# Asking out a workmate: should I do it? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 3, 2014, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-out-a-workmate-should-i-do-it/689959 "2014-06-03T20:37:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2014, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-out-a-workmate-should-i-do-it/689959/21 "2014-06-04T16:54:01Z")
> [@The\_Mask\_behind\_the\_Mask](#): > > **It’s also been years since I’ve been on a date** , so I’m not sure if it’s the build up of hormones driving my emotions here. I’m already ambivalent about you asking out someone in your department, this makes me nervous. When you haven’t dated, it’s so easy to come on too strong or appear too serious or not confident enough or…etc. You get the picture. Maybe everything will go fine, but if I were you I’d dip my toe back in the dating pool in a more casual, low stakes way. Sign up for OKCupid or [Match.com](http://Match.com) and go on a few practice dates. Meeting some other people who you like and who like you will test whether you really feel a connection to your coworker or if she’s just in your daily orbit and thus convenient. Plus, you’ll likely be more confident in your dating skills and perhaps have a few entertaining stories to tell about terrible first dates which everyone likes, both of which will make whatever happens with your coworker go more smoothly. ---
**Author:** ![Stringbean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Stringbean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stringbean)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2014, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-out-a-workmate-should-i-do-it/689959/22 "2014-06-04T16:54:43Z")
> [@Ethilrist](#): > > That’s the story as he told it, so I guess my brother’s a big, fat liar then. Thanks for the tip. There’s no way he asked a female co-worker out to grab a sandwich & beer, on a Friday night when everyone else from the office was doing the same, and he got fired for sexual harassment. There is much more to that story. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2014, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-out-a-workmate-should-i-do-it/689959/23 "2014-06-04T17:59:41Z")
> [@Ethilrist](#): > > That’s the story as he told it, so I guess my brother’s a big, fat liar then. Thanks for the tip. I don’t know who is lying, but the scenario you described does not happen, so someone must be. ---
**Author:** ![elninost0rm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ed655f/32.png) [@elninost0rm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elninost0rm)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2014, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-out-a-workmate-should-i-do-it/689959/24 "2014-06-04T18:12:51Z")
> [@Stringbean](#): > > I disagree. She considers him a friend. He needs to wiggle his way out of friend zone. Time between the two of them where they can talk comfortably is the way to negotiate that line. The formal setting of a “date” achieves the opposite. Nerves are high. > > OP: Low pressure. Coffee or a drink. Act flirtatious and outgoing. Make her laugh, and subtly sexualize the conversation: “when did you have your first kiss? when was the first time you fell in love? **when did you lose your virginity**?” Work your way up to that last one. > > Do not tell her you like her. Actions will be more effective. If it’s going really well invite her back to your place. If she agrees, give her room for the first few minutes, then make the move. > > Even if she doesn’t like you, you may well have charmed her enough to fool around with you. So 2-3 coffee dates for that one, do you suppose? ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2014, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-out-a-workmate-should-i-do-it/689959/25 "2014-06-04T18:15:56Z")
No, you shouldn’t ask her out. Why would you take a chance of ruining a friendship and having weirdness at work? ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2014, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-out-a-workmate-should-i-do-it/689959/26 "2014-06-04T18:44:59Z")
> [@Stringbean](#): > > There’s no way he asked a female co-worker out to grab a sandwich & beer, on a Friday night when everyone else from the office was doing the same, and he got fired for sexual harassment. There is much more to that story. Maybe he asked her when she lost her virginity over coffee. That would probably do it. ---
**Author:** ![elninost0rm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ed655f/32.png) [@elninost0rm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elninost0rm)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2014, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-out-a-workmate-should-i-do-it/689959/27 "2014-06-04T18:46:45Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > Maybe he asked her when she lost her virginity over coffee. That would probably do it. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2014, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-out-a-workmate-should-i-do-it/689959/28 "2014-06-04T18:58:42Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > Maybe he asked her when she lost her virginity over coffee. That would probably do it. I, for one, never lost my virginity over coffee. Coffee breath and sexy times don’t mix well. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2014, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-out-a-workmate-should-i-do-it/689959/29 "2014-06-04T19:32:52Z")
> [@Stringbean](#): > > There’s no way he asked a female co-worker out to grab a sandwich & beer, on a Friday night when everyone else from the office was doing the same, and he got fired for sexual harassment. There is much more to that story. I’m just spitballing here, but it could have been the straw that broke the camel’s back for a weak employee. Maybe his brother was already on thin ice, the coworker went to HR and exaggerated the incident, and out on his ass he went. It’s a stretch, and I’m guessing there’s way more to the story, but it’s not 100% implausible. ---
