# At what age does someone being a virgin a dealbreaker for you? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 13, 2010, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052 "2010-06-13T22:26:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/21 "2010-06-14T02:00:31Z")
I’m not sure what to put. I’m 30, so my thought is to put “After 30” but since I don’t plan to date anyone more then 10 years older then me, I’m not really sure what my thoughts would be on dating a 40 year old virgin. I think the thing that would be the deal breaker for me is if she planned to stay a virgin for the foreseeable future (until marriage, until she’s ready for kids, forever etc). If the problem was lack of opportunity (in the most general sense) that’s one thing. But if she’s had plenty of opportunities but is actively remaining a virgin, that might be an issue. ---
**Author:** ![ZenBeam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/3ab097/32.png) [@ZenBeam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZenBeam)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/22 "2010-06-14T02:14:02Z")
So is the question “When is it a dealbreaker?” or “When would it bother me?” It’d never be a deal breaker, but I’d wonder why for someone over 30. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/23 "2010-06-14T02:16:19Z")
I put Female: After 30, but realistically it would be 25ish and even that seems late to me. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/24 "2010-06-14T02:59:28Z")
> [@rhubarbarin](#): > > Wouldn’t be a problem at all if I liked someone. Sometimes it just doesn’t happen, for a variety of reaons. I know some perfectly attractive, intelligent, engaging, and otherwise normal people who are late virgins. I imagine they are mostly or all female. Am I right? I can’t imagine a man admitting the fact, unless he was very socially alienated indeed. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/25 "2010-06-14T03:15:41Z")
> [@Beware\_of\_Doug](#): > > I imagine they are mostly or all female. Am I right? I can’t imagine a man admitting the fact, unless he was very socially alienated indeed. I can at least imagine it. Which is more socially alienated, being a virgin or admitting it? ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/26 "2010-06-14T03:23:24Z")
Of course if the person is “absolutely perfect” for me, then nothing is a dealbreaker. But honestly after college age I would find it strange. I don’t even think “lack of opportunity” is a good reason. If you’ve gone that long without hitting it off with at least one woman, something is going on. ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/27 "2010-06-14T03:23:25Z")
> [@RandMcnally](#): > > Ok, so you meet this guy/girl. They are perfect for you in every way. They take you out and it was an instant connection, something you’ve been waiting for your entire life. In the course of the evening they do or say something that makes you think, “This is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.” In this situation, it wouldn’t matter to me. If I wasn’t considering a long term relationship, I would probably go :dubious: past 30. ---
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/28 "2010-06-14T03:35:22Z")
I’m married and not looking, but anyone much older than 30 would cause me to raise an eyebrow. It’s possible that the man in question was taught by his church that sex before marriage is wrong. Even if he’s now a hand-stabbing atheist, some attitudes are hard to break. Basically, I’d wonder if something like this is holding him back from a serious relationship. ---
**Author:** ![SeaCanary](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@SeaCanary](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SeaCanary)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 3:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/29 "2010-06-14T03:44:46Z")
Not a problem. Not even a consideration. The process of getting to know the person sexually and non-sexually is a gradual process for me and that’s the place where the rubber meets the road for me. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/30 "2010-06-14T03:55:35Z")
I’m not sure I’d go all the way to “dealbreaker,” but after a certain age, I expect someone I would hypothetically date to be doing age-appropriate things, and I consider having a normal sex life an age-appropriate thing for an adult (like working and supporting yourself, driving, keeping a household, paying your bills, etc.). I think the age would be mid-20s, when I’d start thinking what’s the hold-up, dude? ---
**Author:** ![Arrendajo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Arrendajo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arrendajo)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/31 "2010-06-14T04:49:03Z")
Well by 30 (at the latest) most people who are socially well-adjusted will have had sex. For me the virginity itself wouldn’t be a deal-breaker, but I expect the reasons why would. ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/32 "2010-06-14T05:02:02Z")
It’s a deal breaker only if it represented a person with a low sexual appetite. ---
**Author:** ![Wunky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/4bbf92/32.png) [@Wunky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wunky)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 6:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/33 "2010-06-14T06:13:22Z")
At any age it would be a dealbreaker for me. ---
