# Assholes in old TV westerns **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 25, 2018, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assholes-in-old-tv-westerns/807429 "2018-01-25T02:47:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2018, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assholes-in-old-tv-westerns/807429/61 "2018-01-26T18:45:57Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > The Mavericks - all of them - were assholes. They cheated and conned their way through every episode, they were cowards, and the only reason they werent in prison was because the local sherriffs cut a deal with them after they helped catch the worse assholes. > [@carnivorousplant](#): > > They usually conned someone who had cheated or threatened them. This. And they never cheated at cards, although they could spot when someone else was cheating. Also, none of them habitually carried a weapon, although they weren’t afraid to use their fists if they had to. I’d call that just being prudent instead of cowardly. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2018, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assholes-in-old-tv-westerns/807429/62 "2018-01-26T19:23:44Z")
> [@cochrane](#): > > This. And they never cheated at cards, although they could spot when someone else was cheating. Also, none of them habitually carried a weapon, although they weren’t afraid to use their fists if they had to. I’d call that just being prudent instead of cowardly. Some con woman had Bret and a crooked card sharp gamble at gunpoint to wed her. Both of them cheated to get the low hand. ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2018, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assholes-in-old-tv-westerns/807429/63 "2018-01-26T19:47:53Z")
> [@carnivorousplant](#): > > A wheelchair saddle, being chased by Godzilla. While wearing a fake arrow-through-the-head prop. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2018, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assholes-in-old-tv-westerns/807429/64 "2018-01-27T02:48:15Z")
I’ll tell you who else is an asshole, “Major” Seth Adams of Wagon Train is an asshole. Constantly berating a couple of guys he went through the war with. Wooster rented a motel room while the train was preparing, and Adams kicked him out for a woman Adams was sweet on. In an earlier episode, he respected a passenger’s religious rights to deny health care to his wife who was dying of injuries and depended upon a local physician to talk the guy out of it. Asshole! ---
**Author:** ![FoieGrasIsEvil](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foiegrasisevil/32/16638_2.png) [@FoieGrasIsEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FoieGrasIsEvil)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2018, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assholes-in-old-tv-westerns/807429/65 "2018-01-27T03:30:53Z")
“Well…BYE” ---
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_waldo_pepper/32/12370_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Waldo_Pepper)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2018, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assholes-in-old-tv-westerns/807429/66 "2018-01-27T03:33:08Z")
> [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](#): > > Not sure where I read it: Lucas McCain killed more men than cholera. IIRC, a stand-up comic once did a bit about how, if you had a pretty quick draw, and things escalated until you were squaring off against Lucas McCain, then Lucas — well, already _has his out and pointed at you_ just as you _start to reach for something,_ is all. No, I _agree_ that you’d win the Now Start To Reach For Something game; it’s just that Lucas is, um, playing a _different_ game. [pantomimes reaching down to draw a pistol] [pantomimes holding still with an aimed rifle] You see it, right? [pantomimes reaching down to draw a pistol] [pantomimes holding still with an aimed rifle] He’s, uh, _already done_. You’re not faster than the speed of “done”. ---
**Author:** ![Lorne\_Armstrong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/87869e/32.png) [@Lorne\_Armstrong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lorne_Armstrong)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2018, 6:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assholes-in-old-tv-westerns/807429/67 "2018-01-27T06:09:25Z")
“You go to town, Tonto.” “You go to hell, Kimosabe.” ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2018, 7:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assholes-in-old-tv-westerns/807429/68 "2018-01-27T07:03:20Z")
> [@FoieGrasIsEvil](#): > > “Well…BYE” Wins the thread as far as I’m concerned. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2018, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assholes-in-old-tv-westerns/807429/69 "2018-01-27T13:54:16Z")
