# At what age does someone being a virgin a dealbreaker for you? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 13, 2010, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052 "2010-06-13T22:26:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Mtgman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5a626/32.png) [@Mtgman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mtgman)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/121 "2010-06-17T17:03:45Z")
> [@Wunky](#): > > At any age it would be a dealbreaker for me. There was some character in fiction I read once that I can’t remember who said something like “Virgins are an eternal bother. Always falling in love with the man who relieves them of that burden and following them around moaning and whining about their feelings.” Callousness aside, that’s kind of accurate. The more research we do the more we discover emotional and mental aspects, not to mention neurobiological and chemical aspects, of physical intimacy. This is one of the more complex aspects of human life, and it’s one even the most mature and capable people struggle with. I’d be very cautious about treading that new ground with someone. This applies to all virgins, not just older ones, but older ones are more likely to have hangups which need to be navigated carefully. So not a dealbreaker, but a strong yellow flag. Enjoy, Steven ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/122 "2010-06-17T17:06:32Z")
> [@PookahMacPhellimey](#): > > If we rule out religion, having been in jail etc, I think it is likely that the person is at least somewhat socially awkward. > > P.s. I suspect that, between the two, low confidence would be a bigger factor than ugliness in remaining a virgin involuntarily. Must agree – low confidence/bad self-image, social anxieties, these have the extra self-reinforcing factor that sends the person’s capacity for “normal” interpersonal development into a death-spiral (you attempt to connect, you don’t know how, you bomb; next attempt you go in even more apprehensively, you fail even worse; next time you go in already counting down to failure point; next you don’t even try because you must suck…). And it’s not always something that can be addressed merely with exhortations to shape up and go out there and keep plugging away. As **Beware of Doug** ’s comment implies, it may be entirely unfair but it does happen that people affected by any of a myriad life circumstances do end up “left behind” and _ **it’s not a moral failure on anyone’s part** _. Maybe it would have been nice if someone noticed early signs and helped but, although we are not born with social skills but must learn them, a majority of people caught up so easily in their own lives that they can’t tell the other person won’t just “get over it”. Even the person affected is likely under the impression that one day it will just click right. ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/123 "2010-06-17T19:12:19Z")
> [@Sue\_Duhnym](#): > > Maybe. > > But can we still be friends? 😃 Ye gods no. You used the word “go-getter” unironically. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Mops](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mops/32/16494_2.png) [@Mops](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mops)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/124 "2010-06-17T20:08:52Z")
Well put, **JRDelirious** Also, speaking as someone who has solved some longstanding personal problems over the last decade or so (workaholism - healed, obesity - fixed; body image now better than actual body 😃 _, socialising - forced myself to until I enjoyed it, erythrophobia - somehow went away without me noticing, etc.) the majority opinion of the polled women is a bit of a downer - I have indeed put these issues behind me, but only for them_\* to bite me into the ass. _This is no criticism_ - the judgement of people exercising their personal autonomy just _is_. _Their_ time, _their_ lives, _their_ souls and bodies. What I take away from this thread: to be honest - not to be would be tantamount to using a person. – - I can recommend fitness of all kinds for that purpose. Having a body that is actually capable of things does wonder for one’s view of it. \*\*(the issues not the women) ---
**Author:** ![Cheshire\_Human](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Cheshire\_Human](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheshire_Human)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2010, 6:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/125 "2010-06-18T06:57:13Z")
You Fool! You forgot to include _ **minimum age** _ options! ---
**Author:** ![Misaki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a698b9/32.png) [@Misaki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misaki)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2010, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/126 "2010-09-25T17:04:26Z")
Well, Im still a virgin (and many people dont believe it. They think its absolute INSANITY!) -im 18, BTW- Iunno, it just seems for guys, a girls virginity should seem like a good thing. Yeah, she’s inexpirienced, but hey. She also has no one to compare you too so your always her best. Eh, I just dont see it as a BAD thing. But nobody’s ever happy. Someone promiscuous isnt thought possitively about either, nor is a virgin. ---