**Author:** ![Quercus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/7ab992/32.png) [@Quercus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quercus)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2014, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-out-a-workmate-should-i-do-it/689959/30 "2014-06-04T20:11:03Z")
> [@Stringbean](#): > > I disagree. She considers him a friend. He needs to wiggle his way out of friend zone. Time between the two of them where they can talk comfortably is the way to negotiate that line. The formal setting of a “date” achieves the opposite. Nerves are high. > > OP: Low pressure. Coffee or a drink. Act flirtatious and outgoing. Make her laugh, and subtly sexualize the conversation: “when did you have your first kiss? when was the first time you fell in love? when did you lose your virginity?” Work your way up to that last one. > > Do not tell her you like her. Actions will be more effective. If it’s going really well invite her back to your place. If she agrees, give her room for the first few minutes, then make the move. > > Even if she doesn’t like you, you may well have charmed her enough to fool around with you. You know, I was going to say that a coworker might be the one case where I’d say not being completely direct might be a good idea. Then I read this post and it was so creepy that I’m backing up and saying: Be direct about it being a date. Of course, I even more strongly endorse the recommendation to find another date or four somewhere else first, before even thinking any further about the co-worker. If she really is Ms. Right and not Ms. Right There, you’ll figure it out, and things will go much more smoothly if it’s not your first date in a long time. And if she is just Ms. Right There, then way better to figure it out before anything job-endangering happens. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2014, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-out-a-workmate-should-i-do-it/689959/31 "2014-06-04T20:45:03Z")
So the virginity question on the first date was a joke. Right? RIGHT??? ---
**Author:** ![Napier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ce73a5/32.png) [@Napier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Napier)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2014, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-out-a-workmate-should-i-do-it/689959/32 "2014-06-04T21:15:40Z")
Men consistently overestimate women’s sexual interest, in the context of friendly relationships. If you’re going to rock the boat with a currently happy friendship and work relationship, you should do it fully cognizant of the odds. “The results suggest large gender differences in how men and women experience opposite-sex friendships. Men were much more attracted to their female friends than vice versa. Men were also more likely than women to think that their opposite-sex friends were attracted to them—a clearly misguided belief. In fact, men’s estimates of how attractive they were to their female friends had virtually nothing to do with how these women actually felt, and almost everything to do with how the men themselves felt— basically, males assumed that any romantic attraction they experienced was mutual, and were blind to the actual level of romantic interest felt by their female friends. Women, too, were blind to the mindset of their opposite-sex friends; because females generally were not attracted to their male friends, they assumed that this lack of attraction was mutual. As a result, men consistently overestimated the level of attraction felt by their female friends and women consistently underestimated the level of attraction felt by their male friends. […] These results suggest that men, relative to women, have a particularly hard time being “just friends.” What makes these results particularly interesting is that they were found within particular friendships (remember, each participant was only asked about the specific, platonic, friend with whom they entered the lab). This is not just a bit of confirmation for stereotypes about sex-hungry males and naïve females; it is direct proof that two people can experience the exact same relationship in radically different ways. Men seem to see myriad opportunities for romance in their supposedly platonic opposite-sex friendships. The women in these friendships, however, seem to have a completely different orientation—one that is actually platonic.” This is excerpted from: “Men and Women Can’t Be ‘Just Friends’” Researchers asked women and men “friends” what they really think—and got very different answers Adrian F. Ward Tuesday, October 23, 2012 Scientific American Yay science! ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mask\_behind\_the\_Mask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ebca7d/32.png) [@The\_Mask\_behind\_the\_Mask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mask_behind_the_Mask)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2014, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-out-a-workmate-should-i-do-it/689959/33 "2014-06-04T21:58:22Z")
