# Asking for cash for honeymoon instead of Wedding presents - tacky? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 19, 2013, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-for-cash-for-honeymoon-instead-of-wedding-presents-tacky/656159 "2013-04-19T19:46:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![alphaboi867](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alphaboi867/32/3898_2.png) [@alphaboi867](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alphaboi867)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2013, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-for-cash-for-honeymoon-instead-of-wedding-presents-tacky/656159/61 "2013-04-20T16:43:18Z")
> [@Celyn](#): > > Ah, I just realised. Been together for years and don’t need toasters and stuff but do want a bloody expensive holiday with other peoplel paying for it? They are playing at being Kate Middleton and Prince William. 😃 Actually the soon-to-be Cambridges requested [charitable](http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/royal-wedding-prince-william-and-kate-176760) donations in lieu of gifts. ---
**Author:** ![Catamount](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/catamount/32/2840_2.png) [@Catamount](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catamount)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2013, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-for-cash-for-honeymoon-instead-of-wedding-presents-tacky/656159/62 "2013-04-20T18:32:39Z")
> [@Scougs](#): > > Am I overreacting? No. No you are not. It is extremely tacky. One of my hobbies is reading (and mocking) advice columns, and I see this question come up all the time. The answer is always “it is in extremely poor taste to troll for gifts with the wedding invites.” With proper wedding etiquette, one does not even send the registry information with the invites–those go in a separate mailing. If someone sent me something like that, I’d drop two pennies in an envelope marked “So you can buy a clue.” But then, I am known to be a bitter old harpy. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2013, 6:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-for-cash-for-honeymoon-instead-of-wedding-presents-tacky/656159/63 "2013-04-21T06:49:33Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > We didn’t do 95% of the things people tried to talk us into, because WE HAD THE WEDDING WE COULD AFFORD, both in terms of time/effort and expense. If someone is not having the wedding they can afford, that is quite simply not my problem to solve. There’s nothing I could do to help solve it anyway, since the actual problem isn’t the time or money or mental energy being expended–the actual problem is that they don’t have the sense or the spine to set reasonable boundaries and stay within those boundaries. Them presenting me with an invoice for my share of the wedding, or me ponying up, isn’t going to actually accomplish shit. Here, here! We had 25 people at our wedding, and it was the biggest for three generations. My wife’s parents said, this is what we can afford, work within that. That’s what we did for daughter 1 and will do for daughter 2. If they spend less, they keep the money. I’m not opposed to registries, even cash registries - I’m just opposed to billing your guests. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2013, 6:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-for-cash-for-honeymoon-instead-of-wedding-presents-tacky/656159/64 "2013-04-21T06:51:30Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > I think it is brilliant. > I also did a money dance and the chicken dance at my wedding, so tacky obviously doesn’t bother me. I never went to one, but in Louisiana there was a tradition of a wedding dance where guest pinned money onto the bride’s dress. These were advertised on the radio. :eek: Of course in Lafayette, where we lived, everyone was related to everyone else. ---
**Author:** ![JuliaSqueezer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/82dd89/32.png) [@JuliaSqueezer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JuliaSqueezer)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2013, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-for-cash-for-honeymoon-instead-of-wedding-presents-tacky/656159/65 "2013-04-21T15:08:08Z")
I foresee a time, in the not-too-distant future, where all the pretense and social niceties (commonly referred to these days as “manners”) just go the way of the dodo bird, in favor of truth and crass money-grubbing goodness, where brides and grooms just sell tickets to their weddings. Calculate the cost of the dinner, plus the venue, plus the flowers, gowns, tux rentals, photographer and other incidentals, and come up with a figure. Add a 50% profit margin (more or less, depending on family traditions, regional differences, etc.) to pay for the honeymoon and whatever else the bride wants. Then send a bill to your family and guests. They pay the bill, they get an admission ticket. Simple! ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2013, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-for-cash-for-honeymoon-instead-of-wedding-presents-tacky/656159/66 "2013-04-21T15:17:43Z")