**Author:** ![Misaki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a698b9/32.png) [@Misaki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misaki)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2010, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/127 "2010-09-25T17:40:12Z")
> [@Misaki](#): > > Well, Im still a virgin (and many people dont believe it. They think its absolute INSANITY!) -im 18, BTW- > Iunno, it just seems for guys, a girls virginity should seem like a good thing. Yeah, she’s inexpirienced, but hey. She also has no one to compare you too so your always her best. > > Eh, I just dont see it as a BAD thing. But nobody’s ever happy. Someone promiscuous isnt thought possitively about either, nor is a virgin. And ive been erading some other poll answers. Its not for a lack of sexual interest. 😛 Im fine with sex. Its the people around me that bother me… Iunno, but to me someone asking me out that doesnt even know my first name… a real turnoff. ---
**Author:** ![Terra1041](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Terra1041](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terra1041)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2010, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/128 "2010-09-25T18:10:31Z")
I’m asexual, so it’s not a problem for me. My problem would be finding a partner who also doesn’t want sex. ---
**Author:** ![Sattua](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sattua/32/11906_2.png) [@Sattua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sattua)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2010, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/129 "2010-09-25T18:14:13Z")
I’d say 25, for both sexes, is my maximum age for not wondering why someone is still a virgin. I’ll give you some rope to play with in your early twenties… lots of us are late bloomers. But after that? There are some deeper issues and I need to know what they are before we get involved. ---
**Author:** ![coffeecat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/coffeecat/32/3405_2.png) [@coffeecat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/coffeecat)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2010, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/130 "2010-09-25T22:08:57Z")
And the Sexual Revolution has gone full circle. ---
**Author:** ![jz78817](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jz78817/32/1028_2.png) [@jz78817](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jz78817)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2010, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/131 "2010-09-25T22:45:23Z")
> [@](#): > > I’d say 25, for both sexes, is my maximum age for not wondering why someone is still a virgin. I’ll give you some rope to play with in your early twenties… lots of us are late bloomers. But after that? There are some deeper issues and I need to know what they are before we get involved. and why is 25 your cutoff for determining that someone has “deeper issues?” christ on toast points, reading this thread makes me feel like I’m back in my sophomore year of high school. ---
**Author:** ![Mona\_Lisa\_Simpson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ce7236/32.png) [@Mona\_Lisa\_Simpson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mona_Lisa_Simpson)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2011, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/133 "2011-04-10T16:35:15Z")
41 year old female here. I have a son, and a c-section scar so there’s my bona fide that I am not a virgin. About 5.5 years ago I dated a guy who wasn’t actually a virgin but had only one LTR and that had been for 6 months 12 years prior, which would have made him early 30s when that happened. He had been a virgin before that and had had exactly two one night stands in the intervening 12 years. Trust me, his inexperience showed, and he had very little capacity for learning. I found that I was doing the work of the relationship. He had no clue about well almost every stage of things. He gave me a “promise” ring for our one year anniversary. He had this idea that in about 3 years we might get married. I felt that at our stage of life I wanted thing to move a bit more quickly, and we could consider living together sooner. He wasn’t religious or anything, he just had never considered it. (It would have helped us both financially to live together at that time.) My next relationship has been with a manslut. Next week marks 4 years together. ---
**Author:** ![robertliguori](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/46a35a/32.png) [@robertliguori](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robertliguori)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2011, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/134 "2011-04-10T17:02:51Z")
Virginity at a late age, as indicated, can be a strong signal of something possibly untoward, but there are plenty of virgins out there in my age group (mid-to-late-twenties) who are perfectly decent people. I would be wary of a virgin who did not demonstrate adaptability and the ability to pick up new skill sets, but for people who want to learn, you can learn things at any time. And since taking advantage of opportunities to learn new skills is something I’m strongly attracted to, the virginity itself would not be a problem. ---
