# Assignment : Kwijibo Explains It All **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 30, 2002, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assignment-kwijibo-explains-it-all/139647 "2002-11-30T17:34:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![lno](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a8b319/32.png) [@lno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lno)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2002, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assignment-kwijibo-explains-it-all/139647/61 "2002-12-02T18:46:17Z")
Dear Kwyjibo, What is the easiest way to smuggle a Canadian across the border and keep her in the US? Do I need a book on the care and feeding of a Canadian? Does a Canadian melt if exposed to climates beneath the 49th parallel? And what’s the big deal all aboot, anyway? lno ---
**Author:** ![Kwyjibo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/59ef9b/32.png) [@Kwyjibo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kwyjibo)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2002, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assignment-kwijibo-explains-it-all/139647/62 "2002-12-02T18:48:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor \* > \*\*AHA! Evading & persecuting the free Press, eh _Mr. Binks_?!?! 🙂 \*\* 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Kwyjibo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/59ef9b/32.png) [@Kwyjibo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kwyjibo)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2002, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assignment-kwijibo-explains-it-all/139647/63 "2002-12-02T19:07:52Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by lno \* > \*\*Dear Kwyjibo, > > What is the easiest way to smuggle a Canadian across the border and keep her in the US? Do I need a book on the care and feeding of a Canadian? Does a Canadian melt if exposed to climates beneath the 49th parallel? And what’s the big deal all aboot, anyway? > > lno \*\* Canadians are surprisingly resilient beings and are adept at blending in to the Merkin way of life. The easiest way to smuggle a Canadian across the border is to walk her across as if she was an American. You must train her on US etiquette though. For example:[ul] [li]She is not to say, “Thank you.” She must now say, “Uh huh” or “You bet.”[/li][li]She must learn that it isn’t ‘Liberal’ or ‘Conservative’, it’s ‘Democrat’ and ‘Republican’.[/li][li]Smarties are no longer made with chocolate. They are now those crappy little chalk like candy that kids in Canada get for Halloween and immediacy throw away when they get home.[/li][li]Pop should be referred to as ‘soda’.[/li][li]Chocolate bars are called candy bars.[/li][/ul]This list is longer, but those are the basic ‘must blend in’ rules. No special care is needed for Canadians, but you had better make sure that you have a way to get her some Tim Horton’s. (Look what happened to poor **Ginger Of The North** ) And lastly, Canadian women to not melt. They are called “Ice Queens” for a reason. Oh, and by the way…[(Just for you)](http://members.rogers.com/theconstruct/fuckyoubuddy.wav)😃 Look Monster! I new it would come in handy!!!) ---
**Author:** ![WSLer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a6a055/32.png) [@WSLer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WSLer)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2002, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assignment-kwijibo-explains-it-all/139647/64 "2002-12-03T03:07:27Z")
Kwijibo, Which would win in a fight, the Enterprise or a Star Destroyer? When picking ones nose, is it more mannerly to eat the boogers straight away without looking at them, or should you examine them first and THEN eat them? Or should you put them in a box and save them until you get home? ---
**Author:** ![Kwyjibo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/59ef9b/32.png) [@Kwyjibo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kwyjibo)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2002, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assignment-kwijibo-explains-it-all/139647/65 "2002-12-03T14:45:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by WSLer \* > \*\*Kwijibo, > > Which would win in a fight, the Enterprise or a Star Destroyer?\*\* For get it! I am NOT getting into this one! [Look here for an answer. 🙂](http://www.stardestroyer.net/Empire/Empire.shtml) (BTW: An ISD would win. :D) > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by WSLer \* > \*\*When picking ones nose, is it more mannerly to eat the boogers straight away without looking at them, or should you examine them first and THEN eat them? Or should you put them in a box and save them until you get home? \*\* Ya know, there are even times when Uncle Cecil thows his hands up in the air. Consider that question to be filed under, “Questions we are still working on.” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![WSLer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a6a055/32.png) [@WSLer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WSLer)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2002, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assignment-kwijibo-explains-it-all/139647/66 "2002-12-04T01:42:56Z")
Dear Kwijibo, Maxi-pads, panty liners, or tampons? Who invented fellatio and why? What’s the best way to show your extreme displeasure with something, a fire axe or a fire extinguisher? Are zebras white animals with black stripes, or black animals with white stripes? Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player ever, right? Can you possibly explain the continuing appeal of Adam Sandler? Oreos or Hydrox? Elvis Presley or The Beatles? HI OPAL!!! Keep on getting better I’m not alone in thinking that McDonald’s hamburgers taste like masking tape, right? ---
