# At what age does someone being a virgin a dealbreaker for you? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 13, 2010, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052 "2010-06-13T22:26:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Carmady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f04885/32.png) [@Carmady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carmady)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2010, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/101 "2010-06-16T21:02:20Z")
I would consider it a bonus as long as it wasn’t caused by some actual problem. The downside of experience is the potential to become bitter and jaded, and to judge new people unfairly based on the old ones. Not that doing so is wrong… it just might be nice to have a clean slate. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2010, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/102 "2010-06-16T21:45:19Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > First of all, having to coach and give instructions during sex is a huge turnoff, and secondly, it’s not like they’re going to respond that much to coaching anyway. I think you have an idealized fantasy of what it’s actually like. In real life it’s a pain in the ass with little reward, and if you’re talking about someone who is clearly starting out with hangups, it’s even worse. > > Why even try to go through all that work if you can just as easily find somebody who knows what they’re doing and doesn’t have to be coddled like a child? > > You wouldn’t even think it was a LITTLE bit strange for a guy over 30 to have never been laid? That’s not normal. Either he’s hyper-religious, or he’s got some kind of serious issues that you aren’t going to be able to coach him through. I agree. You’re being kind of cruel, but love is cruel. Some people are simply not up to its demands. Someone with such serious hangups about sex is simply _not_ a fully developed adult. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Scud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Tom\_Scud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Scud)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2010, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/103 "2010-06-16T22:35:13Z")
> [@Cazzle](#): > > While I don’t have a lot of nice things to say about my ex these days, it’s certainly unfair to characterise him as “an obvious loser”. He was charismatic and outgoing, and also - as I discovered far too late - shallow and deceitful. Meh. I’ll withdraw “obvious” but loser is as loser does. Sex is not difficult. At roughly the same (quite late) point in my life I had sex for the first time & put together IKEA furniture for the first time, and the furniture was way harder to figure out. Even though I could work straight from those little diagrams they include in the box (something Eva probably wouldn’t have been down with). Relationships are simple but not easy - do your share of the work, be sensitive to your partner’s emotions & needs, and communicate. Experience is a help but not as important as good will (which from your description your partner seems to have been lacking) and some basic level of compatible temperaments: I wouldn’t work with an extreme extrovert or someone powerfully anti-intellectual under any circumstances. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Scud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Tom\_Scud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Scud)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2010, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/104 "2010-06-16T22:38:33Z")
And, yo, who in their mid-30s (or whenever, for that matter) ISN’T carrying some baggage? Either they’re recently out of a long-term relationship (in which case hello, trust issues), or they’re still IN a LTR (drawbacks left to the viewer to fill in), or they’re avoiding commitment, or (stretching a bit to figure out what I’ve left out) they’re recently widowed; and yet somehow adults manage to work out relationships amongst themselves. ---
**Author:** ![Eva\_Luna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e495f1/32.png) [@Eva\_Luna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eva_Luna)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2010, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/105 "2010-06-16T23:32:12Z")
> [@Tom\_Scud](#): > > Sex is not difficult. At roughly the same (quite late) point in my life I had sex for the first time & put together IKEA furniture for the first time, and the furniture was way harder to figure out. Well, to be technical, you had sex for the first time ON the Ikea furniture, so the furniture came first, at least by a little bit. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Scud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Tom\_Scud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Scud)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2010, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/106 "2010-06-16T23:43:23Z")
> [@Eva\_Luna](#): > > Well, to be technical, you had sex for the first time ON the Ikea furniture, so the furniture came first, at least by a little bit. 😉 Rounding error. ---
**Author:** ![Meyer6](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cc9497/32.png) [@Meyer6](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meyer6)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2010, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/107 "2010-06-16T23:54:25Z")
> [@Beware\_of\_Doug](#): > > I agree. You’re being kind of cruel, but love is cruel. Some people are simply not up to its demands. Someone with such serious hangups about sex is simply _not_ a fully developed adult. The problem is (as I and others have said), that being a virgin does not necessarily equal having any actual hang-ups about sex - it could just be the result of a lack of opportunity or whatever. And it’s not like people who are not virgins can’t have hangups about sex! I’m sure we’ve all known one of those unpleasant and almost universally unliked people who, nonetheless, are sexually active. I also don’t understand the ‘not an adult/not relationship material’ list that many people on this board seem to have. As well as virginity, I’ve also heard living at home, living with roommates, not owning a house, not owning a car, and other things attributed to ‘not being an adult’. I can understand if they are personally off-putting to you, but it seems unfair to me to make such a broad assumption about the persons maturity based on so little information. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/108 "2010-06-17T00:39:37Z")
That’s a lot of information, actually. ---