Boy oh boy. I appreciate the responses, all. [QUOTE=spifflog] You don’t know - can’t know - the “or if things don’t work out” part. [/QUOTE] Yeah, I have to admit that you’re right. As much as I’d like to argue that I would be fine and act naturally, I can’t make a case for lack of evidence. Frankly, I’d do my darnest to handle things gracefully, but who am I to say how it’ll boil down? [QUOTE=Giraffe] Maybe everything will go fine, but if I were you I’d dip my toe back in the dating pool in a more casual, low stakes way. [/QUOTE] I don’t want to come off as entitled, especially since I haven’t dated much, but I don’t want to go on dates for the sake of going on dates. That doesn’t seem enjoyable to me. It almost feels like I need to “work my way up” just to date someone I’m interested in. Am I afraid I won’t act the right way? Sure I am, but I think I’ll be nervous no matter how many dates I’ve been on because I do like her. Besides that, we’ve known each other for a while, so I wouldn’t feel totally helpless talking to her. I’m not blasting your advice—really, I wish I did have more dates under my belt. But, I just can’t find appeal in dating someone I don’t know. Is that strange? I kinda think it is. It might be a fault of mine that hopefully clears up with age and experience. I’m not sure. [QUOTE=Stringbean] Do not tell her you like her. Actions will be more effective. If it’s going really well invite her back to your place. If she agrees, give her room for the first few minutes, then make the move. Even if she doesn’t like you, you may well have charmed her enough to fool around with you. [/QUOTE] I’d naturally favor an easier approach where I don’t have to specifically ask her out, so at first glance, this seems appealing. But, I’m not really looking to “score” here, and doing something like this seems quick and/or dishonest. I don’t want to trick her into a friendly meeting then toss a romantic bomb in the mix. [QUOTE=Ethilrist] She said no, and when they got to the ground floor, he headed for the bar & she went the other way. Monday morning, he’s cleaning out his desk, fired on charges of sexual harassment. Worst case scenario. Well, no arrest was involved, so maybe next-worst. [/QUOTE] Even my naive self can tell there are holes in the story here. I’m sorry about the situation, but there’s likely more to it. . . . After digesting all these ideas, I kinda feel like I’m not ready for it. I might just need to let my feelings simmer down, maybe meet someone else outside of work. I am OK the way things are between us now, and it might be best for her and me if I instead further our friendship; the idea of a friendly outing with no feelings attached actually sounds like a relief by now. The potential to make her uncomfortable and add unnecessary tension at work . . . well, even if it wouldn’t happen, the possibility is scary, and I’d rather not inflict that on either of us without being much more certain. What hit me the hardest is the idea that I might be attracted to her because she’s in my “daily orbit” or she’s “Ms. Right There.” I can’t say if that’s true right now, but taking some time and perhaps finding someone outside of work might tell me. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2014, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-out-a-workmate-should-i-do-it/689959/34 "2014-06-04T23:33:53Z")
> [@Napier](#): > > … > This is excerpted from: > > “Men and Women Can’t Be ‘Just Friends’” > Researchers asked women and men “friends” what they really think—and got very different answers > Adrian F. Ward > Tuesday, October 23, 2012 > Scientific American > Yay science! They needed a study for that? That was my life from 15 to 28. ---
**Author:** ![treis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bc79bd/32.png) [@treis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/treis)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-out-a-workmate-should-i-do-it/689959/35 "2014-06-05T01:51:32Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > I don’t know who is lying, but the scenario you described does not happen, so someone must be. When I started a job the CEO spoke about relationships in the office and essentially said that if the woman complained at all, he would fire the man. I see no reason to think that if I asked out a coworker and she complained that I wouldn’t be fired on the spot. As to the OP, do not be that guy. If your coworker is a hot developer, then she probably has been constantly treated inappropriately at work. Don’t add your self to the list. I’m going to be blunt here, and I apologize but I don’t see another way to say this. Your coworker has demonstrated essentially nothing to indicate that she has a romantic interest in you. Asking her out would be totally inappropriate, and there’s not a very good probability that it turns out well. You’re admittedly not that experienced in dating, and what