> [@Lorne\_Armstrong](#): > > “You go to town, Tonto.” > “You go to hell, Kimosabe.” 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Capn\_Carl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/838e76/32.png) [@Capn\_Carl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Capn_Carl)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2018, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assholes-in-old-tv-westerns/807429/70 "2018-01-27T14:09:06Z")
> [@cormac262](#): > > Blasphemy !! None of the Barkley boys (even the “bastard”) were assholes. Quite the contrary. They were the most moral and decent family in the whole valley. > Nick Barkley was a “hot head” and prone to violence, but not an asshole ! Being a hot head, and prone to violence, makes him an asshole. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2018, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assholes-in-old-tv-westerns/807429/71 "2018-01-27T14:13:52Z")
\*“I’ll stay here and set up camp. Tonto, you go into town and buy supplies.” “Tonto have better idea. Tonto stay here, set up camp. Kemosabe go into town, buy supplies.”\* Then there was John Byner’s routine where Tonto was an interior decorator who habitually rearranged their camp: _“Put the campfire next to the cactus. What’s that? Don’t like it? Well, toughs, Kemo!”_ The people who own the Lone Ranger threatened to sue him if he ever did it again. :mad: ---
**Author:** ![Temporary\_Name](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8c91f0/32.png) [@Temporary\_Name](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Temporary_Name)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2018, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assholes-in-old-tv-westerns/807429/72 "2018-01-27T20:57:43Z")
> [@TreacherousCretin](#): > > Wins the thread as far as I’m concerned. Well Curly Bell wasn’t a black and white (just into color) TV cowboy, but as far as being an asshole? I couldn’t agree more, maybe the biggest of all serious cowboys. Perhaps even more than Johnny Ringo who was for sure more proficient with firearms. The thing for certain that this thread has taught me, is that Willie Nelson was right. My hero’s have always been cowboys. True as that is I would have never believed it twenty years ago. ---
**Author:** ![Temporary\_Name](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8c91f0/32.png) [@Temporary\_Name](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Temporary_Name)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2018, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assholes-in-old-tv-westerns/807429/73 "2018-01-27T21:01:41Z")
> [@Capn\_Carl](#): > > Being a hot head, and prone to violence, makes him an asshole. An asshole with a heart of gold. As I stated above, not if you measure by intent. Nick never set out to be a bully, he was just a scrappy guy who was willing to reply in kind to uncivilized behavior. ---
**Author:** ![Temporary\_Name](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8c91f0/32.png) [@Temporary\_Name](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Temporary_Name)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2018, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assholes-in-old-tv-westerns/807429/74 "2018-01-27T21:13:42Z")
> [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](#): > > IIRC, a stand-up comic once did a bit about how, if you had a pretty quick draw, and things escalated until you were squaring off against Lucas McCain, then Lucas — well, already _has his out and pointed at you_ just as you _start to reach for something,_ is all. No, I _agree_ that you’d win the Now Start To Reach For Something game; it’s just that Lucas is, um, playing a _different_ game. > > [pantomimes reaching down to draw a pistol] > [pantomimes holding still with an aimed rifle] > > You see it, right? > > [pantomimes reaching down to draw a pistol] > [pantomimes holding still with an aimed rifle] > > He’s, uh, _already done_. You’re not faster than the speed of “done”. His speed is not the impressive part to me. This guy never missed a target at any range, firing as fast as possible, and shooting from the hip. All of these guys, there was never any need to put sights on any of their firearms-- they never looked through them. Ever! Lucas McCain is the all time winner in this regard, but Nick Barkley once shot the flame off of six matches across the thirty foot dirt street in a little over two seconds shooting from his hip. World record marksmanship in any era. I always wondered what business was behind the hitching post the matches were on. Two different guys shot a total of twelve bullets through their building, then just walked away. Must have been hard to keep customers after that. Oh, and I still contend that these were just good guys who understood the time in which they lived. ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2018, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assholes-in-old-tv-westerns/807429/75 "2018-01-27T22:01:23Z")