**Author:** ![Audrey\_Levins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Audrey\_Levins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Audrey_Levins)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 10:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/34 "2010-06-14T10:20:02Z")
We were all virgins at some point; as a female of 31 (who’s had a total of 3 sexual partners!) i would still have a huge question mark about a guy who hadn’t gotten laid yet by the time he’s my age. I didn’t wait to have sex because I was saving myself; I waited until I found a guy I wanted to “give it away” to…IOW, I waited til I wanted to. Once I wanted to, I wasted zero time. (In fact he was so respectful of my virginity I began to get a bit irritated with him.) I’m not with that guy any more, and I’ve never just “gotten laid” for the hell of it, but I do think that it’s normal to give in to sexual urges, and yes…it would alarm me if I met a guy who’d never been in that situation before. Regardless of why. If you’re being safe, why not? So I guess a virgin past the age of 20 or so would raise some flags…cuz it’s not that you don’t want to, it’s that you haven’t had the opportunity to want to. And in that case…why not? What are you holding back? What are you afraid of? That would frighten me more than the actual virginity itself. And now that I’m 31, the idea that I would meet a virgin is a bit bizarre to me. I’m getting married next year, so the point is moot in my case, but nonetheless if I were single…I would be forced to ponder what on earth has held you back this long. ---
**Author:** ![PookahMacPhellimey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pookahmacphellimey/32/3175_2.png) [@PookahMacPhellimey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PookahMacPhellimey)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 10:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/35 "2010-06-14T10:31:08Z")
> [@Arrendajo](#): > > Well by 30 (at the latest) most people who are socially well-adjusted will have had sex. For me the virginity itself wouldn’t be a deal-breaker, but I expect the reasons why would. This and what **Zsofia** said. The premise does not add up. Most of the time it is fairly obvious why the people who are still virgins are still virgins. Even in the hypothetical OP scenario of absolutely no other flaws you’d ask yourself _why_. Having said that, I picked “over 40” as I think there are worthwile people out there who are just really bad at the dating and romance thing. If they were otherwise great, I’d still give them chance. Wouldn’t go into the “plus” column, though. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 10:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/36 "2010-06-14T10:46:47Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > Well, “dealbreaker” is a strong word. But most people don’t end up old virgins accidentally, you know? Common reasons might be: > > 1. He’s religious and doesn’t want to have sex before marriage, which is a dealbreaker. > 2. He has problems with women. Puts them on pedestals, etc. Also probably a dealbreaker. > > I’m watching this fascinating documentary _even as we speak_ made in the 80’s (giving it a seriously surreal quality) about a sex surrogate and her clients. Worth a look - one of them is a 20-something virgin who’s shy and terrified of approaching a woman. (The other one I don’t like.) I agree with your list and will add one more: 3)Mental health ( very introverted or something else.) Weren’t sex surrogates pooh poohed by THE INDUSTRY as being nothing more than legal hooking? ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 10:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/37 "2010-06-14T10:47:47Z")
> [@SeaCanary](#): > > Not a problem. Not even a consideration. > > The process of getting to know the person sexually and non-sexually is a gradual process for me and that’s the place where the rubber meets the road for me. I can only hope that the rubber meets the tunnel.😃 ---
**Author:** ![SeaCanary](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@SeaCanary](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SeaCanary)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 11:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/38 "2010-06-14T11:28:45Z")
> [@Shirley\_Ujest](#): > > I can only hope that the rubber meets the tunnel.😃 Thank you. 😃 It has. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/39 "2010-06-14T13:38:56Z")
Would adding another culture into the mix change anyone’s minds? For example, finding that perfect someone who was raised in a strongly Islamic family in a strongly Islamic country, and was past your “dealbreaker” age, but has now “escaped,” and wants to live a non-religious (or even a not-quite-SO-religious) life in the West. Would that alter the “Well by 30 (at the latest) most people who are socially well-adjusted will have had sex,” calculation? ---
**Author:** ![Sparky812](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eb9ed0/32.png) [@Sparky812](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sparky812)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 1:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/40 "2010-06-14T13:53:22Z")
When I was in my 20s, I always thought, "Hey! Wouldn’t it be nice to date a virgin again… then I dated one. It was like being 12 or 13 all over! The awkwardness, clumsy fumbling around, etc. might have been a turn on at first, but it became eventually became frustrating, and I lost interest in sex with her. It was then I realized that I did appreciate a girl who had some (hopefully not too much) experience over rather than being virginally “pure”. I’m married and alot older now, and it doesn’t bother me in the least that my wife was “experienced”, heck she was even married before. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052.md?page=3)