**Author:** ![hardygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a3d4f5/32.png) [@hardygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hardygrrl)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2002, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assignment-kwijibo-explains-it-all/139647/67 "2002-12-04T04:35:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Kwyjibo \* > \*\*It’s for scientific reasons, of course. 😉 \*\* Oh yeah, like I haven’t heard _that_ one before… Dammit, I am TRYING TO BE GOOD! ---
**Author:** ![Cyrin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Cyrin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cyrin)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2002, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assignment-kwijibo-explains-it-all/139647/68 "2002-12-04T04:58:32Z")
Dear **Kwyjibo** , If half a chicken, can lay half an egg, in half an hour. How long will it take a frog with a wooden leg to kick the seeds from a dill pickle? ---
**Author:** ![Kwyjibo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/59ef9b/32.png) [@Kwyjibo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kwyjibo)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2002, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assignment-kwijibo-explains-it-all/139647/69 "2002-12-04T14:19:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by WSLer \* > \*\*Maxi-pads, panty liners, or tampons? \*\* Cork > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by WSLer \* > \*\*Who invented fellatio and why? \*\* Richard Hoover. (You figure out why.) > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by WSLer \* > \*\*What’s the best way to show your extreme displeasure with something, a fire axe or a fire extinguisher? \*\* Either. So long as it dies. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by WSLer \* > **Are zebras white animals with black stripes, or black animals with white stripes?** Green with purple. (You’re just colour blind.) > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by WSLer \* > **Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player ever, right?** ”Great” and “Backetball” are two words I never thought I’d see together! Thanks for the laugh! > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by WSLer \* > **Can you possibly explain the continuing appeal of Adam Sandler?** He’s an idiot. Most people are idiots. Birds of a feather my friend. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by WSLer \* > **Oreos or Hydrox?** Chips Ahoy! > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by WSLer \* > **Elvis Presley or The Beatles?** The Beatles. They were good throughout their career. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by WSLer \* > **I’m not alone in thinking that McDonald’s hamburgers taste like masking tape, right?** Not sure. I don’t make a habit of chewing on masking tape 🙂 _pant pant pant_ ---
**Author:** ![Kwyjibo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/59ef9b/32.png) [@Kwyjibo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kwyjibo)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2002, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assignment-kwijibo-explains-it-all/139647/70 "2002-12-04T14:24:46Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Çyrin \* > \*\*Dear **Kwyjibo** , > If half a chicken, can lay half an egg, in half an hour. > How long will it take a frog with a wooden leg to kick the seeds from a dill pickle? \*\* With a question like that, you wonder why I think there is no God. 😃 (If there is, then you were definitely his Mulligan. ;)) ---
**Author:** ![WSLer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a6a055/32.png) [@WSLer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WSLer)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assignment-kwijibo-explains-it-all/139647/71 "2002-12-05T04:16:28Z")
Dear Kwijibo, Why do we park on the driveway and drive on the parkway? Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Does anything strike more fear in your heart then hearing the following 4 words: **Sylvester Stallone Romantic Comedy**? What do I have to do to get personally acknowledged/greetded by Cecil himself, here on the SDMB? Does either Virginia Tech or Ohio State really have a realistic chance of beating the University of Maimi? How often do you beat your wife? Who would win, the **Battlestar Gallactica** or the **Enterprise**? Is it true that Milton Berle had the longest _unit_ in Hollywood? Thanks for taking the time.😉 ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 4:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assignment-kwijibo-explains-it-all/139647/72 "2002-12-05T04:18:01Z")
> [@](#): > > ”Great” and “Backetball” are two words I never thought I’d see together! Thanks for the laugh! Dear **Kwyjibo** : What’s “backetball”? Also, I’ve spent about 60 bazillion dollars buying cat toys and my cat doesn’t play with any of them. Is there any market for lightly-used cat toys? ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 5:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assignment-kwijibo-explains-it-all/139647/73 "2002-12-05T05:26:30Z")