> [@Temporary\_Name](#): > > Well Curly Bell wasn’t a black and white (just into color) TV cowboy, but as far as being an asshole? I couldn’t agree more, maybe the biggest of all serious cowboys. Perhaps even more than Johnny Ringo who was for sure more proficient with firearms. Bloody hell, I forgot we were talking about “old TV westerns.” I withdraw the nomination for Thread Winner. ---
**Author:** ![Capn\_Carl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/838e76/32.png) [@Capn\_Carl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Capn_Carl)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2018, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assholes-in-old-tv-westerns/807429/76 "2018-01-28T00:59:27Z")
Jerrod and Heath Barkley could defend themselves, but didn’t have impulse control issues, or anger management issues. Not so, Nick Barkley. He was the kind of guy who would wrongly accuse and disable a gypsy. He was the kind of guy who could do this: “Nick Barkley once shot the flame off of six matches across the thirty foot dirt street in a little over two seconds shooting from his hip. World record marksmanship in any era. I always wondered what business was behind the hitching post the matches were on. Two different guys shot a total of twelve bullets through their building, then just walked away. Must have been hard to keep customers after that.” That’s rock solid asshole. He was also a little stupid, if I remember correctly. ---
**Author:** ![Lucas\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucas_jackson/32/303_2.png) [@Lucas\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucas_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2018, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assholes-in-old-tv-westerns/807429/77 "2018-01-28T01:23:37Z")
> [@Temporary\_Name](#): > > An asshole with a heart of gold. But an asshole nonetheless. His interaction with the shows antagonist could be characterized in the manner you suggest but he ran rough-shod over rank and file citizens in an assholish way. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the guy - he was my favorite Barkley. But still… ---
**Author:** ![davidm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/davidm/32/225_2.png) [@davidm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/davidm)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2018, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assholes-in-old-tv-westerns/807429/78 "2018-01-28T01:29:13Z")
How about Doc Stone with his condescending behavior towards Festus? ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2018, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assholes-in-old-tv-westerns/807429/79 "2018-01-28T02:31:32Z")
> [@davidm](#): > > How about Doc Stone with his condescending behavior towards Festus? I would say that qualifies as does Major Adams and Wooster. Festus and Wooster both have some gears missing. They should be in an institution making baskets instead of shooting squirrels in the eye and performing ET operations on injured people. I cannot resist. I beg your pardon in advance. Dillon saddles his horse. Enter Festus “Matthew, are you goin’ up agin the Dalton gang what kidnapped Mis Kitty all by your own self?” “Yep, Festus.” “Matthew, there’s fifty of them, and hear tell they have a Gatling gun.” “Yep, Festus.” “Well, Matthew, I like Miss Kitty a whole lot, but she ain’t nothing but an ol’ whore lady.” “Yep, Festus, but she’s the only one in town.” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2018, 5:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assholes-in-old-tv-westerns/807429/80 "2018-01-28T05:11:18Z")
> [@carnivorousplant](#): > > Dillon saddles his horse. Enter Festus > “Matthew, are you goin’ up agin the Dalton gang what kidnapped Mis Kitty all by your own self?” > “Yep, Festus.” > “Matthew, there’s fifty of them, and hear tell they have a Gatling gun.” > “Yep, Festus.” > “Well, Matthew, I like Miss Kitty a whole lot, but she ain’t nothing but an ol’ whore lady.” > “Yep, Festus, but she’s the only one in town.” Bloody hell! She was the town madam, and the Long Branch was a brothel. That’s why there were all those rooms at the top of the stairs. :o Another joke I cannot resist: One cold November day, the Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town seeking some warmth and liquid refreshment. They tie Silver and Scout to the hitching post outside a saloon and go in. As they walk through the swinging doors, however, the proprietor points at Tonto and says “Hold on a minute, Masked Man! Your custom’s welcome, but HE’S gonna have to wait outside!” Reluctantly, Tonto goes back out onto the street to wait. After a minute or so, he starts jogging in place to keep warm. A few minutes later, a local walks into the saloon and spies the Ranger standing at the bar. “Hey, Masked Man!” he says. “Them your horses tied up out front?” “Why, yes, they are,” says the Ranger. “Why do you ask?” “Just wanted you to know,” says the stranger. “You left yer Injun runnin’!” 😛 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assholes-in-old-tv-westerns/807429.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assholes-in-old-tv-westerns/807429.md?page=5)