**Author:** ![Marc\_Xenos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9a140/32.png) [@Marc\_Xenos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marc_Xenos)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2011, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/135 "2011-04-10T20:43:08Z")
I have no use for virginity in any adult. What’s it good for? When a woman tells me that she’s 42 years old and still a virgin, why? Why would it matter to me? Why is she telling me this? Does it somehow make her superior to me or other guys, or other women, or the whole rest of the world? And since you can’t cash it in, what’s the point? Am I somehow supposed to be impressed that she either has no functional sex drive, or so many hangups that it doesn’t matter? Either way, she’s certainly someone I do not want for a lifelong partner, no matter what other attributes she has. Any virgin is a dealbreaker for me. Oh, wait, I forgot about the fragile ego aspect. Am I supposed to be so worried that she might compare me to past lovers and I won’t measure up? Well, as a virgin, she’s ALWAYS going to wonder, and one day she just might decide to find out that I DON’T measure up. Virginity is overrated. It’s like a balloon. Just one prick and it’s BOOM. ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2011, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/136 "2011-04-10T21:34:36Z")
> [@Sue\_Duhnym](#): > > If you need encouragement to experiment with sex, what else do you need encouragement to do? Do you have to be encouraged to read new books, see new movies, try new hobbies? > > I’m attracted to outgoing, driven go-getters. And if one hasn’t gone and gotten themselves laid by their early 20s, they’re not someone I would want to be sleeping with anyway. I am attracted to introverted, internal people who prefer the same kind of low-key life that I do. Anyone with drive is going to be frustrated by me! So I’d be very understanding if someone like this hadn’t managed to get laid yet. ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2011, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/138 "2011-04-10T21:41:19Z")
Are you joking? I first had sex a few years later than most of my friends. I definitely wasn’t looking for another virgin (but the guy I ended up choosing might as well have been). ---
**Author:** ![suranyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@suranyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/suranyi)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2011, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/140 "2011-04-10T21:49:38Z")
> [@Marc\_Xenos](#): > > I have no use for virginity in any adult. What’s it good for? When a woman tells me that she’s 42 years old and still a virgin, why? Why would it matter to me? Why is she telling me this? Does it somehow make her superior to me or other guys, or other women, or the whole rest of the world? And since you can’t cash it in, what’s the point? When I met my wife, she was in her mid-30s, and still a virgin. When she told me, it wasn’t to impress me. It was so that when we had sex, and it looked like she didn’t know what she was doing (as she was sure would happen), I would know why. But actually, everything went fine after just a few awkward moments. And no, neither of us were “saving ourselves” for marriage. This happened way before we were even engaged. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2011, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/142 "2011-04-10T22:38:51Z")
Now, now. Let’s not get too carried away. I urge everyone to remember that not all older virgins have such a healthy, well-adjusted, and sensible attitude toward sex as our newly registered friend. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2011, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/143 "2011-04-10T22:43:01Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > I’m watching this fascinating documentary _even as we speak_ made in the 80’s (giving it a seriously surreal quality) about a sex surrogate and her clients. Worth a look - one of them is a 20-something virgin who’s shy and terrified of approaching a woman. (The other one I don’t like.) What’s it called? And is it availably instantly through Netflix? It sounds worth a watch. ETA: Is it Private Practices? ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2011, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052/144 "2011-04-10T22:44:50Z")
I’m not looking for a relationship right now. For random hookups I avoid virgins like the plague. If I were looking for a relationship, I can’t say that virginity would be a dealbreaker at any age. But I would find it extremely odd if someone had never had sex by age 25. The reason why would definitely be a deciding factor in whether we started a relationship but it’s not a flat-out dealbreaker. Pretty close though. There’d have to be a very very good reason having nothing to do with religion or prudishness. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-age-does-someone-being-a-virgin-a-dealbreaker-for-you/543052.md?page=8)