I am really surprised at the responses in this thread. Every invite I have gotten for a wedding has always said “the happy couple is registered at…” Or something to that effect. It’s not uncommon nor is it looked at as tacky or in bad taste. And there is always a gift table at the reception to hold presents people bring to the wedding. When we had our wedding 8 years ago it was a low key reception in the church gym, and we got quite a few presents at the reception which my mom and maid of honor transported back to our apartment for us. We did not worry about having to transport them and we did get money at our reception as well, during the dance with the bride or groom part. Nothing unusual or tacky. One of my dad’s friends wrote me a $200 check to dance with me. I had no problem taking the money. The reception was lovely. I honestly did not worry about much for my wedding and reception. I picked my dress and left the rest up to my mom, husband-to-be, and maid of honor. They all cared more about colors, food, venue, cake, linens, blahblahblah than I did. Weddings in general are silly affairs and if you can get a few bucks from it what it is harm? ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2013, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-for-cash-for-honeymoon-instead-of-wedding-presents-tacky/656159/67 "2013-04-21T15:35:50Z")
Man people get angry about other people’s weddings. A bunch of you would actually boycott a wedding of a friend or family member who didn’t put a bunch of junk on a wedding registry that they didn’t need, rather than asking for what they really need which is help paying for their honeymoon? There must be a line somewhere that your rude protest of their rude behavior actually makes you out to be the bigger asshole. ---
**Author:** ![JuliaSqueezer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/82dd89/32.png) [@JuliaSqueezer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JuliaSqueezer)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2013, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-for-cash-for-honeymoon-instead-of-wedding-presents-tacky/656159/68 "2013-04-21T15:50:45Z")
Maybe the biggest assholes are the bride and groom who feel entitled to a honeymoon that they can’t afford (obviously) that they expect their guests to pay for. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2013, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-for-cash-for-honeymoon-instead-of-wedding-presents-tacky/656159/69 "2013-04-21T15:51:14Z")
Okay, so I haven’t read every response, apologies from the start. I worked for a wedding caterer for ages and went to tons of weddings as a result, which has likely coloured my view, to be honest. I think generations of conformity to outdated traditions, to the point where weddings are a marathon like day of ceremony, photos, toasting, cake cutting, first dances and on and on. Most brides remember nothing because they so packed the day, weddings so large there can be no significant interaction with guests who may have come long distances, etc. Personally I think it’s time to toss the lot. Do what you feel so you enjoy the day, and let the rest just pass. As for this particular tempest in a teapot, initially I am in agreement with your reaction. It is tacky. However they appear to have spelled it out pretty clearly that they didn’t care if you brought a gift other than your presence. At that point, any obligation you feel the need to conform to, is all on you. She explained why they don’t need toasters and flatware, and you admit that she likely what she would most dearly love is an exotic holiday that has never been within her grasp. Isn’t she your dear friend? Can’t you imagine the guests struggling to choose a gift? “They have household items, let’s see, what might be their heart’s desire?” I can, and she gave you other choices including no gift, or a gift card. The whole idea is to make it easier for your guests, and avoid gifts of no utility. It is also possible that this info sheet was not sent to everyone. Only those she felt were open to such an option, open minded and understanding. Why isn’t that you? When it comes to weddings everybody needs to unclench and eat them transform organically into something more enjoyable, less stressful and less rigid. ---
**Author:** ![Catamount](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/catamount/32/2840_2.png) [@Catamount](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catamount)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2013, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-for-cash-for-honeymoon-instead-of-wedding-presents-tacky/656159/70 "2013-04-21T16:08:22Z")
Personally, I think weddings are overdone anyway. My ideal wedding would be a simple ceremony (or a simple standing before the nearest Justice of the Peace, ship captain, etc.) and a small party afterwards if one is inclined. I don’t see the point of huge overblown weddings with the dress and the bridesmaids and the favors and the gift bags and the hey-hey-hey. But then again, I’ve only been to two weddings that I was sure wasn’t a bad idea. Those two weddings were my sisters’. ---