How tall are you, in _Milton Berles_? ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 12:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assignment-kwijibo-explains-it-all/139647/74 "2002-12-05T12:26:45Z")
How tall are you, in lightly-used cat toys? ---
**Author:** ![TwistofFate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@TwistofFate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TwistofFate)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assignment-kwijibo-explains-it-all/139647/75 "2002-12-05T13:55:38Z")
In the current world climate, its like a jungle sometimes. It makes me wonder. could you explain how I keep from going under? a-aha hah hah hah. ---
**Author:** ![Kwyjibo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/59ef9b/32.png) [@Kwyjibo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kwyjibo)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assignment-kwijibo-explains-it-all/139647/76 "2002-12-05T14:15:15Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Kat \* > \*\*Dear **Kwyjibo** : > > What’s “backetball”?\*\* It means “basketball”, but only written BY a Kwyjibo. 😉 > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Kat \*Also, I’ve spent about 60 bazillion dollars buying cat toys and my cat doesn’t play with any of them. Is there any market for lightly-used cat toys? \*\* There is, but it is an ‘underground’ sort of thing. (Meet me behind the building, in the dumpster next to the old homeless guy, and I will fill you in.) ---
**Author:** ![Kwyjibo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/59ef9b/32.png) [@Kwyjibo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kwyjibo)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assignment-kwijibo-explains-it-all/139647/77 "2002-12-05T14:22:28Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by iamthewalrus(:3= \* > \*\*How tall are you, in _Milton Berles_? \*\* Probably just less than one _Milton Berle_. (I’m not that tall.) ---
**Author:** ![Ayesha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c0e974/32.png) [@Ayesha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ayesha)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assignment-kwijibo-explains-it-all/139647/78 "2002-12-05T14:22:32Z")
Dear Kwyjibo. Exactly how many chocolate chips are there in a single chips ahoy cookie ? Why is the sky blue ? Where do babies come from ? Will my future daughter in law stop thinking I rock when she becomes my actual daughter in law ? What is this bump on my butt ? ---
**Author:** ![Kwyjibo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/59ef9b/32.png) [@Kwyjibo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kwyjibo)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assignment-kwijibo-explains-it-all/139647/79 "2002-12-05T14:25:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor \* > \*\*How tall are you, in lightly-used cat toys? \*\* Oh! Tough one! Cat toys vary in size and shape, but I think it would be safe to go with the assumption that an average cat toy is 2” by 2”. (This all considers the fact that they are lightly used.) I with that I would be 132 lightly used cat toys tall. ---
**Author:** ![Kwyjibo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/59ef9b/32.png) [@Kwyjibo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kwyjibo)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assignment-kwijibo-explains-it-all/139647/80 "2002-12-05T14:39:11Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by WSLer \* > \*\*Why do we park on the driveway and drive on the parkway? Shouldn’t it be the other way around? \*\* [Sorry…been done.](http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a2_080.html) > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by WSLer \* > \*\*Does anything strike more fear in your heart then hearing the following 4 words: **Sylvester Stallone Romantic Comedy**? \*\* Yes. \*\* Sylvester Stallone.\*\* > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by WSLer \* > \*\*What do I have to do to get personally acknowledged/greetded by Cecil himself, here on the SDMB? \*\* You got me. The bastards hasn’t even acknowledged ME yet! > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by WSLer \* > \*\*Does either Virginia Tech or Ohio State really have a realistic chance of beating the University of Maimi? \*\* Another sports question…umm…let me put a lot of thought into this one. Yes. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by WSLer \* > \*\*How often do you beat your wife? \*\* Never. She beats me. (And in the loving sense. ;)) > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by WSLer \* > \*\*Who would win, the **Battlestar Gallactica** or the **Enterprise**? \*\* The Galactica. Why? One word. ‘Vipers’ 🙂 > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by WSLer \* > \*\*Is it true that Milton Berle had the longest _unit_ in Hollywood? \*\* No, but he hosted the longest running comedy show without being funny. (That’s gotta be a record.) > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by WSLer \* > \*\*Thanks for taking the time.😉 \*\* No prob. I’m only at work after all. 🙂 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assignment-kwijibo-explains-it-all/139647.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/assignment-kwijibo-explains-it-all/139647.md?page=5)