**Author:** ![Meyer6](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cc9497/32.png) [@Meyer6](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meyer6)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/109 "2010-06-17T00:51:00Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > That’s a lot of information, actually. Well, I guess we disagree. Without knowing \*why \*the simple facts seem meaningless to me. It’s like knowing how much money someone makes or what their hometown is - an interesting tidbit, but it tells you basically nothing about their personality. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/110 "2010-06-17T01:04:19Z")
**Meyer6** , your sentiments are compassionate and laudable, but what you’re failing to take into account is how people today choose their dating partners - who pretty much form the larger group where most people select their sex partners. That social choosing is done, for the most part, very quickly and summarily. The reason is that there is too much opportunity, too little time, and too much danger from not being able to really get to know people - this last being the single biggest and most inevitable social fact of our age. Far better to throw aside countless perfectly good potential partners who don’t meet arbitrary, but ultimately strongly suggestive, criteria than to take a chance on even one who might be a tragic choice. ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/111 "2010-06-17T01:15:05Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > That’s a lot of information, actually. You’re certainly very good at seeing a lot of information when others have difficulty making clearcut judgements. In response to a woman who worried about her boyfriend’s low libido: Dio: “Stress has never affected my libido, by the way. I’m not buying that. What does one thing have to do with the other? If anything, it’s a relief of stress. That’s just an excuse when guys say that. It means they’re getting it somewhere else, they’re gay or they’re not attracted to the woman anymore.” > **[My boyfriend is no longer interested in sex, what's going on?](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=561509)** > > I’ve been with him for about 2 years. We used to have sex regularly, but over the past two months it’s slowed down quite a bit. Last night, I started to initiate things, and he told me that he was not interested. He said that it was not me, or... ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/112 "2010-06-17T01:18:37Z")
> [@Beware\_of\_Doug](#): > > Far better to throw aside countless perfectly good potential partners who don’t meet arbitrary, but ultimately strongly suggestive, criteria than to take a chance on even one who might be a tragic choice. Interestingly, this is actually not a bad reason why someone might still be a virgin. ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/113 "2010-06-17T02:07:38Z")
> [@Bosstone](#): > > I just tend not to experiment without encouragement. If you need encouragement to experiment with sex, what else do you need encouragement to do? Do you have to be encouraged to read new books, see new movies, try new hobbies? I’m attracted to outgoing, driven go-getters. And if one hasn’t gone and gotten themselves laid by their early 20s, they’re not someone I would want to be sleeping with anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Meyer6](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cc9497/32.png) [@Meyer6](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meyer6)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/114 "2010-06-17T02:21:00Z")
> [@Beware\_of\_Doug](#): > > The reason is that there is too much opportunity, too little time, and too much danger from not being able to really get to know people - this last being the single biggest and most inevitable social fact of our age. Well, maybe this is the issue. I am not surrounded by so much opportunity for dating partners that I need to be removing a whole lot of people from the running right away. If I hit it off with someone socially, there are very few basic facts that could turn me off of dating them (short of finding out that they were married or something). Something like seeing them be mean to a waitress or deliberately cutting someone off in traffic, on the other hand, would likely turn me off. I guess if I were surrounded by eligible bachelors, it would be different. ETA: When you say “love is cruel. Some people are simply not up to its demands” are you suggesting that some people are just undeserving of ever being loved? That just seems kind of extreme to me. ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/115 "2010-06-17T02:31:23Z")
> [@Sue\_Duhnym](#): > > I’m attracted to outgoing, driven go-getters. And if one hasn’t gone and gotten themselves laid by their early 20s, they’re not someone I would want to be sleeping with anyway. Then even if I had gotten laid, we probably wouldn’t like each other. I think that’s pretty much what this whole thread boils down to. ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/116 "2010-06-17T02:34:22Z")
> [@Bosstone](#): > > Then even if I had gotten laid, we probably wouldn’t like each other. I think that’s pretty much what this whole thread boils down to. Maybe. But can we still be friends? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/117 "2010-06-17T02:39:48Z")
> [@Meyer6](#): > > When you say “love is cruel. Some people are simply not up to its demands” are you suggesting that some people are just undeserving of ever being loved? That just seems kind of extreme to me. Not that they’re undeserving - not at all. It’s just that in real life, many of us don’t get what we deserve, and sometimes there aren’t very good reasons. It’s just how things work. ---
**Author:** ![Vihaga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Vihaga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vihaga)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/118 "2010-06-17T03:49:56Z")
I don’t think it would be such a big deal. If the person was perfect in every way otherwise, I’d just assume they’d been unlucky and give them the benefit of a doubt. Maybe they’ve always lived in a place where they had trouble finding someone or something. Of course, this is a hypothetical perfect person for me. The real world is likely to be quite different. ---
**Author:** ![suranyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@suranyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/suranyi)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/119 "2010-06-17T15:42:33Z")
> [@Vihaga](#): > > I don’t think it would be such a big deal. If the person was perfect in every way otherwise, I’d just assume they’d been unlucky and give them the benefit of a doubt. Maybe they’ve always lived in a place where they had trouble finding someone or something. > > Of course, this is a hypothetical perfect person for me. The real world is likely to be quite different. In my own case, I went to a college that was almost all male. So that was one reason I lost my viriginity much later than most. ---
**Author:** ![PookahMacPhellimey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pookahmacphellimey/32/3175_2.png) [@PookahMacPhellimey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PookahMacPhellimey)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/120 "2010-06-17T16:04:05Z")
> [@Meyer6](#): > > The thing is that those people who you look at or talk to at and think “that guy has got to be a virgin” may or may not actually be virgins. I can’t imagine many people telling everyone they were one, I think after a certain age we just assume everyone has lost their virginity unless they are excessively weird. Only one friend of mine has told me that she was in fact still a virgin at 31, and I was surprised - she is a perfectly ordinary, pleasant person. I don’t feel picked on, but I do want to point out I said “over 40”. In fact, I lost my virginity at 18 but I can easily see how it could have been 30 if I had made slightly more er…“sensible” decisions, so I have no real problem believing that. But when you get nearer to forty I think it becomes difficult to believe that someone would be a virgin for no important reason whatsoever, just happened not to happen. If we rule out religion, having been in jail etc, I think it is likely that the person is at least somewhat socially awkward. P.s. I suspect that, between the two, low confidence would be a bigger factor than ugliness in remaining a virgin involuntarily. It certainly is the bigger turn-off for me personally. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052.md?page=7)