**Author:** ![Tequila\_Party](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a6a055/32.png) [@Tequila\_Party](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tequila_Party)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2013, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-for-cash-for-honeymoon-instead-of-wedding-presents-tacky/656159/71 "2013-04-21T16:24:46Z")
I’m not understanding the huge faux pas either. I’d rather know what someone actually wants, up front without having to do any further investigation, then to buy one more set of useless towels. Also, I choose to take people and their stated intentions at face value over something that doesn’t matter shit in the great scheme of things. If I objected to this practice, they gave me an option (my presence) that I could avail myself of. And I couldn’t care less if it is for a “vacation” a year later. If it makes them happy, and I intend on giving them a gift anyway, that’s all that is important to me. The whole thing isn’t about me. I’d rather _my_ manners be impeccable in response than Miss Manners’ manners anyway. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2013, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-for-cash-for-honeymoon-instead-of-wedding-presents-tacky/656159/72 "2013-04-21T16:52:07Z")
Yeah, I’m pretty sure the purpose of a gift is to make the recipient happy, not the gifter. So if money makes them happy, that’s a lot less hassle for me! ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2013, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-for-cash-for-honeymoon-instead-of-wedding-presents-tacky/656159/73 "2013-04-21T17:02:31Z")
> [@JuliaSqueezer](#): > > Maybe the biggest assholes are the bride and groom who feel entitled to a honeymoon that they can’t afford (obviously) that they expect their guests to pay for. They never said they “expect their guests to pay” for it. They said hey, we don’t need any extra shit or a dozen toaster ovens so _if you feel like you want to give us something and we aren’t providing you with a list of objects you can purchase at Bed Bath & Beyond_, here is something you can get for us that we would appreciate in lieu of that. ---
**Author:** ![BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bcef8e/32.png) [@BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2013, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-for-cash-for-honeymoon-instead-of-wedding-presents-tacky/656159/74 "2013-04-21T17:03:38Z")
For everyone who’s saying that an itemized honeymoon registry is tacky and a normal gift registry isn’t, what’s the difference? A $50 punch bowl is normal, but a $50 massage breaks the rules of etiquette? ---
**Author:** ![markdash](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba8739/32.png) [@markdash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/markdash)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2013, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-for-cash-for-honeymoon-instead-of-wedding-presents-tacky/656159/75 "2013-04-21T18:23:17Z")
I don’t see a substantial difference between a gift registry and a honeymoon registry. The problem I have is soliciting donations in your wedding invitation. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2013, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-for-cash-for-honeymoon-instead-of-wedding-presents-tacky/656159/76 "2013-04-21T18:39:01Z")
> [@markdash](#): > > I don’t see a substantial difference between a gift registry and a honeymoon registry. The problem I have is soliciting donations in your wedding invitation. The point of a registry is to conveniently and discreetly provide gifting suggestions for people who _inquire_, because they don’t know on their own. Guests who do know the principals well should just get them gifts, you know, like normal people do for all other gifting occasions. Putting a registry announcement, or any other call for gifts, _in_ the invitation implies specific expectations–no matter what else they say. If they _really_ meant that your presence was the only important thing, they would just send an invitation. That’s what an invitation is. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2013, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-for-cash-for-honeymoon-instead-of-wedding-presents-tacky/656159/77 "2013-04-21T18:45:21Z")
> [@sandra\_nz](#): > > Yeah, I’m pretty sure the purpose of a gift is to make the recipient happy, not the gifter. Nope. If it doesn’t make both parties feel good, you’re doing it wrong. Again, the purpose of a registry isn’t just, or even primarily, to ensure the couple getting the loot they want. It’s to assure the givers, if necessary, that their gift will be used and appreciated. Because the giver feeling good about it _is_ part of the point. ---
**Author:** ![11811](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/1/9d8465/32.png) [@11811](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/11811)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2013, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-for-cash-for-honeymoon-instead-of-wedding-presents-tacky/656159/78 "2013-04-21T21:19:26Z")
Tacky. I had a friend who mentioned to me a preference for money, but this guy always had the best of everything and insisted on the three-month’s-salary rule for the engagement ring. I passive-aggressively gave them a hedgetrimmer with no receipt. I had another friend who truly seemed to be struggling, and I did write a check for his wife and him. ---