you’re proposing is the dating equivalent of climbing Mt Everest. It’s just not a good idea. ---
**Author:** ![OurLordPeace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/e8c25b/32.png) [@OurLordPeace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OurLordPeace)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-out-a-workmate-should-i-do-it/689959/36 "2014-06-05T01:53:05Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > I’m already ambivalent about you asking out someone in your department, this makes me nervous. When you haven’t dated, it’s so easy to come on too strong or appear too serious or not confident enough or…etc. You get the picture. Maybe everything will go fine, but if I were you I’d dip my toe back in the dating pool in a more casual, low stakes way. **Sign up for OKCupid or [Match.com](http://Match.com) and go on a few practice dates.** Meeting some other people who you like and who like you will test whether you really feel a connection to your coworker or if she’s just in your daily orbit and thus convenient. Plus, you’ll likely be more confident in your dating skills and perhaps have a few entertaining stories to tell about terrible first dates which everyone likes, both of which will make whatever happens with your coworker go more smoothly. This assumes one can get those practice dates. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-out-a-workmate-should-i-do-it/689959/37 "2014-06-05T02:11:49Z")
> [@The\_Mask\_behind\_the\_Mask](#): > > I don’t want to come off as entitled, especially since I haven’t dated much, but I don’t want to go on dates for the sake of going on dates. That doesn’t seem enjoyable to me. It almost feels like I need to “work my way up” just to date someone I’m interested in. Am I afraid I won’t act the right way? Sure I am, but I think I’ll be nervous no matter how many dates I’ve been on because I do like her. Besides that, we’ve known each other for a while, so I wouldn’t feel totally helpless talking to her. > > I’m not blasting your advice—really, I wish I did have more dates under my belt. But, I just can’t find appeal in dating someone I don’t know. Is that strange? I kinda think it is. It might be a fault of mine that hopefully clears up with age and experience. I’m not sure. The reason I gave the advice I did is based on the experience of several friends who have found themselves back in the dating world in the past few years. (Me, I did all my dating in college and grad school when it was super easy to meet people.) They went on a bunch of dates, either through Internet dating or people they met and asked out, and the whole thing suddenly got a lot easier for them. They’re just ridiculously better at dating now. Because once you’ve gone on a bunch of coffee dates with women from OKCupid, you realize that there are a ton of nice people out there and you don’t need to pin all your hopes on someone before you’ve even dated them. You have coffee, get to know each other a little and see if they’re someone you might like. If not, no big deal. It’s not even a serious date, more like a quick meeting to see if you even want to date. There’s no time to fret about the people you didn’t click with because next week you’ll have three new coffee dates. As an added bonus, when you then find yourself attracted to your coworker, you don’t hem and haw. You either ask them for coffee or you decide you’d rather not risk drama in the workplace and go back to dating other people. Either way, you’re in a position to put your best self forward and not latch onto people based on convenience or proximity, but based on who you really click with. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-out-a-workmate-should-i-do-it/689959/38 "2014-06-05T02:12:53Z")
> [@OurLordPeace](#): > > This assumes one can get those practice dates. If you can’t get any dates via online dating, odds are your coworker isn’t going to want to date you either. So maybe figure out why no one wants to date you and work on that first? ---
**Author:** ![Napier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ce73a5/32.png) [@Napier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Napier)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-out-a-workmate-should-i-do-it/689959/39 "2014-06-05T02:17:40Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > They needed a study for that? That was my life from 15 to 28. Well, did you publish? See, the thing is, this is very useful to me. One side of my suspicions has now won out over the other side. I’m even coming to terms with it. Cluelessness is so easy to come by. It’s not often I get good data to resolve these unaskable questions. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mask\_behind\_the\_Mask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ebca7d/32.png) [@The\_Mask\_behind\_the\_Mask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mask_behind_the_Mask)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-out-a-workmate-should-i-do-it/689959/40 "2014-06-05T02:35:45Z")
Thanks a lot **Giraffe** , your advice really puts things into perspective, and it sounds pretty good to me. I’m gonna put myself out there and give it a shot. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-out-a-workmate-should-i-do-it/689959.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asking-out-a-workmate-should-i-do-it/689959.md?page=3)