward self-harm? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-the-woman-with-schizoid-personality-disorder/558476.md?page=3)