**Author:** ![esmeralda2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ccd318/32.png) [@esmeralda2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/esmeralda2)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2013, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-for-cash-for-honeymoon-instead-of-wedding-presents-tacky/656159/79 "2013-04-21T21:53:37Z")
> [@Scougs](#): > > So, my lifelong best friend is getting married. She’s 48. She’s never been married before (neither has he). They have lived together for seven years in a house she owns. > > She has always been a disaster area with money. She’s had various debts over the years, and is always complaining that she can’t afford this and that. Her salary is comparable (or better) than many of our group of friends; yet she frequently complains that she can’t afford the kind of holidays we manage to have. We can never figure out what she spends her money on. > > I’m head bridesmaid, and tried to give her some gentle advice about handling the thorny issue of wedding presents. I encouraged her to just ask people to ask me as part of my duties. > > However, I got my invitation today. As well as the invite, there is an A4 sheet of information, and the last paragraph is headed “Wedding gifts”. It says: > > “We have been asked if we have a wedding list. We are lucky enough to have most things we need for our home, and in fact are de-cluttering as part of our ongoing decoration project! the most important thing to us is that you can come to share our day, so there’s no obligation to give us anything. However, if you want to make a contribution we have set up the following site to help us raise enough for our planned honeymoon next year: [Honeyfund - Give a Gift](http://www.honeyfund.co.uk/wedding/%5Bredacted%5D). Alternatively gift vouchers for a DIY store such as B&Q would also be most appreciated.” > > There was also a slip of paper in with the invitation (which was the first thing that fell out when I opened it) with the Honeyfund website and logo on it. > > When you go onto the site, it says the kind of holiday they want (California, Las Vegas, Grand Canyon, Yosemite). You can choose from various options, such as a contribution towards air fare (£50 or £25), dinner with champagne, money towards a hire car (“help us upgrade to a convertible!”) , an overnight stay in specific luxury hotels and so on. It also mentions that they are not planning doing this for a year after the wedding. > > I am appalled. It’s not a fucking honeymoon, it’s a holiday. It’s “ooh, we’ve been together for years, we don’t need a toaster, pay for our holiday”. > > People are travelling from all over for this wedding. Most have to pay for transport, a hotel stay, as well as a new outfit etc, and drinks at hotel prices (free bar is not the norm in the UK). I’ve already shelled out for my Bridesmaid dress, and a fair bit on the hen night. And they’ve put in a “give us some money” in the invitations? > > Am I overreacting? > > I searched the Dope and the last thread I could find on this subject was from 2008. The feeling then was not exactly positive - I’m curious if this is now considered normal. I think it’s very tacky. This is someone who doesn’t need any household wedding gifts and makes a good salary. The only reason she can’t afford to pay for her own honeymoon is because she doesn’t manager her money. It’s really slimy to ask people for money this way. I think, they should say, there is no need for gifts but people can contribute a charity: that would be the only classy thing to do. Your friend is a creep. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2013, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-for-cash-for-honeymoon-instead-of-wedding-presents-tacky/656159/80 "2013-04-21T22:18:34Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > I am really surprised at the responses in this thread. Every invite I have gotten for a wedding has always said “the happy couple is registered at…” Or something to that effect. I have never once received registry information in a wedding invitation. I often receive the information in bridal shower invitations, but those are events thrown by people other than the bride for the specific purpose of gift-giving - and that’s a significant difference. It’s not the bride telling everyone what she wants- it’s her friends and relatives saying “We’re all going to get together and get the bride what she needs to set up her first household. Here’s a list of what she needs and the styles she likes.” ``` I've never seen a bridal shower thrown for a couple in their late thirties or older. I imagine there's a assumption that someone of that age has already set up a household where a 24 year old getting married may be leaving her parents' home for the first time, and a 28 year old may have lived on her own but probably does not have quality household goods. ``` [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-for-cash-for-honeymoon-instead-of-wedding-presents-tacky/656159.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-for-cash-for-honeymoon-instead-of-wedding-presents-tacky/656159.md?page=5)