# At age 49, I am now completely safe from monsters. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 8, 2012, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-age-49-i-am-now-completely-safe-from-monsters/618145 "2012-04-08T02:33:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Nars\_Glinley](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nars_glinley/32/8177_2.png) [@Nars\_Glinley](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nars_Glinley)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2012, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-age-49-i-am-now-completely-safe-from-monsters/618145/1 "2012-04-08T02:33:00Z")
As any child can tell you, night time monsters are completely stymied by the incomparable power of covers. Unfortunately, the use of covers over the head creates an atmospheric condition known as “stuffy”. Stuffy can be counteracted by creating a small air hole through which one can insert ones nose. Most, but not all, monsters will not notice the air hole and will move on to easier prey. Eternal vigilance against the air hole monsters is required. This is usually accomplished by remaining absolutely still. But now, thanks to sleep apnea and my CPAP machine, I can deploy the covers over my head and not suffer from stuffy conditions. I can breath all night long and not worry about suffocation. At long last, I am completely safe from monsters. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2012, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-age-49-i-am-now-completely-safe-from-monsters/618145/2 "2012-04-08T02:39:37Z")
You never used the [monster snorkel](http://scorpioart.com/malaysia/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/2917532240095242359HggYgx_ph.jpg)? ---
**Author:** ![Nars\_Glinley](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nars_glinley/32/8177_2.png) [@Nars\_Glinley](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nars_Glinley)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2012, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-age-49-i-am-now-completely-safe-from-monsters/618145/3 "2012-04-08T02:47:32Z")
> [@runner pat](#): > > You never used the [monster snorkel](http://scorpioart.com/malaysia/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/2917532240095242359HggYgx_ph.jpg)? My parents were very religious. We were told to save snorkeling for marriage. ---
**Author:** ![Rhythmdvl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/85f322/32.png) [@Rhythmdvl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhythmdvl)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2012, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-age-49-i-am-now-completely-safe-from-monsters/618145/4 "2012-04-08T02:59:47Z")
Um… I hate to break it to you. You [are](http://www.nationwidemedical.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/patient_cpap_frustrated.png)the monster. ETA: Glad I’m not the only one whose first thought was Monster Snorkel! ---
**Author:** ![Inter\_Alia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@Inter\_Alia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inter_Alia)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2012, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-age-49-i-am-now-completely-safe-from-monsters/618145/5 "2012-04-08T03:02:04Z")
When I first got my CPAP, I was living in an apartment with no heat. It was wonderful to completely burrow under the covers and still be able to breathe. I even told a friend it was like snorkeling in bed. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2012, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-age-49-i-am-now-completely-safe-from-monsters/618145/6 "2012-04-08T14:53:43Z")
Hell, I’m so old I just lie there on top of the covers and go “here I am, monsters, come and get me!” And am always vaguely disappointed when I wake up the next morning unmurdered by monsters. ---
**Author:** ![thelurkinghorror](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7c8e57/32.png) [@thelurkinghorror](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thelurkinghorror)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2012, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-age-49-i-am-now-completely-safe-from-monsters/618145/7 "2012-04-08T17:48:34Z")
What are you going to do about Steam Monsters? Clearly the CPAP needs its own air supply. It should be filled with fresh air every day in bright light and done so with two dozen high-wattage floodlights pointing at every corner of the room. Don’t use fluorescent, it misses the effective monster-killing wavelengths. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2012, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-age-49-i-am-now-completely-safe-from-monsters/618145/8 "2012-04-08T17:58:11Z")
Sleep is for the weak. ---
**Author:** ![Nars\_Glinley](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nars_glinley/32/8177_2.png) [@Nars\_Glinley](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nars_Glinley)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2012, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-age-49-i-am-now-completely-safe-from-monsters/618145/9 "2012-04-08T18:19:56Z")
> [@Zebra](#): > > Sleep is for the weak. You misspelled “week”. ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2012, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-age-49-i-am-now-completely-safe-from-monsters/618145/10 "2012-04-08T18:44:02Z")
I find I get really hot at nights so I sleep most of the time with no covers at all and naked! I’m prime monster pickings. Feet still must not hang over the side though. Don’t want to be serving them myself on a platter. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Accident](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f05b48/32.png) [@Mr.Accident](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Accident)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2012, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-age-49-i-am-now-completely-safe-from-monsters/618145/11 "2012-04-08T19:33:17Z")
> [@Nars\_Glinley](#): > > You misspelled “week”. Also need to remove the is, and place an a between for and week. Then the sentence will make sense. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![thelurkinghorror](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7c8e57/32.png) [@thelurkinghorror](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thelurkinghorror)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2012, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-age-49-i-am-now-completely-safe-from-monsters/618145/12 "2012-04-08T20:37:00Z")
> [@Nars\_Glinley](#): > > You misspelled “week”. Great album.